by Ria Cantrell
“How do you know about that?”
“Hmmm, it matters not how I know. It is so, is it not?”
“So what if it is. Besides I told you I had quit my job upon taking this one.”
“And it would seem ye’ are about to quit this one, as well. Ye’ shame yer’ clan, Kiera MacCollum.”
Kiera bristled at this final admonishment. “I am not Kiera MacCollum. I am Callum. Kiera Callum.”
“The inception of the name means nothing to me. I know my own and as sure as I am MacCollum, so too, are ye’. Only, MacCollums never run from their troubles. They face them and if they canna’ make things right, they admit their failings and try harder the next time.”
“But Derek….”
“Derek never meant to hurt ye’. Can ye’ not see it? He is in love with ye’.”
“Love…but he is a…”
“Aye, he appears to be not a man to ye’, but he is where it counts.”
Kiera’s eyes widened and Morag rolled her eyes in annoyance.
“Not there, girl. In his heart. I sense he no longer cares what his fate is. He is dying.”
“Wait a minute. He is already dead!”
“Not everything is what it appears.”
Kiera felt her self-control slipping away.
“I wish you and Gavin would stop saying that. Perhaps if you explained things more clearly, I would not be in this mess right now.”
“Again ye’ choose to blame others for the decisions and choices ye’ have made freely. Sometimes things canna’ be readily explained. Sometimes faith and trust have to carry ye’ past the things that dunna’ always make sense. Sometimes ye’ must stop blaming others for the choices ye’ make.”
“But Derek.…”
Morag put her hand up and said, “Derek loves ye’. It was what could have ended all this torment for him. Instead, he suffers more because of yer’ rejection.”
“He used me.”
“How did he do that, girl?”
“He…he just did. I already tried to explain how he did, but he just did.”
Kiera felt the heated blush rush to her face when she thought about it and she knew she could not fully explain it to this old woman even though she seemed to understand it immediately.
“I am old, t’is true. I have lived a long time and I know best what happens between a man and a woman. He couldna’ have done anything ye’ did not wish him to do, for in his state, he can only do what is welcomed. Did ye’ not welcome him?”
Kiera hung her head. Of course she had welcomed him. She had more than welcomed him. She encouraged him. She had succumbed to pleasure beyond her wildest imaginings. She was embarrassed to admit it to this old woman who seemed also able to read her thoughts. Maybe Derek was right. She was a witch. Perhaps Kiera should have been wary of her from the start.
Morag persisted, “I have been sent to watch over him since it was me who had pleaded for his chance to live again. I saw the union of yer’ spirits. It surprises me not and is naught ye’ should be ashamed of. He didna’ use you, girl. He did what every man does when he is in love; he did it because he loves ye’.”
Kiera dragged her hand through her hair. She felt like she was going to explode. This was too much to ask of anyone. To love a ghost…to be satisfied with the coupling that came only in her dreams. No, she just could not do it. She would not. It was beyond making allowances for in a relationship. How would she explain to people that no, she was not single, but her boyfriend was a seven hundred year old phantom? No, she just could not reconcile it.
“While ye’ reject him, his spirit will slowly die. Ye’ were his last hope. If ye’ refuse to open yer’ heart to him, his spirit will be lost. He will no longer walk this plane. Ye’ will have lost him forever and despite what ye’ say, Kiera MacCollum, ye’ have fallen in love with him as well.”
“I have not,” Kiera said adamantly.
“Oh have ye’ not? Why, in just the few short weeks ye’ have been here, ye’ have blossomed before my vera’ eyes. Ye’ have the sparkle of life back in yer’ eyes. Ye’ have a luster of health and vitality that was missing upon yer’ arrival.”
“That is from being in this pristine place.”
“Is it? Or is it from the love that is burgeoning in yer’ heart? A heart that had been shattered with mistrust and lies.”
Kiera definitely did not like that this old woman, who had been a stranger less than two months ago, peered into her heart and was devouring her very soul. She did not like to be read like an open book. She certainly did not like that the old woman was right on all accounts. She did feel more alive than she had in months. Maybe even years. She did not want to admit that it had less to do with the environment and more to do with the companionship of Derek Campbell. She had never felt so safe and protected as when she was aware of his presence. She never had felt more beautiful than when his gaze rested upon her. Wait a minute…Morag said he was in love with her. How had she glanced over that? Was it possible? He loved her? He, who hadn’t loved a breathing soul in his entire life? He, who had made her tremble with passion that she had not allowed herself to taste with any other man?
Quietly, she spoke and said, “What…do you mean he loves me? I know he could not tell you himself. He did not know you were here…in this time.”
With a look of annoyance, Morag said, “Nay, he did not. Until ye’ told him, thank ye’ very much. I knew he wouldna’ take news of that well. I could hear him cursing me all the way here and back. I just know. Unless ye’ are prepared to accept things that require faith, there is no point in telling ye’ how I know, but love ye’ he does. And without yer’ love, he will die where it counts. His body will no longer matter, if his soul is shuttered. If ye’ leave it as ye’ have, he will be no more and all that he has waited for and suffered in the centuries of his isolated solitude will have been for naught.”
“But what if someone else can love him?”
“Kiera MacCollum. Ye’ are a Seer. In nearly seven hundred years, none other could see him. None from his own time or clan or country. None over all that time that has passed, except ye’. He has been waiting for ye’. Ye’ were chosen for him. Deny it and ye’ deny him.”
Kiera felt her lip trembling. This really was too much to ask of anyone. She did not want to cry, but as tears leaked down her cheeks, she said, “What if the wrong one was chosen. I don’t think I am up to the challenges of loving someone from the past or…with…the limitations that will come with loving someone like him.”
“Ye’ just have to have faith, girl. Much is possible with the right amount of love and faith. I wouldna’ lie to ye’ about that. I am from his time, and here I am, a mortal woman sent to aid ye’ and him. How would that be so, unless ye’ could trust?”
Shaking her head as tears fell more rapidly now, Kiera could not speak. She did not want to tell Morag that she had banished Derek’s spirit. She was sure of it. It was what all the ghost seekers did. She had sent him away, possibly for good. How was she going to admit that if what Morag had said was true?
With weathered fingers, that still was capable of gentleness, Morag wiped the tears that fell like rain from the young woman’s eyes.
“Faith, girl. That is all it takes.”
And with that, she turned, leaning on her walking stick, she left Kiera’s apartments. Kiera tried to follow her, but for an old woman, she was amazingly swift and Kiera lost sight of her as she ran out of the Keep to chase her. As she looked around, the old woman was nowhere in sight. How the hell did she do that? Kiera had to admit there were things that were hard to believe, but she just could not let the walls of her heart down enough to love a man like Derek Campbell. There was just too much to overcome. The thing was, though, that if she allowed herself to ponder the words of the Ancient One, she would realize that those very same walls had crumbled a long time ago; perhaps even after encountering the presence of Derek Campbell that first time. It was just her own stubbornness that prevented Kiera from
stepping onto the path of faith and trust, as Morag had said.
Chapter 31
Kiera had thrown herself into the work around the Keep. She did not know how much longer she would be staying in Scotland, but she aimed to keep herself busy until she made a decision about her future. She did not want to have time to think because if she did, she would have to admit things to herself she was not prepared to admit. She would have to admit that she felt guilty for not having the faith and trust Morag had tried to encourage within her. She would have to admit that she had run away from her problems and the hurts of her heart from the past. She would also have to admit that she missed Derek’s presence in the Keep that had suddenly turned lifeless and empty. Despite the throngs of people that seemed to envelope the place daily, Kiera was certain she had never felt more alone in her entire life.
If she allowed herself to think of Derek, deep sadness would ensue because she knew she had forsaken him and maybe even doomed him to the finality of complete and total death; the death of his seemingly immortal soul. Wasn’t that what she was supposed to do, ultimately, though anyway? Wasn’t she supposed to have sent his soul onward? Kiera knew deep down in her heart that she had completely misunderstood her function and role but she consoled herself by rationalizing that she probably had sent him on to the “light”. She did not want to think about her final words to him. She had not blessed him at all, but cursed him to the pits of hell. She had not pushed him toward a healing plane but rather one of despair. Those sorts of thoughts made her feel sick inside. She could not allow them to take root or else she would be as lost as Derek.
There was one thing that Kiera could not put out of her mind, no matter how much she tried. She could not forget Morag’s words that Derek had fallen in love with her. Kiera tried to negate that with every fiber of her being, but the more she tried, the more she realized it was so. Nor could she deny that somehow, beyond all reason, she actually had fallen in love with him as well. When she was finally able to admit such a thing to herself, all the other defenses came crashing down. It happened quite abruptly, during a tour. She had gone into the main hall and began her spiel about the many lairds of the place. She avoided looking in the eyes of the painting of the Great Laird, because she was certain that if Gavin’s painted eyes would rest on her, they would show great disappointment. And then she saw it; the empty space where the painting of Jenna Brandham had hung. It was gone. Upon seeing the missing painting, deep foreboding crept into her heart. It was like a portent of the loss of Derek. It was as if it being missing was his final act before she sent him away. And then Kiera knew. He had taken it with him, wherever he had gone, because no matter what she had done to him, he wanted it to remind him of her.
He did love me. Oh what have I done?
Kiera felt the horror of it hit her like a punch to her midsection. She had doomed this man from a different world, who loved her despite who she was and where was from, to eternal torment. She wished she could take it back. The remorse and sadness that engulfed her was too much to conceal. She stared at the empty space on the wall and suddenly, it all came rushing back to her. Every encounter played itself in her mind and it nearly sent her to her knees. She had welcomed him that night in her dreams. She had encouraged him. She had found love in his arms and had responded to it, unholy though it may have been. Derek had not forced her. Hell, no one had. She had willingly participated in it. It had been the most powerful thing she had ever experienced and the reason it was powerful was because Derek loved her. He truly loved her. It wasn’t just sex for him, because in his altered state, it would have required a great deal of energy and effort to sustain. He had harnessed the energy just to be with her because he loved her and it was the only way he could show her.
With a paltry excuse of not feeling well, Kiera left the tour and made her way out of the keep. She gulped the air in order to aid her breathing. Surely, she felt as if she could not breathe. She called out, not caring who heard her, “Please come back. I am so sorry. Please let me talk to you.”
But as a cold breeze stirred the trees and the grass beneath her feet, Kiera only heard silence as her answer.
She wandered aimlessly back to her apartments and she paced back and forth before the fireplace. She noticed another splinter of wood had dropped from that void in the mantelpiece and she absently picked it up. She looked closer at the old wood that had made up the mantel and wondered why it was splintering now. She placed her finger in the now larger gouge that was forming in it and felt something hard had been lodged into the wood. When her finger connected with it, she pulled her hand back. She did not like the feel of it and for some reason, it added to her feeling of sadness. It was like feeling that thing in the wooden vault of the mantel brought a sense of deep hurt and aching into her heart. It filled her with doom and despair.
She just could not cease the pain in her heart. It was as if she had lost something that was part of her and Kiera knew exactly what that part was. She had to find Morag and ask for her help. Surely she would know what to do. It could not be too late. Morag said to trust. Morag said to have faith in the inexplicable. Morag could fix this, couldn’t she?
Kiera grabbed her bag and jacket and left the Keep. She practically ran the two miles to the little inn and prayed to run in to both Gavin and Morag. They would be able to help her. She would beg them and admit she had made a big mistake and they would help her. As Kiera breathlessly pulled the heavy door open to the inn, she was greeted by a friendly looking woman who appeared to be in her late sixties. The woman beamed a smile at her and asked, “Welcome. How can I help ye’?”
“Oh…well I was looking for Morag. I need to speak to her. Could you tell her it is important?”
“Who, dear? Are ye’ looking for a guest here?”
“Guest? No, she is usually the one who runs this place. You must know her. You work for her don’t you?”
“I think ye’ must be mistaken. I am the proprietor of the Inn and only have a few part timers to help.”
“But…that isn’t possible. She is a very elderly woman. She is also called Moira. Don’t you know who I mean?”
“Moira? The only Moira I know of lives in the village. But she is not what you would call elderly.”
Kiera felt a wave of panic rising inside of her. “I am Kiera Callum. I have been working in the Keep as a tour guide. Moira hired me.”
“Ah, yes, I heard they hired a yank to run things for a while. I’m afraid I dunna’ know the woman ye’ mean.”
“What about Gavin…I mean Duncan? He is the old cab driver. Do you know where I can find him?”
Shaking her head, the rosy cheeked woman said, “Sorry. I dunna’ know him. Perhaps, ye’ can seek them out in the village.”
“You don’t understand. I have to find them.”
“Is there something amiss at the castle?”
Kiera was beyond frantic now. Had she imagined the whole thing? Or was it that now that Derek’s spirit was no longer at the Keep, the old ones were no longer needed here in the present? Damn it! This could not be happening.
“Miss? Are ye’ alright?”
The voice of the woman broke through the fog in her brain and Kiera said, “No. I am not alright. I must find them. I just have to find them.”
“Come sit down. Let me get you a cup of tea. Ye’ look right upset. I am sure someone in the village will know of where to find your friends.”
“No thank you. I don’t want a cup of tea. I have to find them now. It is very, very important. Please, ma’am. Please help me find them.”
“I will ask around for ye’,” The woman said, eyeing the girl suspiciously. She probably thought Kiera was a lunatic. Kiera did not have time to ponder that. She needed to find Morag. Only, deep in her heart, Kiera knew that just as Derek was no longer with her, so too were Morag and Gavin gone. She had made a right mess of things and she had no one to blame but herself. Her walk back to the Keep was much less quick as the defeat of it all weighed upon her
. Kiera numbly took herself up to her quarters and she locked herself into her rooms. First, tears pricked at the back of her eyes and though she tried to fight them, they soon turned into gut wrenching sobs. The magnitude of her failure was almost too great to bear. She needed to talk to someone. She could not carry this by herself.
Kiera picked up her cell phone and pressed the numbers of her best friend. When she answered the phone, and heard Kiera’s voice, Jeanne said, “Oh, I am so glad you called. Are you alright?”
No, she was not alright. She didn’t think she would ever be alright again.
How was she going to explain this to Jeannie? She practically could not believe it herself, let alone try to explain it to someone else.
In a voice that sounded small in her own ears, Kiera said, “No. I don’t think I am alright.”
“What happened? Did Jax try to--”
“It isn’t Jax. Oh Jeanne, I have made a big mess of things.”
“What do you mean? You said you were happy in Scotland. Why just the other day, in fact.”
“I am…I was…but--”
“Why don’t you tell me what is really going on. I had a feeling you were keeping something to yourself.”
Kiera took a deep breath. She said, “I…oh, you wouldn’t believe me if I told you. I can hardly believe it myself.”
“You can tell me anything.”
“I…met…Well, I met someone. You were right, but I did not want to admit it.”
“Awesome. Tell me about him. Are you in love?”
As a sob escaped her, Kiera said, “Yes.”
“Why are you crying? Kiera, what happened?”
“I…sent him away. I probably won’t ever see him again.”
“Oh, girl…it was because of Jax, wasn’t it?”
“Jax had nothing to do with it. It was my fault completely. Jeannie, he is not like most guys. He is different. He is…well it doesn’t matter now, he is gone. And I broke his heart, to boot.”