We toast, and Richard declares proudly, “I did it—just like I said I would.” He relays more details of his conversations and emails with my family, kindly. I don’t detect a hint of sarcasm or malice.
“I really do want to make amends,” Richard says. “I’m actually looking forward to better relationships.” He laughs. “I know it will be a process.” Then he takes my hand and we talk about our future. I am delighted, but, despite myself, my head fogs with the fallout of stressful holidays and birthday parties past. It’s like I have marital PTSD and live in fear of it all repeating.
We finish our champagne, and I ask about menus, and Richard says, “Menus? This is just our first stop.”
We stroll for a few blocks, hand in hand, before I realize that our next destination is Grill 23, where Richard and I had our second date. Richard’s romantic side takes me completely by surprise. Where has this man been all my life? I can’t help but be skeptical of whether it will last. My stomach gets queasy as we take our seats, and my smile tightens.
“Damn, I’ve missed you,” Richard says, reaching for my hand over the white tablecloth. “No one could ever love you as much as I do right now.”
“I really want to believe that,” I say, carefully choosing the words to communicate my truth. “But how do you reconcile love with all of the tension churning in my family? My sister is dead,” I say, grasping at a sudden anger I didn’t know I had. “You don’t get a second chance to have a relationship with Elizabeth. Neither do I.”
“I only ever wanted us to be more of a unit—”
“You say you fell in love with me, but that’s who I was.”
Richard leans back in his chair.
“My intentions are good. I want things to work out. But I need your help. Your loyalty. I can’t be blamed for everything—”
“And you can’t send all of the blame the other way,” I say, remembering what Jonathan Mann warned me about Richard’s having an agenda. “We are both responsible, Richard. From here on out, this marriage has to be a compromise.”
“You have to make our family central from now on, Samantha. That’s no compromise, just the terms of a good marriage. Broffman says so himself. You don’t have to be the matriarch of your sister’s and your brother’s families. Can’t you settle for being a good and caring aunt?”
I’m quiet. I haven’t thought about this aspect of the issue, that I’m as guilty of reaching into my siblings’ marriages as Elizabeth and Jake were of reaching into mine. Maybe Richard is right. But now Brooke and Lauren have lost their mother.
“I know I can’t replace Elizabeth, but I will always play a central role in her children’s lives,” I say, tearing up.
“I love you, end of story. Let’s be positive and focus on the good in each other,” Richard says.
“Love alone isn’t enough,” I say. “I think we’ve learned that the hard way.”
“Let’s renew our wedding vows. Let me buy you a new diamond. A fresh beginning.”
I stare into Richard’s eyes, testing what I see there, and my true fear articulates itself: Can I commit to being the kind of partner that Richard deserves?
The sommelier interrupts us, pouring Perrier-Jouet Belle Epoque into flutes. Without our ordering a thing, two servers appear behind him with a small plate of tuna tartare, a wholeroasted striped bass, and beef tenderloin au jus.
“To us,” Richard toasts. We clink glasses and dig into the food. Tartare melts on my tongue from a crisp cracker. Richard fillets the fish. “I want to move home,” he says when he’s com pleted the deboning.
I am unsure about taking this step and say nothing in response. We eat in silence. I look away from Richard several times, gazing into the restaurant, crowded with couples savoring the food and the romantic atmosphere. I miss my sister. She was my sustenance. I can see how it comes between me and the moment, my enjoyment of the life she no longer has. If I stay with Richard, I need to find a way to live in the present and not resent Richard for what is gone.
Richard stays over that night. We trade apologies on the pillow.
“I’m sorry for not being in touch with my anger,” he says. “I could have shared my feelings, instead of mistreating you and your family. Too much time of not being able to find peace with each other has gone by.”
I am deeply touched. After all these years of feeling wounded when Richard didn’t validate my feelings, I don’t intend to make the same mistake. I have gone through many struggles to hold on to my marriage.
“I’m sorry for not trying to understand you better,” I say.
MY FIFTIETH BIRTHDAY approaches, and while I usually love to celebrate, fifty sounds old. It’s also my first birthday without Elizabeth. Lynne and Nancy plan a special day but keep it a surprise. The three of us chat in Nancy’s car, killing time, at the delicious mercy of their whims. “Where are you taking me?” I ask, as we enter the parking lot of Temple Shalom in Newton.
“It’s a spiritual surprise,” Lynne says. She has always been thoughtful. Scanning the building, I notice a tiny white sign with black letters: MAYYIM HAYYIM MIKVEH.
“A mikveh?” I ask, surprised. A ritual bath is the last thing I expected. “Don’t you have to be Orthodox? Or converting?”
My friends smile conspiratorially.
We head into the small brick building, and the director of the mikveh greets us, explaining how nearly every religious tradition uses immersion to mark change and transformation. In Jewish tradition, water signifies the journey when the Hebrews left Egypt via the waters of the Red Sea, passing from slavery to freedom. She gives us a tour.
Walking the bright space, I learn that Mayyim Hayyim is more than just a mikveh. It’s a resource for learning, spiritual discovery, and creativity, a place where people celebrate milestones like weddings and conversions. Where people like me can find solace in the midst of loss.
I try not to blanch as I read these lines in a pamphlet from the director: “The mikveh pool recalls the watery state that each of us knew before we were born. The ritual of entering and leaving mayyim hayyim, living waters, creates the time and space to acknowledge and embrace a new stage of life.”
The director’s hand on my shoulder interrupts my reading. “I know you lost your dear sister,” she says quietly. “This is one way to embrace the future.”
“I’ll give anything a try,” I say, touched that someone recognizes my deep suffering. It’s all beginning to make sense.
I smile at Lynne and Nancy. They beam as if they invented the mikveh themselves.
The director shoos my friends into a waiting room, where they will pass the time while I partake in this ceremony.
The director closes the door and leads me alone into a cavernous room with private mikveh pools and showers. A silver railing and three stairs lead down to the pool where I will submerge myself to mark my fiftieth birthday and the end of my mourning. A year to mourn, and then we must move forward, tradition tells me. It’s not fair to the living, who need our love and attention, to wallow, and it’s not fair to ourselves. I am grateful to religion for setting boundaries that I never could have made myself.
I enter the changing room to shower and wet my hair. The waters beckon, offering great possibilities. As I lower myself into the mikveh, of course I think of Elizabeth. Without her, I have become a stranger to myself. A year ends my mourning but commences an even longer period that I’ll need to heal.
The tepid water is soothing. I immerse myself completely, even my head, and surrender my final tears to the bath. Surfacing, I exhale and breathe in the sacred air, then submerge again.
Below the water, I begin to forgive. Forgiveness for Elizabeth dying, and for Richard’s inability to love me in the way that I wanted. Self-forgiveness for being who I needed to be and not the wife Richard felt he deserved. Self-forgiveness for not being able to prevent everyone’s pain.
Coming up for air, I recite the ancient words written by Rabbi Nachman of Breslov: “Strengthen my ailing body,
soothe my aching heart, mend my shattered existence, make me whole.”
A second chance.
Book Club Questions
Why do you think Elizabeth’s husband Jake accepted her close relationship with Samantha and Samantha’s husband Richard could not?
What was Samantha’s part in the love triangle between her, Elizabeth and Richard?
Do you feel Richard’s demands at the beginning were based on not wanting to lose Samantha? Did he want something from her that she and Elizabeth had?
Do you think Samantha felt in some way responsible for Elizabeth’s illness?
What do you think of how Jake handled Elizabeth’s illness?
What about Richard’s reaction?
How do you think Samantha’s and Elizabeth’s parents were treated by their son-in-laws?
How could the family have managed their reactions to Elizabeth’s illness differently? Do you think they had unrealistic hope?
Do you think Samantha is defined by her care taking role?
Do you think Samantha and Richard will end up staying married? What would you do in a similar situation?
What is the significance of the title Appearances?
Discuss the concept of having enough love in one’s heart for a husband and a sister.
Acknowledgments
First, I would like to thank Eve Bridburg, founder and executive director of GrubStreet, which has become a second home for me and has been instrumental in my writing journey. When I began taking classes ten years ago, I was impressed with the rigorous teaching, encouragement, and empathy I received from my instructors and fellow students.
I owe deep gratitude to Pagan Kennedy (whom I met at the Muse and the Marketplace) and Karen Propp for their wisdom and editorial insights into my story, right at the beginning. They inspired me to keep writing.
I want to thank Katie Willis and Trish Ryan for their comprehensive and thoughtful manuscript consultations.
I want to thank Stuart Horwitz and his Book Architecture method (Blueprint Your Bestseller) for believing in my story and helping me with the structure of this novel.
I want to thank Grace Talusan for her undying support, instruction on craft, and exceptional feedback after reading my early and later drafts of this novel.
I want to thank Ethan Gilsdorf, whose insightful feedback on portions of my manuscript during his essay classes was immeasurable.
I want to thank Andrew Goldstein, from SixOneSeven Books, for caring and encouraging me to delve deeper.
I want to thank Kerry Cohen for her advice on many of my chapters when I took her online class at Gotham Writers Workshop.
Thank you to Kathryn Kay, from Nantucket Writers Studio and A Writer Within, who helped me hone my early work.
I am grateful to Dani Shapiro, Hannah Tinti, and Michael Maren for giving me the opportunity to attend their Sirenland Writers Conference with a group of talented writers and teachers.
Thank you to Judy Katz from Katz Creative for her constructive feedback.
Thank you to Brooke Warner and Lauren Wise from She Writes Press for their belief in my story.
Thank you to Annie Tucker from She Writes Press for her superb copyedit.
Many, many thanks for the enthusiasm from my friends and family members who read various drafts of this novel.
Thank you to my sister-in-law for her support and insight right from the beginning of this incredible journey.
Deep gratitude to my daughter and my mother for their love, wisdom, and undying faith in me.
A big thank you to my husband for his generous support during the years of me taking classes and writing endless hours a day to complete this novel.
Finally, I want to thank Dawn Dorland, my amazing editor, whose brilliant feedback on characterization, conflict, and plot was invaluable to the completion of this novel.
About the Author
SONDRA HELENE is a board member and writer at GrubStreet, Boston’s Center for Literary Life. She is a graduate of Ithaca College and received her master’s degree at Columbia University. She lives in Boston with her husband and two poodles. This is her first novel.
Twitter @SondraHelene
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SELECTED TITLES FROM SHE WRITES PRESS
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founded to serve women writers everywhere.
Visit us at www.shewritespress.com.
Shelter Us by Laura Diamond. S16.95, 978-1-63152-970-2. Lawyer- turned-stay-at-home-mom Sarah Shaw is still struggling to find a steady happiness after the death of her infant daughter when she meets a young homeless mother and toddler she can’t get out of her mind—and becomes determined to rescue them.
Appetite by Sheila Grinell. S 16.95, 978-1-63152-022-8. When twenty- five-year-old Jenn Adler brings home a guru fiancé from Bangalore, her parents must come to grips with the impending marriage—and its effect on their own relationship.
Play for Me by Céline Keating. S16.95, 978-1-63152-972-6. Middle- aged Lily impulsively joins a touring folk-rock band, leaving her job and marriage behind in an attempt to find a second chance at life, passion, and art.
American Family by Catherine Marshall-Smith. S16.95, 978-1631521638. Partners Richard and Michael, recovering alcoholics, struggle to gain custody of their Richard’s biological daughter from her grandparents after her mother’s death only to discover they —and she—are fundamentalist Christians.
The Geometry of Love by Jessica Levine. S16.95, 978-1-938314-62-9. Torn between her need for stability and her desire for independence, an aspiring poet grapples with questions of artistic inspiration, erotic love, and infidelity.
Peregrine Island by Diane B. Saxton. S16.95, 978-1-63152-151-5. The Peregrine family’s lives are turned upside-down one summer when so-called “art experts” appear on the doorstep of their Connecticut island home to appraise a favorite heirloom painting—and incriminating papers are discovered behind the painting in question.
Appearances Page 28