Chapter Thirty-Four: Lord King Louie’s precious pile of poop
41 Although the other chimp was still bending over and showing Tarzan his bum. It just didn’t seem to bother Tarzan any more.
42 In that it had a big dent in it. Not in that the pyramids are made out of poo.
Chapter Thirty-Five: Dominant male
43 This is a word that means “generously but also grandly, like a king granting a favour to a peasant”. I could have said that, but it would have taken a bit long. Then again, if you’ve read this footnote, it’s taken even longer.
44 Or His Chimpiness the Lord King Louie, if any of you reading are chimps.
45 Apart from one chimp, a female one, called Tracey, who was going: “Don’t do it, Louie! He’s not worth it!”
Chapter Thirty-Seven: Splat
46 Get Out Of The Way
47 A pooalie?
Chapter Thirty-Eight: A day over 148
48 You know. Like pigeons do.
49 You could, if you were very clever, spell this PIDGIN.
Chapter Thirty-Nine: Eiwkltsh
50 Although I don’t know if penguins understand pigeon. There might be one language for all birds, flying or not. Don’t push me on this, I’m not an expert.
51 Although once, obviously, Bert asked if he could eat him.
52 Told you so. You wouldn’t know where we were otherwise, would you?
53 Even I Would Kinda Like To See Him. No one really realised she’d said this though, as it sounded like a sneeze.
Chapter Forty-One: This army
54 Still useful to know this.
55 Benny and Bjornita had been carried there on Snowflake’s back. How did they get up there? Do you know, I’m not entirely sure.
Chapter Forty-Five: Free cheese
56 Jackie used quite a big swear here, I’m afraid.
Chapter Fifty-One: Not normal circumstances
57 Everyone, not including Mr Braden.
Keep Reading
1 A boy and girl can only be fraternal twins, never identical. But don’t ask me to explain the difference. It’s a bit yucky.
2 Fred was better than her at one thing, however: customising the avatars. He could customise any avatar on any game so the character on screen looked great – hairstyle, eye colour, skin colour, clothes, teeth, every shape and size. Fred sometimes wondered if he didn’t like doing that even more than playing the games.
Thanks must go as ever to my fantastic team at HarperCollins Children’s Books, principally the amazing Nick Lake, the tireless Paul Black and Geraldine Stroud, and the commander-in-chief Ann-Janine Murtagh; and thanks also to Kate Clarke, Elorine Grant, Samantha Swinnerton, Brigid Nelson, JP Hunting and Nicola Way; as well as Julien Matthews and Grace Rodgers at Avalon.
I’d like also to thank my collaborator, the incredibly talented Jim field, who makes these words come alive in pictures; my literary agent and invaluable margin-scribbler Georgia Garrett; audio-book whisperer Tanya Brennard-Roper; my assistant and general helpmeet, Stasia Kolasa; my children, Dolly and Ezra; and my soulmate, Morwenna Banks.
Don’t miss David Baddiel’s
THE PERSON CONTROLLER,
a thrilling, funny and touching adventure from the new star of children’s books – out now in paperback.
Fred and Ellie are twins. But not identical (because that’s impossible for a boy and a girl). They do like all the same things, though. Especially video games. Which they are very good at. They aren’t that good, however, at much else – like, for example, football, or dealing with the school bullies.
Then, they meet the Mystery Man, who sends them a video-game controller, which doesn’t look like any other controller they’ve ever seen. And it doesn’t control any of their usual games. When the twins find out what it does control, though, it seems like the answer to all their problems. And the key to all their wildest dreams. At least it seems like that …
Turn the page for an extract …
Fred and Ellie Stone were twins. But they were never sure whether or not they could call themselves identical. They certainly shared exactly the same birthday (20th September, eleven years ago) and they had the same mum and dad (Eric and Janine). But their names were Fred and Ellie. And a boy and a girl are, clearly, not identical.1
Yet they felt identical. They sometimes even felt that they knew what one another were thinking. And, even if they were 200 metres apart, they could mouth words at each other and always know what the other one was saying. They did look pretty identical too. They both wore glasses and, most of the time, their school uniforms (even though uniform wasn’t compulsory at their school). And they both, at the point at which this story begins, had braces on their top teeth.
They also both liked the same things. These included: superheroes; Japanese fantasy animation films; comics; maths (yes, they actually liked maths – sometimes they played a game called ‘Who Can Name More Decimal Places of Pi?’); and, most importantly, video games. All video games, but their favourites were FIFA, Street fighter, Super Mario and Minecraft. The one thing they would save up their not-very-much pocket money to buy was the most up-to-date versions of these games. Ellie, though, was better than Fred at video games.2 Which Fred didn’t mind. He knew she had quicker fingers and better hand-to-eye coordination. And, even though he sometimes got frustrated at losing, other times he just liked watching her fingers speed across her controller, as if she was playing a classical concerto by heart. And, when I say her controller, I mean her controller. Ellie and Fred always used their own ones. Ellie in particular was always very definite about which one was hers. The feel and the weight of her controller – even if, to the untrained eye/hand, both of them may have looked/felt exactly the same – suited her style perfectly.
Which was why what happened to it was quite so upsetting …
Find out what happens next in:
OUT NOW
Don’t miss the award-winning debut novel from David Baddiel
Illustrated by Jim field
“I wish I had better parents!” Barry said, a third time. And then suddenly the entire room started to shake …
Barry Bennett hates being called Barry. In fact it’s number 2 on the list of things he blames his parents for, along with 1) ‘being boring’ and 3) ‘always being tired’.
But there is a world, not far from this one, where parents don’t have children. That’s far too random for something so big and important. Instead, children are allowed to choose their parents.
For Barry Bennett, this world seems like a dream come true. Only things turn out to be not quite that simple …
Books by David Baddiel
THE PARENT AGENCY
THE PERSON CONTROLLER
THE BOY WHO COULD DO
WHAT HE LIKED
About the Publisher
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