A Family to Be (Saddle Falls)

by De Vita, Sharon

  She’d painted her lips with something pink and moist and incredibly sexy. He’d had a very hard time not leaning across the table and tasting her again—just to remind himself that she tasted as good as she looked.

  “So you’ve told me,” she said with a laugh, flushing a bit. “Several times.” Pleased now that she’d splurged on the dress, she reached for her ginger ale, taking a small sip.

  “You okay?” he asked, nodding toward her glass. “Any more morning sickness?”

  “No,” she said with a grateful smile. “I’m just thirsty.”

  Josh toyed with his wineglass. “So tell me, how’d it go with Sammy?”

  Em laughed. “Great. I think things will work out well. He took the first delivery over to Mrs. O’Connor’s this afternoon.”

  “So when will you be getting the cradle?”

  Em shrugged. “I told her you and your brothers were going to start painting and wallpapering this weekend so I thought I’d wait until after you were done to pick it up.”

  “Sounds like a plan.” Using his thumb, Josh caressed her hand. “Em, I did some reading last night.”

  One brow lifted. “Reading? When did you have time, Josh? You didn’t leave my house until after ten.”

  “I had some time,” he hedged, not wanting to admit that he’d been up all night. “I made a list of things we’re going to need for the labor and delivery.”

  She laughed, touched. “Josh, were you reading about childbirth?”

  “Of course,” he said a bit defensively, wondering why everyone was so surprised. “I never go into anything without being totally prepared.” Smiling, he shrugged. “It’s probably the lawyer in me.”

  “Probably.” She hesitated a moment. She should have expected Josh to not only take his role seriously, but to fully prepare for it on every level. He was so dear she just wanted to hug him. “So tell me, exactly what’s on this list?”

  “Well,” he said with a frown. “Gatorade—”

  “Planning on getting thirsty?” she teased.

  “No, it’s not for me. It’s for you. During labor. It can get very intensive, you’ll be using a lot of energy, so Gatorade not only helps keep your mouth moist, but also helps with your energy. Small sips only,” he added, making her laugh again. “We’ll also need Popsicles and apple juice.” His brows drew together in thought. “I also added a small cooler to the list so we can keep everything cold.”

  “I see,” she said, her eyes twinkling in amusement. “I’m impressed, Josh.” She leaned forward, watching him. The scent of her perfume—sweet and slightly sensual at the same time—faintly tickled his nostrils, making him wonder if she smelled like that all over. Deliberately, he schooled his thoughts in another direction.

  “We’ll also need to get a large beach ball—” He held up his hand the moment she opened her mouth. He’d learned his lesson about the beach ball already today. “It’s not to play with, Em,” he explained. “It’s for you to rock on when the contractions get intense. It will also help ease the transitions between the different stages of labor.”

  With a laugh, Em shook her head. “Josh, you never fail to surprise me.”

  “Why?”

  Her gaze softened on his, tracing the lines of his beautiful face. “Because,” she said softly, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. “You just jump right in with both feet, making sure you’re totally prepared and ready for every eventuality.”

  He shrugged. “I thought that was my job. As your childbirth coach, it’s my responsibility to handle all the things you need in order to make the birth process as easy as possible for you and the baby.”

  “Oh, Josh.” Em glanced down at the table, at their entwined hands, realizing how wonderful they fit together. She lifted her gaze again, her heart full to almost overflowing. “I don’t know how to thank you,” she began softly. “Or to tell you how much I appreciate everything you’ve done for me the past few months.” At a loss for words, Em shook her head. “I am so grateful for the companionship, the help and the support you’ve given to me since I returned to town, Josh, being there for me no matter what.” Her gaze met his, then held. “I’m so grateful, Josh, I don’t even know how to begin to thank you.”

  “Em.” He hesitated, wondering why he felt annoyed at her gratitude. “I haven’t done anything more than any other man wouldn’t have done.”

  “Ah, well, I happen to disagree.” She hesitated, thinking about her ex-husband. “Josh, you know you’re going to make a fabulous father.” Cocking her head, she studied him. “So how come you never took the plunge like Jake or Jared?” She grinned. “How come you never got married?” She glanced down. “The day I came home, in your office you gave me some nonsense about being too busy with your practice, the hotel and handling the family businesses, but Jared has the responsibility of running the ranch and he’s made time for a family. Jake has a great deal of responsibility as well, but he’s made time for a wife, and now a baby on the way, too.” She raised her gaze to his. “So how come you haven’t made the time?”

  Josh blew out a breath, glanced around nervously, then brought his gaze back to hers. “I almost got married,” he admitted with a sigh. “It was during my last year in law school.”

  Surprised, Em sipped her soft drink, noting the dark shadow of pain that had leaped into his eyes. “What happened, Josh?” she asked softly.

  He shrugged. “It…didn’t work out.” He wasn’t sure he could talk about Melanie with Em. Wasn’t sure he wanted to admit what a fool he’d been.

  “Josh?”

  He glanced at her and the look in his eyes made her heart ache.

  “Will you tell me about it?” she asked softly, reaching for his hand, holding it tightly. “Please?”

  He shrugged. “Not much to tell, I guess.” Stalling, trying to get his thoughts together, he sipped the last of his wine. “Melanie was a law student, too. She was a year behind me. She came from a very wealthy East Coast family, three generations of lawyers and legislators. Being a successful lawyer was very important to her.”

  “More important than you?” Em asked quietly.

  “Apparently,” he said with a sigh. “About six months after we started dating, Melanie discovered she was pregnant. I was overjoyed. You know how I feel about kids—family.” Hesitating, he blew out a breath, then brought his gaze back to hers. “I asked her to marry me. She asked for a few days to think about it. Obviously neither of us had planned on having a child, especially then, but it happened and I couldn’t have been happier about it.”

  “But she wasn’t?” Em asked softly, holding his hand tighter. She couldn’t imagine a woman not being thrilled about having a baby with the man she loved. Nor could she imagine any woman not wanting Josh or his child.

  “No.” He had to stop for a moment before he continued. “She went home to New York to see her family. I stayed behind because she needed some time alone to think things through. While she was gone, I did some thinking as well. Although we obviously hadn’t planned on having a child while we were both still in school, I knew without a doubt that I could support both Melanie and the baby quite handsomely. And I knew that we’d have nothing but support from Tommy and the rest of the family.” He shrugged. “And, I thought I loved her.” He snorted in disgust, then shook his head. “I didn’t even know her.”

  Something dark and haunting flashed across his face, almost making Em shiver. She’d never seen that look in his eyes before.

  “Josh, what happened?” she prompted softly, caressing his hand in comfort, wanting to repay him with the same comfort he’d been giving her all these months.

  He lifted his gaze to hers; his expression cool and blank. It sent a shiver through Em. “Melanie never returned from New York. I received a letter from her telling me that neither a baby nor marriage were in her future. She had a brilliant law career ahead of her and she’d worked too hard for too long to give it all up now.”

  Em’s gaze widened. “Josh,” she whispere
d, with a sick, sinking feeling in her heart. “The baby?”

  Shaking his head, he blew out a breath. “She…got rid of it.”

  “Oh, God, Josh.” Em’s eyes filled with tears and she clutched his hand tighter, wanting to ease the pain she knew was buried deep in his heart.

  She knew how Josh felt about family, knew how he’d feel about his own child, and knew how devastating something like this would be for him.

  “I’m so sorry, Josh. So very sorry.” She cursed the coldness of a woman who could lie and deceive Josh, then so callously deprive him of something he so desperately wanted.

  Em wished she would have been here for Josh, to give him the support and love he’d needed during that time in the same way he’d given them to her since the day she’d come home.

  “Not as sorry as I was,” he admitted with a sad smile. “She never even gave me a chance, Em. She never even asked if maybe I wanted my child. If she didn’t want me, fine, I could have lived with that. But why did she have to destroy our child?” Even now, after all these years the pain was still raw and deep. “I never saw or heard from her again.”

  “You’re probably better off without her,” Em said, unable to keep the resentment out of her voice. She couldn’t imagine anyone just walking away from a man like Josh, and destroying a child they’d created together.

  “Definitely,” he agreed, reaching for his water glass to take a sip. He shrugged, setting his glass back down. “Up until then, Em, I guarded my heart. You know how I felt after Jesse’s kidnapping, and then after my parents were killed.”

  She nodded, remembering all too well. “You told me once that you would never allow yourself to love anyone again because it made you too vulnerable to hurt.” She remembered how hurt she’d been at the time, remembered how much she feared that Josh had locked his heart away forever.

  “Exactly. And I meant it.” He stared into his glass. “But Melanie, well, she slipped through my defenses, and then deliberately lied to me and betrayed me. I thought she was an honest, honorable woman, someone I would have been proud to have as my wife, as the mother of my children.” He shook his head. “I don’t know how I could have been so wrong.” He lifted his gaze to Em’s. “She was the first person, the first woman I allowed myself to trust in many years, Em, and what she did to me—to us, to our child…” His voice trailed off and he shook his head again. “I don’t know how I could have been so foolish. How I could have not seen what she was truly like.” He’d been too blinded by love, he realized now, knowing he could and would never let that happen to him again. He couldn’t risk it. “I’ve never forgiven myself for not protecting my child.”

  The tone of his voice made her heart ache for him, and for the child he’d lost. He was the kind of man who would always step up to the plate and take responsibility for his actions.

  And knowing how he felt about children, she could only imagine the heartbreak he’d gone through, heartbreak he still carried every day of his life, judging from the look on his face.

  “Oh, Josh,” she said softly, lifting his hand to kiss it before pressing it to her cheek, needing to touch him right now. “It’s not your fault. You’re not the one who… It wasn’t your decision to—”

  “No, Em, but it was my child, and I had a responsibility to protect it, to take care of it. And I didn’t,” he added so sadly that Em’s eyes filled with tears again. He looked up at her, his gaze haunted. “Em, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself. Because I mistakenly thought I loved someone, because I trusted her, it cost me my child. I don’t think I could endure…such pain ever again.”

  “Oh, Josh.” Em wanted to hug him and hold him until all the pain and hurt and desolation inside him melted. The resentment she felt toward the woman who had so cruelly deceived him knew no bounds. “I’m so sorry.” She held his hand tightly. “So very sorry.”

  There was nothing else she could say she knew that would ease Josh’s pain or erase his guilt. Nor was there anything she could say that would change his mind about loving. She knew it; had known it since she was twelve and had foolishly professed her love for Josh. The thought that he wouldn’t allow himself to love anyone, to share his life with someone made her infinitely sad.

  Dear Josh.

  He deserved to have a wonderful woman, a wonderful life, and a wonderful family more than anyone else she knew. He was the kind of man a woman dreamed about, a man who would honor and cherish any woman in his life, and their children.

  Now she understood why he was so concerned, so protective about her and Baby Cakes. He hadn’t been able to protect his own child, and so he was determined to make sure he helped her protect hers.

  Em’s heart softened, and all the love she’d felt for Josh over the years flowed and flourished through her veins, deepening into something far more than friendship, frightening her.

  She wasn’t going to think about that fear now, or her feelings. Right now, all she wanted—needed—to do was comfort Josh.

  “Josh, I guess when we think we’re in love, we all make mistakes in judgment. Look at me. I thought for certain Jack was the perfect man, the kind of man who wanted what I wanted.”

  “And what did you want, Em?” Josh asked carefully.

  She smiled, toying with her glass. “That’s the easy part, Josh. I wanted what your parents had. It’s true,” she said when he glanced at her in surprise. She sighed dreamily. “I always thought your parents had a perfect marriage and the perfect family.” She sighed again. “I was so envious of all of you,” she added with a laugh.

  He smiled, his thoughts going back to what his brother Jared had told him this morning about Em eventually falling in love and marrying someone else. Josh had no idea why the idea bothered him so much.

  “Well, nothing’s perfect, Em, but I have to agree with you. My parents’ marriage was pretty near perfect.” He could think about his parents now, and talk about them without feeling the gut-wrenching pain he once did. Now, the pain had drifted into very happy memories.

  “They were always so loving, so supportive of one another. And so kind,” Em said, remembering. “Every time your dad looked at your mom his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree.” Embarrassed, she flushed. “That’s what I wanted, Josh. A man who felt that way about me.”

  “That’s what every woman deserves, Em,” he said with a smile. Then he sobered and asked carefully, “But Jack didn’t?”

  She shook her head. “He was too busy looking at and chasing other women to even notice me.”

  Furious, Josh’s face darkened and he leaned closer. “I can’t believe that man—”

  “It’s over, Josh,” she said with a relieved sigh. “And I can’t say that I’m sorry about it.” She smiled slowly. “Just sorry it took me so long to realize just what kind of man he was. Or rather wasn’t,” she added, realizing that Jack couldn’t hold a candle to Josh. Not in any area.

  “How did you stand it for so long, Em?” Josh asked.

  She shrugged. “I kept thinking Jack would change. That eventually he’d grow up and want to settle down.” Absently, she ran a finger around the rim of her glass. “When I discovered I was pregnant, well, I thought for sure I’d finally have the husband—the family—I’d always wanted.”

  “And deserved,” Josh added, wondering if Em still wanted all those things.

  “But he took off so fast I’m surprised he didn’t leave skid marks.” She shook her head. “I knew he was lacking in character, but I had no idea he’d do something like that, just simply take off and abandon me and the baby without so much as a backward glance.”

  His heart ached at the sadness he heard in her voice. “Oh, God, Em, I know pride alone would have prevented you from calling your father, but I still don’t understand why you didn’t call me. I would have helped you, you know that.” Josh hated the fact that she’d been at the mercy of the man she’d married. A man who should have protected her and their unborn child, instead of tossing them away like nothing mor
e than yesterday’s newspaper.

  “I know,” she admitted softly. “But Josh, there’d been so many years, so much water under the bridge.” She glanced up at him. “I didn’t know—” She shrugged. “I just didn’t know what to expect.” She didn’t want to admit to Josh that she would never have called him simply because she wanted—needed—to finally stand on her own two feet. He’d been around most of her life, picking up the shattered pieces of her heart, her life, her emotions. But she’d been a child then.

  Now she was an adult, and she had to handle things on her own.

  “So tell me, Em,” Josh asked carefully, his gaze never leaving hers. “What do you want now?”

  “Now?” Thoughtfully, she turned to look out the window before bringing her gaze back to his. All the yearning and longings she’d had all her life, the need to have a home of our own, a real home, and a family who loved and accepted her came rushing to the surface, smothering her in a wash of aching sadness. She looked at him and tried to smile, but couldn’t quite pull it off. The yearning inside was suddenly too strong, too deep, consuming her.

  “What I want now, Josh,” she said softly. “Is peace. Just some peace, stability and security. I guess I’ve been looking—searching—for a home my whole life. Well, at least since Mama died,” she added. Her voice hitched, then broke. With anyone else she would have been embarrassed, but this was Josh, and she had no reason to be embarrassed. If anyone would understand, he would. Absently, she swiped at her tears, feeling a profound sadness for the lonely little girl she’d been, and the terrified young woman she’d become.

  But that was in the past, she realized proudly. She’d done what she needed to do, and would make no apologies to anyone. She’d changed and grown in these months since she’d learned she was about to become a mother. Changed into a self-sufficient, self-reliant, mature adult capable of taking care of herself and her child without anyone else’s help. And she couldn’t help but feel a profound sense of pride in her accomplishments for the first time in her life.