Cory had other reasons for leaving me, but I wouldn’t let a drinking problem be one of them.
“Hey, did I show you this?” Jude asked, withdrawing an image from his wallet. “Kat’s ultrasound photo. That was last week,” he said, pointing at the photo as I took it. “He’s actually starting to look like a baby now.” He chuckled. “Instead of an alien.”
I stared at the photo a long time, my hand trembling slightly as I tried to reconcile the fact that Cory would one day be staring at one of these images with the man she loved by her side. A man who couldn’t wait to have a baby with her. Was I out of my mind for letting some other dude step in and take what should have been mine? I didn’t know. But lately I’d started wondering.
“That’s awesome,” I said, staring intently at the grainy black and white. “Must have been pretty cool for you, seeing him on the monitor for the first time, huh?”
He sat back, grinning. “I’ll probably get my man-card revoked for saying this, but I actually cried. I’m serious, dude.”
I’d known Jude a long time and I’d never seen him cry. Not even on his wedding day. But I got it. This was some serious shit. Bringing a baby into the world. Especially since they’d tried to get pregnant for over a year before it finally happened for them.
“I’m happy for you, man,” I said, passing the photo back to him. “Seriously.”
“Think you’d like to be a godfather?”
I stared at him, stunned he would even ask, especially given what he knew about me. “You can’t be serious.”
“I am.” He leaned in. “Kat and I talked about it and we both agreed you’re the man for the job.”
I swiped a hand over my face. I was flattered, but also scared shitless. And a little appalled. They were asking me to be responsible for their kid, should something happen to them? Were they crazy? Did they even know me at all? I was just about the worst candidate in the world for that role.
“You do know that Cory and I broke up because she wanted a baby and I didn’t, right?” I knew he knew it, but under the circumstances I felt it bore repeating.
“Yeah, you made a bonehead move. But that doesn’t mean you’re a bonehead.”
“What the hell are you talking about? You know I didn’t make that decision lightly, man. I agonized over it.”
“No, you didn’t.” He picked his beer bottle up, tipping it back against his lips. “You’d made that call long before you met Cory. You never even let yourself entertain the possibility of having a baby with her.”
“That’s not true.”
“Don’t bullshit me.” He looked me in the eye, daring me to look away. “You’ve been telling me forever that you don’t intend to get married or have kids. You’d already had your mind made up when you met Cory. Damn shame if you ask me. That girl should have had forever stamped on that fine ass, not freedom.”
“Fuck you, Jude.”
“You’re the one who’s fucked, man.” He sneered at me, pissing me off even more. “You’re crazy in love with this gorgeous, sweet, smart woman who feels the same way about you.” He raised a hand. “You have a successful business and home together. The only thing missing is the ring and the ba-”
“Don’t say it,” I warned, raising a hand. “Do. Not. Say. It.”
“So, you’ve never thought about it? Marrying her? Having a family with her?”
Only every night since we did a little role-playing in our office. But fantasy and reality were two different things and I had to remember that. If I thought I could handle it, then decided I couldn’t, it would kill Cory. I couldn’t risk hurting her like that.
“Sure, but I just can’t do it.” I stared at the scarred table, waiting for him to tear me a new one. ‘Cause that’s probably what I’d do if I saw my best friend screw up his life the way I was.
“Never thought I’d see you runnin’ scared, boss.”
“That’s not what this is.” I couldn’t even look him in the eye when I said that. “Yeah, okay. Maybe it is, but man, this is some serious shit. Cory deserves the best. A man who can be a good husband and father. Someone who’ll love her and take care of her and protect her.”
“Right, and that’s not you. ‘Cause you never looked out for her. You never threatened to beat the shit out of guys who put their hands on her or came on too strong when she was serving drinks.”
If not for the vow I’d taken with my Sensei, to only use my skill in self-defense, I would have busted more than a few heads. I hated it when dudes flirted with my woman. Even if she shut them down every time.
“Okay, yeah.” I pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to ward off a headache as I squeezed my eyes shut. The stress of contemplating a life and business without Cory was starting to wear me down. “I looked out for her. I loved her. But that wasn’t enough for her. She wanted more. The ring, the…” I sucked in a breath. I couldn’t even bring myself to say it anymore.
“You’d be lucky to have a woman like that wearing your ring. Sharing your last name.”
Like I don’t know that. “If she just wanted to get married I would have been down with that. It wasn’t the marriage part that scared me. It was-”
“Being a dad.” Jude rolled his eyes. “I know. But your brother’s not worried. He got engaged and I know for a fact he can’t wait to have kids with Jen.”
“Maybe he’s braver than I am.”
“Or smarter.”
“Shut up.”
“Maybe he realizes that what went down with your parents has no bearing on what kind of parents you’ll be.”
My brother was also a phys ed teacher who coached soccer and basketball in his free time. He loved kids. “I’m not my brother. He didn’t go through the shit I did in high school with-”
He flashed his phone at me. I caught a glimpse of a familiar face surrounded by little faces that looked a lot like hers. Caron. I snatched the phone from him. “Wow, she’s got four kids, huh?”
“And a husband who’s a fire fighter.”
“Nice.” I handed the phone back to him. “But I don’t see what that has to do with-”
“Looks like she’s got a pretty sweet life now. She wouldn’t have had that if you guys had stayed together. If she hadn’t miscarried you might have stayed with her, been bitter and resentful. You guys would have fought all the time. Then your kid would have grown up all messed up.” He smiled, though it never reached his eyes. “Just like you are.”
“What are you trying to say?”
“What happened back in high school happened for a reason, man. But it has nothing to do with what’s going down between you and Cory now.”
Easy for him to say. He didn’t see the look on Cory’s face when I told her about the miscarriage.
“I was there, remember? Caron was a sweet girl, but you never loved her the way you love Cory.”
“I’ve never loved anyone like that,” I muttered, though I knew it was obvious to my best friend that Cory owned me. “Never will again.”
“It’s not too late to make things right, Jace.”
“Yeah, it is.” I covered my face with my hands, heaving a sigh. “It’s over. You don’t even know. It’s so over, man. She’s moved on with her life. She’s got a new job, new place-”
“New man?”
I glared at him. “No.”
“Then it’s not too late.”
“What do you want me to do? Beg her to take me back?”
He leaned in, stabbing his finger into the table when we were face-to-face. “If you have to get down on your knees and beg that girl to take you back, that’s what you do. Just get her back.”
He made it sound so easy. “She’s done with me.”
“She will be if you don’t get your head outta your ass soon.” He glared at me across the table as he sank back in his seat. “You are the toughest sonofabitch I know. You’re the first guy I’d call to back me up in a street fight. The last one who’d back down or walk away from a challenge. Yet here you sit…
” He gestured to me, looking disgusted. “Like a goddamn pussy, whining ‘cause you can’t give your girl what she needs.”
He was pissing me off. He didn’t know what the hell he was talking about.
“What are you really afraid of?” He stared me down, challenging me. “Loving her too much? Having a baby with her and feeling like you’d be gutted if they left you the way your mom left you guys?”
I didn’t have to listen to this shit. I stood, but Jude said, “That’s right. Keep running, asshole.”
“Listen to me,” I said, pointing a finger in this face. “You don’t know shit. Your parents stayed together. They-”
“I don’t give a shit about your sad story, man. I’m sick of hearing it.”
I really needed to get new friends ‘cause this guy was an asshole. “Then fuck off. No one’s asking you to stay.”
“I’m here because I love you like a brother and I’m sick of seeing you make such a mess of your life. No one knows you like I know you. Except maybe your brother and Cory. And I know that you’d lose it if you got to see Cory bring your baby into the world.”
My gut clenched at that image, maybe because I’d been thinking about it so much lately.
He smirked. “You’d be one of those crazy protective fathers. Especially if you had a daughter that looked like your girl.” He chuckled. “I can see you now, sitting on the front porch with a shotgun at your feet, waiting to scare off any boys who thought about doing your princess wrong.”
I curled my hand around my glass, suddenly wishing I had something stronger.
“Or how ‘bout a son?” he asked, grinning. “Ball games on Saturday? The dojo a few nights a week. You could teach him everything you know.”
“Why are you doing this?” I asked, staring at him.
“Then there’d be all those nights after you put the kids to bed and had Cory all to yourself.”
I swallowed, curling my hand into a fist on the tabletop. This bastard had me wanting the life he described.
“Showing her how much you loved her. Never letting her forget it. Never letting another man take what’s yours.”
“I gotta get out of here.” My Harley was parked outside and I had never needed a ride more.
Jude grabbed my arm as I walked past him. “Don’t be an idiot, man. Don’t let another man have the life that should have been yours.”
***
I stared up at her bedroom window. The lights were dim. She was probably lying in bed reading. I needed to see her. But I didn’t know what to say. Please forgive me? Please give me another chance? Marry me?
I curled my hands into the pockets of my leather jacket as I considered my options. I could leave and continue to live in misery or I could man up and take what I wanted while I still had the chance. If I still had the chance.
Once I’d made my decision I didn’t walk or jog, I ran inside that building. My breathing was harsh, my heart beating the shit out of my chest as I pounded on her door like a man possessed.
She peeked out the door before opening it wide. “Jace. What the hell-?”
I hauled her into my arms and kissed her senseless as I kicked the door shut and rotated her so she was leaning against it. “Need. You,” I said, between kisses, my hands roughly pushing up her coral nightshirt and pinching her nipples.
She hissed, pushing my hands away. At the question in my eyes, she said, “Just really sensitive.”
Her tits were sensitive, which meant my timing was perfect. Her period wasn’t due yet.
She gripped my face when I tried to kiss her again. “What are you doing here? What’s this all about?”
“I made a huge mistake letting you go.” My lips were trailing down her neck, my hands working under her little black sleep shorts. “You want to get married? Let’s get married.” Anything. I’d do anything to have her back in my life.
Her eyes widened in shock. “Jace, if you’re saying this because you want sex-”
“No.” I gripped her hips, pressing her against the door while my erection grazed her bare belly. “This isn’t about the sex.” I hung my head, trying to align my scattered thoughts. I knew what I wanted to say and this had to come out right. I couldn’t afford another mistake. “This is about us. Our life together.”
“But I thought you didn’t want-”
“To have a family with you?” My heart clenched at the pained expression in her baby blues. I couldn’t pretend I’d done a complete about-face. I still had some shit to work through. But I was getting there. “I was an asshole for saying that, baby. What I should have said is that I just need more time. I really think I can get there eventually.”
“You need more time?” she asked, narrowing her eyes. “You think you can get there eventually?”
I could tell this wasn’t going well, but I was doing my best to be honest with her. I couldn’t walk in here making promises, dropping proposals, like I was suddenly a family guy. Ready to be Ward-fucking-Cleaver, father of the year.
“Let’s start by getting engaged,” I suggested, wishing like hell the jewelry stores hadn’t been closed by the time I had my little epiphany. I probably would have been able to sell it with a big-ass diamond. Buy myself a little more time to get used to the idea of a kid.
“You want to start by getting engaged.”
I knew the fact that she was echoing every one of my suggestions in disbelief wasn’t a good thing. So, I upped my game. “Yeah, wouldn’t have to be a long engagement.” I kissed her neck, my hands dipping beneath the elastic in her panties. “A year, two tops.” Didn’t women need at least that long to plan the wedding of their dreams? It was a win-win proposal as far as I was concerned.
“I…” She bit her lip when my fingers dipped inside before spreading the evidence of her arousal all over her. “Can’t.”
“You can’t what?” My hand stilled as I drew back. “Can’t wait a year or two?” I was trying to give her what she wanted, but she had to meet me halfway. I wasn’t about to jump on a plane to Vegas and tie the knot tonight. That would be crazy. And I tried to keep my crazy in the bedroom these days.
Her eyes were pleading with me to understand, but I didn’t. “I can’t be sure you’ll want what I want. You need me to give you time to get there, but I’m already there. You think you might want to marry be in a couple of years. You think you might want a baby someday. But I want all of that now.” She gripped my hand before stepping out of reach, walking into her small living space.
“But I’m getting there, baby. That’s the important thing. I’m getting there. I just need you to bear with me a little longer.” I gripped her shoulders when she turned away, hauling her back against my chest. “Give me a little more time.”
Her hand drifted from my forearm to her flat stomach before it fell away. “I wish I could. I wish we had all the time in the world to work this out, but he don’t.”
“Why?” I knew she thought her biological clock was ticking, but that was bullshit. She was in her early thirties. Women had babies in their forties and beyond these days. We could afford to wait a while longer.
“You’re just going to have to trust me on this.” She sighed. “I’m not trying to be a bitch. I just need you to understand.”
“But I don’t understand.”
I dropped my hands and heaved a sigh, tugging on my hair as I turned in a slow circle, trying to work out some of the frustration I was feeling. The last thing I wanted was to blow up at her, but I came here all excited because I thought she’d be thrilled that I was finally ready to put a ring on her finger. Instead she acts like I’m offering her too little, too late.
“I don’t understand any of this. I thought this was what you wanted.”
“It would have been,” she said, softly. “A year ago. But right now, today, I need more.”
“You’re not willing to give a goddamn inch are you?” I was shouting now, probably waking the neighbors, but I didn’t give a shit. “I’m the one who has to make all the
sacrifices? It’s your way or the highway, right?”
“I didn’t say that.” Her tone was low, controlled, making me sound like more of a maniac for losing my shit.
“Then what are you saying? Thanks, but no thanks? You were good enough for me before, but you’re not anymore?”
“This has nothing to do with you being good enough,” she said, closing her eyes, as though she was struggling for patience. “This is about me… putting myself first.”
“Like you’ve never done that before!” I knew I was being a dick, but I was reeling. How could she not want to get engaged? “It’s always been about you and what you want. I’ve bent over backward to give you want you want. And what thanks do I get?” I knew I wasn’t being fair. She’d probably compromised more than I had in our relationship, but I was hurt and angry. And scared. This couldn’t be the end of the road for us. The point of no return. Not when I’d finally started believing I could actually be a husband and father someday.
“I think you’d better leave,” she said, stepping past me. She reached for the door handle. “This isn’t getting us anywhere.”
I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to yell and scream if that’s what it took to get this shit resolved. Then I wanted to have the kind of make-up sex that rattled the pictures on the wall before we curled up in her bed and talked about the future. Where we’d live. The kind of wedding we’d have… the whole nine.
“I don’t get you,” I said, staring her down when she opened the door. “I don’t think you know what you want.”
“I do know what I want, Jace,” she whispered, her eyes meeting mine. “I’ve always known.”
Chapter Ten
Cory
I was scared to death. Lying flat on my back on a cold vinyl table waiting for a technician to perform a transvaginal ultrasound to tell me whether my baby was going to survive. In the past two weeks, since my last blow-up with Jace, I’d had bleeding. More than the usual spotting. And the doctor was concerned. I could tell, though he’d tried to reassure me everything was probably fine. He could still detect a heartbeat, he claimed. This was just a precaution, to put my mind at ease. But I wasn’t sure I believed him.
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