by JJ King
Confusion and sharp panic raged to life in my veins. I looked at each of them, so gorgeous, so much more than someone like me deserved, and gasped to get enough oxygen into my lungs.
The inexplicable connection between us that drew us together like moths to the flame would be scrutinized when others found out. Our kind embraced their sexuality, so group sex wasn’t exactly uncommon but, no matter how I looked at it, I couldn’t see us as a casual group sex situation. There was more here, more than I was ready to understand or embrace. The feeling of restriction on my lungs increased, making me feel lightheaded.
The three of them whined and bumped up against me, worry written in their beautiful eyes, but the calm that had descended on me with their arrival was nowhere to be found. I backed away, shaking my head and hoping they would understand, then tore away into the forest.
They didn’t follow, which both eased the pressure on my lungs and increased the anxiety churning in my stomach. I headed further north, needing to test the limits, needing to put distance between us, even though it was the last thing my heart wanted.
As I ran, the sound of an oddly familiar howl that I just couldn’t place pierced the night sky, sending shivers along my spine that resurrected a feeling of dread I thought I’d put to bed long ago.
Chapter 12
I sliced through the pool, pushing myself, enjoying the simple pleasure of a good swim after a night of running.
My body felt loose, better than it had in a while. Even my shoulder muscles, which had been perpetually tight since I'd started classes, were relaxed. I wasn't sure why, seeing as my life was anything but settled and easy at the moment. Not that it had ever been easy but, at least, I'd understood it before.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that I was connecting with three separate guys. The fact that all three were best friends made the situation even more unbelievable. What were the chances that they would be drawn together as friends who were more than friends, as brothers, all of whom were deeply attracted to the same girl?
What was so special about me?
I'd spent my entire life being tested and prodded by an insanely intelligent man, who'd spent his entire life looking for one girl. If there had been anything special about me, he would have noticed. So, how was this happening?
I dove, twisted, and pushed off the wall of the pool in one sinuous motion. It gave me great pleasure to do something that I’d only dreamt of as a child. There had been no swimming pool in the mountain fortress where Raphael had kept me and my sisters captive. There had been two at Rose and Liam's home in Ireland, however, so I'd taught myself how to swim and had fallen in love with the serenity that lived just beneath the surface.
My worries slipped away as I swam the length of the pool, again and again, living in the moment. When I mentally ticked off my twentieth lap, I pulled up to the edge of the pool, slicking my hair back from my face, and caught sight of Dimitri lounging in a recliner on the deck.
He was watching me, his dark eyes and serious face so intent that my stomach fluttered. As always with him, annoyance flared, coupled with that indescribable lure that drew me to him, like a moth to a destructive flame.
I turned my back to him, giving myself the time and space to prepare for whatever confrontation had brought Dimitri to me today. It had felt right when he'd joined me and the others last night out in the forest, but I hadn't forgotten the way he'd acted towards me and Chase at the party. He'd been vicious, and thoughtless, and possessive. I didn't know what to think of it, especially since he ran so hot and cold. I wished I had the power to turn away from him and ignore his dark moods, but the draw was too strong. I could fight with him or fight myself in an effort to stay away from him. I would lose that last battle. I just wished I understood how I knew that.
"You know, it's considered rude to spy on people," I said casually, reaching for the towel I'd left by the side of the pool. I ran it over my arms and torso, then bent to dry off my legs, ignoring the heat of his gaze on my body.
"It's only spying if you don't want to be seen," Dimitri replied with a quirk of his dark eyebrows.
I glared at him, only mildly amused by his retort. "What do you want, Dimitri?"
I wrung the water out of my hair, then wrapped the towel around my waist.
He didn't answer right away, so I prepared for something snarky or something deep. Either way, I couldn't take my eyes off his lower lip as he chewed on it before speaking.
"I wanted to talk about what happened the other night at the party." He exhaled and lifted his gaze to meet mine. In their dark, endless depths, I saw hesitation and guilt that made the words I'd been about to say dry on my lips.
There was nothing flippant about him now, none of the cockiness I associated with him. The annoyance that had flared up on first seeing him faded and I took a moment to just look at him without any preconceived notions.
He looked nervous and uncertain, two things I'd never seen in him before. But, I reminded myself, I didn't really know him, did I? We'd only met a week ago and every single one of our interactions had been colored by high emotions. The truth was, I didn't know any of them.
The realization rocked me.
I took the seat next to his and fidgeted with the edge of my towel, giving us both time to think before speaking.
"I was a bit of a dick," he muttered, glancing down at his shoes.
I pursed my lips. I'd been waiting for some kind of personal revelation, some deep discussion that would elevate our relationship to the next level so that I didn't have to be so confused about my attraction to him. Instead, I'd gotten a confession that he'd been "a bit of a dick."
Struggling to stay open to the conversation, I asked, "Why, though?"
He glanced up, looking surprised that I'd asked. He didn't know much about women, obviously, if he hadn't expected me to ask. "Why what?"
The annoyance returned and it took all my strength not to roll my eyes so hard that I'd see my brain.
"Why did you act like a dick?"
I broke it down for him. Seriously, why did he even seek me out to apologize, which, technically, he hadn't yet, if he didn't know why he'd acted like an idiot?
Men.
He stared at me as if I'd asked the stupidest question in existence, lifted his hands, and let them fall. "I don't know. I got mad."
I bit back a sigh. "And do you often get mad at Chase for making out with a girl?"
Dimitri scoffed. "If I did, I’d be mad all the time."
With the patience of a saint, I prompted him further. "Then why did you get mad at him for being with me?" I tapped a finger on my lips, thoughtfully. "I mean, it's not like you asked me to the party or anywhere else."
I dropped my fingers and smiled brightly, wondering how the hell he could be so dense.
His eyebrows furrowed, giving him that dark, menacing look that made my thighs clench. He opened and closed his mouth several times, drawing my gaze to those full, strong lips, then made a dismissive sound.
"You don't even know him," Dimitri finally said, glaring at me in challenge. "You don't know anything about him. He could be a serial killer, or a thief, or a—"
"Sexy playboy who just happens to be one of your best friends?" I asked, finally letting my patience crumble. "Honestly, I have no idea how he still claims you as a friend after the shit you pulled. I know guys are aggressive and all that, but that was fucking ridiculous."
I rose to my feet.
Dimitri popped up and faced me, his shoulders squaring off as if ready for a fight.
I shook my head. "What are you going to do? Hit me, too?"
I tilted my chin up to look him straight in the eyes, then turned and walked away.
His hand shot out and grabbed my arm, drawing me to a halt. I whirled around, acting on instinct, and brought my hand up so fast he barely had time to blink.
My palm cracked against his cheek, splitting the air like thunder. The few other students milling aro
und looked over with sounds of interest or shock that barely registered.
He closed his fingers over my wrist and pulled my hand away from his face, where the imprint of my hand clutched his skin. With a low growl, he yanked me forward so that our bodies were pressed against each other and he was hovering directly over me, glaring down so close that our lips were just inches apart.
My breath waivered and the sound of it pissed me off. I yanked my arm back down and bared my teeth at him.
"Back off, Dimitri," I growled, leaning even closer into him. "And for Old Ones' sake, make up your fucking mind. Chase went for what he wanted. Be man enough to do the same."
I squeezed my fists at my side and clenched every muscle in my body to stop myself from shoving him.
He stared at me for so long that it felt as if he were trying to see past my anger, straight down to my soul. It made me shiver.
His gaze flicked from my eyes to my mouth, almost too quick to notice. For a second, I thought he would finally make his move, stop the games, and kiss me. I forced myself not to surge forward and take what I wanted.
He pulled back and glanced away, shattering the moment and my hope. Before I could think straight, he turned on his heel and strode away, spine stiff and head held high. I watched him go and wished I could either understand what was holding him back or walk away from him completely.
I held it together, my stomach churning painfully, my legs weak with regret and stubborn pride, until he disappeared around the corner, then I ran as fast as I could to the ladies’ room and threw up my breakfast.
Chapter 13
For the rest of the weekend and all of Monday, I kept my head down and my emotions tight to my chest, managing to avoid all three of the men who were currently driving me crazy, even though it made my heart and stomachache. Nightmares plagued my nights and left me exhausted and a little off balance.
I ran my fingers through my hair and pinched my cheeks, hoping it would bring a bit of color to the paleness that plagued me as Emily settled into her seat in class.
"Holy crap, Lexi!" she hissed, looking at me with bright eyes.
I raised my eyebrows, waiting for her to explain, and slid into my seat.
"Seriously?" She laughed. "You're the talk of campus. That scene at the party between Chase and Dimitri—"
She trailed off, waving her hand in the air as if to prompt my memory.
There was no need to prompt anything. Fresh heat surged to my face. I didn't want to talk about that here, or anywhere. I thanked the Old Ones silently, when Dr. Daniels strode into the room and took a seat at the head of the table.
Still, Emily was my friend. If I’d learned anything from chick flicks, it was that girlfriends shared.
So, I leaned closer, keeping my voice low. "Not now. Maybe over coffee after class?"
"Sounds good," Emily said, grinning widely just as Dr. Daniels cleared his throat.
"After the dreariness of Nietzsche and Kant last week, I'm sure you're all eager to move onto this week's topic." His eyes lit up from his enjoyment. "The soul mate bond is at the very foundation of our existence as wolves. In nature, wolves mate for life, which is echoed in the very real bond that is created between mates.”
I'd snapped to attention the moment he'd mentioned soul mates. I'd been spending entirely too much time researching the subject and reading every peer-reviewed article I could find on the university’s library link and the Wolf Net. Mostly, the research was identical, focusing solely upon the male/female, male/male, and female/female bonds that have been documented and studied over time. No matter how hard I'd looked, I hadn’t come across so much as a footnote about a wolf having multiple mates.
“Chemically speaking, the mate bond suffuses the brain with dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins, but on a much higher and more sustainable level than is seen in humans and wolves in love.” He took a sip from his large coffee on his desk before continuing. “Some argue that wolves don’t fall in love, not in the way humans do, because no matter how much we love someone, once we find our mates, that bond is always stronger.”
A blond-haired girl leaned forward, raising her hand to grab Dr. Daniels’ attention before asking, “So, does that mean that a wolf will lose their intense feelings of love for one partner if they meet their mate?”
“Good question,” Dr. Daniels said with a nod of approval. “The case studies you’ll be reading this week show examples of just that. Men and women deep in the thrall of new love who’ve reported a shift in behavior and emotions the moment they bonded with their mates. Of course, the bonding of two mates is a very personal and varied process. Mates can meet and bond instantly, like that fabled ‘love at first sight,’ poets write about so often. Others can know each other for longer and never suspect they’ll one day bond. Most, however, know fairly quickly once they find their other half.”
“Doesn’t that strip us of our free will?” the blond girl asked.
Dr. Daniels arched an eyebrow. “That’s the big question, isn’t it? If we don’t have a choice in who we’re bonded to, can we really love them, or is it just fate?” He reached across the table and tapped a finger to a thick book. “That’s why the case studies you’ll be reading next week, will deal with rejected mate bonds and the psychological repercussions of that rejection.”
“Are you bonded, Dr. Daniels?” Emily asked, smiling broadly at our professor.
He grinned and held up a hand where a gold band glittered. “I met him and knew almost instantly that we were mates. The bond, however, took weeks to appear.”
A guy whose sense of style was more haute couture than academy prep, raised a hand. “What does it feel like? The bond? Did it snap into place like a rubber band and your world shifted, or was it slow and steady?”
He sighed dreamily. I grinned, loving the drama, and wished I could master a winged eyeliner half as well as he could.
“Well, Josh.” Dr Daniels rubbed a hand over his chin. “It’s different for everyone, like I said. For me, it was a quick build. I saw him, I was drawn to him, and, within a few weeks, I knew life without him would be inconceivable.”
He arched a brow and continued. “For him, however, it was more like the rubber band but not right away. We didn’t react in the same way. I knew right away but he didn’t. All he knew was that he couldn’t get me out of his head. I knew it was love but he thought I was the most annoying, uppity, know-it-all he’d ever met.”
Laughter filled the room.
“He wasn’t wrong, of course. I am a know-it-all, but the bond didn’t slide into his awareness steadily, like it did for me. We were actually in the middle of an argument about how he found me annoying when he just stopped and gasped.” He chuckled. “It felt like my world shifted and centered on him. It was like the circle was complete and everything I felt flowed into him and vice versa.”
Josh sighed again.
“But, enough about Asher and I.” Dr. Daniels lifted a remote and pointed it over his shoulder, turning on the SmartBoard that took up a large portion of the wall behind him. "Can someone get the lights, please?"
Charts and graphs appeared on the SmartBoard in an explosion of color that I strained to interpret.
"As this is not a statistics course, I don't expect any of you to be able to read this gibberish," Dr. Daniels said, pushing back from the table so he could move to the side of the screen and face us. "What it basically tells us, is that the brain registers the presence of a soul mate differently than it does that of any other person in a wolf's world."
He pointed to an image of a brain and clicked on the link. "This is a PET scan of a female wolf. Emotional responses show in both the temporal lobe and the amygdala which is why you're seeing both of those areas light up. At this moment, her daughter is singing a song, which you can clearly see lights her up like a Christmas tree. It’s clear she adores her daughter. However, those emotional connections are nothing compared to what happens when her mate recounts how they met and bonded."
He tapped the screen and let the video run.
Murmurs erupted throughout the class, but I tuned them out as I strained forward in my seat, disbelief and awe flooding my system.
Her brain looked like an electricity field. I flashed back to the X-Men movies and Cerebrum. That was what it reminded me of. Her brain danced with light, and electricity, and life. I gasped in a shuddery breath and wondered what my brain scan would show in the presence of Lucian, Chase, or Dimitri, and if being with all of them at the same time would result in even more activity.
I didn't know how to describe it, but something happened when I was with them. It was like they chased away the shadows left in my soul by my upbringing and imprisonment. I felt whole when they touched me, or even looked my way. As much as I still questioned what was happening between us, I was beginning to understand just how deeply linked we were.
The thought of life without them brought me pain. I blew out a deep breath and swallowed at the mere thought of losing them, any of them. The heaviness of it dragged at me, forming a pit in my stomach.
I pushed away the feeling. I hadn't lost them; we just hadn't figured out what we were, yet. Although, based on the text message Chase had sent me, they'd already spent time figuring it out on their end. It was well past time we got together and figured it out for everyone.
"Almost one hundred percent of wolves eventually find their mates, even if it takes hundreds of years to do so. Statistically, most wolves are past their one hundredth birthday when they find their other half, but younger wolves sometimes find their mates much sooner. Basically, we have zero control over the bond. It's a natural part of who we are. Which makes it a fascinating topic for inquisitive minds." Dr. Daniels steepled his fingers together and tapped them against his mouth.
I had an inquisitive mind, and this subject was front and center in my awareness. It eclipsed everything else. It was impossible not to think about the fact that in a world of natural beings, I was a laboratory created freak who just kept proving how different I was. I wanted a normal life, a mate, children, a happy existence to wash away the dregs of memory of my past. Instead, fate was throwing me another curve ball.