Carrying Hope

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by Tate, Sennah


  Love,

  Marcie

  I tried to keep my tears from falling, but a few escaped, smudging the ink as they did. I wiped them away, smearing the ink even more in the process. I didn’t want it to end like this. I didn’t want it to end at all. But the choice had been made for me. I folded each piece of paper and labeled them for their respective recipients and laid them on the vanity where they were sure to be found.

  I wondered who would find the notes first? Clara and Francis would be back sometime in the morning, maybe they would discover I was missing before Bryce did. I didn’t expect him to come looking for me or anything. He’d gotten what he wanted. He probably would prefer that I slept in my own room.

  Taking a deep breath, I pulled out my phone again and replied to Kevin.

  Okay, we’ll talk.

  I stuffed a few essentials into a bag and took one last long look around my room. For the past five months, this had been my home. These people were my family. I hated that I was leaving them. I hated that I couldn’t face Bryce and hear the dreaded words fall from his lips. I just couldn’t handle another crushing blow like that. As much as I wanted to hear his explanation, I didn’t have any faith that it would be an explanation that would comfort me.

  No, my brief encounter with Bryce’s way of life had come to an end. There was no need for me to dream that things could have turned out differently; that’s just not how things worked out in my life. I always knew that this whole experience was too good to be true. I’d known it from the first day when Bryce asked me to stay with him in his home. I knew that eventually it would have to come to an end. I only wished that I’d had the forethought to keep myself emotionally distanced from Bryce. Maybe that would have saved me from this ache inside me.

  Feeling far braver than I had any right to, I tip-toed past Bryce’s room and peered in on my way to the stairs, wanting one last look at him before I left his life forever. I don’t know what I thought it would accomplish. Maybe I just really liked torturing myself. Maybe I hoped that he would be awake and we could talk about things before I left. But if I really wanted to talk things out, I wouldn’t be leaving in secret while he slept. He was still, his back rising and falling steadily with his soft snores. I could feel my heart shattering; the jagged shards stabbed me with the happy memories I had of this gorgeous man. If we’d met at a different time, under different circumstances, maybe things could have worked.

  I really thought things were working. The bond we had felt unshakable to me. It felt like we were truly fated for one another and that was something I didn’t take lightly. But obviously, I was the only one that felt that way. Bryce thought we were “playing a game”. He didn’t realize what a sore loser I was.

  I closed his door soundlessly and made my way down the stairs. I was even more thankful now that I’d given the staff the night off. If anyone else was around, I would have to dodge questions or interventions. I didn’t want anyone to stop me. Bryce backed me into a corner and my only option was to flee.

  Could I really do this? Could I really leave behind the man I loved, the friends I’d made and the life I was beginning to dream about? The bag in my hand weighed a ton. A small part of me wanted to drop it, run up the stairs, and ask Bryce exactly what he meant by the words that I heard.

  Another, more rational part of me, told me that whatever he said wouldn’t make me feel any better and wouldn’t make this any easier. I rested a hand on my ever-growing belly, reminding myself that I had to do what was best for my child. It was time to set aside my girlish dreams and childish fantasies of happily ever afters. This was the real world; this was my life. I had face the facts and deal with things as they were, not as I wished they would be.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, as I walked out of the front door and called myself a taxi.

  Chapter 26

  I woke up hours later to find that my bed was still unoccupied and the space next to me was cold. I frowned, having expected Marcie to rejoin me in bed, I’d drifted off to sleep without waiting for her to return. Her sweet floral scent still infused the pillow where she’d slept. I couldn’t help the self-satisfied smile that spread across my face when I remembered her expression of ecstasy, her moans of pleasure, her delightful little tremors as wave after wave of bliss crashed through her. It filled me with an age-old feeling of male pride; she was mine now. And before the end of the day, I would make it official.

  I needed to get everything prepared; I wanted to make this proposal magical and unforgettable. I wanted to make it impossible for her to say no.

  I almost didn’t want to dream about the day that Marcie would become my wife. It seemed too good to be true. Surely, no one as beautiful and loving and kind as Marcie could ever want someone as broken as me. I knew I was the luckiest son of a bitch in the world for even getting to think about having her. To be lucky enough to have her heart on top of it all was only icing on the cake. I was going to make sure that Marcie knew how much I loved her and never ever doubted it for as long as we both lived. She deserved everything in the world and I was going to be the one to give it to her.

  Something in the back of my brain told me that I should be worried that she wasn’t in bed with me. I pushed that away. She was probably making breakfast or showering or something innocent. There was no reason for me to worry. But still, I couldn’t remember her ever coming back to bed and a kernel of doubt formed in my head.

  With a big yawn and an even bigger stretch, I pulled myself out of bed and went off to find her, determined to kiss her senseless and then drag her back into my bed for a repeat of the previous night.

  I searched all of the usual spots; the kitchen, the den, the garden and finally her bedroom. I looked everywhere for her, but didn’t see her anywhere. Every new room I looked in, my heart sank a little further. But there had to be an explanation right? Maybe she went into town to get something we needed. Maybe she was busy working on another surprise for me. It seemed plausible to me. When I got to her room, something felt off about it. I couldn’t quite place my finger on the problem, but something was definitely not right. Without Marcie’s sunny presence, nothing in the house felt right.

  I ventured further into her room and then I spotted the three letters on her desk. My heart fell through the floor and I rushed to pick up the letter with my name on it, a feeling of dread settling in the pit of my stomach.

  My hands shook uncontrollably as I unfolded the paper with her neat flowing handwriting. In my head I pleaded with whatever cosmic entity was out there. Whether it be a deity, an alien overlord, or just empty space I was talking to. I begged and pleaded that my worst fears weren’t going to be realized when I read this letter.

  I knew before I even started to read it though. I knew she left me. I didn’t know why; I couldn’t imagine why, but I knew deep down inside of me that it had been too good to last.

  As I read through her note, searching for an answer, a crippling emptiness flooded me. She was gone. I knew that I could never be worthy of someone as perfect as Marcie. I could never do enough good things in my life to deserve the warm-hearted angel that saved me that in that dark alley. I should have known better than to think that something so wonderful could happen to me. Throughout my entire life, the people I cared about were just ripped away from me. If nothing else, experience should have told me that this glorious time with Marcie couldn’t last.

  I dropped the tear-stained letter to the floor, my emotions warring between crushing despair and white-hot fury. What did I do that made her want to leave? She left no clues in her letter other than wanting her baby to have a father. Why couldn’t I have been that father? I would have gladly accepted Marcie as my wife and her child as my own. Hell, I’d already contacted my decorator about designing a nursery as a surprise for Marcie. Now what was I supposed to do? With no Marcie and no baby, my future looked bleak and meaningless.

  My mind raced with poorly thought-out plans of tracking her down and convincing her that she belonged with m
e. I didn’t even know where she’d gone. I was no good at finding people, that was Tanner’s specialty.

  I had to ask Tanner for his help. I dreaded hearing the snide satisfaction in his tone that would clearly say “I told you so” more than any words he would utter. He tried to warn me against Marcie and I didn’t listen. Now I was left alone, heart-broken and destroyed. But I wasn’t going to let that last.

  I couldn’t just sit by and let her destroy the wonderful thing that we had together. She couldn’t deny our connection, our chemistry, or our passion. I didn’t know what had made her change her mind about us, but I was going to change it back.

  I dialed his number, trying to push back the wave of nausea that flooded through me.

  “What are you calling me for, shouldn’t you be banging your lady?” Tanner answered.

  He didn’t know any better. He didn’t know that his words were like a knife straight to my heart. I hoped that my voice wouldn’t break when I spoke.

  “She’s gone.” The sound that came from my mouth was not my voice. It was strangled, too-calm, and detached. I could almost picture Tanner’s facial reaction. I could see his wide smile falling from his face, the dimples in his cheeks disappearing and his amber eyes turning dark.

  “What?” He asked, startled. Whatever he thought I was calling for, this was the last thing he expected.

  I left Marcie’s room, unable to share the same space that she’d occupied for so many months. Everything in that room reminded me of her. It smelled like Marcie and her small homey touches were everywhere. I closed the door behind me and locked it. There was no way I could ever go in there again. Not until Marcie was back in my arms.

  I fought back my tears, refusing to give in to my despair.

  “She’s gone, Tan. She left me.”

  I needed to hurt someone or break something. I needed an outlet for all of the pain that was overwhelming me. I was still in shock, still unable to believe that I could go from blissfully happy to completely destroyed in the blink of an eye.

  “Don’t do anything! I’ll be right there.”

  He hung up the call before I was able to tell him not to bother. I didn’t really want to deal with Tanner — or anyone else for that matter — right now. I just wanted to find a way to bring Marcie back. To mend whatever was broken and to start our lives together the way I envisioned.

  My feet carried me to my office without instructions from my brain. The next thing I knew, the bottle of scotch was in my hand and I was looking around for a glass. Not finding any, I resigned myself to swigging the dastardly liquid straight from the bottle. It burned a blazing path to my stomach, but it didn’t even really register.

  My head was filled with only one word, playing over and over again — why?

  Why did she leave me? Why did she go back to her ex? Why didn’t she tell me sooner that this was her intention? Why did I let myself get so attached to her when I knew that it could never last? Why, why, why.

  I don’t know how much time passed between Tanner hanging up the phone and him arriving at my home. My guess would be that it wasn’t enough time; he had a tendency to drive like I did. He found me sitting on the floor of my office, drunk out of my mind and drowning in my own tears.

  “Jesus. Do you have any idea what time it is?” He barked at me.

  “Who cares about time? Time doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.”

  He took the letter from my desk and read it quickly.

  “Shit, man. I’m sorry,” he finally said with a frown.

  “We have to find her. I’ll drag her back here if I have to,” I replied, slurring my words.

  “I’m sure you will, buddy,” he said, patronizing me.

  “Why don’t we get you to bed?” He grabbed me by the arm and helped to get me off of the ground.

  I wobbled and leaned on him as he led me to my bedroom.

  “No!” I roared, nearing the door. I started kicking and hitting anything in my reach, including my best friend.

  It wasn’t difficult for him to restrain me. I was heavily intoxicated and my heart wasn’t really in it.

  “My bed smells like her,” I sobbed, falling to the floor again.

  He ran a hand over his head, not really sure what to do with me at this point.

  “All right. I’m going to call Clara and Francis back. They’ll take care of you and I’ll track down Marcie, okay?”

  “Marcie!” I yelled, hoping that I would see her bright smile or hear her melodic giggle.

  “Marcie,” I repeated, defeated and broken again.

  “Yeah, I know it hurts, buddy.” He already had his cell phone to his ear. I didn’t pay attention to what he was saying. I knew he was telling everyone what a wreck I was.

  Under normal circumstances, I would try to hide my inner turmoil. This was impossible to hide.

  For the next few days, Clara and Francis hovered over me constantly. I wasn’t able to go anywhere without supervision. Everyone seemed to think I’d gone off the deep end. They were worried about me, angry at Marcie, confused about the whole situation, and at a loss for how to make it better.

  Tanner called me multiple times a day to keep me updated on his search for Marcie. I wished that I knew more about her life before she met me. I didn’t know where she worked, where she lived, or anything that would really help me locate her, other than her name.

  A full week after Marcie’s departure, Tanner called me with the news I’d been waiting to hear.

  “I found her place. I’m texting you the address now.”

  For the first time since she’d left, I felt energized, awake, and alive. I could see her! I could talk to her, tell her how I felt about her, explain everything and win her back. It was all going to be okay.

  I took a fast shower and shaved the weeks’ worth of growth from my face. I needed to look my best for Marcie. I didn’t want her to have any doubts that I was the one she should be with. I tucked the small ring box into my pocket. I didn’t know if I was going to propose to her today, but I wanted to be prepared if the moment was right.

  Racing through the back country roads that led into town, I couldn’t help but picture a thousand different happy reunion scenarios for Marcie and I. I imagined her throwing her arms around me, telling me how sorry she was for leaving. Her soft lips on mine, her delectable curves pressed against my body and her gentle hands roving my skin. I couldn’t stop thinking of the huge smile I expected to see on her face when I showed up. It was only in my imagination, and her smile was still infectious. I found myself filled with more optimism and hope than I’d felt since the night Marcie left.

  Every time a dissenting voice sprang up to remind me that she may not want me anymore, I squashed it. If she wanted to reconcile with me, she knew where I lived and she hadn’t done it. But I smashed that thought, too. Nothing was going to get in my way.

  The car rolled to a stop in front of Marcie’s apartment and I was struck by just how derelict her home was. She told me plenty of times that she didn’t come from much, but I never imagined this. But this wasn’t her home. This was where she was staying. Her home was with me. Now I only had to make her see that.

  Taking a deep breath, I stepped out of my car and approached her front door. My hand hesitated for a moment before I finally knocked.

  I was beginning to think that no one was going to answer the door when it swung open on its hinges. My heart stopped; this was it!

  Only, it wasn’t Marcie that answered the door. It was a handsome, yet scruffy-looking young man. Was this her ex? My blood boiled, but I had to maintain my composure.

  “Yeah?” He asked, not really looking at me. He seemed more interested with whatever was happening on TV.

  “Hello, I was wondering if I could speak with Marcie?” I tried to stay polite. There was no reason to make an enemy unnecessarily.

  That got his attention at least. He narrowed his eyes at me and sucked his teeth casually.

  “She’s not here. What’s this ab
out?”

  “Do you know when she’ll be home, or where I can find her?”

  He frowned and I could see the wheels slowly beginning to turn in his Neanderthal brain.

  “You’re that guy, aren’t you?” He laughed, glancing back to his television again before returning his attention to me.

  “Look, Marce isn’t interested. She’s having my baby. We’re back together and there’s no room for you, Richie Rich.”

  My hands clenched into fists at my side, but I forced them to relax. Was this Marcie’s way of telling me she meant it? Did she not want to face me herself?

  “I just want to talk to her for a minute,” I replied, hoping he’d take pity on me.

  “Like I said. Not interested. If you really care about Marcie, you’ll stay away from her. She has her family now and none of us need or want you around.”

  So that was it. It was over. I walked back to my car with my head hung low. I couldn’t believe that after everything we’d been through, she was just going to throw it all away.

  Chapter 27

  In the six weeks since I left Bryce, my life had settled back into a relatively normal routine. Kevin and I were living together again, but we were absolutely not a couple. I made that very clear to him from day one. I would let him be a part of our baby’s life, but I was not going to give him to opportunity to hurt me again. We were more like roommates now, though he definitely still thought he could take advantage of me now and then.

  I’d talked Sal into giving me my old job at the diner back. People were much more generous with tips now that this baby was nearly bursting out of me. I guess they felt guilty that a pregnant woman was waiting on them. Whatever the case, it worked in my favor financially.

 

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