“That’s exactly what I’ve been thinking. Which is how come I think it’s Pete’s mind we ought to be changing.”
Now that notion piqued my interest. I don’t know why I hadn’t come up with that. “What’re you thinking up?”
Before she could answer, Pete strolled through the doors like he was nine feet tall. He took off his brand spanking new black hat and brushed imaginary dust specks off the brim. He had a haircut and a shave and smelled faintly of lilacs too. He was dressed to the nines in new pants, new shirt and new boots. If it weren’t for the buck teeth and freckles I wouldn’t have recognized him.
Calamity’s expression quickly changed from a frown to a smile. She aimed the smile directly at Pete. “Well, ain’t you something to behold! A real dandy!”
“Belle picked it all out.” Pete said. He hitched up his new stiff pants and scratched at his backside. “You ain’t going to be sore-headed about losing her to me, are you?”
“Me?” Calamity asked with what appeared to be genuine surprise. “Not me, Pete. All’s fair in love and war. Ain’t that what they say, Charlie?”
I intuited that something was up. I didn’t know what exactly, but there was only one way to find out. I joined her at the table and gave Pete a smile of my very own. “That’s what they say all right. And may I be the first to wish you and your bride a long and prosperous life.”
“Thank you, Charlie.” He put his hat back on his head.
“Just be careful your head doesn’t fill up that hat,” Calamity said.
“What’s that mean?”
“Oh, I’m just saying don’t go getting all big headed on us. And keep an eye on your future wife.”
“Keep an eye on her?”
“I think what Calamity’s trying to say,” I interjected, “is that Belle is so beautiful she might attract unwanted advances.”
“I hadn’t thought of that,” Pete said. He looked worried.
Calamity rose and slapped him on the back. “Don’t get such a long face. We need to celebrate. Bring us a bottle of your best rotgut, Charlie.” She flipped me a gold eagle and I caught it on the fly.
I went behind the bar and dug out a bottle. I knew just what the occasion called for. I blew the dust off the bottle and held it aloft. “Champagne. I was saving it for a special occasion such as this.”
I walked the bottle to the table and showed it off. “This is G.H. Mumm champagne. Nectar of the gods. Made in France and brought over the Atlantic on a boat. This bottle of bubbly costs more than a small farm.”
Pete was alarmed by the extravagance. “You should save that, Charlie.”
Calamity laughed. “Oh, to hell with it that, open it up! This here is a special occasion. It’s not every day you get married.”
I unwrapped the foil neck and popped the cork. A stream of bubbles cascaded down my arm. I laughed and slurped up the froth. It was kin to the head on a beer, only this tickled my nose more.
I handed the bottle to Calamity. She raised it in the air and toasted, “Here’s to Pete and our fair Belle!”
I hurried back to the bar and grabbed three of my cleanest glasses.
“This means you ain’t mad at me?” Pete asked.
“No hard feelings, Pete. You won Belle fair and square,” Calamity said.
I held out the three glasses. As Calamity poured, Pete said, “I got a favor to be asking you, Calamity.”
“Drink up, boys, drink up!”
We each took a full glass and held it aloft. Calamity clunked her glass against ours, then downed hers in one long swallow. I drained mine next, then Pete did the same. As Calamity poured out another round, she said, “What kind of favor, Pete?”
She downed her drink again. I think only I could tell how much this was costing her to be courteous. It took everything she had to rein in her true emotions over Pete’s impending wedding.
Pete looked at her shyly. “Well, seeing has how I ain’t got too many friends in these parts…any friends really…I was wondering if you would consider being my best man.”
Calamity clenched her jaw. I’m not the praying sort, but right then I prayed she wouldn’t hit him. She turned her back and drank straight from the bottle. When she turned back around she had a big smile pasted across her face. “Sure I would, Pete! Why, I’d be honored.”
She thunked the bottle against Pete’s glass a little too hard and the glass shattered. Champagne and shards splattered Pete’s new shirt and trousers. Calamity stared at the mess for a moment. “Aw, holy hell, sorry about that.”
She flopped into a chair, adding, “Seems like everything I touch falls apart.”
“Aw, hell, Calam’. It’s okay,” Pete said. He brushed off the front of himself. “I don’t care.”
I wiped at Pete’s shirt with my dishcloth. “You just christened him is all. Like how they do when ships are being launched.”
Pete laughed. “That’s right. You christened me for my bon voyage.”
“I’ll get the dustpan and broom,” I said. I ran to get them out of the corner and heard Calamity say discreetly, “I’m worried about him, Pete. If you’re the lucky groom and I’m your best man…Where’s that leave Charlie?”
I came back and busied myself with sweeping up the mess. Pete watched me a moment, then said like he had just thought of the idea, “Charlie, has Belle asked you yet?”
I ceased sweeping. “Asked me what?”
“She wants you to give her away.”
I resumed sweeping. I think I must have mumbled, “How very appropriate.” I thought it anyways. I stole a look at Calamity. She winked, urging me to play along. So I straightened and looked Pete in the eye. “I’d be honored to give her away, son. I’d be honored.”
“Good! Let’s have another toast.”
Calamity poured again and this time I did the toasting. I cleared my throat and said, “The enemies of my enemies are my friends!”
Calamity and I drank, but Pete looked befuddled. “What kind of toast is that?” he asked.
“It’s an old Hungarian toast, Pete,” I answered. “It means ‘May the ties of friendship be never broken.’”
“Oh.”
Calamity sat and Pete followed suit. She pushed her hat back on her head and looked seriously at Pete. “So, tell me. Where’s this shindig taking place?”
Pete shifted in his seat and scratched his rump. “I don’t know. Belle hasn’t told me yet.”
Calamity slapped the table like she just had a eureka of an idea. “Charlie, our betrothed needs a wedding chapel!”
Uh oh. I didn’t like where this was leading. “You don’t mean to say…?”
Calamity said, “That’s right, Charlie! They’re going to get married here!”
Pete stopped scratching. “We are?”
I avoided Calamity’s glare and nodded slowly. “Sure you are,” I spit out. “It’s perfect. You met here. You romanced here. You get married here. I can’t think of a more befitting place.”
Calamity leaned forward with a wide grin and said, “And I’ll do one better, Pete. I’m going to give you a wedding present.”
“A present?”
Calamity threw an arm around Pete’s shoulders and pulled him close like she was telling him a secret. “You know how Belle is wanting to get to Frisco? I’m going to make sure you can get your new wife what she wants. I’m going to give you my own horse.”
Pete couldn’t have been more surprised if she had just told him she was the Easter bunny. I think even I must have gasped.
Calamity continued, “I named her Lickety Split ’cause she’s the fastest pony there ever was. And nimble as a jackrabbit. She’ll get you Belle over those mountains before Old Man Winter’s beard turns white and you can be bathing in the ocean in no time at all.”
Pete shook his head. “I can’t be taking your horse.”
“Of course you can! It’s a done deal and I won’t hear otherwise.”
“No, sir,” Pete said, then corrected himself. “I mean…no
, ma’am. I ain’t never stole another man’s horse and I ain’t going to start now.”
“It’s a gift, Pete, it’s not stealing. You don’t take this gift for your newly wedded wife and I might get sore over it.” Calamity unleathered her gun and laid it out on the table. She casually placed her hand on top of the pistol and said, “You don’t want to embarrass me by rejecting my gift, do you?”
I added for good measure, “You’ve heard the one about looking a gift horse in the mouth, haven’t you, Pete?”
“Yeah, but…”
“No buts about it. My pony is now your pony and I won’t take no for an answer.” To emphasize the point, Calamity too-casually picked up her gun and spun the cylinder.
Pete stared wide-eyed at the gun, then said, “All right. I’ll accept your generosity.”
Calamity stuck the gun back in her holster. She grabbed the deck of cards. “Just one thing, Pete.”
“What’s that?”
“She’s a mighty ornery horse, that one. See, Lickety Split is a feisty little mustang and you got to be an expert rider. She won’t let just anybody ride her, you understand. You got to be an expert.”
Pete stiffened. “There ain’t a horse been born that I can’t stay on top of.”
Calamity shuffled the cards and clucked her tongue. “This ain’t no ordinary horse. I found her out in the wild. Took me three weeks to get close enough just to climb on her back. She ain’t but half-broke to this very day.”
“I can tame her,” Pete said proudly. “I been breaking wild horses since I was knee high to a grasshopper.”
She shook her head. “You got to know her secret, Pete. Without the secret there ain’t a man in the world who can ride my pony.”
Pete lowered his voice and asked, “What kind of secret?”
“Well, since she was such a high-spirited mare, I had to outsmart her, see?”
Pete nodded.
Calamity continued. “Here’s the tricky part: If you want her to go left, you got to rein her to the right. If you want her to go right, you got to rein her to the left.”
Pete laughed. “How you ever get anywhere like that?”
“It’s how she works. Just like a woman. Take a stubborn woman, like Belle, for instance. Haven’t you ever noticed that she never does anything you want her to do?”
Pete shrugged. “I guess so.”
“Think about it. You asked Belle to marry you and she said no. You act like you don’t want her no more and she up and asks you.”
“That’s exactly what happened come to think of it,” I said.
“What of it?” Pete asked.
Calamity continued. “This horse is just a stubborn woman. So you got to treat her like one. Tell her the opposite of what you want her to do and she’ll do what you really want. Left is right and right is left.”
Pete still wasn’t sold. “I never heard of such a thing.”
Calamity said, “The best part about it is that nobody can ever steal her from you this way. Another man climbs on top of your horse and he’s going to get a rude awakening when he can’t get her to go where he wants.”
Pete thought about it. “That’s a really good idea,” he said.
Of course Calamity and I both knew she wasn’t talking only about her horse. But Pete hadn’t made the connection yet, so I helped him along. “That’s sound advice for handling your bride-to-be also.”
“We was talking about Calamity’s horse,” Pete said.
“Sure we are,” Calamity said. “But Belle is just like an ornery, untamed, half-broke wild pony. She won’t do a thing you want her to unless you outsmart her.”
“I ain’t never been known for my smarts,” Pete said.
“It’s simple. Just tell Belle the opposite of what you think or feel or want her to do, Pete. That’s all you have to remember. Right is left and left is right,” said Calamity.
Pete studied his fingernails, turning it over in his mind.
Calamity added, “I’m a woman, ain’t I? I’m telling you, I know how our minds work.”
Pete looked over at me and I sealed the deal by saying, “I can’t believe you didn’t know that about women.”
“Okay,” he said, “Left is right and right is…” He hesitated.
I prodded, “Left.”
“Right,” he said with a nod.
“No, left,” I corrected.
“Huh?”
“Forget it.”
“You got a preacher yet?” Calamity asked.
Pete yelped, “No! Was I supposed to get one?”
Calamity shook her head and chuckled. “Well, you can’t get married without one.”
“You better go telegraph for one,” I said. “And hurry. Belle wanted to leave by sun-up.”
Pete jumped up and was out the doors in a dead run.
I looked over at Calamity. “What do you have up your sleeve?”
“Just my heart, Charlie.” She shuffled the deck, cut it and held up the bottom card. It was the ace of hearts. “Just my heart.”
***
Half an hour crawled by and that’s when things went all topsy-turvy. I was playing solitaire and Calamity was reading Don Quixote. It just goes to prove that when you think about something one way, it’ll sure enough change on you.
A horse nickered from outside and neither one of us paid it any mind. All of a sudden, the door flew open and a huge man stood in the entrance. He shouted, “This is a stick-up! Throw your hands over your head!”
Calamity jumped a mile in the air and when she landed she shouted, “Bill, you old goat!”
It was none other than Wild Bill Hickok standing there. I recognized him right off. He looked exactly like his wanted poster and probably had the most famous countenance in the West if you weren’t counting Buffalo Bill Cody.
Wild Bill cut quite the figure. He was dressed head to toe in buckskin and fringe with his ivory-handled revolvers belted on the outside of his jacket and tied down to his thighs. He wore his straw-colored hair tucked behind his ears with ringlets of curls drooping over both shoulders. He had a well-waxed mustache and the rest of his face was clean-shaven. His hat had a cupola-shaped crown with a pencil-rolled wide brim. I had never seen a hat quite like it. I had always said you could tell a man by the hat he wore, and if that is true, Wild Bill was a man used to attention yet possessed of the fortitude to back up his legend. He was a big man, well over six foot tall, but it was his personality that made him seem gigantic. Even though it was empty, the saloon felt crowded as soon as he walked through the doors.
“Why if it ain’t my old friend, Calamity Jane!” Wild Bill said in a booming baritone. He took off his hat and bowed deeply from the waist like he was standing before an audience of appreciating fans and collecting roses thrown at his feet. And if it weren’t for the fact that he almost fell on his face I wouldn’t have ever known he was three sheets to the wind.
Calamity exclaimed, “I’ll be double-damned! Just the man I was hoping to run into.” She greeted Bill with a bear hug and he pounded her on the back. “So what brings you clear up to Deadwood?” she asked. “I thought you was on the stage with that old windbag, Cody.”
I made myself scarce back behind the bar. I collected my shotgun and reloaded it on the sly. Not that I was planning on using it, but outlaws are like ants at a picnic—where there’s two of them, there’s bound to be more coming along shortly.
“What happened,” Calamity continued, “Cody close down his Wild West show?”
“Aw, I quit that a while back.” He pulled a half-empty pint of whiskey out of his jacket pocket. “Got tired of shooting tomatoes and tin cans all day.” He uncorked the bottle and took a nip. “I been tailing you the last hundred miles.”
“Me?”
Wild Bill held Calamity back at arm’s length, then spun her around. “That’s a mighty fine coat, Calam’. You steal it off an Injun?”
Calamity smoothed her hands down the sides of the jacket and nodded. “’Course I had t
o kill him first.”
Will Bill’s laugh sounded like somebody thumping on a bass drum. “Looks like life is agreeing with you.” He took another swig, corked his pint and pocketed it.
Calamity sprawled into her chair and kicked out the chair next to her, inviting him to sit. “Wish I could say the same for you. Hell, Bill, you look like the south end of a north-bound jackass.”
He sat and twirled the ends of his immaculate mustache. “What’re you doing this far north? Chasing a woman?”
“I never do the chasing, you know that. They’re always chasing me.”
“That’s the God’s honest truth. I’m starting to think if I dressed up like a woman, I’d get more action on that front.”
Calamity leaned in close to him. “I’ll give you a piece of advice on the matter. And then you’ll have your fair share of the ladies too.”
Wild Bill put on a serious face and whispered, “Do tell.”
“You got to always treat a whore like a lady and a lady like a whore. Works every time.”
He laughed heartily and thumped the table with his fist. Calamity reached into his pocket and helped herself to the pint bottle. She uncorked it with her teeth, spat the cork into her hand and lifted the bottle to her lips.
By this time, I had walked back over to the table. Neither one of them paid me any mind. It was not that they were being rude, they just didn’t see me since I was barely taller than the table they were sitting at. While there was a lull in the conversation, I cleared my throat.
Wild Bill jumped in his chair and gawked at me.
Calamity said, “Oh, where’s my manners? Bill, this here is Charlie. He’s the barkeep and owner of this here fine establishment. Charlie, this here is none other than Wild Bill Hickok, and I’m proud to call him a friend.”
He was still looking at me like I had just bitten the head off a live chicken, so I said, “I am a dwarf, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
That seemed to break the spell. “I have seen a man of your diminutive stature once,” he said. “In a circus. Only he was bald and was married to the world’s fattest woman. By any chance you know of him?” he asked.
I shook my head. “Not all dwarfs know each other.”
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