Martin usually came home about now and would spend time with the children before they had their bath and occasionally he’d carry out the nightly bath routine himself giving me time to get our dinner going. But today of course he was giving Lenny a lift to the garage to pick up his car which meant he would not just drop him off but would most likely follow him home and go inside for a cup of tea to talk cars, and then probably end up in the pub for a swift half which would turn into a couple of hours at least of steady drinking. Bloody Lenny.
Having set the kitchen to rights and not bothering with any dinner preparations as there didn’t seem much point under the circumstances, I went to join the children in the living room. Despite my earlier command of not making a mess the living room looked like a bomb had hit with mini plastic dinosaurs, Barbie clothes and other assorted accessories, crayons, what remained of the pirate ship Ben had at Christmas, and half a dozen half-read books left open all littering the carpet as far as the eye could see.
I decided for once to ignore the shambles the living room had turned into except to push it all to one side, and sat down on the floor in the cleared space. ‘Who’s for a game of Frustration?’ I said knowing they would both jump at the chance as this was their favourite game at the moment. Of course Ben needed a bit of help but second only to watching Team Umizoomi, or maybe that should be third as he liked Dora the Explorer almost as much, playing Frustration especially when he beat his sister at it was his most beloved pastime.
We played two games which to Kate’s annoyance Ben won both of and loudly crowed his championship status at her, and then it was bath time. Kate was always first as I could pretty much leave her to dry herself and put on her own pyjamas, whereas Ben still needed supervision. By half seven they were clean and angelic looking all ready for bed and waiting for a bedtime story; Thomas the Tank engine for Ben and Sophia the First for Kate. I’d given up trying to find stories that would suit them both and had long since resigned myself to a story apiece.
At a little after eight I crept back downstairs and began the tidy-up of the living room. It didn’t take too long as Kate and Ben had a toy box each which was partially hidden down by the side of the settee, and that you could pretty much just throw everything back into every night ready for the next morning when you knew even as you were putting it all away they’d empty straight out again, probably before they’d had breakfast.
I made myself a cup of tea that hopefully I was almost guaranteed to be able to drink in peace, and a sandwich as cooking for one seemed a waste of time and effort, and took it all into the front room. I had no idea when Martin would be home so could indulge myself in a bit of R & R while I watched the catch-up of last week’s Downton Abbey in peace and without Martin’s constant puffing and sighing all the way through because he didn’t really like it and only suffered it for my sake.
The opening credits rolled but my mind drifted off to seeing Claire again after all this time. I bet she didn’t spend her evenings on her own watching Downton, she probably rarely watched television at all and her life would be so full of social engagements she’d have to pick and choose which one she was going to grace with her presence, her and her dentist husband Robert. I wonder what happened to her and when she started getting so far up her own arse. I decided to shelve Claire; just thinking about her hoity-toity attitude was making me mad.
I woke up in time to see the closing credits and to hear Martin’s key in the door. I checked my watch; it was getting on for ten o’clock, so much for ‘I won’t be too late’ I thought.
‘Hi Soph’ he shouted from the hallway, and just from this brief greeting I could tell he’d been in the Cricketers for the last few hours.
I pulled myself up from the settee and went out to the hall. ‘Hello Martin’ I said quietly. ‘Try and keep it down the kids are in bed.’
‘Oh yes, sorry’ he whispered loudly and tiptoed exaggeratedly down the hall to the kitchen.
I followed and straight away put the kettle on to make him a cup of coffee. ‘Lenny get his car back alright?’ I said while putting a spoonful of coffee in a mug.
‘No he had to leave it at the garage, needs a new exhaust’ Martin said swaying slightly in the middle of the room.
‘Why don’t you sit down and have a cup of coffee, looks like you need it.’
‘No s’alright I’m not as drunk as you think’ Martin said not moving his feet an inch and still swaying ever so gently.
‘Mm is that so?’ I said sceptically.
I made the coffee, black naturally, and put the mug in the middle of the table. ‘Well I’m off to bed, got an early start tomorrow’ I said.
‘But it’s your birthday Soph’ he said mournfully.
‘Ah you remembered.’
‘Sorry I know I was a bit late but Lenny . . .’ Martin started to say but the anger that had been building in me since I’d heard his key in the door got the better of me and I didn’t let him finish whatever pathetic excuse he was about to come up with. Just the mere mention of the name Lenny was enough to make my temper boil over.
‘A bit late! A bit!’ I expostulated.
‘I know and I’m really sorry’ Martin said stretching out the ‘really’ to emphasise it.
‘Are you, but obviously not sorry enough to say no to a drink with Lenny?’ I challenged.
‘Well he was a bit upset about his car and then he got talking about Jackie and how he was missing her and . . .’
‘And?’ I queried.
‘And I couldn’t just leave him could I?’
‘Agh . . . you . . . you . . . I’m going to bed.’ I said angrily, so angry in fact that I couldn’t form a coherent sentence.
‘But what about your birthday, I thought we’d celebrate?’ Martin leered suggestively as he tried to sidle up to me.
‘And you can forget that, I think you’ve celebrated enough. It’s not my fault you chose to do it down the pub with Lenny’ I said nastily as I stepped out of his reach.
‘Aw come on Soph’ Martin said trying to pull me into an embrace.
‘Not a chance sunshine’ I said. ‘D’you want me to pull out the sofa-bed or can you manage it on your own?’
‘I know you’re angry but don’t make me sleep on the sofa-bed Soph’ Martin said sniggering at his own pitifully stupid joke that given my mood at that moment I failed to see anything funny in.
‘Your choice, sleep on the floor then, but you’re not sharing a bed with me. Why don’t you go back to Lenny’s but if you do you’d better get a taxi I really don’t think you should be driving in that state.’
‘Aw Soph don’t be like that’ Martin said.
‘Night then, see you tomorrow’ I said and left the room before he could say anything else or I gave in to the urge to hit him.
As I passed the living room I hesitated wondering if I should pull out the sofa bed for him knowing he’d never manage it on his own, but I was still pretty angry and decided the hell with it, as long as Martin wasn’t in my bed I didn’t really care where he spent the night.
I checked on Ben and Kate in their bedroom who thankfully were sound asleep and stealthily backed out again before going to bed myself. I could hear Martin banging about downstairs; whether in temper or drunken unsteadiness I couldn’t tell and didn’t really care as long as he didn’t wake the children up. I lay in the darkness waiting for quiet and mused on what a wonderful birthday I’d had, NOT I thought in big capital letters.
My dream life birthday was happiness, laughing, and love from my nearest and dearest. It was breakfast in bed followed by a lazy day or maybe a shopping trip to buy myself something indulgent that I didn’t really need. It was a romantic meal in a posh restaurant with my doting husband who’d tell me how beautiful I looked. It was a night of passionate lovemaking, and talking and planning the future together into the small hours while the children were being spoilt at their grandparents overnight. It was feeling that being thirty one was only the start of something wonderful.
5
My birthday blues were still hovering when I woke up the next morning and crept downstairs for my early morning sanctuary from the bedlam that was my everyday life. I peeked into the living room en route to the kitchen to see Martin unconscious and uncomfortably stretched out on the settee, he hadn’t pulled it out but had evidently decided to just collapse fully clothed on the still folded up emergency bed. Good I hope he’s really stiff when he wakes up I thought uncharitably.
I flicked the kettle on and then the washing machine and leaning on the edge of the sink I stared out of the window into the gloom of predawn dimness while morosely pondering on the unrelenting sameness of my days.
The kettle boiled and I made myself a cup of tea. Usually I sat at the table cradling my mug and relishing the quietness all around me, but this morning I continued to stare out at the gradually lightening day. The grass needs cutting I thought to myself and then told myself off for letting my mind wander into such practical realms. But it looks like it’s going to be a nice day so at least I’ll be able to put the washing out I thought and then castigated myself for doing it again. This was supposed to be my time, not mum time or wife time or house-beautiful time, this small bubble of peace and tranquillity was supposed to be Sophie time.
Being a Saturday there were no lunches to make and no mad scramble of getting everyone fed or clean and dressed, that was Martin’s Saturday job once a week. On the other hand I did have to be at work earlier than the rest of the week so I went back upstairs to get myself ready. By the time I came back down the washing machine had finished and I could hear Ben and Kate getting up. I was still pulling clothes out of the machine when they came downstairs.
‘Can I have Coco-Pops this morning?’ Kate said.
‘You’ll have to ask Dad’ I said as I yanked at a pair of my wet jeans trying to untangle them from the knot they’d gotten into.
‘I want Weeto’s’ Ben said.
‘Okay’ I said knowing that we didn’t have any Weeto’s because I’d bought the special offer Sugar Puffs instead this week, that would be Martin’s problem to sort out when he woke up I gloatingly thought.
I poured two plastic cups of juice and settled Ben and Kate at the table while I went out to the garden to hang out the washing. By the time I came back Ben had knocked his cup over and there was juice everywhere.
‘Ben knocked his juice over’ Kate said.
‘Mm so I see’ I said looking at the dripping mess but making no attempt to clean it up. ‘Well I have to go to work now. Why don’t you two watch the telly until Dad wakes up and then he’ll give you your breakfast?’
I smiled to myself guessing Martin’s reaction when Ben and Kate turned the telly on and started shouting at him for their Coco-Pops and the non-existent Weeto’s.
After putting on my coat I wrote a note saying simply ‘the grass needs cutting’ without any further embellishments like Dear Martin or love Soph, and stuck it behind one of the fridge magnets.
‘Give me kiss then and I’ll see you both later’ I said not bothering to add the usual instruction ‘be good for your dad’ as I was hoping on this occasion anyway they’d be anything but good.
I gave them both a kiss and a quick cuddle and ushered them into the living room. As I closed the front door I heard the television blaring into action and Kate and Ben’s ear-splitting screams of excitement as they discovered their father asleep on the settee.
Half an hour later I was still grinning to myself when I arrived at work. ‘Morning all’ I said cheerily as I walked through the shop and straight out to the back.
‘Someone had a good night then’ Julie said following me.
‘No not really but this morning kind of made up for it’ I said smirking to myself.
‘Ah early morning naughty’s?’ Julie leered.
‘Not exactly, but almost as good’ I said taking my coat off and donning the hated tabard.
‘Care to elaborate?’ Julie said just as Di arrived. ‘Sophie’s had a good morning but not of a sexual nature and is being very mysterious as to what exactly was so good about it.’
‘Morning Julie, morning Sophie’ Di said.
‘Morning Dianne’ I said.
‘Well . . . what was so good about it?’ Julie said.
‘Let’s just say Martin will think twice before spending another night in the pub’ I said.
‘He didn’t, what on your birthday?’ Julie said.
‘He went to the pub without you?’ Di said incredulously.
‘He did’ I said.
‘Is he tired of living or just plain stupid?’ Julie said.
‘Just plain stupid, or thoughtless, or selfish, or an arse . . . any or all of these things are what my husband is’ I said getting angry again.
‘And he’s still alive, or have you buried the body in the back garden?’ Julie said.
‘Tempting but too much digging involved and it would ruin the lawn. No I made him sleep downstairs on the settee and then set the kids on him this morning before he’d regained consciousness.’
‘Nice one’ Julie said grinning.
Before we had a chance to elaborate on the karmic justice of it all Greg came out to the back room kitchen to tell Julie her eight o’clock had arrived and the three of us obediently followed him into the salon to man our posts, or should that be sinks.
Saturdays were always long for me, what with an early start and having to do a full day it felt more like twelve hours instead of the actual eight it really was. It was busy as it usually was on a Saturday and on top of the edge to edge pre-booked appointments we had three walk-ins as Greg never turned anyone away no matter how busy we were. I did manage to squeeze in a twenty minute break at about half twelve but that was the only break I had all day.
By four o’clock things were beginning to slow down and as soon as my last appointment had paid up and left I began tidying up my station.
‘I’m whacked’ Julie said flumping down in her chair and easing her shoes off. ‘Thank God for Sundays.’
‘And Mondays’ I said.
‘And Mondays’ Julie agreed, Sunday and Monday being the shops weekend and therefore closed.
‘Doing anything this weekend?’ I asked as I gave my sink a final wipe round.
‘We’re going to the mother-in-law’s tomorrow for dinner so she can fill the kids up with loads of sugar and E numbers and they can get hyper all day without getting told off, but apart from that not much else. You doing anything?’ Julie said.
‘Well we did say we’d get started on decorating our bedroom but we’ve been saying that for the last two weekends and so far still haven’t managed it.’
‘What about you Di?’ Julie asked.
‘I’m going to the Zoo tonight’ Di said.
‘The zoo, what at night?’ I said.
‘Not that sort of zoo, not an animal zoo. The Zoo nightclub where Flares used to be. Me and Rich are trying it out’ Di said.
‘Oh’ I said feeling like a has-been and too past it to know about stuff like that.
‘Richard again, wow this’ll be the third date won’t it?’ Julie said. ‘Steady, you don’t want to go getting serious.’
‘Third date is it? . . . Mm hm’ I said heavy with innuendo.
‘Yes Di we all know what a third date means’ Julie added as she raised an eyebrow knowingly.
‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’ Di said laughing.
‘I bet Rich does though’ Julie said. ‘Well be good and if you can’t manage that be careful.’
‘Or make sure Rich is being caref
ul’ I said.
‘Yes well I think I’m going to go home now’ Di said all mock indignation. ‘Night Julie, night Sophie.’
‘Goodnight Dianne’ Julie and I said together, then as Di was going out the door Julie shouted after her ‘we want all the gory details first thing Tuesday so don’t be late’.
Di rolled her eyes and shook her head as she waved goodbye. Julie put her shoes back on and gave her station a perfunctory tidy up while I went out back to get our coats. Two minutes later after saying goodnight to Greg who was busy counting the day’s takings we were on the other side of the shop door and taking that first deep breath of two whole days of freedom.
‘See you Tuesday then’ Julie said.
‘Yeah see you Tuesday’ I said.
It was only as I sat on the bus going home that I remembered how angry I still was with Martin. I wondered how he’d coped all day with a hangover and two noisy children and smiled again to myself. Serves him right I thought.
My dream life making up after a row scenario went something like this, Martin would be all apologetic and would have dinner ready and waiting as I walked through the door. The children would be mellow and a bit sleepy after spending a busy but happy day with their father, and after they’d gone to bed Martin would apologise again and tell me how he couldn’t manage without me. He’d promise not to do anything like that ever again and shake his head in wonder at how and why I put up with him. Of course in the face of all this I’d forgive him and we’d snuggle up on the settee together to watch a romantic movie which Martin usually hates but on this occasion was only too happy to go along with as long as I wasn’t angry with him anymore.
But I wasn’t living my dream life was I?
6
After letting myself in I was still getting my key out of the lock when Kate and Ben ran out from the living room to greet me shouting ‘hello Mum’ as they grabbed me in an enthusiastic somewhere between my knees and waist bear hug.
The Dream Life I Never Had Page 3