by Anthology
I remember huge spacefaring ships, ships that sail the starways with neither canvas nor masts, and for a moment I think that this must surely be a dream, and then I seem to find myself standing at a small window, gazing out at the stars as we rush by them, and I see the rocky surfaces and swirling colors of distant worlds, and then I am back in the castle, and I feel a tremendous sense of poignancy and loss, as if I know that even the dream will never visit me again.
I decide to concentrate, to force myself to remember, but no images come to me, and I begin to feel like a foolish old man. Why am I doing this, I wonder. It was a dream and not a memory, for everyone knows that the stars are nothing but lights that God uses to illuminate the night sky, and they are tacked onto a cloak of black velvet, and the moment I realize this, I can no longer even recall what the starfaring ships looked like, and I know that soon I will not even remember that I once dreamed of them.
I continued to wander the castle, touching familiar objects to reassure myself: this pillar was here yesterday, it will be here tomorrow, it is eternal, it will be here forever. I find comfort in the constancy of physical things, things that are not as ephemeral as my memories, things that cannot be ripped from the Earth as easily as my past has been ripped from me. I stop before the church and read a small plaque. It is written in French, and it says that This Church was something by Arthur, King of the Britains. The fourth word makes no sense to me, and this distresses me, because I have always been able to read the plaque before, and then I remember that tomorrow morning I will ask Sir Hector whether the word means built or constructed, and he will reply that it means dedicated, and I will know that for the rest of my life.
But now I feel a sense of panic, because I am not only losing images and memories, I am actually losing words, and I wonder if the day will come when people will speak to me and I will understand nothing of what they are saying and will merely stare at them in mute confusion, my eyes as large and gentle and devoid of intelligence as a cow's. I know that all I have lost so far is a single French word, but it distresses me, because in the future I will speak French fluently, as well as German, and Italian, and...and I know there is another language, I will be able to speak it and read it and write it, but suddenly it eludes me, and I realize that another ability, another memory, yet another integral piece of myself has fallen into the abyss, never to be retrieved.
I turn away from the plaque, and I go back to my quarters, looking neither right nor left for fear of seeing some building, some artifact that has no place in my memory, something that reeks of permanence and yet is unknown to me, and I find a scullery maid waiting for me. She is young and very pretty, and I will know her name tomorrow, will roll it around on my mouth and marvel at the melody it makes even coming forth from my old lips, but I look at her and the fact dawns upon me that I cannot recall who she is. I hope I have not slept with her -- I have a feeling that as I grow younger I will commit more than my share of indiscretions -- only because I do not wish to hurt her feelings, and there is no logical way to explain to her than I cannot remember her, that the ecstacies of last night and last week and last year are still unknown to me.
But she is not here as a lover, she has come as a supplicant, she had a child, a son, who is standing in the shadows behind my door, and now she summons him forth and he hobbles over to me. I look down at him, and I see that he is a clubfoot: his ankle is misshapen, his foot is turned inward, and he is very obviously ashamed of his deformity.
Can you help him, asks the scullery maid; can you make him run like other little boys? I will give you everything I have, anything you ask, if you can make him like the other children.
I look at the boy, and then at his mother, and then once more at the boy. He is so very young, he has seen nothing of the world, and I wish that I could do something to help him, but I no longer know what to do. There was a time when I knew, there will come a time when no child must limp through his life in pain and humiliation, I know this is so, I know that someday I will be able to cure far worse maladies than a clubfoot, at least I think I know this, but all that I know for sure is that the boy was born a cripple and will live a cripple and will die a cripple, and there is nothing I can do about it.
You are crying, Merlin, says the scullery maid. Does the sight of my child so offend you?
No, I say, it does not offend me.
Then why do you cry, she asks.
I cry because there is nothing else I can do but cry, I reply. I cry for the life your son will never know, and for the life that I have forgotten.
I do not understand, she says.
Nor do I, I answer.
Does this mean you will not help my son, she asks.
I do not know what it means. I see her face growing older and thinner and more bitter, so I know that she will visit me again and again, but I cannot see her son at all, and I do not know if I will help him, or if I do, exactly how I will help him. I close my eyes and concentrate, and try to remember the future. Is there a cure? Do men still limp on the Moon? Do old men still weep because they cannot help? I try, but it has slipped away again.
I must think about this problem, I say at last. Come back tomorrow, and perhaps I will have a solution.
You mean a spell, she asks eagerly.
Yes, a spell, I say.
She calls the child to her, and together they leave, and I realize that she will come back alone tonight, for I am sure, at least I am almost sure, that I will know her name tomorrow. It will be Marian, or Miranda, something beginning with an M, or possibly Elizabeth. But I think, I am really almost certain, that she will return, for her face is more real to me now than it was when she stood before me. Or is it that she has not stood before me yet? It gets more and more difficult to separate the events from the memories, and the memories from the dreams.
I concentrate on her face, this Marian or Miranda, and it is another face I see, a lovely face with pale blue eyes and high cheekbones, a strong jaw and long auburn hair. It meant something to me once, this face, I feel a sense of warmth and caring and loss when I see it, but I don't know why. I have an instinctive feeling that this face meant, will mean, more to me than any other, that it will bring me both happiness and sorrow beyond any that I've ever known. There is a name that goes with it, it is not Marion or Miriam (or is it?), I grasp futilely for it, and the more franticly I grasp the more rapidly it recedes.
Did I love her, the owner of this face? Will we bring joy and comfort to one another, will we produce sturdy, healthy children to comfort us in our old age? I don't know, because my old age has been spent, and hers is yet to come, and I have forgotten what she does not yet know.
I concentrate on the image of her face. How will we meet? What draws me to you? There must be a hundred little mannerisms, foibles as often as virtues, that will endear you to me. Why can I not remember a single one of them? How will you live, and how will you die? Will I be there to comfort you, and once you're lost, who will be there to comfort me? Is it better than I can no longer recall the answers to these questions?
I feel if I concentrate hard enough, things will come back to me. No face was ever so important to me, not even Arthur's, and so I block out all other thoughts and close my eyes and conjure up her face (yes, conjure; I am Merlin, am I not?) -- but now I am not so certain that it is her face. Was the jaw thus or so? Were her eyes really that pale, her hair that auburn? I am filled with doubt, and I imagine her with eyes that were a deeper blue, hair that was lighter and shorter, a more delicate nose -- and I realize that I have never seen this face before, that I was deluded by my self-doubts, that my memory has not failed me completely, and I attempt to paint her portrait on the canvas of my mind once again, but I cannot, the proportions are wrong, the colors are askew, and even so I cling to this approximation, for once I have lost it I have lost her forever. I concentrate on the eyes, making them larger, bluer, paler, and finally I am pleased with them, but now they are in a face that I no longer know, her true face as elusiv
e now as her name and her life.
I sit back on my chair and I sigh. I do not know how long I have been sitting here, trying to remember a face -- a woman's face, I think, but I am no longer sure -- when I hear a cough, and I look up and Arthur is standing before me.
We must talk, my old friend and mentor, he says, drawing up his own chair and seating himself on it.
Must we, I ask.
He nods his head firmly. The Round Table is coming apart, he says, his voice concerned. The kingdom is in disarray.
You must assert yourself and put it in order, I say, wondering what he is talking about.
It's not that easy, he says.
It never is, I say.
I need Lancelot, says Arthur. He is the best of them, and after you he is my closest friend and advisor. He thinks I don't know what he is doing, but I know, though I pretend not to.
What do you propose to do about it, I ask.
He turns to me, his eyes tortured. I don't know, he says. I love them both, I don't want to bring harm to them, but the important thing is not me or Lancelot or the queen, but the Round Table. I built it to last for all eternity, and it must survive.
Nothing lasts for eternity, I say.
Ideals do, he replies with conviction. There is Good and there is Evil, and those who believe in the Good must stand up and be counted.
Isn't that what you have done, I ask.
Yes, says Arthur, but until now the choice was an easy one. Now I do not know which road to take. If I stop feigning ignorance, then I must kill Lancelot and burn the queen at the stake, and this will surely destroy the Round Table. He pauses and looks at me. Tell me the truth, Merlin, he says, would Lancelot be a better king than I? I must know, for if it will save the Round Table, I will step aside and he can have it all -- the throne, the queen, Camelot. But I must be sure.
Who can say what the future holds, I reply.
You can, he says. At least, when I was a young man, you told me that you could.
Did I, I ask curiously. I must have been mistaken. The future is as unknowable as the past.
But everyone knows the past, he says. It is the future that men fear.
Men fear the unknown, wherever it may lie, I say.
I think that only cowards fear the unknown, says Arthur. When I was a young man and I was building the Table, I could not wait for the future to arrive. I used to awaken an hour before sunrise and lay there in my bed, trembling with excitement, eager to see what new triumphs each day would bring me. Suddenly he sighs and seems to age before my eyes. But I am not that man anymore, he continues after a thoughtful silence, and now I fear the future. I fear for Guenivere, and for Lancelot, and for the Round Table.
That is not what you fear, I say.
What do you mean, he asks.
You fear what all men fear, I say.
I do not understand you, says Arthur.
Yes, you do, I reply. And now you fear even to admit to your fears.
He takes a deep breath and stares unblinking into my eyes, for he is truly a brave and honorable man. All right, he says at last. I fear for me.
That is only natural, I say.
He shakes his head. It does not feel natural, Merlin, he says.
Oh, I say.
I have failed, Merlin, he continues. Everything is dissolving around me -- the Round Table and the reasons for it. I have lived the best life I could, but evidently I did not live it well enough. Now all that is left to me is my death -- he pauses uncomfortably -- and I fear that I will die no better than I have lived.
My heart goes out to him, this young man that I do not know but will know someday, and I lay a reassuring hand on his shoulder.
I am a king, he continues, and if a king does nothing else, he must die well and nobly.
You will die well, my lord, I say.
Will I, he asks uncertainly. Will I die in battle, fighting for what I believe when all others have left my side -- or will I die a feeble old man, drooling, incontinent, no longer even aware of my surroundings?
I decide to try once more to look into the future, to put his mind at ease. I close my eyes and I peer ahead, and I see not a mindless babbling old man, but a mindless mewling baby, and that baby is myself.
Arthur tries to look ahead to the future he fears, and I, traveling in the opposite direction, look ahead to the future I fear, and I realize that there is no difference, that this is the humiliating state in which man both enters and leaves the world, and that he had better learn to cherish the time in between, for it is all that he has.
I tell Arthur again that he shall die the death he wants, and finally he leaves, and I am alone with my thoughts. I hope I can face my fate with the same courage that Arthur will face his, but I doubt that I can, for Arthur can only guess at his while I can see mine with frightening clarity. I try to remember how Arthur's life actually does end, but it is gone, dissipated in the mists of Time, and I realize that there are very few pieces of myself left to lose before I become that crying, mindless baby, a creature of nothing but appetites and fears. It is not the end that disturbs me, but the knowledge of the end, the terrible awareness of it happening to me while I watch helpless, almost an observer at the disintegration of whatever it is that has made me Merlin.
A young man walks by my door and waves to me. I cannot recall ever seeing him before.
Sir Pellinore stops to thank me. For what? I don't remember.
It is almost dark. I am expecting someone, I think it is a woman, I can almost picture her face. I think I should tidy up the bedroom before she arrives, and I suddenly realize that I don't remember where the bedroom is. I must write this down while I still possess the gift of literacy.
Everything is slipping away, drifting on the wind.
Please, somebody, help me.
I'm frightened.
IN THE LATE CRETACEOUS
Connie Willis
It was in the late cretaceous that predators reached their full flowering,” Dr. Othniel said. “Of course, carnivorous dinosaurs were present from the Middle Triassic on, but it was in the Late Cretaceous, with the arrival of theAlbertosaurus, theCoelophysis, theVelociraptor, theDeinonychus, and of course, theTyrannosaurus Rex, that the predatory dinosaur reached its full strength, speed, and sophistication.”
Dr. Othniel wrote, “LATE CRETACEOUS—PREDATORS” on the board. He suffered from arthritis and a tendency to stoop, and the combination made him write only on the lower third of the chalkboard. He wrote, “ALBERTOSAURUS, COELOPHYSIS, VELOCIRAPTOR, DEINONYCHUS, TYRANNOSAURUS REX,” in a column under “LATE CRETACEOUS—PREDATORS,” which put “TYRANNOSAURUSREX” just above the chalk tray.
“Of all these,” Dr. Othniel said, “Tyrannosaurus Rexis the most famous, and deservedly so.”
Dr. Othniel’s students wrote in their notebooks, “#1 LC. predator TRX” or “no predators in the Late Cretaceous” or “I have a new roommate. Her name is Traci. Signed, Deanna.” One of them composed a lengthy letter protesting the unfairness of his parking tickets.
“This flowering of the predators was partly due to the unprecedented abundance of prey. Herbivores such as theTriceratops, theChasmosaurus, and the duckbilled hadrosaur roamed the continents in enormous herds.”
He wrote “PREY—HADROSAURS” under “TYRANOSAURUS REX.” He had to move an eraser so he could write “HOLLOW BONEY CREST” under that. His students wrote, “Pray—duck-billed platypus,” and “My new roommate Traci has an absolutely WOW boyfriend named Todd,” and “If you think I’m going to pay this ticket, you’re crazy!”
“The hadrosaurs were easy prey. They had no horns or bony frills like theTriceratops, ” he said. “They did, however, have large bony crests which may have been used to trumpet warnings to each other or to hear or smell the presence of predators. He finished squeezing “HOLLOW BONY CREST” in under “hadrosaurs” and raised his head, as if he had heard something.
One of his sophomores, who was writing “I don’t even have a car,” glanced tow
ard the door, but there wasn’t anyone there.
He straightened, vertebra by vertebra, until the top of his bald head was nearly even with the top of the blackboard. He lifted his chin, as if he were sniffing the air, and then bent over again, frowning. “Warnings, however, were not enough against the fifty-foot tallTyrannosaurus Rex, with his five-foot-long jaws and seven-inch-long teeth,” he said. He wroteJAWS —5FT,TEETH —7IN ” down among the erasers.
His students wrote, “The Parking Authority is run by a bunch of Nazis” and “Deanna + Todd” and “TRX has five feet.”
After her Advanced Antecedents class, Dr. Sarah Wright collected her mail and took it to her office. There was a manila envelope from the State Department of Education, a letter from the Campus Parking Authority marked “Third Notice: Pay Your Outstanding Tickets Immediately” and a formal-looking square envelope from the dean’s office, none of which she wanted to open.
She had no outstanding parking tickets, the legislature was going to cut state funding of universities by another eighteen percent, and the letter from the dean was probably notifying her that the entire amount was going to come out of Paleontology’s hide.
There was also a stapled brochure from a flight school she had written to during spring break after she had graded one hundred forty-three papers, none of which had gotten off the ground. The brochure had an eagle, some clouds, and the header, “Do you ever just want to get away from it all?”
She pried the staple free and opened it. “Do you ever get sick of your job and want to get away?” it read. “Do you ever feel like you just want to bag everything and do something really neat instead?”
It went on in this vein—which reminded her of her students’ papers—for several illustrated paragraphs before it got down to hard facts, which were that the Lindbergh Flight Academy charged three thousand dollars for their course, “including private, commercial, instrument, CFI, CFII, written tests, and flight tests. Lodging extra. Not responsible for injuries, fatalities, or other accidents.”