by Z. B Heller
I got into Ryan’s Honda, feeling a little off balance. My head swirled like a tornado from everything that had happened between us. It was all so much to process; I didn’t even know where to start. Ryan must have sensed my unease because after he had pulled out of his parking space, he grasped my hand. I threaded our fingers together and gave him a quick squeeze. I needed him to ground me in all of this.
“So I think we should have a party at my place to celebrate your big coming out,” Ryan said, not taking his eyes off the road.
“Excuse me?” I said, taken aback.
“Yeah, we can invite all your premed friends and our friends and have a get together. I want everyone to know we’re officially a couple. Plus, I want to show off your beautiful ass to the ladies and show them they can’t have you. But then again, once they find out you’re gay, they’re going to want you even more. Women have this weird thing about going after gay guys even when they know we’ve exiled the pussy—”
“Ryan!” I snapped. My hands started turning clammy, and I felt the collar of my shirt getting tight around my neck.
“What? Hetero guys call it pussy. Was a law passed that gay guys can’t say the word pussy? I mean it’s a lot better than saying cun—”
“Ryan!” I pulled my hand out of his. The small space in the car felt like it was closing in.
“Brandon, what’s wrong?”
“Pull over.” I braced my hand on the door and the center console.
Ryan looked at me and back to the road and then back to me again. “Now?”
“Pull over!” I screamed, trying to gasp for air. I rolled down the window for air.
Ryan swerved the steering wheel. Car horns honked at us as Ryan switched lanes until he got to the shoulder. He put the car in park, tore off his seatbelt, and faced me. I closed my eyes, trying to count my breaths until I could calm down. I swallowed around the dryness in my throat. My hands shook and my vision blurred.
“What the fuck just happened?” Ryan asked, putting his hand on my shoulder.
“I don’t know.” That was a lie. I knew full well what just happened. The thought of letting everyone in on the secret that I had buried for so long petrified the living shit out of me. It was one thing to come out to Ryan; I trusted him. The thought of coming out to a whole group all at once was daunting. I wasn’t ready to answer people’s questions about coming out or how long I’ve known I was in love with Ryan. How could I possibly explain to others how I felt about being a gay man if I was just coming to grips with in myself?
“We don’t have to have a huge party. I was only thinking of twenty or so.”
“I can’t do it,” I said softly and buried my face in my hands.
Ryan sat in his seat and looked at me, trying to comprehend what I was saying.
“Can’t do what? Brandon, I need you to talk to me.”
“I can’t do a party.” I took my hands away from my face, but I couldn’t look at him.
“So we won’t have a party. That’s cool, I guess. We’ll just tell people one at a time.”
“No.” I shook my head adamantly.
“Brandon, what the hell? Can you tell me what’s going on in your head because even though I’m awesome at a lot of things, I’m not a mind reader.”
I wrung my hands, knowing the words that were about to come out were going to hurt him. “I can’t tell people I’m gay.”
The silence that enveloped the car was deafening. I looked at Ryan from the corner of my eye; he was as still as a statue. His eyes burned into my skin like the lashings I’d gotten from my dad. It hurt just as much as the switch did.
Finally, Ryan broke the silence. “I’m sorry. I could have sworn it was your dick I was sucking upstairs and your hand jerking us off. Because if it wasn’t, tell me where I can find that guy so I can fuck him instead of the asshole sitting in front of me.”
“You don’t have to be so crass.” I finally looked at him. His jaw was tight, and he narrowed his eyes at me.
“Really?” His raised his voice. “It wasn’t even a few hours ago that these crass words had you coming so fucking hard in my mouth.”
His tone made me flinch, and shame washed over me like a tidal wave.
“So how was this going to work for you, Brandon? Were you just going to go on your merry way, doing what you normally do, and then secretly come over and use my mouth to get off? Where you just going to introduce me as a friend to everyone, but at night let me fuck you until you’re too sore to walk?”
“Stop it!” I screamed, breaking Ryan’s tirade. The degradation melted into pure anger. “You have no room to say anything. You always had it so easy, Ryan. You had a family and friends who supported you one hundred percent, the perfect life that every gay guy dreams of. Everything was handed to you on a silver platter, and not once did you stop and realize that not everyone is as fortunate as you.”
I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my face, each drop filled with frustrations I had harbored for so long. “You didn’t have to suffer years of abuse at the hands of your father. The bullies at school didn’t tease you endlessly. How do you expect me to put all that behind me in one day to satisfy your need show me off as your boyfriend?”
“So you don’t want to be my boyfriend?” Ryan’s eyes narrowed, and the muscles in his jaw tensed. “I want to show everyone that you belong to me.”
“Are you listening to yourself?” I asked incredulously. “Is that all you’re doing? Parading me around as your arm candy?”
“No.” His face went soft, and he put his hand on my knee. “Brandon, those years are behind you now. You have me; I’ll take care of you. I’ll protect you.”
“I can’t!” I yelled. “I told you before; it’s not your fucking job to protect me. I need to learn how to do this myself.” I took a deep breath and looked out the passenger side window, hoping the answers I sought were lying on the side of the road.
Ryan tugged my hand. “Hey, I think we need to calm down.”
I didn’t respond, and he removed his hand. He started the car and turned back into traffic.
We remained silent all the way back to my apartment. My tears had stopped, but my mind still reeled with the complexity of what I had just done to Ryan. I was pushing him away. Anxiety engulfed me at the prospect of losing him, but I need him to understand how difficult it was for me to take a step this huge. It seemed so simple when we were lying in bed, sated in a postorgasm high. But in the light of day, my demons were still very much alive and revving to destroy any prospect of happiness.
Ryan didn’t turn the engine off when he stopped in front of my building. “You’re right. I can’t imagine what you’ve gone through.”
I looked at him; his eyes still held anger and rejection.
“I’ve wanted you for so long that I can’t even remember a time I didn’t fantasize about the two of us together.”
I nodded.
“But I can’t do it anymore. Brandon. I can’t wait while you hide in the closet. Especially knowing how good you taste on my lips and how perfect our bodies feel against each other, or how I know I would lose any rational thought when I buried myself inside of you.”
My breath hitched. I’d dreamt and jerked off thinking about it more times than I could count.
“Ryan, I just need some time.” My words sounded so weak and hollow.
Ryan shook his head. “I need you just like you need me. But I won’t be someone’s secret, especially yours. I love you, and I would do anything to make sure you were safe. But it’s pretty obvious that you don’t trust me.”
He loves me. My heart wanted to spring out of my chest and scream, “I love you back, please understand.”
“Ryan, I do trust you—”
“Then prove it. Prove to me that you’re willing to take this next step together and let me be the one to help you battle the demons. Help me show the world who you are.”
I sighed and looked at my knotted hands, trying to find the right
words to say.
“If you’re ready to be with me, meet me tonight at Club Pearl. Otherwise, I don’t know if we can continue.”
I shot my gaze to his. “Are you saying if I don’t come, then that’s it? No relationship, no friendship? Don’t you think that’s a bit extreme?”
Again he shook his head. “Brandon, I won’t be able to see you knowing what we could have had. It would tear me apart.” He fought a sob as a tear fell from his eye onto his shirt. I leaned in to kiss his cheek, but he pulled himself away, not allowing the physical contact. My head rested on the headrest, and I closed my eyes and released and long sigh.
“The choice is yours, Brandon. Meet me or continue lying to yourself and everyone else.”
I opened my eyes and nodded to myself. I opened the car door, got out, and took one last look at Ryan. I wanted to sear his image into my head; it might be the last time I ever was going to see him.
Ryan, 6:02 p.m.
I felt terrible after the fight I had with Brandon. I kicked myself because I should have been more supportive of him, but instead I made it all about my asshole self. He was right. I did have every gay boy’s dream. Coming out was a walk in the park compared to the horror stories I’ve heard. My parents never threatened to throw me out—except for that one time I tied my sister to the coffee table and conveniently forgot about her. Hey, I was ten. She deserved it. She undid the perfect bun I’d put in her Barbie’s hair after I’d spent a whole hour working on it. Ugh, I should have realized then I’d already earned my homo card.
Thinking about the look on Brandon’s face when I chewed him out for not proclaiming to be my boyfriend in front of the whole nation about killed me. Was I expecting an official decree stating he was a proud homosexual? No. All I wanted was to finally make him mine. After years of hoping and praying he would play for the same team, for my wish to come true…
Brad Pitt: You know, Ryan, your behavior was deplorable.
Steve Buscemi: Way to put your foot down. You’re nobody’s butt bitch.
Brad Pitt: Excuse me? He just pushed the one person he loves away.
Steve Buscemi: Love? Who said anything about love? He was a greedy punk who needed a good fucking.
Brad Pitt: How is it that we even share the same mind? Where do I go to ask for a refund or an exchange for a different brain?
Love. I thought about that word for a moment and realized the people I associated with that word were my family… and Brandon. I’ve loved him for so long I became blind to the fact that I even was in love with him in the first place. I even confessed to him that I was in love with him when we fought in the car. Could there have been a worse time to confess my feelings? Holy shit, I completely fucked up! I grabbed my phone, ready to call him and apologize. No, maybe I should text. Wait, maybe that’s too informal to express my undying love for him. Maybe he doesn’t even want to talk to me because I won the douchebag of the year award.
Brad Pitt: More like the century.
I get it, Brad Pitt. Take a chill pill.
Instead of calling him, the next best thing to do was talk to him in person when he came to the club later. That was if he came to the club. Okay, a quick text. I got my phone and started punching in letters.
I think we have to talk.
No, wait. That sounded too grim.
I need to make sweet, sweet love to you and forget this ever happen.
Mmm, I think that’s probably avoiding the issue. The idea of kissing and making up was very appealing. Fuck, that’s just making me horny.
Roses are red, violets are blue. Your ass is mine, and so are you.
That sounds possessive and stalkerish. It did have truth in it, though. I did want to make him mine, and I would peck out the eyes out of anyone who came near him. None of those things seemed like the right thing to say, so I just went with…
Hey.
Brandon 8:53 p.m.
I got out of the shower and toweled myself dry. My legs ached from the hour I pushed myself on the treadmill. I’d run until my legs shook in pain. I wanted to feel anything except for the confusion sprinting through my head. What Ryan had said to me in the car stung, but part of him was right. He didn’t deserve to be someone’s secret, but was I really to make that leap?
I looked at myself in the mirror and tried to imagine how much my life would change if I came out. I wasn’t naive to think everyone would accept who I was. Sadly, the world was still filled with hate. I asked myself: Could I handle the hate people might throw at me if Ryan was by my side to help me.
I had enough of being the frightened child hiding in the background. I’d taken the first step in making a new life when I left home and my parents. The years my father spent belittling me and abusing me were in the past. Or so I tried to tell myself. My past never went away no matter how far I ran from it. I thought about what my life would be like without Ryan. His ultimatum rocked me to the core. What would happen if I didn’t go? I couldn’t let him slip away; I loved him too much. It was time to make the journey to be true to myself and to Ryan. I finally deserved to be happy and that meant having Ryan in my arms every day.
Ryan 10:05 p.m.
“Sugar, why do you look like a pimp who just lost his best girl?” Jasmine donned her red leather cat suit, black thigh-high fuck-me boots and strapped a pair of black angel wings to her back. Her blond wig was pin straight with blunt bangs, and her makeup was done to perfection. If I hadn’t seen her duct tape her own balls to her ass, I would have sworn she was a woman.
“It’s been an exciting twenty-four hours,” I said, my eyes never wavering from the door. A glass of beer had eased my nerves, but I’d switched over to Jack and Coke an hour ago. That numb feeling you get after a nice buzz spread over my body. I needed this liquid courage if I was going to see Brandon. No, not if. When I saw him. He had to show up; I had so much to say to him.
“Mmm-hmm, and did those twenty-four hours include a brown-haired, brown-eyed God?” Jasmine continued. I looked down at my feet in an attempt to ignore her.
“I see. What did you do, you little piece of shit?”
I jerked up my head to look at her. “How do you figure it was something I did?”
“Because your name shouldn’t be Ryan. Trouble is more appropriate.”
My shoulders sagged, and I let out a long sigh. “Fine, you’re right, it’s Brandon. We kinda, you know…”
“You plowed his backyard? Rode the bronco? Diddled his dong?”
I looked at her and rolled my eyes.
“What? From this attitude you’re throwing around, I know you didn’t play Scrabble.”
“No.” I shook my head and took another sip of my drink before explaining things to Jasmine. “After coming back from the club, we were both on this sexual high. Before I knew it, we were kissing and all over each other. He told me that he had feelings for me all this time, but didn’t know if he should ever act on them. Then he had some sort of anxiety attack and passed out. When we woke up in the morning, he told me things about his past that he had never mentioned before. About how his parents were abusive and his dad used to beat him with a tree branch.”
“Oh sweet mother of God. That poor boy.” Jasmine brought her hand up to her chest and covered her heart.
“After our discussion, I blew him and we jacked off in the shower.”
“You did what?” She swatted me on the back of the head.
“Ow! What the fuck?” I rubbed the spot.
“He trusted you with delicate information, and then you attacked his junk. What is the matter with you? Did you mother not teach you any manners?”
“You definitely won’t like the next part, then.”
“Oh, heaven help me.” She looked to the sky and threw her hands up like she was praying to God.
“We got into my car so I could take him home to change, and I sort of told him that we were going to have a coming-out party for him because I wanted everyone to know we were together. He flipped out, saying he wasn�
�t ready for anyone to know and he wanted just to keep things quiet for the time being. I told him I wasn’t going to be anyone’s secret and he had to make a decision.”
“Which is?”
“If he was ready to come out and be with me, he had to meet me here tonight.”
Jasmine stood and looked straight at me with a menacing scowl on her face. I had a feeling I was about to get my ass handed to me.
“What?”
“Ryan Keller, I love you more than I love my favorite pair of Prada shoes. But there is something I should have said to you long ago, and now I’m kicking myself with these fuck-me boots for not doing it sooner. You are one selfish, egotistical motherfucker.”
My eyes bugged out of my head. “Excuse me?”
“You know what would have stuck out to me if you’d told me all that? It was all about you. ‘I did this,’ ‘I wanted this.’ It’s no wonder he flipped out. Honey, you were fed with a silver spoon dipped in a bowl of unrealistic expectations. Not everyone had the fairyland you did with parents who shot gay rainbows out their asses. Some of us really struggled with finding ourselves and dealing with real fears of being outcasted with nowhere to turn.” Tears filled her eyes, threatening to ruin her perfect eye makeup. She let out a small sob before continuing. “Did you know I had to move into my auntie’s house because my parents wouldn’t speak to me for months?”
I couldn’t find words to answer, so I just shook my head.
“No, of course you didn’t know that because you never asked about my experiences. I’ve heard all about your perfect life because you made sure you threw it in people’s faces. I’ve seen how Brandon looks at you, and he idolizes you. But sadly, you’re too wrapped up in your shit to see it.”