by Jana DeLeon
“That was an accident,” Gertie said.
Camo staggered a bit and blinked to help his focus. I could tell he was easily a six-pack past rational thought, assuming he was capable of it in the first place. I hurried in their direction, hoping I could intervene before Gertie got ideas of her own. But since the jukebox wasn’t playing, everyone had stopped dancing and was now crowding toward the fight, making moving through them a slow process.
“That nun was my great-aunt,” Camo Dude said as he stepped right in Gertie’s face. “She had to be sedated.”
“I’m really sorry,” Gertie. “But you need to step back.”
“Or what?” he asked.
Oh no!
I couldn’t see her reach, but I knew that tone. Something was coming out of the purse of doom. There was no way I was going to get to her in time to stop it. All I could do was pray that it wasn’t something that would take down the entire bar.
A second later, the screaming started. And it wasn’t Gertie.
Chapter Twenty-One
I shoved the remaining cluster of spectators to the side as Camo Dude started to twitch. I knew that motion. I made a big launch at Gertie’s hand and grabbed the Taser from her. Camo Dude staggered backward as I clutched Gertie’s arm and yanked her through the crowd. Ida Belle hurried in front of us, paving the way. I saw Whiskey standing at the bar, grinning, and lifted a hand to wave as we hurried outside.
I released Gertie’s arm on the porch and we ran down the steps. As soon as our feet hit dirt I heard the door of the bar slam against the wall and Camo Dude hollering behind us.
“Run!” I yelled.
Ida Belle had already started sprinting ahead of us. As the getaway driver, it was important that she reach the vehicle first and prepare to launch us out of the swamp. This was one of those times when her ridiculously fast vehicle and her penchant for wanting to test its limits came in handy. Gertie and I took off after Ida Belle. I could hear running behind us. I just hoped Camo Dude was too drunk and out of shape to pursue us at any speed.
Ida Belle already had the SUV running when we reached it. I jumped inside and saw Camo Dude closing in on us at an alarming rate. Gertie jumped into the back seat but before Ida Belle could tear out of there, Camo Dude jumped on the front of the SUV.
This was so not good.
I could practically see steam coming out of Ida Belle’s head. I knew there was no way Camo Dude could have damaged the vehicle. It had this huge brush guard on the front that could take down a small water buffalo without so much as creating a dent. But that wasn’t going to prevent Ida Belle from taking it as a personal assault on her baby.
“I got this,” Gertie yelled and pulled a .45 out of her purse.
I reached back over the console to grab the gun. At the same time, Ida Belle punched the gas. As the SUV launched forward, I flew into the back seat, still clutching the .45. I managed to right myself and saw Camo Dude clinging to the brush guard. Actually, hanging on for dear life was a better description at this point. His eyes were wide and all the color had drained from his face.
“I think he’s learned his lesson,” I said, not even sure we were actually on the road. “You can let him off.”
Ida Belle whipped the SUV around a set of trees so fast the back tires lost traction, which was both impressive and a little scary given that it was a four-wheel drive vehicle. Suddenly, a set of headlights blinded us and Ida Belle slammed on the brakes. I launched back over the console and crashed into the dash before falling into the passenger floorboard.
“Uh-oh,” I heard Gertie say as I scrambled to right myself.
I looked out the windshield and saw Camo Dude splayed out on the hood of the vehicle that had blinded us. And Gertie’s disclaimer made perfect sense.
Carter stepped out of his truck and went to check Camo Dude. I held my breath until he twitched, then let it all out in a whoosh as Carter helped him off the hood and sat him down on the side of the road. Then he strode for my window. I pressed the button to lower it as he stepped up next to the vehicle and glared.
“You want to tell me why you’re driving around with a man as a hood ornament?” he asked.
“He chased us out of the bar and jumped on the front of my SUV,” Ida Belle said.
Carter raised one eyebrow. “And you thought driving at the speed of sound with him perched on the front was a good idea, then slamming on the brakes was a good idea?”
“Well, he’s not on the front of my vehicle anymore,” Ida Belle said.
“You could have killed him,” he said.
“I seriously doubt it,” Ida Belle said. “I wasn’t going that fast, and besides, you know how drunks are. They don’t break when they fall. Besides, if he didn’t want to be taken for a ride, he shouldn’t have jumped onto my personal property, potentially damaging it.”
Carter closed his eyes for a moment and sighed. “And would you like to tell me why he decided to take an unscheduled ride on your front bumper?”
“He was chasing Gertie,” I said.
“Of course he was,” he said.
“The defrocked nun is his great-aunt,” I said.
Gertie leaned over the console. “I told him it was an accident, but he wouldn’t let it go, even after I Tasered him.”
“You what?” Carter asked.
I clamped a hand over Gertie’s mouth. “Even after she apologized,” I said.
“That crazy bitch assaulted a nun,” Camo Dude yelled. “I want you to arrest her and the other one for running me over.”
Carter turned around. “Shut up or I’ll arrest you for drunk and disorderly and private property damage. See how that works?”
Camo Dude grumbled a couple of expletives, but I noticed he didn’t try to rise from his spot.
“I don’t suppose you’re going to tell me what you were doing at the Swamp Bar?” Carter asked.
“Having a drink,” Ida Belle said. “That’s sorta what bars are known for.”
“But that’s not the reason you three are known for going,” he said. “Look, I got a call about a disturbance here and if I’d known you guys were here, I wouldn’t have even bothered to make the drive.”
“What if we needed help?” Gertie said.
“Ha!” Carter laughed. “I think you’ve got that reversed. When you guys are at the Swamp Bar, it’s everyone else who needs help. Go. Leave. Before I change my mind about arresting you and throw you in the clink with the nun’s nephew.”
“What are you arresting me for?” Camo Dude asked.
“I’m just giving you a place to sleep it off,” Carter said. “Then you can rethink attacking seniors over that situation with your aunt.”
“My aunt is a senior,” Camo Dude said.
“And she has God in her corner,” Carter said. “Do you think he needs your help?”
Ida Belle made the drive to Sinful in record time. Because Ally was at my house, we elected to meet at Ida Belle’s. Normally, we would have picked Gertie’s because she was more likely to have tasty baked goods, but Ida Belle and I figured her house probably still held the faint smell of skunk in the morning and took a pass. Ida Belle had a package of Oreos, so that was good enough.
Gertie put on coffee to brew and Ida Belle placed the cookies and some napkins on the table. I grabbed some cookies and popped a whole one in my mouth.
“Did anyone get anything?” I mumbled, my mouth full of cookie.
They both nodded. I pointed at Ida Belle. “You’re up,” I said.
“I was talking to one of the guys I deer hunt with sometimes,” Ida Belle said. “He said Hooch was in there drunk a couple weeks ago, bragging about how one of these days, he’d buy all of Sinful, including the bar.”
“I guess the term ‘inflation’ was lost on him,” I said.
“There were a whole lot of things lost on him,” Ida Belle said. “Anyway, the guys ribbed him about making up stories but he stuck by his tale.”
“Did any of them believe him?” I as
ked, wondering if Ricky had started asking about Hooch before or after he began bragging about his big payday.
Ida Belle shook her head. “Which is why none of them asked for details. Of course, now that he’s been murdered, they’re all wondering.”
“I think everyone’s wondering,” Gertie said. “My plumber said basically the same thing. Hooch claimed he was going to be rich soon and was going to spend the rest of his life sitting on a beach in Costa Rica with a cold beer and a hot woman.”
“That’s more affordable than buying all of Sinful,” I said.
“Not the hot woman,” Gertie said. “A hot woman can cost a fortune, especially if she has to hang out with a guy like Hooch. But that’s not the most interesting part. My plumber said he used to talk to a hotshot driver for the oil companies while he was working on a commercial job at the motel and that guy dated Margarita.”
“I knew she was lying about the dating,” I said.
“How did her name even come up?” Ida Belle asked.
“My plumber told the driver where he was from, and the driver said he used to date a woman from Sinful and gave her name. My plumber remembered her, of course, and asked how she was doing. The driver said he guessed she was doing okay but he didn’t like the company she was keeping.”
“What kind of company was that?” Ida Belle said.
“He said she took up with some biker dudes,” Gertie said. “She claimed they were just friends but she spent a lot of time down at their bar. The driver was on probation so he decided to cut ties with her. He was afraid something her friends were up to might fall out on him.”
Ida Belle shook her head. “It doesn’t really surprise me that Margarita gravitated toward a rough bunch. Between her dad and Hooch, she’s probably locked in on a type.”
“Also explains why she didn’t want Junior to know,” Gertie said.
“I don’t understand,” I said. “I would think she’d learn what type of men to avoid because it always brings her heartache.”
“You would think that,” Gertie said, “but people tend to crave the familiar, even when it’s not good for them.”
I frowned. Was that what I was doing with Carter? Gravitating toward a man like my father? That was a particularly upsetting thought and one I’d have to process when I was alone and not trying to solve a murder.
“Did you get anything?” Ida Belle asked me.
“Boy, did I.”
First, I told them about my conversation with Whiskey and Hooch’s fight with Ricky Marks. When they were done exclaiming over that one, I launched into my chat with Dixie.
“Dixie was dating Hooch?” Gertie said. “Talk about getting hit by one out of left field.”
Ida Belle nodded. “I definitely did not see that one coming.”
“So this information is great,” I said, “but it’s also a problem.”
“Because now we have two really good suspects,” Ida Belle said.
“You don’t really think Dixie killed Hooch for cheating on her, do you?” Gertie said. “I mean, it’s Hooch. Hardly the loss of the century.”
I thought about Dixie’s expression when she called me a Barbie bitch and explained how women like her didn’t have the same options as women like me. “Maybe it was enough of a loss to Dixie,” I said.
“Anything is possible,” Ida Belle said. “So what now?”
“Bed,” I said, and rose from my chair. “Then tomorrow, we figure out a way to get the scoop on Ricky Marks. He’s the big unknown.”
It was an uneventful night. Or I guess I should say the rest of the night. Or early morning if you wanted to get really specific. I managed to sleep until eight, then headed downstairs where I found banana nut bread and the coffeepot staged. All I had to do was press the button. Ally had left me a note saying she had the early shift at the café and would see me later.
I sent Ida Belle and Gertie a text and suggested we have breakfast at the café and then chat with Walter about Ricky Marks, as he was the only person we knew who had interacted with him on a regular basis. I heard back from both of them within seconds and we arranged for Ida Belle to pick us up in thirty minutes. That gave me plenty of time to consume the pot of coffee and at least a quarter of the banana nut bread. I promised myself I’d eat something healthy at the café.
I was waiting on the porch when Ida Belle pulled up. We all looked a little worse for the wear but considering how badly things could have gone the night before, we were doing all right. Ida Belle made the short drive to the café and Ally waved us to our usual table at the back and hurried off to get our drink orders. Margarita and Junior were sitting at the table next to ours. They both looked tired and frustrated.
We took our seats and extended morning greetings to Margarita and Junior. They were polite but unenthusiastic in their response.
“I take it things aren’t progressing?” Ida Belle asked.
Margarita sighed. “I’m afraid not. We just came from talking to Carter. Apparently, Hooch owed people money and they plan on putting liens on the estate.”
She laughed. “Estate. It sounds funny even using that word in reference to Hooch. Anyway, the cops don’t want any liability, so they’re sending an appraiser out tomorrow to see if there’s anything of value inside the house. I imagine they’ll come back with a recommendation to burn it down.”
“I’m sorry this has become more difficult than you imagined,” Ida Belle said.
“Sort of the story of my life when it comes to Hooch,” Margarita said. “I guess I shouldn’t have expected any different.”
“Do you need help making the funeral arrangements?” Ida Belle asked. “Gertie and I would be happy to assist.”
“Thank you, but Junior and I will handle that today. Hooch didn’t leave any instructions regarding his death so we’ve elected to have him cremated. It sounds crass, but it’s the cheapest way to go. We’ll pour his ashes in the bayou. That’s where he loved to be most, so now he can rest there forever.”
Ida Belle nodded. “Well, if there’s anything else we can do… Both Gertie and I have spare rooms if you’d like to get out of that hotel. I can’t imagine it’s all that comfortable.”
“The beds are horrible,” Margarita said. “I’ll probably need a chiropractor when I get back home, but hopefully, it’s only for one more night. As soon as the appraiser sees there’s nothing of value, we can list the property and let the courts settle up with those Hooch owed money when it sells. If it ever sells. I hope no one is holding their breath.”
“I can’t imagine they would be,” Gertie said. “Not if they knew Hooch well at all.”
“If they knew him that well,” Margarita said, “they wouldn’t have put themselves in a situation where Hooch owed them money.”
“That’s true enough,” Ida Belle said.
Margarita shook her head. “I’ll just be glad to get back home. Both Junior and I need to get back to work. Sitting here isn’t paying the bills.”
“Well, at least let us get your breakfast,” Ida Belle said. “Then we’d feel like we’re doing something.”
Margarita smiled. “That’s the one thing I miss about Sinful—the graciousness. You don’t see much of that in cities.”
The door to the café opened and I looked up to see Carter walk inside. He scanned the room and headed right toward us.
“What now?” I asked, my voice low. I elbowed Ida Belle, who looked over and frowned as she spotted Carter approaching. He did not look happy.
I was just running through a list of potential excuses, for what, I had no idea, when he stopped in front of Margarita and Junior.
“I’m really sorry,” he said, “but there’s been an incident at the motel. Several of the rooms were broken into this morning, yours included. We need everyone to check and see if anything’s been taken.”
“Good grief!” Margarita said. “Like we need more trouble.”
“I can give you a lift if you’d like,” Carter said.
“No
,” Margarita said as she rose. “We were finished anyway. We’ll drive.”
Carter nodded. “The state police will meet you there. I’m sorry to interrupt your breakfast.”
“Thank you for picking up the tab,” Margarita said to Ida Belle. “You ladies have a nice day.”
Junior gave us a nod and they hurried out of the café. Carter watched them leave, then turned back to us. “I trust you have recovered from your night of flinging men from your vehicle?”
“As there was no damage to my SUV, I slept quite well,” Ida Belle said. “Thank you for asking.”
Carter nodded. “Unfortunately, there is the small matter of the dent in the hood of my truck. I assume I can forward the repair bill to you.”
“I’ll take it,” I said. “I’m already buying a mirror anyway. No use having to split things up.”
“What happened at the motel?” Gertie asked.
Carter shrugged. “Petty theft, looks like. A couple people reported their rooms were broken into while they were at breakfast. Margarita and Junior’s room was one of them. The front desk clerk had seen them leave earlier and gave me a call, figuring they might be here taking care of things.”
“Was anything taken?” Gertie asked.
“The usual. Some money lying around. A cell phone. A wedding band.” Carter shook his head. “That guy’s in a world of trouble. He wasn’t there with his wife.”
“Ouch,” Ida Belle said.
He gave us all a hard look. “I don’t suppose I could convince you to stay home today and knit or something?”
“You will never convince me to knit,” I said.
“You know what I mean,” Carter said.
“Yes,” I said, “and you know we’re not about to agree to that.”
He sighed. “At least try to keep from stripping people, especially religious people. And no more riding around with guys on your brush guard.”
“I think we can probably manage those two,” I said.
“Probably?”