by Tess McInnis
Just about the same time as I was worshiping my secrets, feline doctor walks in. She is of such haughty taught air, that I wondered why I ever liked her. Besides, she had betrayed me as well as anyone else. “I have some news for you” she sings and it matches her stride. “The police have a suspect in custody and will arraign him on Monday.”
“Your kidding?” I answer with wide eyes of curious surprise.
“I knew this would bring some peace to you, so I wanted to come down here to tell you”
“Your kidding?” I am caught in a loop of what-the-hell?
“Oh Nooooo, everything is going to be fine now...he was caught yesterday. According to the police, the man worked here. He was praying on others too. A doctor caught him...well....you know, we don't need to discuss details. Anyways, the police came and hauled him in.” She started to laugh a little and then said “you know, they did say the little Latino gave them quite a run.”
“YOUR KIDDING?” I lost my breathing in this last repeat. I am thinking fast, oh-my-fucking-God fast. Like really, oh-my-fucking-God fast. This cannot be. The Roach had told me himself “I should have made sure you were dead, you fucking little cunt”. I remember this clearly as the chair snap-popping his eyeball deep in his skull. The Roach, he was the one. As sure as I am of my sanity, I am sure his death was imminent. Why would lil' Mex confess to this? Feline doctor is watching me twist my facial expressions. She sees my questions falling out of my head.
“ There was another suspect involved too...I didn't really want to bring all of this back up. Especially seeing how well you have overcome these traumatic events. It appears he had a partner in crime, who worked here as well. Those two had quite the little game going on....both were looting and selling the medications. God knows the realm of the damage they have done. Police are investigating each case. They may wish to talk to you again.” Feline doctor's pager went off, she looked, pressed a button and then looked up at me. I was trapped in same face. No words in my head or my mouth. I could have easily been a human taxidermied in that moment. She began to make heel clicks to the door but stopped dead center of the room. Just like a dramatic moment from a lame soap opera, came her pivot, pose, and she had more wise words for me
“You know, I don't know how to say this...but I feel I need to warn you. They haven't caught the other man. In fact, police cannot locate his whereabouts at all. We have beefed up security. Just be careful....” and she was dramatically gone. I sat there numb. I tried to recall every single conversation I had with lil' Mex. I was conjuring up reasons why he would behave so odd by giving me the knife and panties. His motives, for all his actions eluded me. Nothing made sense. Unless, he needed my rapist-murderer out of the picture...but why didn't he do the same things to me? Or had he? Shit, my head was a rock tumbler. One thought rock would roll around for answers, than another. Confusion. I surrendered to the outcome in a sickened way. I decided I had admiration for lil' Mex. He had game. In fact, his game was better than mine. Too bad the little fucker didn't run faster. As for the missing fellow I wished the police the best of luck bringing him in. I shivered in moral satisfaction of that happy ending. I decided to shower and paint on a face. After all, “well girl” would be leaving soon.
Promises in little bubbles floating with dandelion parachutes of hope across the warm air. I am singing a sunshine melody laying intentions on the greenest grass. This is the hill of hope I say, as I push my bare feet into cool water of the hill's pond. I wish to stay here forever, I say to him...I turn to see him sitting right next to me, plucking at the yellow dandelions, singing his own song. Yes, he says..yes...this is what heaven must feel like. I nod, smile and he teases my chin with his strong hand. It is the strong hand which pulls my face close to catch his kiss. Souls on fire. Love becoming in the first meeting of the lips. Butterflies appear, dance and dip into our hair. We laugh for each other. Falling onto our backs to witness together the perfect sky on the perfect day. God gave us this. God gave us each other. This hill of hope. These little bubbles floating off with our promises. Love is the only breath to life. Love is a desire to feel full by another undying thirst for love in return. Finally, I say, finally.
GRACE by Sugar Red Drive
Red slippers. Perfect. Whoever had sat them my bed knew me well. I slid my feet into these poignant statements and wandered over to the chair to see more street clothes limped over the arm. These are okay I thought. Not really my style yet they smelled of familiarity, in fact they screamed it. This skirt of crimson and white meddled by black. This shirt yelling “you love me on your skin”. I put my hands up to my ears to stop the clothes from talking so loudly. I wish to shut them up. I expected at any time for the fabrics to begin a spooky dance towards me. I was afraid. My only option was to get rid of them. My first thought was under the mattress of the bed. I stuffed them deep into a heavy centered area of the mattresses. I could still hear the voices of the skirt. I grabbed the skirt quickly and ran to the bathroom, tossing the skirt in the toilet. My hands were persistent in drowning this odd intruder. After about three flushes I was able to see the end of my torment. I exhaled. Relief. Now I could concentrate on the gracious sandy sound of my delicious red slippers lisping the floor in each step. I did this until I heard a knuckle knock on my door. I looked to see a tall willowy man popping his body half in, half out of my room's door. “Hi my baby....” he says. His hair dark in small waves, eyes so brown...like the eyes I dream of with my perfect man. His skin darker but not from tanning. For all of me, I had not a clue who he was. “How are you honey?” he spoke again. Okay, I thought, I will play along. Sure, this is a dream. Or a nightmare. Once again, my mind is pushed hard to the front center stage. His attractiveness catches me fondling my hair and then becoming self aware of my looks. I back away slowly into the bathroom to sneak a glance at how bad I must really look to anyone. I was right. My hair could have been blonde dreads in another month. My face pale from lack of light, lack of life...or too many meds. I was shy and remained in the bathroom, only peeking out with my partial face shot.
“I make I brought the wrong clothes, I always seem get your clothes wrong...I am sorry my princess” oh, he spoke again to me.
“They weren't mine” I whispered, leaving the words carry louder with the hollow echo of the bathroom.
“Sure, sure they are” he was speaking with a strong accent I did recognize. Somewhere I had loved this voice always. I was confused. I was memorized by his presence. And I was melting in my soul for his voice to speak to me again.
“Those were mine?” I bashfully replied in a child voice.
“Ahhh, my princess, I have missed you so...so very much” and he approached me. I took a step back from him, fearing my looks, my hygiene, my state of mind...fearing him. He reached his left hand to my face and left it there. The softest hand emitting love to a lost face, this lost face of mine. I let my head fall into his hand and closed my eyes. I remember this. I remember him. Tears again. This time my soul was opened, like God himself had come to hold me. He pressed me into his chest and wrapped his arms around me to full completeness. “I love you, my beautiful messy”. Messy. His name for me in bad English. I knew of our story....it was flashing quickly like a movie within my heart. He was my enigma. He was my muse. He was my saving grace in the world. He was a part of me. I had never deserved him, yet it was his love I had won. I whimpered with inner peace, each tear holy to me. He was here now.
He did come for me.
“You are late” I parted from him and turned away, arms crossed.
“What you mean late” his accent missing words in sentences.
“I mean, you never showed up” Yes. I had total recall of the day by the river. The river where it all began. I was waiting for him. My Arabian prince to come to me. To be mine forever.
“Honey, I was there....I was only little far away...I waited too. You never come. I was so sad for this. I left to your home. I had no idea of this happening, this place they bring you.” His broken
English sounded so much like a trying song. His lips so carved perfectly as they separated when he spoke. His face not made in my part of the world. He spoke to me like he was a perfect lullaby.
“Why has it taken you so long to come get me?” I asked with my head down like a saddened child.
“I have been here and gone many times...they would not let me near you until better” His sepia eyes were searching my face for understanding as his hand cupped my chin so I would hold his attention.
“How long have I been here?” I whispered embarrassed by my position.
“Almost three months my darling” and he kissed the top of my dreadful dreads of hair. “Are you ready for home love?” he asked politely.
“What did the doctors say to you?” I really wanted to know this answer. For how much of my sickness has been revealed here, and to him? He must know about everything...even that. And still he stands here for me now...knowing 'that'. Panic in my throat for omissions of truth or admissions of lies...my mind whipped strands of thoughts and fears throughout my head. What all did he know about me here?And what did he know about my past....about me there? Cats are not the only creatures to slide in and out of suspicious rooms. The slinky caution to move like this animal has me running and slowing around this man. I am hyper aware of all humans sharing the same space, he is no different. Slowing my pace, I take my small bag of belongings and sit on the bed. Waiting for something, anything to correct this scene. My mixed headstones leave no room for inclusion of him. I continued my sit on the bed, legs crossed with one waving left, right, left, right in nervous anticipation. I counted each swing of movement back and forth. One, two, three, four, five, six. One, two, three, four, five, six. His words behind the counting somewhere. I put them all together for a song only I could hear.
A slight tap on the door and Dr. gentle brother peeks in as if expecting to find us caught in a love wrap.
“It is okay, come in” Tall dark one says to Dr. gentle brother. He motions the doctor with a foreign gesture of arm and hand. They shake hands like known college buddies. Even with the lean in whispers, I swore I saw the precarious football-jock-shoulder-bump. Their backs turned to me encourages thoughts of running from these two. I am thinking “who the hell do they think they are to judge me?” One, two, three, four, five, six. I am angered by this submission. Instead of them pulling up my strong woman in me, they have reduced my mind to a scorned child, one who has been caught stealing the proverbial candy bar from the grocery store. I have images of slicing giant X's across both their backs. They laugh and turn to me. I flinch to see faces of melting Satan. My head goes down fast. Counting again, one, two, three...
“So, are you ready to jump this ship for shore?” Dr. gentle beats in to my head. He looks at me as if he only knows me as a patient. He is pretending I am nothing more, or perhaps is actually saying it now. Perhaps he has felt this way all along and I am now seeing truths in his new behavior. What a piece of shit I say under my breath.
“Did you say something love?” from Tall dark one comes sympathy or only acknowledgment? I trust neither man. Yet, I stand to be noticed in my red saving shoes, I shuffle over towards the door and wait.
“Everything looks good to go” Dr. gentle says as he pats his right hand on Tall dark one's shoulder (I swear I saw them do the shoulder bump again). Dr. gentle brother walks towards me to which I am expecting a hug or any recognition of family connection. Instead, I feel a hand on my back, and a gentle push out of this room's door. “What a piece of shit” I say again under my breath. I see the black tar melting down my skull and throat in me. All this time, he was actually using me to comfort his own burdens. All this time, he was spying on me for other family chat-abouts. All this time, all this time...and now my guts are burning again. Motives. Humans and motives. The things they do and the way they act, any means to an end. A glorious end. I am not exempt to want this glorious end for myself. Dr. gentle brother waves again as he enters his office while we continue the walk to the front door. Tall dark one is staring at the other patients, smiling and waving like a politician marked for vote. He is the gentlemen to open the first and second doors for me, while carrying my little to go bag on his left shoulder. It is when his hand found my back and gave a little push, the fire ignites. Standing now on the top steps outside the glorious hospital painted all around with the flowers that hide the ill, I seize. He is still attempting his gesture to move me on. I cannot move. The sun's spotlight on me is for the scene I am about to play.
“Can you bring the car closer?” I smile and ask Tall dark one.
“Sure, no worry. You wait me” he answers in broken English.
“Of course, I only need a moment” I answer in sealed smile.
He hurries off to retrieve the car, and I hurry back into the hospital.
Straight to Doctor gentle's office. I don't slow my step, I don't look up, I just move like the cat in the strange room. I see his door and without a knock, I owned the door. Just as I intend to own this next act upon him. His back is to me playing Mr. Important in his luxurious Italian leather chair. He hears me and swings around in surprise.
“Oh, hi...did you forget something?” His voice somewhat recognizable as more my brother than a doctor. I am angry, no....I am 'Rage'. I want to peel that fucked up facial expression right off of him.
“Did you forget something?” I say in a high mocking voice resembling a sweet bully in a grade school pushing match. “Did you forget something”, I say again and again. I approach him in his personal space with a hand on each side of the chair, locking him in. I lean in and say in a whisper, letting him feel my spit as I say it “you are a true piece of shit now aren't you?”. My eyes are inches from his. I watch the fluttering lies crawl quietly from his lashes.
“what, what are you talking about?” he is showing his hand, and it is the jokers. “I don't understand where this is coming from, I don't know what you are referring too....” he is rambling on and on. I am red. I spin his chair around, and lean over his back now, pretending my arms around him like a hug.
“What, you weren't going to even hug your sister good-bye?” I say in sweet dishonesty. “You were just going to let me walk out of here without my loves from you?” I continue the sick acting. He sighs in relief. He too is good actor. I am still hugging his neck in repulsion.
“I didn't know if it was a good idea to do so, didn't know if you wanted your fiance to know who I was or what your position was on this...I didn't want to upset your comfort zone...” he is babbling again and I am seeing bubbles coming out of his mouth with his words. He has not even attempted a remote return affection.
“Shhhhhhhhhh, it is okay” I tell him in a final hug. “I only wanted to say thank you”. I kiss his cheek. My scene here is done. Almost.
LAY MYSELF DOWN by Mazzy Star
I wait on the hospital steps in the bright sunshine. I smile at the flowers begging for my notice thru smell. I give in and walk over to the brightest red flower on the bush closest by the steps. Ahhh, red. So beautiful of smell. Of sight. It is the color of life. It is the color of death. It is my color. I inhale this amazing red, as not to forget it rules me. Sweetly too. I hear the car horn, and look up with another woman's smile. I wave and give the 'give me a second' finger to Tall dark one waiting in the car. He honks again and again. I clip this flower to take as blood token of my conquering mind. I dance around all the other flower bushes, touching them with light grace of hand as I approach the car. He is still honking the horn and has taken to cussing at me. I lean in and stare at Tall dark one. His impatient face is mixing my state of being, swirling the red. My face is playing the smile as I hand him the beautiful red flower. He takes it and in indifference, throws it on the back seat and commands “GET IN!” I see his face melting before me once more, but I get into the car with joy of knowing his fate as well. Looking out the car window as we pull away, I begin to laugh. It starts small, but then grows to full belly. He is annoyed and I don't care. I run my hand down
my leg and into my socks to make certain I had returned the syringe to it's hidden place. I begin to wonder what heaven Doctor gentle has found himself in. If he too, is crossing bridges of nightmares now. With his head on his desk permanently quietened, is he dreaming of life? Tall dark angry one is attempting to watch the road and me at the same time. He is truly put off by my presence. His revealed temper and hostility is looking at me as if I am crazy. He should have known better.