Since Frank’s revelations Alice found that she admired Freya even more for putting her children’s welfare before her heartache over Nick’s behaviour, though they were young children still dependant on their home life.
Later, after lunch, Alice went on to meet Margot at her house. It was a relief to discuss colours and materials and choosing pretty ribbons and braid to trim the baskets. They added lined laundry baskets to their range and whole matching sets of baskets for the nursery.
‘Sam says we should have a website, sell on the Internet,’ Margot told her of her son’s idea. ‘We’d have to find more people to help Edith and Amy and we don’t want them to feel we think it is too much for them.’
‘Let’s see how this lot go first,’ Alice said. They’d had quite a few orders from their advertisement. ‘How many have they done already, should one of us fetch them?’ She didn’t want to go to Suffolk, but she did want to see Bunny, he’d captured her heart, as she’d known he would. Whatever the circumstances of his birth, he was not to blame and he was part of the family now, a person to be treasured.
‘I can’t go just now.’ Margot looked cagey. ‘You should go, see your grandson, stay a night down there? We do need to have some finished baskets up here to be able to sell in London and see if some of the small children’s shops would stock them.’
It was on the tip of her tongue to ask Margot why she couldn’t go to Suffolk. She’d always managed before to take her turn on driving there and she liked to see Edith and Amy and keep an eye on their work, but she kept quiet. Alice had an uncomfortable feeling that something was not quite right. Margot had been withdrawn all afternoon, staring into space, and though Alice had asked if anything was wrong, Margot said hurriedly, ‘No, why should there be?’ in a tone that forbade further questions.
‘OK, I’ll go then. Laura wants another fitting. So I’ll take her with me,’ Alice said, remembering Laura saying at lunch that she wasn’t sure she liked the sleeves of her dress. ‘I’ll text her and see when she can manage it.’
‘Thanks, I’ll go next time,’ Margot said, starting to pack up the fabrics and the ribbons for her to take.
They left for Suffolk a couple of days later, Laura now stressing that she’d put on weight and wouldn’t fit into the dress,
‘You’re never fat, darling,’ Alice reassured her. Laura was a larger build than dainty little Evie but she wasn’t fat.
The drive was slow with many lorries on the road, Laura fell asleep and Alice left to herself was hit with a sudden thought that buzzed into the back of her mind like an annoying wasp. The three of them would be together, alone in the cottage tonight. It could well be the last time before the wedding. She must tell them about Ned.
She’d asked Cecily’s advice when she’d last seen her a few days ago. ‘I’m dreading telling them, upsetting their image of their father. Do you think I really have to? Julian didn’t think it worth telling me, so perhaps…’ Her anger with him burned, how could he have died and left this bombshell behind?
‘I don’t know what he thought about it or why he didn’t tell you, but I think you must tell them, they are adults after all and secrets can often cause more upset than the truth,’ Cecily said firmly. ‘Think how it distressed you, finding out, and how angry you are with Julian for not telling you, disturbing your good memories of him. You don’t want them finding out some other way and thinking the same of you, far better to get it out in the open.’
‘You’re right, I’ll have to tell them, but look how they reacted when Julian died.’ Her stomach churned with the dread of telling them.
‘I know. That was unfortunate, but surely they’re over that. Evie won’t have another baby now she’s juggling one with her work, and from what you tell me, Nick has moved on. Laura’s about to get married, and unless she calls it off nothing worse will happen.’ Cecily smiled, took her hand, ‘Alice, it’s not you who did this but Julian and he shouldn’t have left it for you to do. These things are never easy, perhaps Frank would help you tell them, after all he was there when it all happened, and knows Ned well.’
‘Oh, no, that won’t work,’ she said hurriedly, she couldn’t possibly involve Frank.
Cecily regarded her thoughtfully before saying, ‘It was Julian’s doing and Julian’s responsibility. I’m very disappointed that he never told me that I had a great-nephew, especially since Ned lived in London for a while, but for whatever reason, he chose not to tell us and we can do nothing about it now.’
‘He should have told you, Cecily, I wonder why he didn’t.’
‘That was his choice, it’s not something you want to share with everyone,’ Cecily said. ‘But once you’ve done it you’ll feel better about it, have them to share it with, but don’t let it ruin your happy memories of Julian. Remember they are all you have left now so cherish them.’
Alice thought of Cecily’s advice as they trailed alone the busy road, held up again by roadworks. It was a great relief when they at last turned down the lane to the cottage and arrived.
Evie and Bunny came out to greet them, Evie asking why it had taken them so long, seeming pleased to see them.
Bunny had grown and become more alert and seemed a cheerful little boy, though he called out often for attention, which Alice was happy to give him, bouncing him on her knee or cuddling him while she fed him or he slept. She noticed that Evie appeared to be glowing with some inner joy. Motherhood obviously suited her. She’d finished her illustrations they were much admired by the publishers and she had a few weeks respite before having to start on the next book.
‘I’ve decided to call him Raphael, Raffi for short, and Julian after Dad, for his middle name, so he can choose which one he likes best when he’s older,’ she announced proudly when they were all sitting together with tea and a rather battered chocolate cake Evie had baked for them.
‘A good choice. Unusual,’ Alice said, wondering how she’d come to settle on the name.
‘Raphael, who do we know called Raphael?’ Laura stared expectantly at her sister as if waiting for some fascinating revelation.
Evie blushed, a soft rosy glow covering her face. She turned away from them, fiddling with some late flowering roses she’d picked from the garden and put in a vase in the living room. Alice waited. ‘Someone I know suggested it,’ Evie said vaguely. ‘Bunny’s a bit… well we don’t want it to stick, do we?’
‘No, Raphael… Raffi is perfect,’ Alice said hurriedly. ‘Now we’d better get over to Edith and Amy and we’ll all have supper together this evening. I’ll get something nice on the way back.’ She didn’t feel like eating, perhaps none of them would when they’d heard what she had to say.
When they left the fitting, the car was full of pretty baskets, making Evie exclaim and beg to have a set for herself.
‘I’ve already ordered one for you,’ Alice said, ‘but we need these to try and sell in London.
Later they ate supper together, though she could hardly swallow, and then, just as Evie said she was going to have a shower before settling down to a television programme she liked, she said, ‘Just stay a second, darling, sit down I’ve something to tell you, something difficult, but it has to be said.’
Both girls exchanged anxious looks with each other. Evie sunk down on the sofa close to Laura, who put down the magazine she was flicking through.
‘You’ve got some terrible illness,’ Evie blurted, her eyes round with fear.
Laura leant over and touched her, her voice raw, her eyes wild, ‘You haven’t, have you, Mum?’
‘No… nothing like that. No. It’s something to do with your father…’
‘Don’t say he’s not really our father,’ Evie said, the relief that her mother was not ill struggling with her new fear.
‘No, he is your father, please listen, it is difficult for me to tell you but I must, you have a right to know. Frank told me. Your father never even hinted about it, so it came as a great shock to me.’ The tears, tears of fury as well as betrayal,
surged up in her. She thought of Cecily; she would be strong, face it squarely, and tell it as it was. ‘You know Frank is one of your father’s dearest friends, well Dad’s real friend was his older brother, Henry, and Henry had a terrible riding accident and died.’ She was never going to tell anyone about Julian’s part in this that would be kept private. ‘Naturally they were all very upset and then Dad fell in love with their sister, Sarah and…’ she paused and Laura said quietly, ‘I suppose they had a baby, did they marry? Were you and Dad married, properly married I mean?’
‘Not bigamy,’ Evie burst out. ‘Don’t tell me Dad had two wives and two lots of children at the same time.’
‘No.’ This was turning into a farce. ‘They never married. Sarah left Britain to study in America and found later that she was having Dad’s baby. She fell in love with someone out there and married him.’
‘So what you’re saying is we have a half… what, brother or sister?’ Laura demanded.
‘A half-brother, Ned, only Dad never told us about him.’
‘Perhaps he didn’t know,’ Evie said. ‘You said the girl only found out she was pregnant when she’d left here.’
‘He did know, he often saw him. Even though Ned lives in America, he studied and worked in London not far from us, in Queens Gate, and he never told us.’
36
Alice couldn’t sleep and tossed and turned in one of the single beds in the spare room. Evie had taken over the master bed since she’d been alone with Raffi, putting his cot into the en-suite bathroom so she could hear him easily in the night, and for that Alice was glad. She didn’t want to feel Julian’s presence in the dark beside her, remember how often they made love here, more often than they did in London, as being in the cottage always had a relaxed, holiday feel about it.
She had told them the truth, it was over and she should be relieved. They hadn’t been as shocked as she had, they’d even found it exciting. ‘A brother, great, I’ve always wanted a brother,’ Evie exclaimed, and even Laura seemed pleased. ‘Babies do get born to people who aren’t married,’ she said pointedly. ‘Do you think she did it to trap him, wanted to marry him herself?’
‘I’ve no idea.’ Alice didn’t want to think about it, let her imagination take wing and throw up all sorts of lurid scenarios.
She’d cried when she told them, saying how hurt she was that Julian hadn’t told her about it. They’d been together all those years and he’d never even hinted at it, and though the girls hugged her, begged her not to cry, they saw it differently.
‘He didn’t want you to be upset and you would have been, you’d have interrogated him, Mum, wouldn’t you? Making it worse than it was,’ Laura said kindly. ‘It happened before he knew you, it would be much worse if he’d sloped off and had an affair behind your back.’ She threw Evie a sharp look, though Evie didn’t see.
‘I think it makes Dad rather exciting,’ Evie said. ‘He made us think he was a very cautious, careful man and all the time he’d led this secret life.’ Her eyes shone as if she’d suddenly found out that her father was really James Bond.
‘It’s not the sort of excitement I want, and at the very least he could have told us… me.’ She’d dreaded the girls being upset by their father’s betrayal but in fact they seemed to admire him more because of it.
The next morning after they’d all had time to absorb the news, Laura and Evie bombarded her with questions about Ned. Could he come to the wedding, if only she’d known about him, Laura said, he could have given her away.
‘But you’ve asked Frank and he’s accepted and is paying for most of the wedding, you can’t put him off now. I don’t know how much Ned knows about us, if anything. He’s got to get to know us, and there’s no time with the wedding only weeks away. I think it best to take it slowly. I can’t get my head round it just now, there’s been too many things to think about,’ Alice said. She’d have to accept Ned in their lives if the girls wanted to get to know him; after all he was their half-brother. But would she want him in her life, a clone of his father, a reminder of a life she’d never known about? ‘Also imagine the drama if people found out he was your father’s son, it will spoil the day for you, Laura, it’s your day after all.’ Alice knew what it would be like if Ned came to the wedding, all the attention would be on him and she couldn’t bear it: the gossip, the whispers, and the incredulity.
‘I’ve told Douglas and he’s amazed,’ Laura said. ‘He wonders why Dad didn’t tell us ages ago.’ She regarded Alice warily.
‘It is odd he didn’t tell, I mean I’d tell my husband or whatever about Raffi,’ Evie said, lurching the baby over her shoulder to wind him.
‘Perhaps men feel differently, and as you say, Mum, the girl didn’t know she was pregnant for ages. There wasn’t much sex education when Dad was young or reliable birth control, was there?’ Laura said. ‘But I do wish he’d told us. I’d have liked to get to know Ned.’
‘You’re sure he is Dad’s?’ Evie frowned. ‘I mean, you all seemed so unclued up about sex and all then, what if Ned is the other man’s, the one she married?’
‘No, I’m sure Ned is his,’ Alice said. ‘I saw him.’
‘What! Why didn’t you tell us?’ Both girls chorused together.
‘We didn’t speak, he didn’t even see me, and if he had he wouldn’t have known who I was. I saw him coming out of Frank’s block of flats and crossing the road and I thought he was Dad.’ She went on to explain the scene to them, the shock of seeing him, mistaking him for Julian and realizing that it couldn’t be him. She didn’t tell them about the sorrow she’d felt and now the anger that he had died and left behind an image of himself to taunt her.
As the girls, especially Evie, discussed it, they made excuses for their father’s behaviour. ‘I think he feels more human knowing this about him,’ Evie said.
‘Being like you, you mean,’ Laura retorted.
‘No squabbling, girls,’ Alice said weakly.
While Laura and Evie were finding excuses for their father’s actions, Alice felt they skated round Nick, who was hardly a good example of a loving, caring father and she wondered if they would compare their own father to him. Had Julian just left Ned to be bought up by Sarah’s family, opted out, as Nick seemed to be doing with Raffi?
Her daughters, or anyway Evie, might pretend they didn’t know what was said about Nick’s inability to keep his trousers done up and father children with women other than his wife. Would some people – Elspeth, Laura’s dire future mother-in-law, came to mind – say the same things about Julian when they heard the story give her something else to disapprove of?
She should be above caring what people like Elspeth thought, but it was Laura who’d bear the brunt of it. Julian had changed in Alice’s mind; she could no longer feel the presence of the man she’d loved for so long. He’d gone, leaving behind a stranger, setting her adrift from the person she’d thought herself to be.
37
Alice and Laura got back to London late on the Sunday night, and Laura stayed over, leaving early the next morning for work. Soon she’d move back home, having given up her flat, and in a few weeks she’d be married.
Laura had never lived with Douglas, perhaps because of his children being there. Alice knew there were times when the children stayed with their mother or grandparents and the two of them would spend some time together alone, but perhaps not enough time. Having to go to school and all, the children spent the majority of their time with their father, so there couldn’t be much privacy and time for getting to know each other.
It was difficult to know what was right. Some of her friends’ daughters had moved in with boyfriends and then the relationships had turned sour and they’d been cast out with nothing. On the other hand, if two adults had never lived together they might find it hard to settle into each other’s rhythms. Alice had been so young, able to adapt easily to Julian, and he came alone unencumbered with children – well, so she had thought at the time.
Now sh
e’d become too set in her ways to dovetail into another man’s life, especially as she was just beginning to enjoy her independence, and, though she’d welcome Julian back, the man he used to be, the man she’d believed he was, she didn’t know that she wanted to live with someone else now.
She was contemplating this over her third cup of coffee when the doorbell went. It must be the postman or some delivery; things for the wedding were coming in most weeks now. She opened the door with a smile on her face: it was Frank.
The two of them stood there regarding each other a moment, then Frank said, ‘May I come in? I know it’s early but I want to see you and Laura told me you came back from Suffolk last night.’ He didn’t wait for her answer, walking in and standing in the narrow hall, watching her.
She couldn’t think what to say, her heart was doing a sort of jig; perhaps she’d have a seizure and collapse on the floor, though there wouldn’t be room for both of them in this narrow passage. She was relieved that she was dressed and made up. She always liked to start the day ready for it, lounging about her in nightclothes made her feel sloppy and lethargic.
‘I suppose you want to talk about Julian and Ned and all of them.’ She turned her back on him and walked through the house into the large kitchen. The sun shone through the window, touching the room with syrupy light. She faced him. ‘I told the girls about Ned this weekend.’
‘I know, and did it cause fainting fits, hysteria, outrage and hatred of their father?’
There was an edge of laughter in his voice and she hated him, hated him for keeping such news from her, for ruining the picture she had of Julian and now seemingly taking it so lightly.
‘You don’t understand,’ she said, ‘it might be old news to you, even a joke but it’s not for me, finding out that my husband was leading a double life, a life that it seems you colluded in. Is there any more to it than you told me?’ Her mouth set firm, her eyes glittered with angry tears.
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