But he didn’t want to think about that. Even now in the midst of his rage, he realized he had let it go, some time in the past. Dion simply didn’t matter any more. He never really had. He hadn’t been worth it then, and he certainly wasn’t worth it now. The only reason he let it bother him so much was sheer jealousy…and anger, for her. Because look how that bastard had treated her afterward. Some anger, directed at himself…if he had known her sooner, could he have protected her from that?
Hell, it doesn’t matter now. Didn’t matter that the bastard had spread rumors, spread lies, pulled a million and one cruel jokes on her, or that he’d run her off the road…a snarl twisted his mouth and he wondered why in the hell he’d never kicked Dion’s ass for that.
His thoughts jumped around, leaving that and returning to the porch, where she had told him, I don’t want them on me
Didn’t want him touching her, didn’t want his love…didn’t want him.
Nikki’s words replayed over in his mind, like a broken record he couldn’t turn off. She had finally said what was on her mind, and in her heart. If she had done so from the beginning, maybe he wouldn’t have wasted all this time trying to get her back.
Wade conveniently forgot that she had been telling him, time after time, just that; he just decided not to listen.
“Hell, Wade. It’s better this way. You know where you stand with the woman, now you can get over her,” he told himself, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel.
Like hell.
Somewhere around three that afternoon, he entered Jefferson County and stopped at the first red neck bar he saw. Ready to get drunk and rowdy and pick a fight. Under the midday sun, the cinder block structure looked about as tacky and cheap as they come The parking lot was littered with cigarette butts and broken glass.
Only a few vehicles were there, a couple of beat up pick up trucks and a Cadillac that looked to have been pieced together from other various colored Cadillacs.
All in all, it was a classic red neck dive.
It suited his mood to a tee.
Stomping in, he ordered a shot of whiskey. Tawdry neon lights glowed above a mirror that had more cracks than not. There were only a few customers, the bartender and a bored looking waitress who popped her gum as she tossed Wade a disinterested stare before turning her attention back to the TV.
Two grubby men in overalls shot pool while another sat listlessly at the bar, drinking beer and staring into space.
The bartender, an old man with more hair under his nose that on his head, eyed Wade knowingly. “A woman?” he asked, his voice raspy from years of whiskey and smoke as he poured cheap whiskey into a glass only the most careless of dishwashers could call clean.
What in the hell is it with people? Wanting to talk about things you’d rather let die.
Tossing the shot down, Wade grimaced as it burned a path to his stomach, deliberating whether he wanted to ignore the bartender or not.
“I guess you could say that,” he finally muttered. Tapping the glass again, he waited until it was full and then he held it up in a salute. “I’m bidding her a fond farewell.”
“Leave her, did you? Or did you get kicked out?” he asked.
“Left her. The way she’s wanted all along. Better off without her anyway. Contrary mouthy little bitch,” he muttered. The shot glass, once again, was full. Lifting it, he stared morosely into it as though it held the answers to all his problems.
The bartender spoke, disturbing him. “You know, looking the way you do, you may be better off with her. You’re shit-faced in love with her, whoever she is,” he said, watching Wade with knowing eyes.
“Me, I’d just as soon live without one. But some guys just ain’t fashioned that way. They got somebody special that they just can’t get outta their heads. I’d reckon she’s well and firmly planted in yours. Mebbe you oughta go back, see if you can smooth things out.”
“She don’t want me.” Already, the cheap liquor had shot to his head, worsened by too little sleep and no food. Pressing the cool glass to his forehead, he sighed with relief as sharp edged emotions started to dull. “She don’t want me, or my little girl. Don’t want anything to do with us.”
“Ya sure ‘bout that?”
“Been asking her for months. She finally gave me an answer.” One he wasn’t sure he could live with. One he wished to God he hadn’t heard.
Wished he had never seen her in the store that day. Wished he had never met her.
His heart felt as though it had been ripping out of his chest, and thrown, still beating, on the floor.
He sure as hell wasn’t going to ask again.
* * *
Nikki sat in the passenger seat, her eyes dry and itching. She knew without looking that she was pale and wan looking. Shawn kept sending her worried little glances and she knew he didn’t want to be driving her to the airport. He wasn’t happy about her traipsing off, away from home, and alone, in her current mood.
“How long are you planning to stay?” he asked, his eyes flicking from the road to her. Accordingly, the black Bronco drifted right.
“Watch the road, Shawn,” she snapped, one hand instinctively bracing against the dash. As he corrected the vehicle, she answered, “I don’t know. I guess I’ll stay until I feel like coming home.”
“What is so important in New York?” he asked, frowning, keeping his eyes on the road.
“A better question would be what isn’t there, Shawn. Now just let it go, okay?” she answered wearily, reaching up to rub at her temple. Damn but her head hurt.
“Y’know running away ain’t going to solve anything. It’s not going to keep you from still loving him. It’s not going to change that you want him.” Shawn kept his eyes fixed on the road this time, a certain sign of how uncomfortable he was with discussing emotions. “Being in New York isn’t going to change any of that. It’s still going to be here when you get home.”
Nikki remained silent. How could she explain that she needed someplace safe, someplace where she wouldn’t see him, as she licked her wounds and tried to start all over again. She needed time to let her heal a little, as well as her pride. She knew she wasn’t going to get over Wade, not now. Not ever. But she needed some distance from him, time to rebuild her shattered defenses.
Nikki needed the bliss of not thinking about the wreck her life had become. Kirsten lived a in a social whirlwind and would pull Nikki inside it.
It wouldn’t solve her problems, but maybe if she kept busy enough, she could forget, for just a little while. Right now, she was too raw to think about it, to try to put things into perspective.
In a while, after time had dulled the edges a bit, Nikki would think about it, and how stupid she had been.
* * *
“Ms. Evress said to go on in, Miss Kline,” Grace said quietly.
Nikki started, looking up. She rubbed her eyes and blinked before scooping up her purse and striding into the office. Bright sunlight poured in through the windows, momentarily blinding her.
The room was done in colors of rose, green and ivory, making Nikki think of cool English gardens. The carpet was plush, a deep forest green hue, ivory colored walls decorated with lovely watercolors. The furniture was all varying shades of rose from palest blush pink to the darkest shade imaginable.
The office was delicate, feminine, soothing. It was also as unlike Kirsten as anything Nikki could imagine. Nikki knew the decorating had been Kris’ mom’s idea, and only out of love for her mother had Kris left it alone With the exception of the fact that room was obviously designed for a female, and Kris was female, it so didn’t suit Kris.
Nikki had met both of Kris’s parents and often wondered how such an exotic take charge woman had sprouted from the laid back, soft spoken Mr. and Mrs. James Evress, III. Neither of the elder Evress’ stood taller than five foot seven. Her mother, in fact, was shorter than Nikki. Both had plain brown hair, plain brown eyes, pleasantly bland features. While her father was a shark in the bu
siness world, he was, socially, very soft spoken and mild. She doubted Kirsten’s mother could make a decision on her own.
Kirsten stood a strapping five foot ten and had the hourglass figure of a 1940’s actress. Long thick naturally red hair was generally worn in a French twist, leaving her face unframed. High arched brows, a nose that was just the right length, a full mouth that could smile or snarl with equal effectiveness. By far, her exotic cat green eyes were her most beautiful, and most intimidating feature. Those eyes could turn from the warmth of springtime to the coldness of winter in less than a second.
All in all, she was a very impressive figure. Nikki sometimes couldn’t quite understand exactly why they were the best of friends.
Just now, she was settled behind her massive oak desk, speaking into the phone. She saw Nikki, smiled and held up a slim hand to indicate she’d only be a few minutes. Nikki took advantage of that to dart into the bathroom.
A few moments later, she was staring at her pale reflection. It wasn’t the creamy paleness of Kirsten’s, but the chalk white of exhaustion. Her eyes had huge dark circles under them and lines of strain radiating out. She had slept exactly three hours the previous night. The hotel bed in Louisville had been comfortable enough but she had spent the night watching pay-per-view movies, unable to let her body relax enough to sleep.
If she slept, she’d start dreaming.
And she badly needed to not dream. Her dreams mocked her now, taunting her with what she might have been able to have again, if she could have just stopped being so arrogantly cold.
As she splashed cold water on her face, Nikki wondered if Shawn had gotten her Bronco home in one piece. She sincerely hoped so. He had a habit of driving too fast. There wasn’t a cop in the county who hadn’t cited him at least once.
After drying her face, she dug out the makeup kit she had brought in hopes of fooling Kirsten she didn’t look as bad as she felt. It would be a total waste of time, but at least she tried. As she put it back in, her fingers brushed a small bottle and she tugged the prescription medicine out with a scowl. She’d forgotten to take that damned pill again.
Running a small cup of tap water, she swallowed the pill, with a silent reminder for why she had to taken them.
Not only was her heart broken, it was damaged too. Those pills were a necessity now.
Taking a deep breath, Nikki left the safe haven of the bathroom to face Kirsten. The only bad thing about running up here to hide was that she would have to explain it to her friend. She wasn’t looking forward to that.
***
Kirsten sat patiently at her desk, waiting. The older woman had missed nothing about Nikki’s appearance when she had entered the room. She was pale, subdued and drained. Make up, rarely worn, but expertly applied almost hid the circles under her eyes. If one didn’t look closely, she might appear fine.
But to Kris’s experienced eyes, her friend was just barely hanging on. Her eyes looked vaguely wild and wounded. Her mouth was set in a thin straight line, but Kris could see the unhappiness there. The woman before her bore too much resemblance to the woman she had found closed up in her house on the hill after she’d awoken from a coma to find out her child was dead.
Kris had been certain she’d lose her then. Nikki simply hadn’t cared about life at that point. She wasn’t taking her medicine, she wasn’t eating – nothing mattered to her anymore.
“Well, sugar, you don’t look at all happy to see me,” Kirsten said softly, cocking her head and studying her friend.
Settling in a cushy leather chair, crossing one silk clad leg over the other, she raised her eyes and met the cat green gaze that saw far too deeply. She smoothed down the pale green skirt with one hand and plucked imaginary lint from the coordinating jacket before she sighed. “Wade and I had a fight.”
“I didn’t realize you had gotten back together.”
“We hadn’t,” Nikki said softly, her voice husky. “And it’s not likely to ever happen now. I really blew it, Kris.”
“I thought you weren’t interested in getting back with him,” Kirsten said, frowning.
“I didn’t realize I was until it was too late,” Nikki murmured. Kirsten watched as Nikki stared down at her hands, closing them into tight fists, anger and misery rolling off her in. “Or maybe I did, and I just wanted to punish him for what happened. Maybe I let things go on longer than they should have. Maybe I just needed a little more time.” With a deep sigh, she added, “I guess maybe I should have told him that before things got so out of hand.”
In short terse sentences, she explained the fight, leaving out nothing. “So now he’s decided he doesn’t want me after all He kept pushing and pushing for an answer. I wasn’t ready. I’m still not,” she said, sighing. After moments of silence, she added, “Not that it matters now.”
Her slanted eyes flashing with anger, Kirsten hissed, “After what he did, he owes you all the time in the world. Who in the hell does he think he is?”
“Kris, don’t. I made things harder than I should have, said things I shouldn’t have. I bungled it as badly as he did. I was too damn stubborn to give him a chance, too afraid of getting hurt. He made mistakes. I made mistakes.” Reaching up, she rubbed the heel of her hand across her chest, faintly surprised to find her heart still beating. “I just couldn’t forgive him.”
Moving around her desk, Kirsten went and settled on the arm of the chair, wrapping a maternal arm around the younger woman’s shoulders. Clucking sympathetically, she stroked her hair back from her face. “Not everybody could, sweetie. He hurt you bad,” Kirsten said softly.
“And I hurt him just as bad. Maybe now we’re even. And that’s all I’m going to say about it.”
Kristen opened her mouth one more time, only to close it, leaving her words unsaid. She studied Nikki’s wan face, knowing it would be useless to argue with her or try to get her to tell her any more than she already had. Rising to her feet, she studied Nicole with her slanted cat green eyes. Settling on a safer subject, she said, “Maybe I can finally talk you into going shopping. Check into a spa for the full treatment and go buy out Saks. I told you that when I got you up here next that was what I was going to do.”
Nikki flashed a bright, fake smile and said, “Here I am. Ready and willing.”
Arching a slim perfect brow, Kirsten asked, “Willing?”
“Well. I’m here, isn’t that enough?”
Chapter Seven
I don’t want them on me.
“Idiot. Fool,” Wade muttered under his breath as after his partner lost the toss and trudged into the little diner to get their lunches. Over a week had passed and the words that had tormented him into walking way still haunted him both day and night.
But now they only served to remind him of what a jackass he was. As rain splattered down on the windshield, he listened with half an ear to the radio as he muttered more accusations at himself.
If only he hadn’t been pushing so hard. She would have come around sooner or later. Nikki had all but admitted that. If Wade was totally honest, he could admit he had been waiting for years, ever since Jamie had died, hoping against hope that would have another chance; what harm would a few more weeks, a few months, had done?
With a ragged sigh, Wade closed his eyes and let his head fall against the back of the seat. His eyes were reddened and bloodshot, dark circles beneath his eyes emphasizing his haggard look. He couldn’t keep going on snatches of sleep. His job wouldn’t let it.
His heart wouldn’t let him just let go, even though his pride insisted that he not go crawling. And that was probably what it would take. He had been a total ass. About all of it.
His mouth compressed as he remembered Nikki’s harsh words against Jamie, the first she had given voice to. It made him angry, hell, yes; that was Abby’s mother, his childhood friend.
But how could he not expect Nikki to harbor resentment? Throughout the entire time that Jamie had pursued Wade, Nikki had kept her cool, kept her mouth closed, and her w
its about her. God knew, if Nikki had been of a mind to, she could have ripped Jamie into so many pieces, there wouldn’t be enough left to bury.
The blow up he had expected the night he told her of Jamie hadn’t happened.
How long had Wade expected her to keep the lid on her temper? With a grimace, he remembered how blind with fury he had been when Nikki had been dating the blond mechanic, how murderous he had felt before he had recognized Shawn. He was lucky Nikki had kept it to words and had held her tongue this long.
The door swung open, letting in the rain-drenched air as J.D. swung into the cab of the ambulance, two bagged lunches in hand. “Here you go, one gourmet hamburger, complete with grease, saturated fat, and sodium. A walking heart attack. And to top that off, there’s fries to go with it.”
“Thanks,” Wade mumbled, taking the bag with a noted lack of enthusiasm. He wasn’t hungry. Everything tasted pretty much the same, like sawdust. Things weren’t going to get any better, he knew, until he resolved this with Nicole.
“—so here I was, in bed stark naked with this girl, and the Pope is pounding on the door,” J.D. said, around a mouth full of food. “I ended up jumping out of the fifth floor window, wearing her pink robe and a pair of bedroom slippers. Elvis caught me when I landed and we took a trip out to Vegas.”
Glancing up, Wade frowned. Had J.D. been talking long? He couldn’t remember a damn word that had been said. “Pardon?”
“I had a feeling you weren’t hearing me,” J.D. said, shaking his head. “You wanna tell me about it?”
“Nope,” Wade replied, taking a bite of the rapidly cooling burger.
As if Wade hadn’t spoken, J.D. said, “You know, I’d guess it was a woman problem, but you haven’t ever once mentioned a woman, not in the three months we been together. If it wasn’t for the fact that you got a daughter, I’d wonder if you knew what women were. But you had to know what women are, because at least once, you put one to good use.” He wagged bushy black eyebrows before taking a sip of his soft drink.
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