Had she really changed that much?
Lilli turned in the saddle because she heard voices behind her. She quickly directed her horse between the trees and then dismounted. The voices came closer, she heard the snorting of horses.
Blimey!
She grabbed her horse by the reins and led it deeper into the undergrowth. Then she quickly pulled out some tufts of fresh grass and began to feed and distract the animal with it. Under no circumstances was it allowed to neigh.
The clatter of hooves came closer. Lilli held the grass in front of the horse’s nose and listened against the chewing noise. She had to be able to pick up at least a few scraps of conversation.
The riders passed by. She hadn’t seen anything through the dense undergrowth, but the men had been laughing and chatting in a relaxed manner; they were certainly not her father’s people.
Lilli waited quite a while after the voices had faded, then she led the horse to a fallen tree trunk and used it as a mounting aid. She was not foolish. If she led the horse up the path and didn’t make it up because the horse wouldn’t stand still, or if it broke loose, then she was lost. It could get the idea to run after the other horses at any time. Only when she was safely back in the saddle did she direct the bay back onto the path and let it drop into an easy trot.
In the early afternoon, Lilli reached rocky terrain for the first time and had to pause to gain a sense of direction. There were hardly any tracks here, hoofprints could not be made out and Lilli merely followed the faintly indicated tracks that numerous carriages and wagons had imprinted in the ground here. Every time she saw something familiar, a clearing, a distinctive rock, a particular bend in the road, she felt relief. She was still on the right track and her lead was big enough. If her father’s people didn’t ride through at a stretched gallop, they would hardly be able to catch up with her. And they wouldn’t – Lilli was sure of that – because otherwise they ran the risk of overlooking the escaped princess at the side of the path in case she was hiding there.
Lilli made much faster progress than in the large cavalcade, where they had to be considerate of the others, and in the light of the late afternoon reached the rocky ridge that led to Grauemfall, and on which she had lost her paints at that time. The castle rose out of the mist of Grauemfall, and Lilli guided her horse along the stony path with a wildly beating heart. Then she recollected herself and dismounted to take the lead of the animal. She had felt safer in the group, but now here alone she didn’t dare ride so close to the edge with a single animal. If it spooked because debris came loose or a bird fluttered in, it could be life-threatening. Lilli led the horse on the left side so that it could not push her into the abyss, but the animal seemed very calm and snorted contentedly several times. At the place where the water flowed across the path, Lilli let the horse drink and then they continued on their way. When she felt safe again, she mounted and spurred her horse into a brisk trot.
The low sun cast its rays through the mist as Lilli reached the main gate of Grauemfall and with trembling fingers pressed the knocker, but the guards had already seen her.
They recognised her and let her in. Her eyes darted around as she rode into the courtyard, searching for a face with sad eyes framed by silky black hair.
“Where is His Majesty?” Lilli demanded of the lad who had taken hold of her reins.
“His Majesty has ridden away.”
“Where to?” Lilli swung herself off her horse. If she didn’t get something to drink right away, she would toss herself into the nearest well. “I need water. Quickly! And a fresh horse! Where did he ride off to? Where is the king?”
“I really don’t know, Your Highness.”
“Never mind. I think I do know. Hurry up with the horse!”
The boy nodded and pulled the bay behind him to the stable. Lilli thanked the little steed for the journey so far and was glad that the animal would now be looked after. She could not expect it to carry her any further.
Shortly afterwards she was given water and not much later a shiny black mare, saddled and broken in. Lilli let herself be helped onto the horse and trotted out to the gate, which closed behind her again.
She knew very well where Amon was.
The lake glistened in the evening light and provided a contrast to the slumped figure sitting on the shore. Lilli’s heart raced, her ears rushing, hoping that he would not chase her away, that she had not destroyed everything with her departure yesterday.
The mare stopped as Lilli took the reins. Quietly, Lilli dismounted and tiptoed across the grass towards Amon, who was staring out at the lake.
“I knew you’d be here.” She said it in a tone that would startle him as little as possible, but of course Amon flinched, and his hand found the handle of the sword at his belt in a flash.
“Lilli?” His voice sounded hoarse, broken.
Lilli swallowed. What had she done to him? She felt infinitely sorry for him when she saw how he struggled to rise, as if he had aged years in the span of a day. Or was he ill again? She pushed the thought aside, now she had to make up for everything, whatever it cost.
Amon stared at her, wiping his face. Whether he was trying to hide tears from her or whether he couldn’t believe his eyes, she couldn’t tell.
She stepped towards him, seeing the wary hope in his gaze, but also the anguish he had suffered in the last few hours.
“What ...” he whispered, and she was already wrapping her arms around his neck. At first Amon seemed frozen, then he returned the embrace with such desperation that, besides all the relief, Lilli once again reproached herself. Never again, she swore to herself at that moment, never again would she act so impulsively and simply run away because something didn’t go her way.
“It’s all right,” she whispered to him as Amon buried his face against her neck, running his hand over her hair.
“No, it’s not,” he murmured, and a premonition registered in Lilli’s heart that she usually tried defiantly to ignore.
“Yes, it is, I’m back. And no matter your problem, I’m going to stand by you. Together we can work this out.” She broke away from him a little and looked him in the face.
Amon shook his head slowly.
“I don’t deserve this. That you’re here again. You shouldn’t have come.”
“Tell me,” Lilli urged him. “What is it, why did you want me to leave?”
“I never wanted you to leave. There is nothing I want less. But still I was grateful to you and to fate when you rode away ... Lilli ... I know you will not rest until I have told you everything. But please believe me that the most serious reason for my silence is yourself. If you demand it, I will speak. But it will torment you immensely. You can still go now. You can trust me and just go. We leave each other as friends who had a wonderful, extraordinary time together. You’ll remember me like this, and I’ll remember you. That would be best. I’m giving you the opportunity to choose that now. And I’m asking you so much to listen to me.” He took her hands and kissed them. “I’m asking you to leave. In peace.”
“You know my answer. I want to know. There is nothing I can’t cope with. Have you been married before? Is that it?”
“No.” Amon sighed and gripped the back of his neck, averting his eyes.
“Then you still are. You married someone else out of a sense of duty.”
“I’m not married, Lilli.” He looked up again, and there was something in his gaze that frightened Lilli. She kept silent, waiting to hear what he would say.
“Before you came here, my life was pretty monotonous. I didn’t want to pay any more attention to you, but you left me no choice. With your vigorous nature, with your determination, your zest for life, you infected me. And even though I knew I had no right to ...” He pressed his lips together.
“No right to what?” Lilli questioned. If he didn’t say it now, she would shake it out of him.
“To this happiness. I had no right to claim that infinite happiness, but I did it anyway, knowin
g full well how much it would eventually hurt you. I felt you liked me, and that made it worse. But Lilli ... I couldn’t resist. Just being happy for a few days, it was so beautiful. I’ll always be grateful to you for that. But now I have to tell you what you don’t know. You think I’m sick. But it’s more than that, Lilly. I’m not going to get better. There’s no hope for me. Even my sister doesn’t know that, only me and my doctor. And that’s why it was downright criminal to make you think we could have a future. It was terribly wrong and selfish.”
“What do you mean, no longer healthy?” The question barely crossed Lilli’s lips. She had a hunch, but a hunch was too little, she had to know.
“Soon I will no longer be alive,” Amon said, and the expression in his eyes was hard to interpret, especially as at that moment Lilli’s vision blurred and she sank to the grass. Her legs had simply given way beneath her. As if of her own accord, she propped herself up, feeling soft straws under her palms as the wind brushed softly against her heated skin. Amon’s boots came into her field of vision, then he knelt down in front of her and gently grasped her by the shoulders.
“Lilli, are you all right? Do you want me to get you some water? I regret so much what I have done. Forgive me if you can.”
“You’re not dying,” Lilli choked out. God, she was sick. Terribly sick. This was all a nightmare, and it couldn’t be true. Couldn’t be ...
“Yes, it was, Lilli. I told you I would hurt you immensely. I wanted to avoid that at all costs. But, as I said, I was too selfish, I was obsessed with your closeness, your touch, the nights without fear in your arms. It was the best time of my life. And I couldn’t stop.”
“Who says so?” Lilli lifted her head with difficulty. Tears were streaming down her face, but she didn’t care.
“Who says what?” Amon looked at her uncomprehendingly.
“That you must die. Who says that?”
“My doctor. I asked him not to tell my sister either. She spends day and night worrying most terribly anyway.”
His grey eyes looked at her with a mixture of concern and guilty conscience.
How could these eyes, which looked so clearly into the world with an alert mind, soon close forever?
Lilli slowly stood up and then took Amon’s face in her hands. He was still kneeling in the grass, so she leaned down to him and kissed him gently on the lips.
“You won’t die. I’ll make sure of that.” She looked him sternly in the eyes. “You should have let me in on it sooner. But it’s the same now. I would never have ridden away if I had known. Never. And that’s why you’ll never keep anything like this from me again.”
“Never.” Again, that glimmer of hope in his eyes. Lilli’s heart was almost bursting with love for this young man at that moment, who was being played so badly by life that he deserved a lesson for it. Something hid his scars from her because she was supposed to be with him. And what was the point, this unknown magic, if Amon was condemned to die? This was a riddle she would solve.
“Amon, listen. I am going to tell you what I think. And I will say it only once and never take it back. Until one of us leaves this world, for whatever reason, I want to stay with you, if you want me too. And until then, we will face all enemies, no matter who it is. Together. Is that what you want?”
“Yes. I want that.” Amon got to his feet. “Have you thought this through ...”
She pressed her hand to his mouth.
“What did I just say? I’m not repeating myself. If you want it, there’s nothing else to say.” Then she took her hand away and kissed him, tenderly at first, then more urgently. And the way he held her while she did it ... it didn’t befit a sick person.
Amon seemed vigorous and healthy. Could this strange illness suddenly strike and snatch him away from her? He was still strong and had not succumbed to infirmity, they still had time. And they would use it to fight for his life.
By late evening, Lilli’s father had not shown up. Amon had sent a courier with a message to inform the king of his daughter’s whereabouts. No one knew whether Jaromir would return with the messenger or ride on to Aurenbrunn. Lilli thought either was possible but expected him to ride home. He would think of a new plan so that his daughter wouldn’t embarrass him in front of everyone again. But she could take care of that in time.
Constance, meanwhile, was startled by Lilli’s return and kept talking at her brother, which Lilli couldn’t quite understand, while Auntie Jahne was gushing with excitement and kissing Lilli’s cheeks.
Constance worried that there might be a row with the King of Aurenbrunn, but Amon reassured her and in the end, she seemed satisfied, for her brother was now in a good mood again. She had a bath prepared for Lilli, which she really needed after the long ride, and a short time later she was lying next to Amon in his bed, the door closed, the curtain drawn, snuggled tightly in his arms.
It felt so right that she wanted to cry, but she didn’t. She had to show strength now for Amon, for his survival. She would fight for that, exhaust all possibilities, order doctors from all over the world to see him, travel with him across the sea, whatever it took.
Her fingers kept stroking his hair, his forehead, tracing the contours of his face. She listened to his breaths in the darkness, appreciating each one as a sign of being alive, just like the warmth of his body and the clarity of his voice. They talked about what had happened, cleared up misunderstandings, assured each other that they would never let the other down again and would decide everything together from now on.
“There’s a little problem,” Lilli whispered in Amon’s ear. “I don’t have anything to wear from tomorrow. My luggage is probably being taken to Aurenbrunn right now.”
“And the problem?” Amon demanded, and she could hear him grinning in the dark at that. She poked him in the side for impertinence and heard him gasp as he tried to escape her merciless fingers. Then he had grabbed her wrists, pressed them into the pillow and his lips sealed her mouth. Lilli returned the kiss, enjoying the vigour with which he held her, for this was how she managed to reinforce her belief in his complete recovery. Amon simply had to go on living. She would not overcome his death, that was what she felt.
10
“We will proceed strategically.” Lilli stood in Amon’s study with her hands clasped behind her back. He sat leaning back in his chair and a smile was on his lips all the time, which disturbed Lilli’s concentration.
Besides, the dress she borrowed from Constance was a little too long for her and she had to be constantly careful not to step on the hem.
“What’s so funny?” she asked sternly.
“You’re just sweet as honey, trying to save me.” Amon grinned again.
“It would be a dream if you could take part in the rescue.” Lilli gave him an appropriate look and Amon’s smile vanished.
“All right, Princess, what do you want to know from me?”
“Everything. We’ll start from the beginning. How long have you had this illness?”
“For years now. I don’t remember exactly. It started shortly after my brother died.”
“Have you been able to put it into any context, when does the illness get worse, when does it improve?”
“I usually feel pretty good in the morning. Most often the seizures occurred in the afternoon.”
“Hmmmm ...” Lilli glanced at the window through which the morning light was shining. “What exactly did the doctors say about it?”
“My personal doctor says it’s a progressing disease that leads to death after a few years. He was surprised that I am still alive as I have been suffering from it for years.”
“What do other doctors say?” Lilli inquired.
“There are no other doctors. Except for a few village doctors here whom we haven’t consulted.”
“What, why don’t you get a second opinion, for God’s sake?” Lilli was stunned, but at the same moment a glimmer of hope welled up inside her.
“There is no one qualified,” Amon said. “W
e had a doctor come all the way who understands such rare diseases. That’s why he has a job here as long as I’m alive.”
Lilli thought of the evening when she had asked the personal physician for help. He hadn’t seemed particularly knowledgeable or interested in her then. He was probably resting at his post and pocketing the monthly salary until the king died at some point. Lilli had still not forgiven him for his disinterested behaviour towards Florian. She briefly considered telling Amon about it, but then remembered Sophia’s request and let it go for now. Instead, she made another advance.
“Would you agree if Berard gave you a check-up? He made a very good impression on me and we have nothing to lose.”
“I’ll do what you want, Lilli. You want to save me, so I can’t interfere with your plans.” Amon sounded serious, without a trace of mockery.
“Then I will have him summoned. It’s best you don’t do anything unusual until then, so the results won’t be tainted.” Lilli looked up as Amon suddenly stood up and stepped close to her. Then he wrapped his arms around her body and kissed her so hard she felt dizzy.
“I can’t believe you’d want to save me after I’ve been so selfish,” Amon whispered against her ear. “If I’m honest, I can’t believe there’s a rescue, but just the fact that you’re trying, that means more to me than I can say.”
Lilli put her hand to his cheek. “We’ll talk to Berard. And you won’t give up. You have to promise me that.”
“I swear.” He kissed her forehead and then pulled her tightly against him. They stood like that for a while, in an intimate embrace, then Lilli sent a messenger to Berard. Perhaps the doctor would be able to visit his king today.
The Scar-Faced King Page 16