The young woman that follows never smiles back, gives no reaction whatsoever, doesn’t raise her chin, nothing. A doll would show more feelings, Gax thinks, feeling hurt. He greets the next woman slightly less exuberantly, again asking her if she found everything she had been looking for. She shakes her head, her eyes suddenly a little more alive. Gax’s heart skips. A reaction, at last! “I was looking for a book I had years ago,” she says, suddenly shutting her mouth, glancing around quickly. Gax tries to look trustworthy and well versed in Elabi literature, so after another quick look round she finally continues, “You see, it was this book about an animal, called a dog, it was ever such a good read. I know animals aren’t an option and of course, I totally agree!” She looks at Gax searchingly, as if to check that he believes her statement and he nods, looking serious. “This story was very educational though, you see, just from a purely factual perspective,” she sounds like she still needs to convince him. “I can’t find it anywhere though and I don’t know if the book is no longer, um…on the well, safe list.” Gax almost starts; there are a lot of lists here.
He looks at the computer next to the till. It has a search function, asking for either title or author. He asks her and she tells him it was by someone called Effuge. He types in the name, then turns back to the woman, feeling disappointed. “It’s no longer available,” he says, quickly clicking away from the screen and the red letters telling him that this writer and her books are on the List of Banned, Subversive Materials. Surely a book about dogs isn’t subversive, his mind protests. The woman looks at him, then dips her head, a tiny smile around her lips.
“I see,” she says softly, her eyes suddenly twinkling mischievously, only for a few seconds though, “Thank you for checking.” She pays for the pens and watercolour cards and leaves the shop, raising her chin when Gax wishes her a good remainder of the day. He is quite sure that she walks with a little more spring in her step, making his own smile grow. There are no more customers in the shop and Gax knows that Inritia will come back soon. Grabus is hopefully still busy with his meeting preparation. This is his one chance to have a few questions answered. Gax turns back to the computer and after his own furtive glance around the shop, quickly types in, Orwell. Red letters glare back at him and he goes back to the search page quickly, giving a little snort. What did he expect? Talk about being watched. Another look, another quick typing in the search box labelled Author, “Shakespeare”. Red letters, more this time.
His finger freezes above the Back button and Gax looks at the message on the screen. “You have found three searches leading to the List of Banned, Subversive material. If they were requests from the same customer, please take Name and Register Number and make a report. Thank you for keeping our society free from divisive influences.”
Chapter 20
The red letters stare back at Gax and after another quick glance round he clicks the back button. He keeps staring at the screen, his fingers hovering over the keyboard, expecting another message such as, “We have noted that no report has been made.” But the search screen remains and after a while Gax breathes out. Before another customer comes to the counter, Inritia has returned from her rather long lunch break. Gax thinks about the forbidden list as he dusts. It is not surprising they have a list of banned books. He guesses most older books will be on that list. What would have happened to all the copies though? It’s not easy to eradicate every single existing book from an entire city. There are always people who will cling on to a book, hiding it.
Gax is tired by the time work finishes. The shelves were in a terrible state and the last one he ended up taking every book off the shelf, cleaning it, then returning each book. Grabus glowers and Inritia stares. When she keeps staring, even showing her cat teeth a bit, Gax feels he has to say something. “What? Every single book was out of place and the shelf was disgusting,” he says, hearing the defensive edge in his own words. Inritia wrinkles her straight nose.
“That’s what happens when Mansits look after the shop on Hexaday and Enday,” she says, making it very clear that she despises them. “Every week it is like this. The till is all sticky, the staffroom is a mess and sometimes there are books on the floor.” Gax is shocked and he says so, asking her why on earth would they do that to the shop. Why not look after it? “It’s not their problem and in a way I think it is their way of punishing the council for making them work when everyone else has a day off. Some of them just don’t care at all, they know somebody else will pick up the mess. It doesn’t have to look that amazing though,” she adds, looking at the shelf again with a funny look.
Gax shrugs, “It’s nice to do a job well, it gives a lot of satisfaction,” he smiles, feeling pleased with his clean shelf. Dusting is still not his thing, but seeing the clean shelf is gratifying. Inritia sniffs and says, “Well, tomorrow you get to do it all over again and the day after. Where is the satisfaction in that? Nobody needs it that clean and tidy anyway, who will even notice? You really are odd. Why would you put so much energy and effort in a useless little task like that? It’s not going to get you anywhere, so why bother?”
He looks at her, hesitates a moment, then says, “But I see it. I know what I have done. My task was to dust, I get paid for that. So I dust, whether anybody sees me or not. It’s called integrity and honesty. Otherwise, I would be accepting money for something I hadn’t actually done. That would be stealing.” He almost added, and God sees me, but he decides that’s enough for now. She is pulling a face as it is, even taking a small step backwards to distance herself from him. She repeats that he really is weird. “Hopefully the weirdness isn’t catching,” she sneers.
Gax is glad to get home and excited at the prospect of going to the gym again after dinner and hopefully seeing Caecilia. He unscrews the big screen downstairs to hide his notebook and biro, after writing down the happenings of today, especially the Banned Book List. He thinks about Inritia’s attitude to work and the Mansits’ obvious lack of enthusiasm for their jobs. It does explain the state of the shops. The gym is back to normal, it seems, with some of the regular faces there. Gax works hard, but fast. He doesn’t want to miss out on seeing Caecilia. He has a few things in mind to talk to her about, wondering how far he can push her. Would she betray him? Is there a reward for giving up dissidents?
Looking round the cooling down room, he carefully raises his chin at Caecilia, pleased to see her blush, her eyes looking pleased to see him. The other people in the cooling down room seem very intent on what they are doing. He noticed the same thing in the gymnasium itself, people totally self absorbed, focussed on their own workout. Nobody chats, nobody does the workout with a friend, something Gax has always enjoyed. There is something special in working out with a friend, the level of competition, laughter and talk in between. Here the gymnasium is totally quiet, apart from grunts and snorts. Gax knows that if it wasn’t for seeing Caecilia afterwards, he’d quite happily skip the gym. There is the matter of physical fitness though, something that men in Elabi have to work on. No abs, no citizen status.
Caecilia is waiting for him and Gax smiles, raising his chin more enthusiastically. “Did you have an exciting Enday?” He grins mischievously when he sees her blush, looking a little confused.
“What do you mean, exciting,” she asks and Gax notices the little edge to her voice. His question has clearly rattled her, which is why he asked it. He shrugs, and asks, “Well, anything out of the ordinary?”
Caecilia blushes again, looking away for a moment. When she looks back at him, her face looks a little firmer and Gax isn’t sure what the look in her eyes mean. “I went to my dad’s lighthouse,” she says and when she sees his face she explains, “My dad is the lighthouse keeper, and I sometimes help him. I like technical things.” Gax nods and Caecilia looks away again, then says, “Whilst up there I saw a young man walking around by himself. I had seen him walking by himself before, but then it was the middle of the night, a week or so ago.” She looks at him then and Gax is the one turning
away this time. He stands in the door opening, looking out across the sea, the hills dark in the late evening light. He swallows, feeling his cold hands, panic making his heart jump in his rather sore chest, courtesy of his workout. She saw him? She saw him the night he arrived? Does she know it was him? Can she be sure it is him? Should he deny? No he can’t. The no-lies policy is firmly in place. What should he do? Is there time to get out? Does anybody else know? He rubs his neck, trying to steady his breathing.
“I guessed it was you already,” her voice is soft, “but when I saw you on Enday, I knew for sure. That is why you talk differently and seem different. It’s because you are different.” He turns round and Caecilia is there, a soft smile on her face, her eyes curious. “Why did you come?” He sighs, there is no way he can answer that question. He can’t lie to her, but to give her a direct answer isn’t an option.
“I’m sorry,” he says, his voice low, “I can’t really answer that question. All I can say is that I haven’t come to harm or destroy or do damage.” He hesitates, is that actually true? “Not to any of the people anyway,” he modifies, “I want to do good, to help and bring…” Bring what? How should he describe it? Caecilia listens, her head to one side, waiting for him to finish his sentence. “Bring people joy and a purpose in life ,” he finishes lamely. Speaking to the meetings at home it had been so different, his mission statements bold, brave and clear. Caecilia nods, so he hopes that at least it made sense to her. “I went to the city on Enday.” He wants to tell her about the old woman, looking for an opportunity to tell her about the words on the basin. “I wanted to see the Gardens again with the fountain and the rubbed out words.”
Caecilia looks at him, “Why? Why go and see an old stone basin? I’m still surprised the guard let you through.” He dips his head, yes, he was too. He was even more stunned by the guard’s reaction when talking to him on the bench.
“I also saw an old lady there,” he continues, determined to get to his point. “I saw her the day before as well. She told me the words that used to be on the basin.” He looks at Caecilia’s face, wondering how she will react to that one! Caecilia gasps, her eyes wide open and she actually takes a step back. Gax feels disappointment wrenching his stomach. He had so hoped and prayed, surely this was the right time and all that… “Her husband was one of the workers erasing the words,” he says softly, not quite giving up yet. “He went to see the fountain before that and told his wife the words.” Caecilia looks less horrified and actually leans forwards a little, curious in spite of her aversion. “The woman had kept the words all this time, now she’s gone Downstream,” he stretches it as much as he can, recognising that her curiosity might win over her upbringing. “She told me the words on Hexaday. I knew them,” he says, keeping his eyes on her face, not wanting to lose momentum.
Caecilia licks her lips, he can see the war inside her play out in her dark eyes and in the end she whispers, “What were the words then?” Looking round immediately as if regretting, fearing what she had done just now will have dreadful consequences. Gax feels sorry for her, for the fear and oppression in people’s lives, his mission feeling more important than ever. If only it didn’t feel so impossible.
He finds himself checking his surrounds as well, her fear infectious, then says quietly, “It said, I Will Give Unto Him That Is Athirst Of The Fountain of The Water Of Life Freely. That’s what it used to say,” he says, his stomach vibrating a little with excitement. How will she react? Caecilia doesn’t react for a while, obviously mulling over the words in her head, Gax watching her intently.
Then she looks at him, “What does it mean? And why were they removed in such a secretive way, with blindfolded workers? It doesn’t make any sense. How can those words pose a threat?” Gax dips his head. Yes, the words seem so innocent, words connected to the large sparkling fountain. He knows differently though, he knows the power isn’t in the words itself, but in the One who spoke those words. How does he explain that to Caecilia? “You can always pray,” Linu reminds him.
“It isn’t so much the words, as the One who said them,” he explains to Caecilia. “You see, they are words from a forbidden book. A very powerful book. The old lady and her husband had the Book, they knew the words, remembered them and read the Book. He was sent beyond the hills. She stayed here but kept quiet.”
Caecilia dips her head, “Yes, I have heard my grandfather talk about a book that gets people sent beyond the hills quicker than he could finish a bottle of Garum,” she grimaces, looks at him, then away. She just figured out that I know the Book, he thinks. “Why would people go to so much trouble, just over a book,” she asks, a little bitter, as if she is already blaming him for trouble that will most likely come. “I don’t understand people,” she says, her voice sharp, “Why go through so much trouble, when you don’t need to? Why not just live your life within the council’s bounds? Most people are perfectly happy and satisfied,” she sounds as if she is challenging him and Gax feels sad. He doesn’t want to fall out with her.
“It’s not really about the book,” he says, carefully, “Like I said, it’s about Who spoke those words. The Book contains lots of invitations and when I look round, so many people seem weighed down by life. There don’t seem many meaningful relationships.” He realises that she is an exception. They have spent several evenings now, getting to know each other. She told him about her mum, Mollis, and her great skills in the kitchen, even though her father spoils every meal by drizzling garum over it. “You see, there is another invitation, where it says, ‘Come unto Me, all you that labour and are heavy laden.’ So many people here seem to be burdened.” Caecilia nods very slowly, then asks him to repeat the invitation, in a voice that shakes ever so slightly.
“Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest,” he quotes, humbled by the answer to his prayers. She turns away with a sob.
Chapter 21
“Rest? What do you know about rest?” Caecilia glares at Gax through her tears. “There is no rest in this place, there can’t be, not until we go Downstream. Who would ever want that sort of rest?” Gax is stunned. Caecilia seems always so composed, occasionally confused by his words, but very self controlled. Now she seems to be unravelling. She is still sobbing, her voice bitter, “You have no idea what that means, no idea! Who would want to go Downstream, just to get some rest?” Gax stares, what does she mean?
“Go Downstream?” he repeats, “what do you mean, go Downstream?” She sighs angrily, rolling her eyes, still streaming with tears.
“It’s obvious, isn’t it? That is what you said. Go to whoever made the invite, escape your duties here, to the city and have a life of rest Downstream!” Gax stares again. How did she jump to that conclusion?
“That is not what it means,” he looks at her, using again the placating hand and calm voice. It worked earlier today, so hopefully it will work with Caecilia as well. It does. She is still sobbing, but softly now and Gax repeats his quiet statement. “That is really not what it means. You don’t leave the city, you don’t even have to leave this tower,” he smiles a little, for yes, some invitations seem almost too good to be true! Caecilia stops crying, confusion and curiosity all over her face. “You see, it’s not talking about a physical coming, just as the words on the fountain basin weren’t talking about a physical fountain. It’s about your spirit, your soul, your deepest being.”
Caecilia sinks down on the little stone bench in the tower, and Gax sits near her, but not too near. “It’s all in the Book?” She looks at him, querying. He nods and leans forwards a little, ready to launch into the whole explanation, but Caecilia jumps up with a little cry. “Oh no, look at the light, I need to go. See you tomorrow,” she says and turning round for a second at the door opening, smiles back and says, “Have a very good day,” and she is off, leaving Gax sitting on the bench, gasping, feeling like a popped balloon. So close! He got so very close.
“Just one more minute, Lord, one more minute would be all it
would have taken, and…” He groans. Will she even be interested tomorrow? What if that Macia turns her away from it all? What if something happens to her tomorrow? And anyway, this incredible moment has passed, and she might not even want to know tomorrow. Just one minute. The bench feels hard and cold all of a sudden. Caecilia is right, the light has more or less gone. Gax drags himself to his feet, and staggers along the narrow path back to his house. Every time he thinks about the missed moment he groans again in frustration and sadness. “We didn’t even talk about the next Hexaday,” he moans, as he had a brilliant plan in his mind.
He is too upset to even retrieve his notebook to write down the events. “As if I would forget,” he whispers bitterly, prompting Yulra to ask what he would like to forget. “I wouldn’t even know where to start,” he snorts back, feeling a tiny bit better, taking his annoyance out on his irritating Automated Servant. Gax doesn’t sleep well that night, having bizarre dreams of getting one minute late for everything, missing out on food, work, exercise, his tiny coracle long smashed to pieces. Gax wakes up with his mood only marginally better, his head feeling tired and stuffed. He rubs his temples, worried that a headache might set in. He has some tablets with him, hidden in his bag, but he might need them another time if he stays here long enough. His eyes feel heavy, and Gax keeps checking the light. Is his vision swirling, the light playing tricks? It’s usually the first sign of a severe headache coming on. His sight is a little blurry, but steady and he feels relieved. Getting ready seems to take longer that morning and again Gax runs out of time to unscrew the screen and read his little Book. For a moment he considers unscrewing the back, reading the Book, then screw the screen back later, but he decides against it, the old lady’s account still too fresh in his memory.
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