by Dani Collins
Her lips slacked in surprise, then pursed. Her brows drew together and she shifted her gaze to the darkened windows. “I don’t want any.”
“No, you want me to be a father, I can tell. But Jaya, that stuff I told you earlier about my lousy childhood. That’s why I never wanted to be one.” He looked past her knees, jaw clenching, seeing nothing but a blur of his past. “It’s not just fear that I’ll turn out like the old man and raise my hand—”
“You wouldn’t,” she said.
He lifted his gaze to focus on her face, trying to read her meaning. Was it a challenging, You wouldn’t dare? Or an expression of confidence in him?
He mentally stepped away from trying to decipher her words, disturbed by how badly he wanted her to believe in him when he didn’t know if he could believe in himself.
“I’d like to think I wouldn’t, but if my life fell apart the way my dad’s did and I tried to cope by drinking...” He rubbed the hard tension from his jaw, needing her to understand that whether she wanted something from him or not, there was nothing here. “Beyond that, though, is the lack of substance in me. I told you what kind of man I was that night in Bali. I’d make a terrible father. I don’t make strong connections, ever. Kids need something better than what I’m capable of offering.”
It was the hard truth, but he still searched her expression, wanting her to argue.
“Aren’t you underestimating yourself?” Hope wound through her question like a strand of gold, catching at him, filling him with bittersweet satisfaction at how predictable she was. He wished he could live up to her view of him, he really did.
He shook his head. “The closest connection I have is with my sister and we don’t talk about personal things.” Well, he didn’t. Adara had opened up about her marriage when it had almost fallen apart, but he’d only had to listen and stand by her. No reciprocation required.
“What about your brother? You said you talked to Adara about Nic that night we—I mean in Bali.”
Inexplicably, he found himself rising, finding himself verging on retreat because her question stood on his toes and leaned into his space, but he couldn’t walk out. He owed her some kind of explanation.
He tried to pace off his discomfort. “Adara talked, I listened. Since then I’ve told you more about how that has impacted me than I’ve ever admitted to anyone else.”
“Really?” She cocked her head in surprise.
“This is what I’m saying, Jaya. I don’t connect on a meaningful level. To be honest, I wish I could take a page from Nic’s book. He grew up isolated and neglected and he’s made a really good life for himself. A nice family with Ro and Evie. So has Adara with Gideon. I look at the way they dote on their kids and I’m envious, but I don’t even know what words describe those things they demonstrate so how could I become like they are?”
She pressed her drawn lips together and swallowed like she was fighting back deep feelings. Her unblinking eyes glittered before she dropped her lashes to hide them.
“Not every man falls in love at first sight with his child,” she allowed in a voice that made his heart shrivel. “It’s different for a woman, especially when she carries the baby for nine months. The attachment is there from the minute she holds the baby.”
“What if the attachment never arrives?” His worst nightmare was producing that same feeling of being unwanted and unloved that he’d grown up with. “What would that do to Zephyr if he expects it and it isn’t there? Don’t bother trying to answer that because I know how it feels. I thought I had an attachment to my father and he wound up attacking me with his belt.”
She flinched like he’d struck her and he wanted to kick himself.
“I shouldn’t talk to you about it.” He paced away across the room. This was why he didn’t talk about his personal life. “It upsets you to hear it and it doesn’t do a damned thing to resolve it for me, but that’s what I’m trying to get across. He broke that part of me. I don’t know how to be what a child would need. I only know what not to be.”
“That’s a start.”
“A very pitiful one. Zephyr deserves better. Be the mother I know you are and admit that. You wouldn’t settle for anything less than the best for him.”
She didn’t say anything, only pressed her knuckles to her mouth and kept her head bent. She might even have nodded.
That hurt. It hurt so bad he couldn’t breathe, even though—maybe especially because—it was the honesty he’d demanded.
“So let’s talk about money,” he said.
Her gaze came up, dagger sharp with disbelief. “I was dead serious when I said the last thing I’d ever do is use him to extort anything from you.”
“That doesn’t mean you’ll never struggle. He’s the only progeny I’ll have.” He certainly wouldn’t take any woman’s word and play roulette with his sperm again. He should look into a vasectomy, he supposed, filing that thought for later because right now he couldn’t imagine sleeping with anyone but the woman in this room.
Weird how he could be having this incredibly uncomfortable conversation and still be aroused by the way her breasts moved in the confines of her bra or her pants clung to her backside as she bent.
Forcing himself to set down thoughts too hot to entertain, he said, “Whether you want it or not, I’ll set up a portfolio for both of you. You might as well have a say in it.”
“Oh, Theo! I was going to leave Zephyr with Quentin tonight.” She sprang into action again, tossing soft bears and cloth books into a box that groceries had been delivered in. “Then I saw how much poor Evie and Androu were missing their mamas and I couldn’t deprive Zephyr of a night with his own. And I was mad at you! I was mad that you ignored my calls because I never wanted your stupid money or a relationship or anything for me. I only wanted to be decent and let you know you have a son. And now what are you doing? Offering me money and trying to pretend your child doesn’t exist.”
“I didn’t say that,” he growled, pushing angry fists into his pockets, slouching as he turned his back on her. “That’s not what I said.”
“Then take part in his life!”
“How? I’ve just explained that I don’t want to hurt him, physically or mentally, but I very likely would!”
“But that’s it, that’s the vital piece you think you don’t have. You already care about him. Don’t you? A little?” Don’t beg, she warned herself. He might be right. It might be better to buffer Zephyr against indifference if that’s all Theo was capable of.
She really didn’t want to believe that, though. She didn’t want her son growing up feeling as she had, dismissed and unimportant. For heaven’s sake, didn’t he realize what a gift she’d given him? A son. That was supposed to elevate her value in his eyes.
Congratulations, Jaya. Modern women raise their children alone and nobody regards her as special. The clash of cultural mores made her furious.
“Don’t write Zephyr off without even trying to get to know him. That’s callous. It’s cowardly. You be a better man than that,” she demanded with a point of her finger. “I never would have slept with you if I believed you lacked compassion and the ability to respect someone for their worth.”
“Really.” He spun to confront her, head thrown back in challenge as he stared down his nose at her. “I thought we were using each other for escape that night.”
And he was getting his back up because he thought she’d been after a deeper relationship after all. Maybe, yes, way down she had feelings for him that longed to be requited, but she shook her head vehemently.
“No. I mean yes, I was using you. But I wouldn’t have used a man less decent than you are.”
He barked out a disbelieving laugh. “Nice.”
“That didn’t come out right. I’m saying that I didn’t expect to have sex with you, but it happened because I respect you.
And I’m not sorry. I’m happy we made Zephyr. I was resigned to not having children so...” She was saying too much. With a pleat stressing her brow, she clammed her mouth and decided they’d talked enough for one night.
“Really?” He tucked in his chin. “You’re the most natural person I’ve ever seen with kids. Was there something wrong that made you think you couldn’t have any?”
They’d definitely talked enough.
“I told you my career was important to me,” she mumbled, casting about for the last of the toys, but they’d tidied up all of them.
“And you still have a career despite being a single parent. Not always an ideal situation, I’m sure, but I can’t believe you didn’t see before Zephyr that kids and career can coexist. You must have considered it an option. You didn’t say you weren’t planning to have kids, but that you resigned yourself not to, like you didn’t think it was possible. Are you okay, Jaya? Because my sister may not have confided all the trauma of her miscarriages, but I’m aware there can be complications with any pregnancy. It makes me a real bastard for not protecting you that night if I put your life at risk.”
“Have you listened at all? I was textbook normal. I’m made to have babies and I’m not sorry I had him. Not one bit. That’s all I meant. Now we should get some rest. Even if they sleep through the night—which they won’t—they’ll be up early.” She tried to scoot past him.
He caught her arm.
She caught her breath.
Silly, silly Jaya. Still flushing like a preteen at this man’s touch. Shyness kept her face averted. She didn’t want him to see how much he still affected her.
His thumb brushed her bare skin, hot palm leaving an imprint of his firm but gentle grip. Those hands. Knowledge burned in a trail from the light caress of his thumb to the pit of her stomach and lower, flooding her inner thighs with tingling warmth. Her face stung with the pressure of a hard blush.
He cleared his throat and pulled his touch away like he felt the scald. When he spoke, he didn’t pursue the other topic, but floored her with something else.
“When I asked if there was someone in your life, I meant a man. Is Zephyr it, or is there someone else I should be worried about?”
“Would you be?” she asked, snapping her head up then regretting it. He must be able to read the flush of awareness savaging her, but he looked his old, contained self.
“This is complicated enough without navigating some other man’s sense of claim.” So aloof. So hands-off. She was back in Bali, heart tattooing her breastbone like a moth against a window, trying to reach the light.
She looked away and rubbed the feel of his touch from her arm. “No, there’s not. What about you?” The question escaped as the horrifying thought occurred.
“Are you kidding? No.”
“Still playing concierge for the Lonely Hearts Club?” she sniped, annoyed.
“Open to new members. Always.”
Ouch. She set her jaw, trying not to let his flippancy bother her. He was only trying to prove his shallowness. Maybe he is that shallow, Jaya. There’s not a woman in the world with enough training to fix me. Don’t try.
She needed to believe he was better than what he was pretending though, she needed it like oxygen. It was how she had let down her guard with him that night. Yes, his rakish ability to give her pleasure had made the memories he’d given her particularly delicious, but her trust in him had been the groundwork. She had believed him to be a good, honorable man, which had allowed her to put herself in his care.
“Don’t be less than you are, Theo.”
“Don’t imagine I’m more.”
“I’m only expecting you to be you, the man who saw potential in me and gave me a chance to develop it. You’re fair. You’re kind. Sometimes you’re funny. This isn’t a test. You don’t have to pass it right now. We have a few days. Apparently,” she added with a jerky shrug. “Can’t we use this time to figure out how to proceed? Do we have to spit out a settlement contract this evening so you can run out the door tomorrow? Maybe the reason you don’t have close relationships is because you don’t stick around to nurture them.”
He rocked back on his heels. “Touché.”
“Was that harsh?” she asked, not as repentant as she could have been.
“No, it’s true. I’m as much of a moving target as I can make myself.”
The reasons behind that coping strategy put a lump in her throat. She tried to swallow it back with little success.
“Well, this is a safe place,” she reminded in a strained tone. “You made sure. No one can hurt you here.”
For a few seconds she thought she might have gone too far, appealing to the frightened child in him.
His dry chuckle had a coarse edge. “Okay, sure. I suppose we’re stuck here,” he said without inflection. “No need to rush to act.”
Stuck again. Reacting to that awful word, she said, “There are worse things than taking a day off to play with children, you know.”
“I know.” His shoulders slumped heavily.
Now she really did feel sorry, but he walked away before the apologetic hand she reached out could touch him.
* * *
It was a sleepless night and not just because he had to walk Androu twice. Theo’s mind wouldn’t stop so he was grateful to have a reason to pace. The boy’s warm weight on his arm was oddly comforting as he patted his little back to soothe him.
Jaya had to show him how, of course, demonstrating on Zephyr. “He might be with me, but it’s still a strange place,” she whispered in explanation of the boy’s restlessness. She settled him with expert swiftness and disappeared into her room.
He dragged his eyes off the way her hotel-issued robe draped the curve of her hips and showcased her slender calves. No man in her life and whose fault was that? His. He’d taken a chance with unprotected sex because he’d been anxious to lose himself and his problems in an orgasm.
Which wasn’t entirely true. As he stared across the twinkling lights of Marseille to the dark expanse of the Med, he allowed that Jaya had never been like the other women he pursued. She was special. His need that night had been as much about a desire to be with her as it had been to escape his emotional turmoil. Her announcement she was leaving Bali had lit a torch of panic in him. He’d needed, quite literally, to hold onto her.
Maybe some primitive part of him had even been seeking the permanent connection of a blood tie. As much as he’d like to dismiss his failing to protect her as a state of crisis and thoughtlessness, he’d never neglected a condom in his life. He always thought ahead to consequences. Fear of a beating had predisposed him to it.
So he couldn’t pretend he’d simply been carried away. He’d made a conscious decision to take a risk.
Creating a child without due care and attention seemed like the kind of enormous mistake he ought to be punished severely for. His body was reacting with the same tense anticipation of hell he’d grown up trying to ignore. The clogged chest, clogged throat and anxiety ought to be far behind him, but he could hardly breathe. Sleep had never been a safe escape. Voices could rise in the next room, furniture could topple. Babies could wake and nightmares became real.
The troubling memories kept him tossing and turning even after Androu settled. Then Evie woke like a five alarm fire, jarring him and making his heart pound.
No male voice shouted, though. No impossible demands were made of children barely old enough to reach a toaster. Jaya worked her magic and scooped up the sad little girl, murmuring reassurances.
Androu wasn’t happy about being woken from a sound sleep, but Jaya distracted him with a bottle then cuddled the pair into a nest of pillows and blankets on the floor in the lounge, a cartoon of sleepy baby animals flickering at low volume on the television.
“Maybe they’ll fall back asleep. Liste
n for Zephyr while I have a quick shower?”
He was used to starting his day shortchanged on sleep because of a time zone shift, but he’d barely slept and it wasn’t even six o’clock yet. No wonder new parents were so irritable.
A few minutes later, as he searched out the coffee in the kitchen, he heard a cry. It wasn’t from either of the toddlers. As he moved into the hall, the unhappy sounds grew louder. Pushing into Jaya’s room, he found Zephyr sitting up in his cot with big tears on his cheeks, eyes wide and lost.
It’s not a test, Jaya had said, but it was. Not just of his fatherly instincts, of which he had none, but of his ability to keep his emotional blocks from damaging this baby.
Therefore, inadequate as he felt, he couldn’t leave the tyke wet and scared to wait for his mother just because she knew how to reassure with affection and he didn’t.
At least a diaper change was his first priority. Funny how that seemed like a reprieve from more demanding tasks. Surprisingly, he nailed it in one go. Even got the kid back into his jammies without misaligning any snaps.
Zephyr seemed to want to keep his blanket with him, so Theo wrapped it around the boy’s tiny body and snugged him closer to the warmth of his own chest, concerned that the air conditioning was set too low in the lounge.
Whether it was the warmth of his body or he was still sleepy, he seemed content enough to be carried into the lounge.
The older babies had both dropped off and Theo found himself standing over them, Zephyr’s silky hair under his chin smelling familiar even though it wasn’t anything he really knew.
Babies were unwieldy responsibilities that were so great, they were to be run from, far and fast. That’s what he’d believed and it was true, if you were five.
He was an adult, though, perfectly capable of things like changing a diaper and making a proper meal and laundering clothes. Fearing the responsibilities of fatherhood was irrational. Millions did it every day and no one would hold him accountable with a beating if he missed getting a bit of food out of a kid’s hair during a bath.