by JJ King
I held on as if my life depended on it, and maybe it did. I didn't know it could be like this. None of my books had prepared me for the reality of his body in mine. His mouth skimmed over my damn skin, and Russian spilled from his lips in murmurs that I didn't understand but, instead, felt like promises deep in my soul.
I opened my eyes to see him watching me, those dark depths staring so intently, as if searching for answers to questions not yet asked aloud. I desperately wanted to give him those answers, to whisper my feelings, to shout them from rooftops, but I knew he wasn't ready. There was fear and something unreadable in his eyes, too, but I didn't want to think about that right now, so I strained my head up and captured his lips.
He slowed his movements, switching from the frantic pace he'd set, which had driven me high and fast, to something slow and languid. Even his kiss slowed, deepening as his hands moved to the back of my neck and cradled my head. I sighed into his mouth, sinking into this new side of him, a side I was sure nobody else ever got to see. He moved one hand down my body, skimming over my curves. His fingers dug into me, dipping under my lower back to tilt my hips up. His next thrust hit something so magical, tears sprang to my eyes and trailed down my cheeks.
He chuckled, darkly and satisfied, then shifted back and moved his other hand down to gain the perfect angle. I sucked in oxygen and watched him rise to his knees and lift my hips into the air, never stopping that slow, torturous, rhythm.
He was so breathtakingly gorgeous. My heart strained against my ribs as emotion and desperate need built inside me with each passing moment. I watched him, tracing the contours of his face with my gaze, burning them into my memory, then let my eyelids flutter shut as another orgasm rolled through me like a freight train.
I arched into it, held up only by his hands and the tip of my head as my body spasmed and convulsed with the purest of pleasure. His fingers dug deep into my hips as my release squeezed him tight, shooting us both over the edge.
When he collapsed over me, I cracked my eyelids enough to smile and murmur something about sleep, then let exhaustion drag me into a sea of soft light and mist.
My dreams were sweet and filled with flashes of the three men that filled my mind, waking and asleep. In this one, I lay, curled like a satisfied kitten between Lucian and Chase, while Dimitri loomed over me with eyes that sparked with desire. There was no guilt, no fear, no awkwardness, just love and languid happiness.
My sweet boys whispered words of sensual encouragement, making my mind swirl with love and desire, while my demon boy dipped his head between my thighs to drive me to insanity.
Exquisite pleasure spiked through me, arching my back, making colors explode behind my eyelids as I melted into the bed.
“Lexi—”
My body stilled, going rigid beneath their loving hands, as my subconscious recognized the voice that forced itself into my utopia and destroyed my dreams. My eyes flew open.
The monster that haunted me, like a dark void that floated in the depths of my soul, stood above me with hands that dripped with blood.
My heart went cold.
Fear burst through me as I pushed up, reaching for my guys, searching for them in the spreading darkness that was too cold to survive. My hands spread out, meeting empty space where Lucian and Chase had been a moment before. Cries of terror spilled from my lips and were swallowed up by the darkness that had stolen my sight.
“Chase! Lucian!” I screamed, climbing to my knees to tear the sheets from the bed. “Dimitri!”
My hand slipped into something wet and thick just as the tangy scent of copper filled my nose.
Brilliant white light flooded the room, searing my eyes, sending sharp pain radiating through my brain. I threw up my hands, covering my face, realizing a split second too late what that would mean.
Hot blood dripped from between my fingers, onto my chin, onto the white sheets, creating obscene Rorschach blots that changed as my sight cleared enough to see. I stared down at my blood covered palms and slowly lifted my head.
They were piled together, all three of them, brothers, all unseeing as they stared at me with eyes that saw no more. Their skin was pallid, cold, and their throats gaped wide.
Screams burst from me as laughter filled the air and the darkness exploded towards me with hands tipped with razor sharp nails.
I woke wild and hoarse with the monster’s laughter ringing in my ears, already reaching for Dimitri, and found nothing but an empty room.
Chapter 17
I stared down at my notebook where it lay on the library table and blinked in confusion, then rolled my eyes as I realized I'd stopped taking notes from my assignment and had, some time ago, apparently, started doodling question marks on the paper, instead.
I didn't have to question my subconscious on this one. It was pretty damn obvious. My life was one big question mark right now, filled with endless confusion and angst. I'd been prepared for angst, even looking forward to it on some level, but not like this.
Being with Dimitri last night had rocked me to the core, touching places inside my soul that I'd feared didn't even exist. It was like his darkness saw and recognized mine. It made my stomach ache to think that someone in his life had affected him so negatively that he'd built up walls to protect himself, walls that he'd thrown up between us at almost every turn. Walls that he kept trying to use to keep us apart.
So, why did I keep coming back to him?
I frowned and chewed on my lower lip as I worried over that question. From the outside looking in, the push and pull of whatever it was between us, probably looked a lot like an abusive relationship. It felt like one sometimes. But there was more to it than that, more to him than what he was pretending to be, and I needed to find out why before it tore us apart for good.
"Is this seat taken?" A deep voice interrupted my drama laden musings.
My skin flushed, and a smile lifted my lips as I turned to look up at Lucian. It struck me, as it did every time I saw him, that he was simply beautiful. His skin shone as if the sun dared never leave, even in the dead of night. Since I'd taken a seat at a table near one of the long lines of windows in the library, I was blessed with a view of him backlit with only a sea of evergreens as his backdrop.
I gestured for him to take the seat because my tongue had gone suddenly and irrevocably thick with emotion.
"What are you working on?" he said so casually no one would've possibly guessed at the sexual tension ratcheting up between us or the way my stomach fluttered when he reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. I had to exhale slowly to find my balance before speaking.
"Just something for my English class." I moved my arm over my pages of question mark doodles and notes on Shakespeare's comedies.
Lucian grinned and peeked past my blockade then winged up an eyebrow.
"Interesting," he said, tapping his finger against his full lips.
"Huh?" I asked, struggling to focus on anything other than his lips. I blinked and smiled. "What's interesting?"
"That you chose the comedies rather than the tragedies." His eyebrows furrowed for a moment, then relaxed. "Most people prefer Romeo and Juliet to All's Well That Ends Well.”
I shrugged, realizing for the first time that, while I enjoyed the tragedies, I much preferred Shakespeare's lighter fare. Maybe it was because I'd spent far too much of my life living in a tragedy to want to spend much time reading about others now.
But I couldn't exactly explain the depths of my realization to Lucian without confessing the whole of my past and delving into the darkness that I'd been born into. Of all of them, he was the one that made me consider sharing that part of me. There was something in his eyes, just the slightest flash sometimes, but enough that I saw and recognized that he knew pain and grief, just like I did. My fingers itched to reach for him, my tongue was tempted to ask, but how could I ask of his pain when I wasn't ready to share mine? So, I offered him something light and flippant, nothing more than a shiny answer w
ith no depth.
"I went with A Midsummer Night's Dream, actually," I said, offering him a wide smile. "Because fairies."
I shrugged and laughed.
He grinned back at me, laughing with me, but those eyes saw more, and the smile died on my lips.
Silence hung between us, like a living, breathing thing, churning my stomach with need that had nothing to do with the passion he stoked in me and everything to do with the way my heart thumped painfully against my ribs as if trying to reach out and connect with him.
I swallowed and took a deep breath meant to cleanse my chakras and balance my chi, but when I fixed my gaze on Lucian's face once more, words leaped from my soul and spilled from my lips.
“My life wasn’t easy,” I murmured, keeping my voice low as I chipped away at the surface of my story, giving Lucian the first glimpse I’d ever offered anyone into my traumatic past. “I’m not all bubble gum and sprinkles, as much as my hair color suggests.”
Lucian remained silent and still, giving me his entire attention. His quiet acceptance and patience warmed the chill that had raced up my spine.
I looked down at my knotted hands. Was I really going to do this?
Lucian reached out and covered my hands with his, eclipsing me. It made me feel tiny, delicate, and breakable. I frowned and almost pulled my hands back as fear and regret awoke with a vengeance, but then I caught his gaze. He didn’t see me as a wilting flower or a delicate bloom. He saw me, the real me, and, even now, offered a glimpse of his own pain.
I flipped my hand over and slid our palms together.
“Will you go for a walk with me?” I asked, needing fresh air and nature to get through this.
We chatted about inconsequential things as we made our way outside. It was a beautiful day, hot, clear, but with a soft southerly wind that discouraged flies and heat stroke. In the shade of the evergreens, as we moved farther into the forest paths behind the school, I found solace and peace, even though we weren't completely alone, since the trail was used by runners.
I glanced down at our fingers, which were tangled together and constantly shifting, rubbing against one another, creating tingles that raced up my arm and straight to my heart.
We fell into silence when a group of runners forced us to the edge of the path to let them by, then stayed there as we moved farther into the trees. I replayed how I would admit to Lucian what I was without scaring him off.
The words stuck in my throat, refusing to come out, as if they knew what the outcome of this discussion would be and would rather stay locked up forever than risk this beautiful connection. Too bad my heart and soul demanded that I share every single part of me with the man I knew deep down was an intrinsic part of my life now and forever. He wouldn't turn away from me, my wolf insisted. He couldn't, the same way I couldn't turn away from him. We were linked. How deeply, I'd yet to fully understand, but I was starting to.
"My parents died almost two years ago," Lucian murmured, so quietly I had to strain my ears to hear.
A soft gasp escaped my lips and I swirled, coming to a stop to face him as intimate pain and knowledge of loss rose in me, propelling me forward and into his arms.
I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his chest. Beneath my cheek, his heart pounded, and I realized that he was scared to tell me his secret. I pulled back, slipping my hands into his, and squeezed gently.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered, swallowing down the lump of emotion that had leaped to my throat.
My reaction was surprising. I'd seen enough pain and death in my life to have been desensitized against it, but hearing him say those heartbreaking words, I'd felt overcome with the need to save him, to take away all his pain and replace the shadows in his eyes with light, and laughter, and love. Right now, though, he needed me to listen, so I pulled him forward, farther into the forest, and waited for him to speak.
"I hate saying it that way, that they died." He sighed and ran a hand over his forehead. "It makes it sound like they were in a car accident or got sick, but that's not what happened."
My heart twisted with understanding.
"They were murdered."
I released the breath I'd been holding in my chest as quietly as possible and squeezed his hand again, letting him know that I was there and that he was safe. He squeezed back and kept going.
"I was born and raised in Montréal. My mom was from New Orleans. She met Dad in University, and they decided to live close to his family rather than down south. We had a good life. We were happy." A soft smile played on his lips, then disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. He slowed and took a deep breath as if to steel himself for the rest. "After, I found out that other wolves had been targeted for weeks before my parents were attacked. Weeks."
His voice rose with anger that had nowhere to go.
"The Alpha family didn't warn us. No one said a word." He shook his head and rubbed his temple as if he could rub away the memories that haunted him. "If we'd known, if they'd known, they wouldn't have been out, especially at night. They wouldn't have been caught in that motherfucker's trap and gunned down like animals."
His breath came in jerky gasps that shattered my heart.
He tugged his hand from mine. Clearly agitated, he stalked forward and whipped around, then threw his arms in the air with more passion radiating from his body than I'd ever seen.
"That's what we are to them, you know! Animals! Monsters! I just can't wrap my head around it, even after all this time. It just doesn't make any fucking sense. How can they see us as monsters, Lexi?" He pounded his fisted hand against his chest. "Doesn't this count? Doesn't our human form mean anything to them? How can they hate us so much for just being who we were born to be?" Hot tears of confusion and rage spilled down his cheeks.
I let my own tears come. Holding them back wouldn't help him now.
"It's not fair," I murmured into his neck, pressing my lips against the skin before pulling back to look up at him. The shadows that I'd seen so often in his eyes, pushed to the back, barely controlled, were hidden no more. Everything he felt was there, in those endlessly dark eyes. I lifted my hand to stroke his cheek. "How could anyone look at you or the people who made you and raised you into the man you are and see monsters?"
I let my gaze trace his features, taking in the strong jaw, the proud nose, the arch of his eyebrows, and saw nothing that anyone should fear. But that wasn't the point. Hunters hated our kind for no reason other than the fact that we’d been gifted with an ability that they didn't have. They didn't understand us, what we were, how we shifted, so they hated us, and feared us, and killed us.
Lucian tipped his chin and his tears dripped onto my chest. He stared down at me, then pressed his lips to mine.
His kiss was as gentle as a butterfly's wings, brushing against my skin. I rose unto my tiptoes to welcome him, to hold him and offer what comfort I could. He sighed into my mouth, sharing his breath with me in a moment so intimate my chest expanded with love and sadness. When he broke the connection and buried his face in my hair, I closed my eyes and wished I could heal him.
He was damaged; so was I, and I had to assume Dimitri was, too. Maybe that was what had bonded us together so fiercely, so instantly. I wondered what damage Chase was hiding behind a wicked smile and golden eyes.
"What were they like?" I asked, as my mind swirled with scenarios of what would happen if I opened to him just as he was opening up to me.
It wasn’t the same, though. He was damaged, yes, but he'd been born to real parents and a real home and raised with love and normalcy. The part of me still terrified to share my life with him stuck strong on that point. So, I let him talk and unburden, while I adjusted and learned to trust my soul.
Lucian smiled, this time bright and beautiful. "They were amazing," he said, looking up into the sky as if remembering. "My dad, he was quiet and intelligent, a deep thinker who saw the world through the most beautiful lens. But he was funny, too. If we were having a party and Dad started
to speak, everyone would stop and wait because they knew it would be brilliant. He’d listen and engage with everyone, but when he made that humming sound in the back of his throat and sat forward, we’d all just stop and Mom would get this gleam in her eyes. He was my hero, Lexi. I miss him so much.”
He sniffed and blinked several times while his smile faded. “”
I was silent as tears stopped up my throat. When I could speak again, I prompted him, knowing that even though it hurt, speaking of his parents was helping. “What about your mom? What was she like?”
Lucian chuckled. “She was the complete opposite of Dad. Where he was quiet and introspective, she was loud and passionate. She loved singing and dancing and covered every surface in our house with bright colors because they made her smile.” He swallowed and inhaled sharply. “She balanced him, and me, and forced us to step outside our little bubbles to explore the world with her.”
He lifted our entwined fingers to his mouth and kissed the back of my hand. “You remind me a bit of her.”
My eyebrows nearly lifted off my face.
“You think I’m bright and bubbly?” I blinked in surprise and lifted my hand to my pink hair. “You know this is just dye, right?”
Lucian laughed and, this time, it was true and lovely. It lifted my spirit to see joy in his eyes again, even if it faded quickly.
“I know,” he said, reaching up to tug at the end of one of my curls. “And I know there’s a lot you haven’t shared with us yet, like why you get panic attacks and nightmares.”
My stomach clenched.
“Don’t worry about it, Lexi.” He turned to face me and shook his head. “You’ll share when you’re ready. I just mean that there’s a light in you that draws me out. I can slip inside my head and stay there too long, but being with you, like this—It dulls the pain and pulls me out of the darkness, you know?” I did know, so I stepped into him and wrapped my arms around his waist, burying my head against his chest.