by Vivien Vale
I don't want to hear excuses. I want to hear what can be done. I'm paying them enough for fuck's sake.
"I think that you should hold a press conference today and announce Hard Pressed's official position on the video," a guy named Jake says.
"A press conference? That's actually not a bad idea. I think we can arrange it for this afternoon," I say.
"That's a fabulous idea, Jake," Diana says. "What we have to do is really highlight how Hard Pressed is taking a different stance because the video was created out of spite by somebody unknown."
They don't know the full story. I told them that somebody framed Allie and pitched the video as being true.
"Okay, then it's been arranged. Tell me when the press conference starts and I'll be there"
The team leaves and I take the opportunity to call Allie and give her the good news.
"Allie, I'm really sorry that Hard Pressed published that video. I've taken it down and we're working to reorganize our stance on things. I think someone made it out of spite but we're gonna get this corrected," I say to her.
It's all lies, but at this point, I can't afford for her to find out. I'll lose her forever. How I'm gonna navigate through these treacherous waters of avoiding the truth, I don't know. But for now, I just have to keep my head above water.
"Oh my God, thank you, Xavier," she says so excitedly that it kind of breaks my heart. "That's a really great first step towards fixing this. If your company publicly comes out and renounces the video, then I might so have a shot at getting my life back."
"That's the idea, baby. That's the idea."
"So, when can I see you next?" she says.
My heart is torn into a million pieces. I don't know whether I should tell her the truth because the guilt is eating away at me or if I can continue as things are, pretending to be her knight in shining armor.
"First let me get to the press conference and then I'll get back to you and let you know where we stand, okay?"
"Okay, sounds great. I'll be watching you during your press conference. Thanks, Xavier, thanks again for doing this for me. I don't know where I'd be without you."
I can tell you where she'd be. She'd be a lot better off. If she never met me, her life would be going great right now. I feel terrible and the shame of my actions are eating me alive.
"No, Allie," I say to her in all honesty. "I'm not that good of a guy. You shouldn't rely on me too much."
"But Xavier, you've been the only one that's been there for me throughout this whole thing. I mean my friends have been great, but you're the only one that's taken a vested interest in trying to help me fix this."
"I feel responsible, baby," I say. Little does she know how very much I am responsible. "It's my company that published the stupid video. I just want all of this to go away for you."
"Me too," she says. "I'm never gonna forget this kindness."
Man, this girl is making me feel so much worse with every passing second. The more praise she lays on me, the worse I feel. I wish I could be the man that she thinks I am.
Unfortunately, I might've screwed that up forever. What the fuck was I thinking? I was already feeling bad about my actions when I thought she was in the wrong, but now that I know she was in the right, my disgrace is staggering.
I feel like I'm a dishonorable man and that Allie deserves so much better. At the same time, my possessive nature will never let me allow her to go. That's why it's so essential this press conference goes right.
"Okay, baby, it's time for me to go. I'll talk to you soon," I say.
Diana scoots me to the lobby downstairs. Everything’s laid out perfectly. The podium's there along with everything I need to make a statement. There's all kinds of press and media there, the usual scene.
I adjust my tie and walk confidently to the podium. I've never had to deliver a pack of lies like this to the entire media, but I will do anything to save my relationship with Allie.
I open by saying, "We at Hard Pressed have a vested interest in maintaining the highest level of standards and integrity. It has been brought to my attention that this vile video about STDs was made in the wrong. The model featured, Allie Baldwin, does not have an STD.
“And while we want to spread public health knowledge about diseases like that, to increase awareness of prevention, we would never want to misrepresent by portraying an innocent person as being affected. We’re taking down the video and reversing our stance on everything to do with it. Thank you."
The cameras are flashing like crazy and it's blinding. Reporters are screaming questions at me wanting to know more and why.
Diana takes over and fills them in on the rest of the details. I can't take a single more question. I feel so fucking deflated.
I take the back door and walk out onto the street. I need the air something to calm me down.
I walk past a group of guys and they're talking about the video, they're talking about Allie, saying that the whole conference was one big lie.
All I see is rage. I grab one of the guys and I just start punching him in the face.
I've come unleashed.
I leave him bleeding on the sidewalk and then I stalk away. I have to control this and yet I'm so out of control. I'm in love with Allie. I realize that now. So anyone who says a negative thing about her is my enemy.
Trying to contain this has become my obsession. Allie is my obsession. And yet the guilt and shame of having started all this is making feel crazy.
Should I tell her, or can I continue to hold my cards close? She will find out who I am at some point. That much is certain. What then?
29
Allie
Lindsay has come over and she's determined to drag me out of the house. There's nothing I want more than to stay in my bathrobe with a cup of tea and to try to forget the world.
It's looking like because of my bad reputation and subsequent lack of work, that there is limited time left for me in NYC. I can't afford to be here anymore. I'm going to have to go home to my parents and admit to them that I was wrong about making it big as a model.
I've resigned myself to my fate and to the fact that this means things with Xavier are probably over. I'm starting to really fall for him so it feels awful to think about having to leave. But what’s my other option?
The thing is, even being at home is gonna be rough. Especially without Xavier.
"Come on, Allie, just put on some clothes and let's get out of here. I've had enough of you moping around. You have to enter life again at some point."
"You understand that it's a torture for me to even leave this apartment, right?"
"Yeah, of course, I know. But the thing is you're never gonna get stronger if you keep hiding from what happened. Besides, with the press conference Xavier just did, it's all gonna be swept under the rug by tomorrow."
I reluctantly pull on a pair of jeans and say, "Yeah, that was pretty cool of him to do that for me."
She's picking out a top for me to wear. Lindsay feels totally at home going through all my clothes and everything in my apartment. She's the closest thing I've ever had to a sister.
"Well, he needed to do that for you. If he's so into you then it's the least he could do. It was his office that put the video out to begin with."
She's right, and a part of me does wonder why Xavier took so long to jump to action. Maybe he doesn't have the authority to take the video down. I don't know what the story is there, but it just reaffirms the nagging feeling that something is off with him.
I twist my hair up into a messy bun and pull on a jacket. I'm finally ready to go.
We hit the streets of NYC and I'm tempted to just go shopping and blow the rest of my money. I could use some retail therapy. And I'm seeing all the cute new fall items out in the store windows.
"You know I'm probably gonna have to leave right, Lindsay?" I say sadly.
"No, babe, we're not gonna let that happen. I'm sure that after today things are gonna start to turn around."
She seems optimistic but also like she really believes what she's saying. Maybe it can happen? Maybe my life could be fixed? But I doubt it.
"The thing is, I think I'm still tied to this contract with my agent, Harry. I don't see how I can get out of that. I haven't even talked to him since the video came out. I'm not sure what his motives were for putting me in it."
"Allie, if I had all the money in the world, I would hire you the best lawyer and free you from that contract. Then you can re-enroll with a proper modeling agency. That's what you really need."
"You're a great friend, Lindsay, truly. And if I have to go, I'm really gonna miss you."
"Stop, Allie! You have to think positively in order for things to work out."
We head into a little diner, the same one we always frequent together. I order the usual eggs, sausage, and coffee. And she orders her usual French toast.
"I really love coming here with you, Lindsay. Something about the atmosphere makes me feel like I'm at home."
She digs into her lunch.
"Yeah, well, we've been coming here for almost five years. And it’s still gonna be that way. I promise you, Allie, this mess will get sorted. I don't know how, but I'm sure it will. You're not gonna be a meme forever."
Easy for her to say.
I certainly hope she's right. At that moment I see the TV in the upper corner switch to the news and guess who's face flashes across it? Xavier's.
There he is at his press conference defending me. He makes a statement and is bold and it's powerful and I hope it does the trick.
"Oh my God, Allie, do you see that? His press conference," she says. "He's defending you."
I silently wonder how he has the authority to make a statement on behalf of the entire company. I mean, I know he's one of the big executives but I'm not sure how high up he goes. By the look of his penthouse, he must be very well employed.
I'm just grateful to see his face up on TV and I'm grateful to hear the words he says about the dangers of believing everything you see on the Internet. Hopefully now when anybody Googles me, this scene will also come up. My slate will be wiped clean. I can only hope.
I eat quickly and tell Lindsay, "I think I should go down to the office. I need to thank Xavier in person for what he did."
I finish my coffee and she finishes up too, and then we walk together outside into the bustling street.
"See you later." I hug her goodbye and then I walk towards Hard Pressed.
Once I get there, I ask the secretary to lead me to Xavier's office. She tells me it's at the very top floor, the penthouse.
Huh, that's weird.
His office is in the penthouse? How could that be? Where is the owner's office?
Things are not making sense but I really want to see him. I go to the elevator and press the button for the penthouse. It takes forever to get to the top floor but once I'm there the door opens directly to his office.
No one is in there, not even his executive assistant. I look around at all the fine modern finishes and wonder how he can afford all this.
This place is extremely luxurious. I look out at the city through the floor to ceiling windows and I admire the midday view. He's got it all going on up here. I decide that I'm just gonna wait for him. Hopefully, he'll be back soon.
I walk over to his desk, intending to take a seat at one of the leather chairs. But first I want to take a moment to peruse his special objects. He's got a number of expensive pieces of art hanging, including one by Pablo Picasso.
I run my finger over various picture frames showing him in Africa and on several other exotic trips. I see a photo of his mom and think that she looks familiar, like someone I knew way back when.
And then something strange catches my eye that's sitting on his desk. I hate to snoop, but the papers I see have the name of my modeling agency across them.
What is this? I peruse the paperwork and realize it's about the purchase and absorption of the modeling agency I work for. This looks like he was the one who bought my agency. He never mentioned that to me.
I flip through the papers and see a signature scratched at the bottom of the final one. It says, Stanley Xavier Armstrong.
What. The. Fuck?
Suddenly, all the pieces fall together in my mind. It all makes sense and the room starts to spin. Xavier is Stanley from my past. I repeat the words in my mind over and over.
Xavier is Stanley.
Why wouldn't he tell me? Why was he posing as somebody different? I just can’t wrap my head around it.
The fact that he bought my modeling agency and didn't tell me, well, that screams deception. And then I start to think about the fact that I'm standing in his penthouse office. I remember hearing about Stanley doing really well with a media company. This must be it. He must be the owner of this company.
That means he was behind the video. If he owns my modeling agency and Hard Pressed, then that means he was the one that put the video of me out there.
I think about the story I told him the other day. He asked me what I regretted most and I told him the story of Stanley, the boy that broke my heart.
He just sat there, allowing me to explain a past that he was a part of. Why would he not mention his involvement?
His motive for secrecy is unclear. I'm not sure what I ever did to him to deserve this deception. He’s the one who left me after all in high school. He abandoned me and broke my heart. I've never gotten over it.
And now I figure out that this great guy that I'm starting to fall for is Stanley himself?
What is he trying to do to me? Hurt me again? What have I ever done to him to merit that?
I know this almost have to do with what happened in high school. But I still just don't understand. I feel so betrayed, I can hardly stomach the thought of what's just happened.
But even worse than the sickness in my stomach is the wrenching ache in my chest. The two men I loved are actually one and the same. And this man betrayed me.
My heart thuds painfully. I’m no stranger to the feeling of a broken heart. Ironic that it’s the same man who’s done it twice now.
Then I’m suddenly angry. How could he?
I decide to stay exactly where I am and wait for him. I'm gonna confront him about all of this and he better tell me the truth this time. He needs to come clean once and for all.
30
Xavier
I walk back to my office in a fucked up state thinking of what I did to that guy on the street and thinking of what I did to Allie. Carrying this secret is eating me up inside. I feel like the worst kind of person and this is just not the guy I am. I'm better than this.
I stroll the offices of Hard Pressed and eventually make my way up to the penthouse. I don't know what I'll do when I get there. Will I call Allie and confess? Will I work on smoothing over her career? Likely both.
I feel confused and that's not a normal state for me. Normally I'm in control of every facet of my life. That level of control gives me a feeling of regularity and calm.
And yet here I am spinning out of control over a woman.
I sought to hurt her and I certainly accomplished that. But never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that now I'd be falling in love with her.
I do love Allie.
That's a truth I can no longer hide or run from. I have to face the truth of that at least. How I'm going to explain myself to her I still don’t know.
I'm still undecided as to whether I should tell her the truth or not. If I tell her, I will lose her. But if I don't, I'll be tormented by guilt for the rest of my life.
My despondency is at the forefront of my mind. I feel like a ball of thunder. I feel like the slightest provocation will make me lose my fucking grip on life. I feel so much rage and anger, and a lot of it is towards that girl Becky who screwed us both over.
I'm hopeful that the press conference today will do something to help Allie's career. But I still haven't seen her and I won't know anything until I do.
"Hey, Allie, what a pleasant surprise. Did you see the press conference?"
I walk towards her and see that she has an angry expression on her face. What could be wrong?
"How could you have done that to me, Stanley?"
Whoa wait.
Wait a fucking minute, she just called me Stanley.
That means she knows what's been going on.
"How did you find out?" I ask, unable to look her fully in the eyes.
"What do you mean how did I find out? That’s all you have to say? You've been deceiving me this entire time. I don't have to answer to you. But you do need to answer to me. What were you thinking, Stanley? Why did you try to destroy my career?"
I might as well come clean. There's no other recourse. I'm willing to accept my fate.
I approach her but she won't let me touch her. She pushes me away.
"Fine, Allie. Do you want to know? Think about the story you told me at the café the other day. Think about how you said Becky betrayed you. Well, guess what? She betrayed me too.
“After we slept together she told me that you had an STD and didn't tell me. How do you think that made me feel? I gave my virginity to you and after that, I thought you’d lied to me the entire time. That you’d been sleeping around. I loved you and it broke my heart."
She's looking at me and her anger dissolves into a knowing expression like it's all finally making sense to her.
"She said that to you?" she asks.
"Hell yes, she said that," I say. "She told me the wrong location for our first date, and then she told me you had an STD after we slept together. I was so pissed and hurt Allie. I thought I meant nothing to you. I didn't know what to do. So I left school.
“And then when I even thought about coming back to you, I went to the prom you were there with the quarterback. How do you think all of that made me feel? Like all my suspicions were correct. I've been harboring a grudge against you for years."