“Please, let me finish. If I thought for a minute that I was doing something that would hurt me or the baby, I simply wouldn’t do it. Honest,” she added. “I know that in the past I might have made some poor choices, and maybe my judgment wasn’t right on target, and yes I know you frequently had to come to my rescue, bail me out of situations or protect me from something—even if it was myself—but that was then, this is now. I’m not the same person. I’ve changed, Josh, I’ve grown up.
And he was going to have to recognize it whether he wanted to or not!
“I know,” he reluctantly admitted, dragging his hand through his hair with a sigh and wondering why he resented the fact that she had grown up. He really didn’t need a reminder, he thought with a scowl. He was more than aware of it, remembering the way his body had responded to her since she’d come home. And remembering, too, the way that heavenly scent of hers kept playing havoc with his senses, nagging at him like a melody.
His reactions to her had totally confounded him, causing him to lie awake most of the night.
He’d come to the conclusion that he probably was more comfortable when Em was a sassy twelve-year-old and needed—wanted—his help and protection.
Needed him.
Josh sighed, realizing his pride was wounded because Em apparently didn’t need him anymore, and he felt a bit useless to her. “But Em, I really don’t think—”
“Josh.” Her voice was stern as she took a step closer, her fists clenched in frustration. “I understand how you feel. But you’re going to have to respect my wishes here. Please?” The pleading tone of her voice swayed him much more than her anger. “You embarrassed me, Josh.”
He flushed guiltily. “Em, look, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize—I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Josh blew out a breath, then glanced down at the sidewalk absently kicking a pebble with the toe of his shoe. “I guess just knowing that you’re pregnant, knowing what you’ve gone through, well hell—” He broke off, unable to put into words what he was feeling, simply because he wasn’t certain he understood what he was feeling.
It had been so long since he’d seen her, so long since she’d been a part of his life, that now that she was home, he was having to deal with and face up to a whole host of unfamiliar emotions—emotions he wasn’t sure he understood.
And her pregnancy had only complicated things for him simply because she seemed so utterly vulnerable and alone, stirring up all the old protective instincts he’d always had where she was concerned.
He knew she was doing her best, struggling to take care of things on her own, and he admired her for it. Truly. It took a great deal of character, integrity and love to be able to do something so unselfish; to put your child’s health and welfare ahead of your own.
After what her husband had done to her, it took guts for her to keep her baby, and to make a conscious decision to do whatever was necessary in order to keep her baby safe and bring it into the world.
Josh couldn’t help it. He sighed, realizing how much courage and determination Em had. How much love she had to share, to give. Her actions touched him on a very deep level, a level that scared him in a way he hadn’t been scared since Melanie.
Josh tried hard not to compare Em’s actions with Melanie’s, but it was next to impossible. Every action, every decision Em had made regarding her child was in direct contrast to the actions and decision Melanie had taken with his child.
His child.
It still hurt, he realized, absently lifting a hand to his chest where he could feel an actual physical pain in his heart. Even after all this time he still grieved for the child he’d lost; a child he’d never even had a chance to know or love.
Em had nothing and no one; no family to turn to; no husband to lean on; no financial fortune to rely on. Melanie had all of that and more. If she hadn’t wanted him in the picture, Josh could have accepted that if it meant saving his child. Melanie would have had no trouble supporting or caring for a baby, not with the kind of familial and financial support she had. But what Mel hadn’t wanted was to be burdened with a child.
His child.
“Josh.” Concerned by his quietness, Em reached out and laid a hand on his chest, fearing she’d hurt his feelings. “Are you all right?”
She looked at him curiously, wondering what had shadowed his beautiful blue eyes. He looked as if he’d gone off somewhere inside himself, and wherever he’d gone had created such sadness in his eyes, his face, she wanted to just hug him, to hold him and comfort him as he had done for her so many times.
Shaking his thoughts away, Josh forced a smile, placing his hand over hers, enjoying the warmth of her touch.
“I’m fine, Em. Really,” he added with a careless shrug when she looked like she didn’t believe him. “Just an old memory.” He shrugged again. “It’s not important,” he lied. “Not anymore.”
He’d never told anyone about the baby; he couldn’t. He was too ashamed. Ashamed that he’d believed himself to be in love with such a cold, heartless woman, ashamed that he’d been lied to and deceived, ashamed that he’d believed Melanie to be a woman of strength, character and integrity.
He’d been so wrong.
And his child had paid.
But he’d learned his lesson. Never again would he allow himself to let a woman slip past his defenses. Loving someone meant leaving yourself vulnerable to hurt, to devastation. He wouldn’t ever allow that to happen to him again. No matter what.
“Em, look, I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you or undermined your authority. That wasn’t my intention at all.” He shrugged. “I was just trying to help.”
“Oh, Josh.” His words successfully defused her anger and she felt a well of emotion for him. “Thank you,” she whispered, lifting a hand to his cheek. “I know you’re just trying to help, but—”
“Em, look,” he interrupted, dragging a hand through his hair in frustration before bringing his gaze back to hers. Their gazes met, held. “It’s just…I care about you,” he admitted softly, slipping his other hand around her waist, and smiling when he felt the slight bulge from the baby.
“I care about you, too, Josh, you know that, but caring doesn’t give either of us the right to try to control the other person’s life.”
“Is that what I was doing?” he asked with a smile.
“Yep,” she said with a smile of her own. “Afraid so.”
Absently, he slid his other arm around her waist, slowly drawing her close, needing to feel her warmth. “It’s the lawyer in me, Em, I can’t help myself.”
“Try,” she insisted, her voice light. “Otherwise I might need a lawyer to defend me for what I do to you.”
He laughed, realizing how much he’d missed her sense of humor over the years. Missed her friendship, her trust, missed her.
“Em, I’ve missed you.”
She had no idea why her heart was thudding so fast or recklessly. This was Josh, her best friend, he’d hugged her a thousand, no, probably a million times in her life, this time was certainly no different.
So why was her pulse accelerating and her heart leaping as if it was about to take flight? She’d put away her love for him at age twelve, when he’d made it clear he thought of her only as a friend, and a kid at that.
“I’ve missed you, too, Josh.” In spite of her nerves, she forced herself to hold his gaze, telling herself she was being foolish, there was nothing to be nervous about. This was Josh. Must be her hormones acting up again. Relieved, Em forced herself to relax.
“I don’t want anything to happen to you, Em, or the baby, that’s all. You’re all alone, and I just want to make sure you know that I’m here—always—for both of you. No matter what you need, Em, I’m here.”
“Oh, Joshua,” she said, as tears filled her eyes and a warm rush of gratitude filled her heart. No one else had ever cared about her or the baby. Nothing he said could have softened her heart more, but she should have expected it. Josh was and always had been the kindest,
gentlest, most loving, giving man she’d ever known.
“You have no idea how much that means to me,” she whispered, blinking away tears. “But nothing is going to happen to me or to my baby.” She smiled at him, wanting to reassure him, then added just for good measure, “But I’m not so certain you’ll be as safe if you keep interfering and running around town telling people to look after me like I was a wayward twelve-year-old.”
Realizing how she must have felt, he managed a laugh. “Yeah, I can see where that might have been a tad…embarrassing.” He looked sheepish. “So I went a bit overboard, I guess.”
“Just a tad,” she agreed with a smile. His hands felt so warm and comforting around her. Her feet hurt, her back ached, and more than anything else she just wanted to rest her head on his chest for a moment. Just for a moment. But it was a luxury she couldn’t allow. She couldn’t let her defenses down, not even with Josh.
Especially not with Josh.
“Will you promise me something, then?” Josh asked
“What?” she asked suspiciously, making him grin.
“That if you’re not feeling well, you’ll rest. Or go home. Or at least get off your feet?”
“I promise, Josh,” she said solemnly, resisting the urge to roll her eyes again.
His brows drew together. “How’s the morning sickness today? Any better?” He knew she’d been suffering terribly, which was why she was so thin. She couldn’t eat, and when she did, she rarely kept anything down.
With a grin, she reached in the back pocket of her jeans and pulled out a wrapped saltine cracker, crumbled into pieces now.
“What’s that?” Josh asked with a frown.
“That,” she said, holding the cracker up like a prize between them. “Is a miracle. Doc Haggerty was in the diner recently. It was right about the time I was getting green around the gills.” She grinned at the alarm on Josh’s face. “He took one look at me, dug in the bread basket on his table, and pushed a cracker into my hand. Told me to eat it slowly with some warm ginger ale and it would eliminate the morning sickness.”
“Did it?” Josh asked in surprise.
“Every last moment of it.” Still amazed, Em shook her head. “I’ve got a whole pocketful of them. I’m never leaving home without them. They really work,” she said, grinning. “And to think I’ve been suffering all these months for nothing.” She put the cracker back in her pocket. “I made an appointment to go see him next week.”
Doc Haggerty was a general practitioner and the only doctor in town, so he treated everyone for everything, and had delivered just about all the babies in town for the past thirty years.
“Good, good.” Josh cocked his head to look at her. “So are we still on for tonight?”
“Tonight?” she repeated, frowning. All she wanted to do tonight was soak in a long, hot tub.
“A pizza from Angelo’s? Remember?”
“Angelo’s?” Her eyes glittered and she brightened suddenly. “Sausage and cheese. Extra large?” she asked hopefully, wondering if he’d remember their standard Friday evening dinner fare from their childhood.
They’d pick up a pizza on the way home from school on Fridays, then have a picnic on the Ryan ranch. They’d lay a blanket right in front of the little waterfall and creek that separated their houses.
“Absolutely.” She was standing so close, he could feel the warmth of her body heat warming him. He could feel the slight swell of her belly as well. It filled him with both reverence and awe. “What time do you think you’ll be through here?” he asked, trying to divert his attention from what he was feeling.
She frowned thoughtfully, trying to figure out everything she had to do. “I’m not sure. I’ll call you when I get home.”
“Okay. And you’ll take it easy this afternoon?”
“Yes, sir,” Em said with a laugh. “Promise.”
“Em.” Josh had no intention of kissing her. None. But something dangerous stirred his blood, making him move closer to her. “Em,” he whispered again as he lowered his mouth to hers. It seemed so natural, so instinctive, he didn’t have a chance to think about it.
He could only feel.
So many emotions, feelings, needs, desires. They all rose to the surface at once in a kaleidoscope that nearly blotted out the warning bells clanging in his head.
This was not the kiss of a friend, he realized, as Em’s mouth softened beneath his, accepting his mouth, his kiss.
Her arms unconsciously snaked around Josh. Em was so stunned that every thought, every protest, she thought to utter fled from her head, replaced instead by a string of feelings so strong she felt as if the world tipped under her feet again.
But this time it had nothing to do with her condition.
Em moaned softly, then tightened her arms around Josh, tangling her fingers in the lush silk of his hair, savoring the softness. When he pulled her body closer until there was barely room for a breath between them. Em’s sigh was half longing, half need.
“Em.” He said only her name; that was all he was capable of as he set her away from him, visibly shaken by the feelings rampaging through him.
What on earth was the matter with him? This was Em. His best friend. His pregnant best friend. He had no business treating her like a…woman, kissing her like a…woman.
What was happening to him? he wondered, more frightened by his actions than he’d been in a long time. Em trusted him, as a friend should, and he never wanted to do anything to jeopardize that trust.
“I’ll see you tonight.” Anxious to get away so he could examine what had just happened in private, he gently touched a finger to her cheek, wanting to touch her again, just once, before he turned and walked away, leaving Em standing there stunned.
What on earth had just happened? Em wondered. She let her eyes close. She wasn’t sure, but all she knew was that it had been wonderful.
“Hormones,” she assured herself. “That’s all it was. No sense getting alarmed.” She wasn’t attracted to Josh any longer. She wasn’t interested in him any longer. She’d been over him for years. Besides, she couldn’t afford to allow herself to be attracted or interested in any man. She wasn’t about to forget the lesson she’d learned; she wasn’t about to jeopardize her own future as well as the baby’s by relying on or falling in love with a man. The idea was just ludicrous enough to make her smile.
“It was just hormones, Em,” she said, satisfied she’d solved the mystery of why she’d responded to Josh’s more-than-friendly kiss. “Just hormones,” she repeated as she pulled open the diner door, prepared to forget the incident and go back to work.
By the time Em locked the door to the diner that evening, she was absolutely certain she could sleep for a month. She was utterly exhausted, her feet were burning as if they were on fire, her back was throbbing and she could barely keep her eyes open.
But, she thought, as she climbed into her car, she’d made it. Another day done and no doubt every day after would get better.
Certain of it, Em turned on the radio, humming along as she drove home, glancing around at the familiar, pretty little town where she’d grown up.
As she passed the Saddle Falls Park, she grinned remembering all the holiday barbecues and softball games the town had sponsored. Right next to it was the Saddle Falls High School where she and just about everyone else in town had attended. With the window open and the January air streaming through the car, Em smiled and waved at Sheriff Fitzpatrick as he climbed into his squad car.
It felt good to be home, she thought, flipping on her turn indicator. She finally felt as if she had a purpose in life, a reason to go on every day. She patted her belly. “You make it all worthwhile, Baby Cakes,” she whispered with a smile.
Although she’d managed to tackle the everyday tasks of running the diner, there was still plenty to do before the baby came. She had to meet with her father’s accountant and get a fix on the books and the bills. She also had to finally unpack her few meager belongings, something s
he’d neglected to do in the week since she’d been home simply because she was just too tired.
And then she had to think about redecorating the house. It was too dark and dismal right now. She wanted to make things light and bright, to erase the painful memories of her own childhood and recreate happier ones for herself and her child.
And then there was the nursery to consider, she thought with a grin as she abruptly pulled over to the curb in front of a meticulous two-story white frame house with a beautiful meandering porch.
But first, there was something she had to do right now.
She slipped out of the car, glanced around, then dashed across the street, praying Sheriff Fitzpatrick wasn’t patrolling this particular street. Mrs. Richards, the house’s owner, still had the most beautiful garden in town, Em thought, as she raced back to the car.
After glancing in her rearview mirror, she pulled into the street, then began humming along with the radio again. She’d have to start shopping—window shopping at least—for baby furniture. She wanted the nursery to be perfect—a welcoming place of warmth and love for her child. The mere thought filled her with such joy she was absolutely certain she could probably float home.
As she reached the top of her driveway, Em frowned. Dusk was settling in, bathing the area in long, brown shadows. But even from here, she could see there were lights on in the house.
Lights.
As if someone was in the house waiting to welcome her home. It gave her an odd feeling, one she’d never had before.
As she pulled the car to a stop, she glanced out the window again, then heaved a sigh of relief when she saw Josh’s snazzy red sports car parked close to the house. Josh, she thought with a smile. Perfect.
He must have come over early. Absently, she touched a finger to her mouth, and would have sworn she could still feel the touch of his lips on hers. As far as kisses went, that one would rank right up there with the all-time greats, she realized. It was a good thing it was Josh who’d planted one on her. If she’d have had such an instantaneous female reaction to anyone else, she’d be heartily worried right now.
A Family to Be (Saddle Falls) Page 6