‘I can’t today because of Johnny, we must ask his parents’ or, rather, his father’s permission before he does it. Anyway, there’s probably an age thing.’
‘I don’t know, but I’ve seen quite young children do it, after all they go up with an instructor, they’re not let loose on their own. Give me an hour and I’ll be with you.’
He rang off and she stood there for a moment feeling a mixture of relief and puzzlement. Why did Frank know all these things when he’d said he rarely came to London and then only for some quick business commitment. He lived in France and travelled all over the world wherever his journalistic work took him. She remembered Julian saying, not long before he became ill, that he wished Frank would come and live in London where there were surely more than enough legal articles to write and financial experts to interview. She hadn’t questioned Julian on it then, she wished she had now, for she wondered why Frank didn’t stay longer in London when he came over for work, and more importantly, when he was here why Julian never asked him home for supper or they all met up for dinner or something.
‘Are we going?’ Johnny broke into her thoughts, looking hopefully at her.
‘Yes, I have a great friend, Frank. He’s Laura’s godfather. He’s going to come here and take us to a club he knows. We won’t be able to do it ourselves, you knew that didn’t you?’ Seeing his disappointment, she put her arm round him. ‘I must ask your father’s permission and he’d surely want to see you do it for the first time,’ she finished lamely, suspecting that Douglas would never agree to having his insecure, little son skimming about like a kite high up in the sky, and after this, he, perhaps spurred on by Elspeth, might think Alice a bad influence and never let her look after Johnny on her own again.
Alice settled Johnny with his Lego and ran upstairs to make sure she looked her best, though Frank had seen her at her worst halfway up a tree and hadn’t minded, so why was she making such an effort now? She was not Petra or Margot who never went out, or probably even opened their front doors, without glamming up, but she brushed her hair until it shone and checked her make-up before going downstairs again to wait for him.
He was not long and she opened the door to him with Johnny creeping behind her.
He kissed her on both cheeks, smiling. He’d recently shaved and his skin felt taut and smooth and the scent of his aftershave made her long to hold on to him. She sprang away from him, afraid of sending out the wrong signals.
‘You look good,’ he said before turning to Johnny who watched him warily. ‘So Johnny, you want to watch paragliding?’
Johnny nodded, his body twitching with shyness and excitement.
‘Do you know somewhere we can go?’ Alice said, really for something to say, for she was feeling slightly dizzy with all of them cramped together in the narrow hall.
‘I do,’ he followed her into the living room. ‘It’s in Sussex. I’ve been there but not for some time, so I checked if it was still open, and it is. So when you’re ready we’ll set off, my car’s outside.’
He stood in the middle of the room, surveying it. He wore a pale pink shirt and a grey wool jacket and dark grey, wonderfully cut jeans and black loafers. The slightly continental combination could have looked effeminate on some men, but on Frank it seemed to define his masculinity.
She’d forgotten how attractive he was, or she hadn’t noticed, being so in love with Julian. She must stop being foolish; she was behaving like Petra, always falling for any passable man. Her body sparked with half-forgotten desire, then sorrow grabbed her, she was missing Julian. She liked men, liked being around them, and now he’d gone there was a huge male void in her life.
‘No thanks, just had breakfast; I’m ready to leave when you are. We can have lunch down there too, would you like that, Johnny?’ Frank smiled at him and Johnny smiled shyly back. He has a way with children, Alice thought, before remembering that he had his own.
‘How old are your children?’ she asked.
‘Oh, much older than Johnny, seventeen and nineteen.’
‘Do they come to London?’ She wondered why Julian had never told her Frank had children, perhaps he was godfather to one of them, but if he were surely she’d have known that?
‘Yes, sometimes,’ he said as if it was not important. He turned to Jonny and asked him if he was ready to leave and had his coat and everything.
Johnny nodded and ran to pick up his overnight bag that was still in the hall.
‘We’re coming back here tonight, you needn’t bring that,’ Alice said, but Johnny insisted and Alice, thinking he might feel insecure without it, said no more.
‘We must put in his car seat,’ she said to Frank, seeing it sitting in the hall; she’d forgotten about it. ‘Will it go in your car?’
‘I expect so,’ Frank said, ‘it’s a long time since I’ve had one of those.’ He smiled at Johnny. ‘I expect you can show me how to fix it.’
‘Daddy knows how to do it,’ Johnny said, his lower lip quivering when he realized that Daddy was not here to do it.
‘I’m sure I’ll manage it,’ Frank said to him. ‘Come and show me which side you’d like me to fix it.’ They left the house together, Frank adapting his pace to Johnny’s, while Alice locked up the house.
The seat went in easily and they set off. When they reached the A3 and were settled on their way, Alice said, ‘did you often come to London? It’s just that everyone seemed to know you at Mosimann’s, but I was under the impression you hardly ever came here, you never came to see us anyway.’ She hoped her remark sounded casual, as if it were of no consequence, though she was determined to find out more about his life.
‘I did come to London quite a bit, but it was always for work so I didn’t have time to see you.’ He glanced at her with a half smile,
‘But you saw Julian?’
‘Sometimes, but usually because we went to the same business meetings, but then I didn’t come here for a while, I was dealing with some large companies in Asia, so I missed his illness and saying goodbye.’ He turned back to the road, his face set hard as if he was controlling his emotions and she said no more for a while, then she remembered his nephew.
‘You have a nephew who lives here, don’t you?’ she said.
He glanced at her warily and she felt he was startled by her question she went on quickly. ‘I think it was Laura who said you had a nephew staying in your flat and I was just surprised we’d never met him. We could have entertained him. Is he the same age as my girls?’
‘No, he’s older, almost thirty, and you know how the age difference matters when they are teenagers.’
‘But all the same, we could have had him to a meal or something,’ she said, waiting for Frank to say more about him but he didn’t.
He seemed uncomfortable now. He stared ahead at the road, deep in thought. Perhaps his nephew had some problem? He could be autistic, there seemed to be a lot of that about, or maybe he’d been in trouble with drugs or something, or… she’d better not pursue the subject. If Frank had wanted to tell her about his nephew surely he would have done. She mustn’t pry into his life; it was none of her business.
She glanced at Frank surreptitiously, his profile serious now, wary – no she was imagining things, there was a lot of big, thundering lorries on the road, he was just concentrating on his driving. Having lived in France for so long perhaps he wasn’t used to driving on the left any more.
He seemed to have changed from the charming, devil-may-care man he’d been when he’d first arrived back here and the time he’d taken them out to dinner, and even since this morning. He was obviously upset about Julian’s death and was determined to do all he could for her and for Laura and he was so kind to give up his day for Johnny, but she felt now that he was a stranger and was keeping something to himself. She was pricked by anxiety, something about him was not quite right and she had no idea what it was.
22
Fluffy white clouds drifted across the sky like islands in a sea of blue. S
urely it was a perfect day to fly? Alice had watched people paragliding from the mountains in Switzerland, taking off on skis with an instructor, jumping over the edge of the mountain and then the sudden jerk as the airstream or thermals, whatever the technical terms were, caught the kite and it drifted like a strange bird of bright plumage over the snowy scene.
She’d wanted to have a go then, but Julian said, ‘It looks wonderful, but there’ve been quite a few accidents, and what if you don’t like it, you’ll be stuck up in the sky waiting for the right current of air to bring you down?’
‘But I’d be with an instructor,’ she’d said, thinking how amazing it would be floating in that silent sky surrounded by the savage beauty of the mountains. She’d seen the anxiety in his eyes. To fly was expensive and she wouldn’t be able to afford it herself, and she couldn’t expect Julian to pay if he didn’t want her to do it. The skiing holiday had cost enough as it was, and so she’d laughed, teased him about being afraid she’d fly away with one of the sexy instructors, and said no more about it.
Remembering that time now, she turned to Frank, who’d broken his brooding silence with an animated description of the times he had flown, in answer to Johnny’s tentative question about how many times he had done it.
‘Was there a reason, that you know of, why Julian was almost scared of such sports? I mean, we skied most winters and that can be quite dangerous, especially now with all those clowns on snowboards who don’t know how to manage them.’
He shrugged, ‘I don’t think so, he just liked to live safe, he had a family after all.’
They had reached the club, Frank seemed relieved, he turned in, saying, ‘Here we are Johnny, are you excited?’
‘Yes,’ Johnny answered, craning to look about.
They got out of the car; Johnny hovered close to her as they walked to the clubhouse, his eyes scouring the sky.
Frank said, ‘It may not be time to go up yet, you have to wait until the conditions are right, Johnny, but there are quite a few people here, so I expect they’ll go soon.’
‘Will you do it?’ Johnny was flushed with excitement; his face turned up to look at Frank.
‘I’ll see, I haven’t booked and as it is the weekend there will probably be lots of people wanting to have a go, but this time we’re here for you to watch.’ He smiled down at him.
‘But I’d like to watch you, know someone who’s done it,’ Johnny said eagerly.
It was the first time Alice had seen him so engaged, emerged from the shell he’d built around himself, and it was Frank who had achieved it. He’d listened to him, taken his views seriously when Johnny felt adrift with all the enormous changes in his young life. Frank caught her eye and she, full of warmth for his kindness, smiled back, unaware of how radiant she’d become. Their eyes caught and held and she had a sudden urge to be closer to him. It was like a scene in a film, she thought, the shot frozen as two people standing there among a crowd coming out of the clubhouse, suddenly becoming aware of each other, feeling a flare of attraction that surprised them. The spell was broken by Johnny pointing to the kites being loaded into a van, and Frank, with one last look at her making her heart race and wonder what on earth had got into her, followed behind them to inspect the kites more closely.
He soon got into a conversation with one of the instructors. Alice stood beside him with Johnny, listening to the jargon and then the instructor, a sandy-haired man with a rash of freckles over his face grinned, saying, ‘I’m sure we could fit you in,’ and looking at her, ‘and your… wife and even,’ he looked down at Johnny, ‘your son, if he’s over seven.’
‘He’s not my…’ Alice began, ‘and… I’m his grandmother, step… grandmother.’ She stopped, seeing the confusion on the instructor’s face. He’d thought her and Frank were married, or together anyway.
‘Jeez,’ the instructor swept his hand over his face as if to eradicate his mistake, ‘sorry,’ he grinned. ‘You don’t look old enough to be a grandmother.’
‘It’s OK,’ she said. ‘We’ve just come to look today.’
‘But the man said seven, and I am seven, well nearly, in four months,’ Johnny said, his eyes alight with excitement.
‘We’ll come back then, with your parents, I think we need their permission first,’ Frank said. ‘Now let’s go and watch them fly, then you’ll know if you really want to do it another time.’
‘You could write permission,’ Johnny regarded Frank with hope in his eyes.
‘Not without asking your father first, and anyway, I’m sure he’d love to see you taking your first flight,’ Frank said without much conviction.
They followed the van with all the gear to the place where the participants took off. They watched as the flyers launched themselves into the air, running while connected to a collection of straps and strings, a little ungraceful perhaps; large lumbering people until they were airborne and the brightly coloured kites dipped and soared like strange birds.
Alice watched, her feelings in turmoil; she was wary of Frank, feeling that he held a bundle of secrets that concerned Julian, their life together, the brother she’d only found out existed a few weeks ago, and, to her consternation, she realized she was strongly attracted to him. That moment when their eyes sent out signals to each other, she’d felt as if there were strong feelings between them and yet, apart from them both caring for Julian, they did not belong together.
23
It was a relief that the day seemed to be progressing happily, well for Johnny anyway, Alice thought. Still a little shaken by his utter despair when he’d first arrived in her house, now he was eager and excited, showering Frank with questions, that, bless him, he answered as fully as he could.
Douglas telephoned when they’d arrived in Scotland, his voice tense as if he’d been tortured all the way up by leaving his distraught son curled up on her doormat, and after a quick query as to how things were, asked to speak to him. He was surprised and not a little anxious at Johnny’s bubbling excitement of where he was.
‘I’m here with Granny Alice and Frank and we’re paragliding,’ Johnny announced breathlessly and Alice, squatting down beside Johnny, heard the fear in Douglas’s voice as he insisted on talking to her.
She glanced guiltily at Frank and took the mobile. Hoping she sounded cheerful, she said, ‘So you’ve arrived safely, all’s well here.’
‘It doesn’t sound it,’ Douglas said sharply. ‘I must say I’m disappointed in you… Mrs… Alice.’ She heard Laura in the background, say frantically, ‘What’s happened, is he all right?’
She was aware of Johnny watching her anxiously, the joy draining from his face as if he’d done something wrong, and Frank mouthing, ‘Shall I speak to him?’ When Douglas began listing Johnny’s insecurities and how doing something so dangerous with him would surely put him back months if not years, she pushed in: ‘Douglas, we are at a paragliding club watching not doing it,’ she said, emphasizing the words, irritated by his attitude.
‘But Johnny said…’
‘He meant we are watching it; he can’t do it until he is seven. We are just here having lunch, watching other people, it’s a lovely day and Frank has kindly brought us here.’ She knew she sounded impatient and hoped he wouldn’t take it out on Laura and ruin their time together at the wedding. She was about to ask to speak to her when he spoke.
‘I’m sorry, I jumped to the wrong conclusions, I’m just worried about him, he’s been more affected by… by things, his mother leaving and all. He’s quite a different character to Zara.’
His words mollified her and she accepted his apology, saying how much Johnny was enjoying the day and then passed the mobile back to Johnny. His spirits, having fallen at his father’s anxiety, perked up again while he described the scene.
Frank asked her what Douglas had said and when she told him he said, ‘Oh… perhaps we shouldn’t have come. I hope I haven’t made things difficult for you.’ He threw her a wicked smile, ‘Still not used to you being a mot
her-in-law, let alone a granny, but seriously,’ his voice became more sombre, ‘parents often cause more problems than they know, by showing fear of something themselves, making the child fearful, draining their confidence.’
‘I know… I wish she wasn’t marrying him.’ She turned her back on Johnny and lowered her voice so he wouldn’t hear. ‘I can understand his worry about how his divorce and the children’s mother leaving the country has affected them, but I don’t want Laura to be involved in it. She’s too young, I want her to marry a man with no complications, no previous children, so they can have fun together, just the two of them until they have their own family. That’s what Julian and I had and it was a precious time.’
Frank took a couple of steps nearer to her so he could hear her lowered voice. He leant close and she could feel his breath soft on her face, but when she said that she and Julian had had a precious time together before the children came, he moved back a fraction, his face took on that closed look again before he said, ‘Marriage is different today, it’s easy to divorce, there’s no shame in it as there used to be and some people leave for the most mundane of reasons. Laura’s situation is very common, but she’ll cope. I know she will.’ He smiled, put his hand on her arm, kind and comforting, and she wondered if she’d imagined his closed expression a moment before. Her feelings were in tumult, her daughters’ life-changing behaviour, her still learning to live without Julian and the ridiculous way her body was reacting whenever Frank stood close to her. She must stop imagining things, why shouldn’t he disappear into his own thoughts without her thinking he was guarding all sorts of secrets, things that he and Julian got up to when they were together? No one owned anyone else, she reminded herself firmly, not even two people who loved each other and shared so much as she and Julian had done.
Johnny finished talking to Douglas on the mobile and handed it back to her, his little body seeming more crushed as he was cut off again from his father.
Mothers and Daughters Page 13