by Greg Bear
“Shh,” he said. “Shh. I’m the one who had the nightmare.”
“We would d-die,” she repeated. “I w-want to scream. I n-n-need to scream, Art.” She glanced at Marty, still awake, listening, watching from where he lay.
“Is Mommy all right?” Marty asked.
Arthur didn’t answer.
“Mommy!” Marty barked.
“I-I’m fine, honey.” Her shaking hadn’t diminished.
“Your mother’s scared,” Arthur said.
“Stop it,” Francine demanded, glaring at him.
“We’re all very scared,” Arthur said.
“Is it happening now?” Marty asked.
“No, but we’re worried about it, and that gives me nightmares, and makes your mommy shiver.”
Francine closed her eyes in an agony of maternal empathy.
“Everybody’s ascared,” Marty declared. “Not just me. Everybody.”
“That’s right,” Arthur said. He rocked Francine gently. She relaxed her wrinkled brows but kept her eyes closed. Her shaking had slowed to an occasional shudder. Marty came from his bed to theirs and wrapped his arms around Francine, placing his cheek against her shoulder.
“It’s all right, Mom,” he said.
“It’s all right to be afraid,” Arthur said to nobody in particular, staring at the flowered wallpaper illuminated by a small night-light pointing the way to the bathroom.
They were in a bed-and-breakfast inn a few miles south of Portland.
The network was not active.
He had been set on his course, given his instructions.
I could use a little sympathy, too.
But none was offered.
PERSPECTIVE
Excerpt from New Scientist, March 25, 1997: The emergence of a new and radically altered Venus from behind the sun has given planetary geologists many things to ponder. It was supposed that the impact of a block of ice two hundred kilometers in diameter would cause enormous seismic disruption, but there is no sign of that. Some, in fact — connecting the impact with events on Earth — have theorized that the block was artificially “calved” into many smaller chunks, distributing the impact more evenly around the solar system’ s second planet.
What we now see is a naked Venus, her atmosphere transformed into a cloak of transparent, superheated steam. Surface features thus revealed are little different from what we had expected from the evidence of past planetary probe radar scans.
Planetologist Ure Heisinck of Gottingen University believes that the atmosphere may now have a built-in heat-transfer mechanism that will allow it to cool; that eventually the steam will condense and the resulting opaque white clouds will reflect more of the sun’s heat into space than they will absorb. More cooling will occur, and eventually rain will fall, which will turn again into steam on the planet’s surface. The steam will condense in the upper atmosphere, conveying heat back into space. In a few centuries, Earthlike conditions may prevail…
LACRIMOSA DIES ILLA!
60
Smoky haze hung high over the valley from fires in the east: Idaho, Arizona, Utah. The morning sun glowered bright orange through the pall, casting all Yosemite in a dreamy shadow-light the color of Apocalypse.
Edward walked past the general store and saw Minelli sitting in the open doorway of his car in the parking lot, listening to the radio with one leg drawn up on the other knee, picking mud out of his boot tread with a twig.
“What’s the word?” Edward asked, leaning his walking stick on the car’s bumper.
“Nothing close to us yet,” Minelli answered. “Fires to the south, spreading south but not north, and fires to the east about three, four hundred miles.”
“Anything else?”
“The bullets have dropped below microseismic background. Nobody can hear them now.” He smirked and flipped the mud-tipped twig onto the asphalt. “Makes you wish- we were out there at work, doesn’t it? Feeling the patient’s pulse.”
“Not really,” Edward said. “Walking today?”
“Been,” Minelli said, gesturing to the west. “Since about five. It’s nice getting up in the dark. The sunrise was spectacular. Lots of my habits are changing. I’m feeling very calm now. Does that make any sense?”
“Denial, anger, withdrawal…acceptance,” Edward said. “The four stages.”
“I don’t accept at all,” Minelli said. “I’m just calm about what’s going to happen. Where are you going?”
“I’m taking the Mist Trail up to Vernal and Nevada falls. Never been there.”
Minelli nodded. “You know, I’ve specked out where I want to be when the crunch comes.” He raised a finger to Glacier Point. “You can see everything up there, and it’s going to be spectacular. I’ll hike up and camp out for a week or however long it takes, just to be ready.”
“What if you meet some kind female?”
“I expect she’ll go with me,” Minelli said. “But I’m not holding out much hope.” He rubbed his beard and grinned fiendishly. “I’m not grade-A Choice.”
Edward glanced at a sticker in the side window: BORN TO RAISE HECK. “Mazel,” he called back over his shoulder, walking east.
“I’m a Catholic boy. I don’t know that stuff.”
“I’m Episcopalian,” Edward said.
“When are you coming back?”
“In time for the meeting at five.”
Edward followed the switchbacks of the first leg of the Muir Trail, pausing on rock-masonry vantage points to gaze out over gorges filled with roaring white water. He was halfway up the steep Mist Trail by eleven. The smell of moss and spray and damp humus filled his nose. Vernal Fall bellowed constantly on his left, ghostly clouds of moisture soaking his clothes and beading on his face and hands. He grimaced against the chill but refused to wear a parka or anything else that would isolate him.
The wet dark gray trail rocks reflected the sky and became a somber orange-brown. When the breeze blew thick fingers of mist in his direction, he seemed suspended in a warm amber fog, the fall and weathered, moss-covered granite walls lost in a general vaporous void.
I saw Eternity the other night, he quoted, and not remembering the rest, concluded aloud with, “And it gave me quite a fright…”
At the top of Vernal Fall, he walked across a broad, almost level expanse of dry white granite, one hand on an iron railing, and stood near the wide, sleek green lip of plummeting water. Here was the noise and the power, but little of the wetness; observation and immediacy and yet isolation. The true experience, Edward thought, would be sweeping down the falls in the middle of the water, suspended in cold green and white, curtains of bubbles and long translucent vertical surfaces distorting all sky and earth. What would it be like to live as a water sprite, able to magically suspend oneself in the middle of certain death?
He looked across at Liberty Cap and thought again of the vast granite spaces within the domes, unseen. Why an obsession with places out of view?
He frowned in concentration, trying to bring up the monstrous big thought he had so loosely hooked. Living things see only the surface, can’t exist in the depths. Life is painted on the surface of the real. Death is the great unexplored volume. Death rises from the inaccessible, depth and death sounding so much alike…
There had been only three other people on the trail that morning, one descending, two climbing behind Edward. Another he had not seen, a blond-haired woman in a tan parka arid dark blue shorts lugging a big expensive blue backpack. She stood on the opposite side of the granite block, looking over Emerald Lake, the pool where water from 600-foot Nevada Fall rested before slipping over the shorter Vernal Fall. She must have camped overnight, or was perhaps on the morning leg of a long trek around the rim of the valley.
The woman turned and Edward saw she was strikingly beautiful, tall and Nordic, a long face with perfectly cut nose, clear blue eyes, and lips both sensual and faintly disapproving. He looked away quickly, all too intensely aware she was outside his range. He ha
d long since learned that women this beautiful paid little attention to men of his mild appearance and social standing.
Still, she seemed to be alone.
Came that high, painful interior singing he had always known when in the presence of the desirable and inaccessible woman, not lust, but an almost religious longing. It was not a sensation he wanted now; he did not wish to be seduced away from worshiping the land, the Earth, to focus on a single woman, let alone one he could not possibly have. The woman or women he had imagined the night before would not evoke this kind of response; they would be safe, undemanding, undistressing. Quickly, with nothing more than a polite smile and nod, he passed the woman where she stood by the bridge and continued along the trail.
In the rocky tree-spotted upland meadow beyond Emerald Lake, he found a natural granite bench and laid out his lunch of two processed-American-cheese sandwiches and dried fruit, very much like what he had eaten on hikes in the valley as a boy. Facing the white plume of Nevada Fall, still a few hundred yards distant, he chewed crescents from a leathery apricot and brewed hot tea on a tiny portable stove.
Someone came up behind him, tread so light as to be almost undetected. “Excuse me.”
He twisted his torso and stared at the blond woman. She smiled down on him. She was at least six feet tall. “Yes?” he asked, swallowing most of a mouthful of half-chewed apricot.
“Did you see a man here, a little taller than I, with a very black full beard and wearing a red parka?” She indicated the man’s height with a hand held level above her head.
Edward hadn’t, but the woman’s worried expression suggested that it would be best if he paused to consider before answering. “No, I don’t think so,” he said. “There aren’t many people here today.”
“I’ve been waiting two days,” she said, sighing. “We were supposed, to meet here, at the Emerald Lake, actually.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Did you see anybody like him down on the valley floor? You came up from there, didn’t you?”
“Yes, but I don’t remember any men with black beards and red parkas. Or any with just black beards, for that matter — unless he’s a biker.”
“Oh, no.” She shook her head and turned away, then turned back. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. May I offer some tea, fruit?”
“No thank you. I’ve eaten. I carried food for both of us.”
Edward watched her with an embarrassed smile. She seemed unsure what to do next. He half wished she would go away; his attraction to her was almost painful.
“He’s my husband,” she said, staring up at Liberty Cap, shading her eyes against the hazy glare. “We’re separated. We met in Yosemite, and we thought if we came back here, before…” Her voice trailed off and she made a negligible shrug of her shoulders and arms. “We might be able to stay together. We agreed to meet at Emerald Lake.”
“I’m sure he must be here someplace.” He gestured at the lake and trail and the Nevada Fall.
“Thank you,” she said. This time, she did not smile, simply turned and walked back toward the head of Vernal Fall and the descending Mist Trail. He watched her go and took a deep breath, biting into his second sandwich.
He stared at the sandwich ruefully as he chewed. “Must be the white bread,” he told himself. “Can’t catch a beauty like that with anything less than whole wheat.”
At three, the meadow and the perimeter of the lake, the falls and the trail below, were empty. He was the only human for miles, or so it seemed; might even be true, he thought. He crossed the bridge and lingered in the trees on the other side, with only the roar of the falls above and below and snatches of birdsong. He knew rocks of any description but little about birds. Red-winged blackbirds and robins and jays were obvious; he thought about buying a book in the general store to learn the others, but then, what use applying names? If his memories were soon to be scattered fine-ground over space, education was a waste.
What was important was finding his center, or pinning down some locus of being, establishing a moment of purity and concentrated awareness. He did not think that was possible with people all around; now was a chance to try.
Prayer perhaps. God had not been on his mind much recently, a telltale void; he did not wish to be inconsistent when all the world was a foxhole. But consistency was as useless now as nature studies, and not nearly so tempting.
The valley was still in sun, Liberty Cap half shadowed. The smoke had cleared some and the sky was bluer, green at the edges of the haze, more real than it had been.
“I am going to die,” he said out loud, in a normal tone of voice, experimenting. “What I am will come to an end. My thoughts will end. I will experience nothing, not even the final end.” Rising rocks and smoke and lava. No; probably not like that. Will it hurt? Will there be time for pain?
Mass death; God was probably busy also with mass prayer.
God.
Not a protector, unless there be miracles.
He shuffled his booted feet in the dry trail dirt. “What in hell am I looking for? Revelation?” He shook his head and forced a laugh. “Naive sonofabitch. You’re out of training; your prayer muscles, your enlightenment biceps, they’re all out of shape. Can’t lift you any higher than your goddamned head.” The bitterness in his voice shook him. Did he really want revelation, confirmation, assurance of existence or meaning beyond the end?
“God is what you love.” He said this softly; it was embarrassing to realize how much he believed it. Yet he had never been particularly good at love, neither the love of people in all its forms nor the other kinds, except perhaps love of his work. “I love the Earth.”
But that was rather vague and broad. The Earth offered only unthinking obstacles to love: storms, rock slides, volcanoes, quakes. Accidents. Earth could not help being incontinent. Easy to love the great mother.
The wind picked up and carried droplets of mist above the Vernal Fall and over the forest, landing cool and lightly stinging-tickling on his cheek. He thought of down on his cheek and not whiskers, and of wanting his father to stay with them, even then knowing (truly did he realize it then?) that the unknit would soon separate.
That time, in Yosemite, had not been altogether blissful. The memories he now recovered were of a young boy’s ignorant but sharp eye, observing a man and a woman, shakily acting the roles of mother and father, husband and wife, not connecting anymore.
The boy had been unable to foresee what would happen after the separation so obviously but so deniably coming.
He squinted.
Earth = mother. God = father. No God = no father = inability to connect with the after.
“That,” he said, “cuts the fucking cake.” He swatted at a gnat and hefted his pack higher on his back, descending along the wet dark gray rock steps carved out beside Vernal Fall, and then following the path above the foaming, violently full Merced.
Pausing with a slight smile, he left the path and stood on a granite boulder at the very edge of the tumult, contemplating the lost green volumes of water beneath and between the white bubbles. The roar seemed to recede; he felt almost hypnotized. He could just lean forward, shift one foot beyond the edge, and all would end very quickly. No suspense. His choice.
Somehow, the option was not attractive. He shook his head slowly and glanced up at the trees on the opposite side of the spill. Glints of silver shined through the boughs and moved along the trunks. It took him a moment to resolve what he was seeing. The trees were crawling with fist-sized silvery spiders. Two of them scuttled along a branch, carrying what appeared to be a dead jay. Another had stripped away a slice of bark from a pine trunk, revealing a wedge of white wood.
He thought of the Guest, and did not doubt his eyes.
Who controls them? he asked himself. What do they mean? He watched them for several minutes, vaguely bothered by their indifference, and then shrugged — yet another inexplicable marvel — and returned to the path.
Edward was back i
n the valley, freshly showered and in clean jeans and white shirt, by five o’clock, as he had promised. The amphitheater was more crowded than it had been for yesterday’s meeting. No music was scheduled; instead, they had a minister, a psychologist, and a second ranger arrayed before the podium, waiting their turn after Elizabeth’s introduction. Minelli grumbled at the New Age lineup, but he stayed. There was a bond growing between all of them, even those who had not spoken; they were in this together, and it was better to be together than otherwise, even if it meant sitting through a handful of puerile speakers.
Edward looked for but did not see the jilted blonde in the audience.
61
After three days of interrogation by the FBI and agents from the National Security Agency, as well as six hours of intense grilling by the Secretary of the Navy, Senator Gilmonn had been set free from his office and apartment in Long Beach, California. He had ordered his chauffeur to drive east.
Nobody had been able, or particularly willing, to hang anything on him, though the trail of the arrow or monkey or whatever from the U.S.S. Saratoga to his car was reasonably well defined. Given more than a mere two and a half months of investigation and second-guessing, he might have been in some trouble, and the captain of the Saratoga relieved of his command, but things had changed markedly now in these United States. It was a different nation, a different government — functioning to all intents and purposes without a head. The President, under impeachment, was still in office but with most of his strings of influence and therefore power severed.
Gilmonn’s incarceration, which might have been pro forma half a year ago, was now simply out of the question.
For all that, what had they accomplished? They had killed Lieutenant Colonel Rogers and perhaps thirty Forgers who had refused to vacate the desert around the bogey. They had blown the bogey into scattered pieces. Yet few involved in the conspiracy believed, now, that they had done anything to even postpone, much less remove, the sentence of death placed on the Earth.