by Jana DeLeon
Given that I’d seen the deputy dancing at a local celebration, I had serious doubts about his balance and coordination, and he’d been completely sober at the time. But I could appreciate his desire to improve himself in order to do a better job, so I did something I never would have done before now. I took pity on him.
“It takes a really long time to get good enough to do things like what you just saw,” I said. “I’ve been training since I was three years old. But if you’re serious about learning, I could work with you a couple hours a week.”
“Really?” Deputy Breaux’s voice went up several octaves. “You’ll do it?”
“Yes, but I don’t make any promises. I’ll show you the basics, but you have to practice—a lot—or I can’t ever show you anything advanced.”
He nodded, his head bouncing up and down like a five-year-old who’d just promised to clean his room for a trip to Disney. “I’ll practice every day. And every night. I’ll be just like that American dude who kicks butt.”
“Jack Reacher?” Gertie asked.
Deputy Breaux frowned. “No. Chuck Norris. Who’s Jack Reacher?”
Gertie sighed and shook her head. “No one. Chuck Norris is probably a better fit for Sinful anyway.”
“Sure he is,” Deputy Breaux said. “I’ve seen every movie and television show he’s ever been in. He’s the baddest of the bad. I mean, except John Wayne, but since he’s dead, then Chuck Norris is the man.”
I was pretty sure I could take Chuck Norris one-handed and wearing a dress, but I let it slide. “Great. Let me know when your next day off is and we’ll get started. We’ll need to do this outside. Given that I don’t like to do intense workouts in the morning and it’s hot as heck, that means late evening. We can work in my backyard under the big oak tree. I can hose us down periodically so we don’t pass out.”
“That sounds awesome!” Deputy Breaux said. “I can’t wait. This is going to be so cool. Thank you!”
He hurried off, practically skipping, and we stared after him, Ida Belle shaking her head.
“That man is going to hurt himself with the training alone,” she said.
“Probably,” I said.
“Maybe you could give me lessons too,” Gertie said.
“Ha!” Ida Belle said. “She’s not crazy enough to take you on. Besides, if her insurance company found out she was teaching martial arts to women who walked the earth before the wheel was invented, they’d cancel her homeowner’s policy.”
Ally laughed, then sobered. “I’m sorry about Aunt Celia. God, I feel like I should just have that printed on cards and carry them around with me.”
“You are not responsible for what your aunt does,” Ida Belle said, “although I can appreciate the horror of being related to her. It’s one of the many reasons I’m thrilled I was an only child and my parents never associated with extended family. I don’t have to suffer fools simply because we share a bloodline.”
I shook my head. “I can’t see you suffering fools even if they gave birth to you.”
“I suppose that’s true enough,” Ida Belle agreed.
“Still,” Ally said. “She’s not going to give up, even if she can be convinced that you’re telling the truth. She’s fixated on you in a way I’ve never seen before.”
“It’s because of everything that got exposed this summer,” Gertie said. “Celia can’t handle knowing she married a louse and raised a floozy criminal. She needs someone to blame in order to live with herself.”
Ally nodded. “And that someone is you, Fortune. I don’t think she can manage to do something to cause real trouble for you, but I have no doubt she’ll keep trying.”
“Maybe we should start a GoFundMe to get her to leave Sinful,” Gertie said. “I bet we’d raise a pile of money.”
“There’s actually some merit to that idea,” Ida Belle said.
“I thought shooting her would be easier,” I said.
They all looked at me for a moment, and I could tell Ally wasn’t completely convinced I was joking. Even more troubling, she looked slightly hopeful.
“The woman isn’t worth wasting a bullet on,” Gertie said, “much less the death penalty.”
“There is that,” I agreed. “Well, hopefully the drama will be over long enough for Ally and me to get a hot shower and a nap.”
Ida Belle looked over at me and gave me a slight nod. She knew I wanted to get Ally safely in her own home before we tackled the problem ourselves. The hot shower wouldn’t wait, but the nap was going to have to.
We piled into Ida Belle’s SUV and dropped Ally off at her house. She gave me a hug before getting out, thanking me again for everything I’d done. She promised to try to get some sleep before returning Francine’s phone. Then we headed to my house, where Gertie volunteered to whip up some leftovers she’d brought for lunch while I jumped in the shower.
The entire time I was showering and dressing, I couldn’t stop thinking about what might have happened. But the problem was I knew next to nothing about Hooch, so all my theories were the complete and utter fictional kind. Of course, this was Sinful, so a couple of them might not be completely off the mark. Except maybe the UFO one, although I had to confess that of all the things I’d come up with, that was the one I’d like to see the most. If it was going to happen anywhere, I was betting it would be here.
By the time I got back downstairs, Gertie had sandwiches, chips, and beer on the table and we were ready to eat and hash out this whole fiasco. I took a bite of my sandwich, thanked Gertie for her ability to put together an excellent meal in a short amount of time and with little to work with, then looked at them both.
“Tell me what you know,” I said. “Your phones had to be buzzing all night with rumor and speculation. I assume you’ve separated what people know from what they think they know?”
Ida Belle glanced at Gertie, then back at me, and nodded. “We’ve had a lot of calls and we’ve discussed the offerings at length, but I’m afraid we are in agreement that no one knows anything.”
“How is that possible?” I asked. “This is Sinful and you are the hub of all information. You have earlier and better access than the local newspaper and the sheriff’s department.”
“I know,” Ida Belle said. “That’s why it’s so troubling. Usually a theory emerges that takes hold and is more workable than anything else, but in this case, all the theories are the same and none of them point to any individual over another.”
I sighed. “So everyone is on the ‘he screwed someone over’ bandwagon, and that list is long.”
Gertie nodded. “Longer than we thought. We took down twelve names that we have on good authority lost a minimum of a couple thousand to Hooch over shoddy or incomplete work. But it’s hard to imagine anyone going this far over that amount of money.”
“It’s hard for her to imagine,” Ida Belle said. “People have killed over less in the past and will continue to in the future.”
“But this isn’t some street robbery in New Orleans,” Gertie argued. “This is Sinful, and this murder was carefully planned. We know everyone on this list. If you can show me even one of them who you think was that angry and that clever, then go for it.”
Ida Belle shook her head. “Unfortunately, she has a point on that one. I know we never really know someone, but I’m having trouble casting anyone on that list as the bad guy.”
“Okay,” I said. “So cover them all with me. I probably don’t know some of them and those I do, not very well, so I come into this with few preconceived notions about the suspects.”
Ida Belle pulled out her phone and accessed her notes. “Gertie and I did a quick-and-dirty check this morning and I think we can eliminate six of the people on the list. One is confined to a wheelchair, two work petroleum and are offshore, and two are a husband and wife who are on vacation.”
“That’s five,” I said.
“Ally is on the list,” Ida Belle said. “I wanted to be accurate.”
“Of cour
se,” I said. “Okay, that’s good. Cuts it in half anyway.”
“Assuming it’s even someone on that list,” Gertie said.
“We have to start somewhere,” I said. “What’s the worst that can happen? We eliminate six more Sinful residents from the pool?”
Gertie nodded. “I guess that’s true. This detective work seems sorta slow though.”
“We can’t always run around blowing up things and getting shot at,” Ida Belle said.
“I guess not,” Gertie said wistfully.
Ida Belle looked at me and shook her head. “Anyway, first up on the list is interesting, but unfortunately, I don’t think she’s our perp. It’s Celia.”
I perked up. “Celia? I guess it’s not surprising that she would get taken by Hooch given her awful taste in men. But I have to agree with you that she’s an unlikely candidate for first-degree murder.”
“Unless she plotted to hold those big panties of hers over your face,” Gertie said.
Ida Belle grinned. “I’m pretty sure Myrtle’s cousin would have noticed a big pair of panties over Hooch’s head. And as much as I’d love to cast Celia as the bad guy, I don’t see it. I know she’s a complete horror but even if I bought her being able to plot and carry out a murder, I still don’t think she’s awful enough to do it in a way that would put Ally in the hot seat.”
Gertie nodded. “She’s probably trying to salvage what’s left of her family’s reputation. A lost cause, if you ask me. Ally is the only one who was ever worth a hoot.”
“So one more eliminated,” I said. “Who are the rest?”
“Pastor Don, Francine, Dixie, Ricky Marks, and your buddy Ronald.”
I clasped my hands together and looked upward. “Please, God, let it be Ronald.”
Ronald Franklin was my next-door neighbor and all-around kook. We had a love-hate relationship—he loved to hate me. Most recently we’d had a run-in over Godzilla, who chased Ronald up a tree in my backyard and caused him to ruin his shoes. His red high-heeled pumps. A Confederate soldier’s uniform had completed his outfit.
“I definitely don’t put Ronald in the clever enough category,” Gertie said.
“True,” I said, “but a girl can still dream. Okay, so Pastor Don is probably not a good fit. I think he’s clever enough and hey, I’m not foolish enough to discount someone as a murderer simply because he’s a religious leader, but I just don’t see it.”
“I don’t either,” Ida Belle said. “But until we have an alibi, he remains on the list of possibilities. I think we should approach this the same way the police do. So essentially, everyone is a suspect until eliminated. But I agree we shouldn’t waste much time looking into him.”
“Or Francine,” I said. “I know, opportunity and all, and as soon as Carter hears she got shafted by Hooch, I have no doubt she’ll be in the hot seat for questioning just like Ally. But I’m still not putting her up for this, even with motive and opportunity.”
“But the ADA might,” Gertie said.
“If it comes down to that, I’ll get my lawyer friend on the job,” I said. “At least we know the legal end of things is covered.”
Ida Belle nodded. “It’s really good that you have someone like that on your side. Given our past exploits and future plans, he might come in handy.”
I was hoping not, but I was also a realist. “Who is Ricky Marks?” I asked. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard that name before.”
“No one knows much about him,” Ida Belle said. “He’s a roughneck and fairly new to town. Rents an old farmhouse some ways out in the sticks. Walter probably sees him more than anyone. He comes in every week or two to stock up on groceries.”
“Why is he on the list?” I asked.
“Because one of the Sinful Ladies tried to pump him for information in town one day,” Ida Belle said. “She claimed he refused to look her in the eye and seemed ready to bolt over the most basic of inquiry.”
“Basically,” Gertie said, “she thinks he’s hiding something. And let’s face it, he probably is. But that doesn’t mean it’s anything about Hooch.”
“He’s an unknown subject,” I said, “so we’ll look into it. We should talk to Walter and see what else he can tell us. But I don’t see him being much of a suspect given that he’s new and renting. He wouldn’t have hired Hooch for anything.”
“I wouldn’t think so,” Ida Belle agreed. “But Hooch likes to gamble. Locals know better than to play with him. He cheats.”
“Naturally,” I said.
“But a new guy in town might have gotten taken over a card game or something,” Ida Belle said. “It’s a long shot, I know, but we don’t have many suspects so I figured might as well keep him on the list.”
“Overall, this collection of names isn’t all that promising,” I said. “But we’ll alibi them anyway. More importantly, I think we need to expand our search. Did Hooch own anything of value? And if so, who gets it?”
Ida Belle nodded. “Money is a prime motivator but in Hooch’s case, I’m not sure that angle works. He sold his house in town after his wife left and moved to his camp. I figure he’s already drunk away the money from the sale of the house. The camp is not any more impressive than any other camp you’ve been in, so I can’t fathom it being worth killing over. But then, I’ve been surprised and dismayed by people before and probably will be again.”
“And who inherits?” I asked.
Ida Belle shrugged. “Unless Hooch left a will, which I would find surprising, I assume his son.”
“Anyone seen the son or ex-wife recently?” I asked.
“I haven’t seen either since they left town,” Gertie said. “I’m not sure anyone has. At least, not in Sinful. It wasn’t exactly an amicable parting.”
“Given what I know about Hooch,” I said, “I can’t imagine it was an amicable coupling.”
“That’s true enough,” Gertie said. “Most people never understood why Margarita took up with Hooch. But if you paid attention, it wasn’t that hard to figure out.”
I stared. “Margarita?”
Gertie nodded. “Her mother’s favorite drink. Her father leaned more toward straight whiskey or rotgut moonshine. I don’t think it was an easy household to live in, even though her parents kept their drinking problems pretty much on the down-low. But a teacher notices things, and long sleeves in the summer in Louisiana isn’t a common thing.”
“You think her father beat them,” I said.
“That’s the general consensus of the observant,” Ida Belle said.
“So why didn’t anyone do anything about it?” I asked.
“Didn’t have time to,” Gertie said. “Margarita’s family moved to the area her senior year of high school. She turned eighteen during the school year and before any signs of the abuse came out. I contacted social services once I suspected what was happening, but they wouldn’t send a case worker for an adult unless they were incapacitated physically or mentally.”
“She hooked up with Hooch during her senior year and married him right after graduation,” Ida Belle said. “Her father worked oil field construction, and they moved that summer when the job moved again.”
“So Margarita jumped on the first opportunity to get out of her parents’ house,” I said.
Ida Belle nodded. “She was a shy girl and average-looking. Choices of males in Sinful are limited to begin with but if you’re not a cheerleader, you’re unlikely to snag the best of the lot. Hooch was older by a couple years and worked a regular job at the time. His parents had retired early and moved to Mexico. They transferred their house over to him and he had a small note on it.”
“So from Margarita’s standpoint, Hooch looked like a catch.” I shook my head. “That is a depressing commentary on the state of dating in Sinful.”
“Tell me about it,” Gertie said. “You and Ida Belle have the only decent available men locked up.”
“Technically,” I said, “Carter had me locked up.”
They both laughe
d.
“Touché,” Gertie said.
“I don’t have anyone locked up,” Ida Belle protested.
Gertie waved a hand in dismissal. “Please. Walter will go to the grave pining after you. No matter how many times you turn him down.”
“That’s his choice,” Ida Belle said, “and none of my doing.”
“All talk of eligible bachelors aside,” I said, “does anyone know how to get in touch with Hooch’s son?”
Gertie looked at Ida Belle and they both shook their heads. “Not that I know of,” Ida Belle said. “I can ask my ladies, but I think if anyone knew they would have already mentioned it.”
“Won’t Carter have to do that?” Gertie asked.
“Of course,” I said, “but Carter won’t give us any information on Hooch’s ex or his son. And I think we should do some checking around, just in case they’re in dire need of the paltry funds an old camp would bring. Or in case Hooch is one of those crazy millionaires with money in his mattress. But we need something to go on—a city of residence for starters.”
Gertie waved her hand at my laptop. “You’re good with the Google thing. Maybe you can find them online.”
“I’ll definitely try,” I said. “Give me the names.”
“Margarita Livingston was her maiden name,” Gertie said. “Never knew of a middle name. Their son is Boone Carre Jr.”
“Is it safe to assume Hooch is Boone Sr.?” I asked.
“It’s probably never safe to assume much in Sinful,” Ida Belle said, “but in this case that is correct.”
I nodded. “Then I’ll do some digging and see what I can come up with. You guys check your sources and see if anyone knows what Margarita and Junior have been up to since they left town.”
“Sounds like a plan,” Gertie said. “But we don’t have to start on it right away, do we? I mean, Ally’s out of jail and Carter’s not likely to put her back in, and as long as you don’t go kicking his truck then you’re in the clear…”
Ida Belle narrowed her eyes. “What are you up to, old woman?”
“I’m not old,” Gertie said. “I’m just in my third act.”