by Dani Collins
“I haven’t convinced Jaya yet,” Theo said, taking the weight of his penetrating stare back to his sister.
Oh, sure, put it all on me, Jaya thought, working to keep a scowl off her face. Her instinct was to protest, but she didn’t want to draw Adara into it. Given the look exchanged between Nic and Rowan as they returned from the kitchen, they’d heard Theo, adding to her feeling of being outnumbered.
No one needed to know her reasons for refusing to marry except maybe Theo and she’d share that only if and when it felt right.
“We haven’t had much time to talk about anything except whose turn it is to change a bottom,” Jaya murmured, stroking a hand over Androu’s tousled hair as he toddled after Evie to their play area in the lounge.
“Understood,” Nic said. “And we’re incredibly grateful for your help. If you ever need anything, please let us know.”
“I expect we’ll be seeing a lot of each other regardless,” Rowan said with a warm smile. “Evie’s forever begging for Androu and seems equally rapt with Zephyr. I expect a few tears when we leave, to be honest. Brace yourself. She has a tender little heart.”
It was true. After thirty minutes of letting the children have a last play together while the adults gathered up toys and clothes, they congregated at the door. Evie broke into pieces when she realized the other children wouldn’t be coming with her to Greece.
“Peas, Papa,” she begged through her tears.
“I’m sorry, but they have to live with their own mamas.”
She wasn’t trying to manipulate; she was genuinely heartbroken, weeping into his shoulder with loss.
Her suffering twisted Jaya’s heart so badly she found herself promising to bring Zephyr for a visit.
After a tearful kiss and hug from the girl, she said goodbye and was emotionally wrung out as she and Theo moved into the quiet lounge.
“Did I just promise a two-year-old I’d fly to Greece to see her?” Jaya collapsed into a chair. “I can’t afford that.”
Theo gave her a dry, are-you-kidding look. “Nic has his own plane and so do I.” He leaned back on the sofa, hands behind his head, gaze lifting from where Zephyr sat on the floor rattling the stuffing out of a toy bear. “I’ll take you as soon as we work out a convenient time.”
Her heart lifted while her stomach swooped. The word honeymoon blinked like a lighthouse flash in her mind, but she turned away from it. She stared at their baby rather than looking at Theo, nervous of the masculine energy he was projecting. He might appear relaxed, but they were alone now, the buffer of activity gone. The full force of his male magnetism was blasting into her, stronger than she remembered it.
“You’re assuming a lot,” she said, leaning forward to remove a hard toy from behind Zephyr. “I’m not quitting my job. I’m not marrying you.”
Silence, then, “I realize I threw that at you from left field.”
“You did,” she snapped. “That wasn’t fair.”
“I didn’t mean to, but...” He sat forward, swearing as he rubbed his face. “Both Adara and Rowan had fertility issues. I could see Nic was thinking anyone who would turn away from the chance to be a father—”
“Are you seriously saying that the only reason you want to be in Zephyr’s life is to avoid being judged by your family?” She lived that hell, but it was because she was determined to stay true to herself. For him to buckle to their expectations was a very dishonest start to his relationship with Zephyr, something she wouldn’t tolerate no matter the consequences.
“No, it reinforced to me what a gift he is. Not everyone has the luxury of one night producing a baby. Yes, this has been hard for me to come to terms with.” He waved a confounded hand at their son, but a subtle tenderness crept beneath his hard visage as he watched Zephyr discover his own toes and try to catch them in his waving hand. “I’m still not convinced I’m father material, but Nic figured it out. Maybe I’ve got a shot. And if there’s one thing my childhood taught me, it’s how to avoid making mistakes, especially big ones. Turning my back on my son would be a terrible one.”
He was saying all the right things, but rather than creating a sense of relief in her, he was undermining her defenses. She needed resentment to keep her from tumbling back into the depths of her crazy crush on him. That sort of weakness would complicate things. She’d start thinking about what she wanted, rather than what she and Zephyr needed.
“We still don’t have to marry,” she mumbled.
“What would living together do to your relationship with your family?”
“You want to live together?” The words dissolved everything around her so nothing had substance. She was falling, unable to grasp anything that would ground her.
“Yesterday you pointed out that I don’t stick around to develop relationships. It’s true. If I want to know my son, I have to be near him. Physically.” He frowned as he said it, like he wasn’t sure, but would give it a try.
That’s all she needed, to let him become a daily part of her life then have him quit on her. “I don’t want to live with you,” she insisted.
“Why not? You live with Quentin. I’ll pay for everything.”
Back to money. Was there a problem in his world that he wouldn’t try to buy his way out of?
“I value my independence,” she said.
“But you’re not independent,” he countered. “You have a son. You and I are connected through him and that makes us interdependent.” He pointed between them, as if running lines of webbing that stitched them together. He didn’t seem any happier about it than she was. “We have to compromise for his best interest. We’ll have to do that for the rest of our lives. There’s no getting around that.”
Hurt that he was only trying to make a life with her because he thought it was the ethical thing to do, she rose to pace, winding up facing a window, arms folded.
“I grew up fighting tooth and nail for every decision I wanted to make for myself. I won’t have the same fight with you. I won’t give up and do as I’m told. You’re making me feel like I have to live with you. That I have to marry you. I already live with a lot of have-to’s as a result of my choosing to have Zephyr.”
“You think I don’t know how it feels to live under someone else’s rules?” he countered. “You think I enjoy calculating interest rates and double-checking the inventory of hand towels? There’s a difference between being subjugated and placing duty to family above self-interest. My father isn’t around to disinherit me if I quit my job. I stay for Adara’s sake, because I want her to succeed. Although we’ll have to make adjustments to my duties if I’m going to spend any time with you and Zephyr.”
He muffled a curse behind his hand, glowering while his gaze turned inward.
Her stomach did a flip flop, latching too tightly onto his with you. She shook it off, not wanting to be so easily drawn in by him. Turning, she considered the dual notes of frustration and sincerity in his voice.
“You hate your job?” she prompted.
He quirked the tight line of his lips before saying, “Don’t tell Adara.” He shrugged that off. “I don’t really hate it, not anymore, but it’s not what I would have chosen for myself. My father pushed me into it. He would have taken it out on Adara if I’d rebelled so I kept the peace and took an Econ degree. The work is more enjoyable now that she trusts my numbers and makes the kinds of decisions we always knew were the better ones. We actually see the profits we’re looking for. I was constantly set up for failure while my father was alive. That was hell.”
She came back to sit across from him. Linking her hands, she pressed her knuckles to her mouth. “I think I hate your father,” she admitted in a muted voice. The man bore a lot of blame for Theo’s inability to give her what she wanted from him.
“Join the club,” he retorted, then expelled a tired breath. “But he’s gone s
o do what I do. Forget him.”
Releasing her inner lip from the bite of her teeth, she added, “He is gone, so don’t turn me into something you think you have to do. You have a choice, too, Theo.”
“I do,” he agreed and hitched forward on the edge of the sofa. “That’s what I’m saying. I’m not acting from a sense of duty, although I feel a pretty strong one toward both of you. It’s a different kind of ‘have to.’ The kind that means I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t do what’s right by the two of you.”
Which framed her refusal to marry him as inexcusable selfishness.
“I can appreciate that you want to be part of Zephyr’s life.” She couldn’t countenance anything less herself. “But live together? Like as roommates?”
“If that’s what you prefer.” He blinked once, keeping his expression neutral so she couldn’t tell what he really thought of the arrangement.
“For how long? Until he’s in school? Until he’s grown? And what are you doing all this time? Bringing women home?”
“No,” he dismissed flatly and cast a gaze toward the pool, one that was stark and seemed rather isolated and lonely.
Her heart shook. She willed it to still, not wanting to be affected. Don’t try to fix him.
“Is there nothing on your side, Jaya? Of what we had before?” he asked quietly.
She caught her breath, plunged into the deep end, sinking and sinking, pressure gathering in her ears and pressing outward in her lungs. Her vision blurred because she forgot to blink.
“What did we have?” she asked in a thin voice, reminding herself that neither of them had been seeking a long term relationship that night. Her motives had been, if not emotionless, at least not as simple as his.
“More chemistry than I’ve ever felt for anyone else, before or since.” His blunt words detonated a terrific blush in her, making her cover her hot cheeks and look anywhere but at him.
“I didn’t mean to behave that way,” she moaned, still embarrassed that once hadn’t been enough. Twice had been decadent self-indulgence. The third time had been outright greed, stolen against the hands of the clock.
“I loved how you behaved,” he said, voice low and taut with sweet memory.
Her heart tripped as he began speaking and stumbled into the dust as she realized it wasn’t a declaration of deep feeling. She was still affected, still transported back to a night when touching a man had seemed the most natural, perfect thing in the world to do.
The glint of masculine interest in his eye sparked a depth of need in her she had worried she’d never feel again.
“Okay, then,” he said in a satisfied growl, his fixed gaze weighted with lazy approval.
“Theo, don’t!” She pushed the heels of her hands into her eyes. Her history with him, especially their night together, had stolen a lot of power from her darkest memories, but, “Don’t make assumptions about me and sex. Please. Saying I’m attracted to you doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you. It’s not that simple for me. Ever.”
“Hey, I’m not taking anything for granted,” he admonished. “I realize sex could be a hindrance to our working out a good long-term solution. Much as I want to have an affair with you, if we burn out it would have consequences for Zephyr. I get that.”
Did he? Because she hadn’t got that far. All she could think was that she hadn’t expected to have another shot at sharing Theo’s bed and really didn’t know how she felt about climbing into it again, especially long-term. Talk about assumptions. That would create a lot. All her conflicting yes-no signals were firing, making her cautious even as she found herself literally warming to the idea.
“But you have to admit, we’re a good team, Jaya. That’s all Adara and Gideon had going for them when they married. Maybe they had sexual attraction, I don’t know. I would never ask,” he said with a dismissing sweep of his hand and an expression of juvenile repugnance that would have been laughable if her thoughts weren’t exploding like popcorn kernels in oil.
“You and I have as good a base as they had,” he insisted. “Maybe a better one. We know each other a lot better than they did. An affair, living together... Those are too easy to walk away from. Marriage would force us to work out whatever differences came up. Zephyr needs that kind of stability and commitment. Doesn’t he?”
Here was the clarity he’d told her he was capable of. He could see the right course of action even if he didn’t know whether he could perform it. Even when he wasn’t terribly keen to embrace it.
Still, she was half persuaded by his rationale. He was right and talking about it like they were negotiating a merger kept her from being swept away, allowing her to view the situation objectively.
That’s what she told herself anyway, to counter the thick knot of disappointment sitting in her throat.
“Are you hesitating because of what I told you about my father? You’re worried I’ll resort to abuse?”
“No!” she blurted, heartfelt and sincere. Her waffling feelings were more about having her heart suffer from unrequited attraction than worrying about physical harm.
“If that’s what’s worrying you, admit it. I’ll forget the whole thing. I totally understand.” He stood and caught up Zephyr, repositioning him in the middle of the blanket, his movements hiding his face, but she thought she caught a glint of profound hurt. Maybe something else. A sort of hopeless defeat.
“Theo, I don’t think you could hurt me or Zephyr even if you wanted to. If we needed a snakebite carved out of us, you probably couldn’t do it.”
His glance flickered toward her in acknowledgment, colored with ironic humor, but he moved to stand looking through the glass at the pool. He pushed his hands into his pockets, shoulders slumped.
“You’ve been so willing to listen to everything I’ve told you I let myself believe it didn’t matter, but of course it matters. Of course you have to take time to consider what it means and decide whether you can trust me.”
She was going to have to tell him. She could see his back tensed against the same kind of betrayal and injury he’d already suffered. She couldn’t leave him thinking something as far out of his control as his childhood abuse would cause her to fear him.
Still, her abdomen tightened as if clenching to accept a blow.
“Theo, it’s not you, it’s me.”
He barked out a laugh and sent an askance look over his shoulder. “Okay.”
Not in front of Zephyr, she thought, but their son had tipped onto his side and was contentedly chewing a finger and pedaling his feet. And wasn’t he the manifestation of the goodness that had come out of her bad experience? If she hadn’t been assaulted, she would have stayed in India and married under her uncle’s dictate. Instead, she’d left and wound up meeting Theo and he had changed her life profoundly, giving her this gift.
“I trust you, Theo. I wouldn’t have slept with you in Bali if I didn’t.”
“That’s different. One night is not a lifetime. A pair of lost souls finding comfort in physical pleasure is not marriage. It takes a lot more faith in a person to share every aspect of your life with him. I understand.”
“No, that’s not—” She sighed. “That’s not what Bali was for me. Not all it was.”
He came around a half step, body still in profile, his grave expression watchful. “What do you mean?”
She took a shaky breath. “The reason I left India...” She pinched her lip, trying to stay focused. “I should back up to explain. I’ve told you Saranya and I grew up very close? When I was six, my father had an accident on the tractor and was forced to sign our land over to my uncle. We moved in with them. Our mothers are twins. It’s a big house, not a bad arrangement except that my uncle is quite controlling. He has very traditional views where women are concerned.”
She set the jungle gym over Zephyr so h
e could swat at the dangling toys.
“Saranya grew up dreaming of being in Bollywood films. Uncle was fit to be tied. He was arranging a marriage for her when Quentin’s crew came into the next village. Saranya was convinced this was her break. In a way it was. They fell in love and she eloped with him.”
“And you were left with her angry, thwarted father.”
She nodded. “And her two brothers and my younger brother and sister. Uncle became more domineering than ever, dictating to my parents how we should behave. It was one of the reasons I was so resolved to get a job, to give my parents money so they wouldn’t be so dependent on him. He objected to me working, saying I should marry, but there were other young people going into call centers, bringing money home. A friend recommended me for a position and it was good work. I improved my English, used their lines to speak with Saranya,” she confessed with a sheepish grin. “Uncle had disowned her, but I missed her.”
“Are you trying to tell me you’re afraid I won’t let you work?”
“There is that, but no, that’s not where I’m going.” Rising to try to escape the cloying sense of helplessness that still managed to smother her at times, she paced across the room then halted, arms wrapped around herself.
What would he think of her? Would he blame her as her family had?
“The problem with my job was... There was a man there. My supervisor. He was older, in his forties. I wasn’t even twenty yet. He flirted with me, but it wasn’t flirting.”
“Sexual harassment,” Theo concluded flatly, his voice low and chill.
“One night, before I went home, it was sexual assault.” Her voice faded into a whisper, but she knew he heard her because the silence took on a thick, heavy quality.
She smoothed a hand over the glossy hardwood of a side table, accidentally lifting her eyes to the reflection in the mirror above it.
Theo was arrested, pale under his swarthy tan, lips tight and outlined with a white ring. When their gazes clashed in the pool of silver, he flinched his glance away.