by Opal Adams
Ellie sat on her heels and looked up at me. "You okay?"
"I have to go and deal with this." Then I ran a hand over my face. I was being harsh, when Ellie hadn't done anything wrong. I offered her a hand, pulled her to her feet, then pressed a soft kiss to her lips. "I'm sorry."
She kissed my cheek. "It's okay. I understand."
I left the room, leaving Ellie sitting in my chair, staring at the floor. My stomach was in knots, and I wanted to tell Den to tell Mindy to fuck off, and to stay with Ellie, but I couldn't. Mindy had threatened me with scandal that I didn't want, so I had no choice but to go and see what she was after this time.
Or, to go and see how much money she wanted this time.
She was standing at the door to the studio, tapping away on her phone and I clenched my fists once before approaching her. I wasn't going to let it ruin my mood this time. I'd just had the best head of my life, there was no reason my ex-wife had to ruin that.
I stalked past her and gestured for her to follow me outside where we could at least have a bit of privacy.
"What are you doing here, Mindy? I told you not to come to my work again."
"I needed to speak to you."
"We both own phones, and we both employ lawyers."
"The money you gave me, it's not enough. I need more."
"You need more for what, Mindy? What is it that you're desperate to buy and can't afford with the millions you're already getting off me?"
"It's none of your business what I spend my money on."
"Only it's not your money, it's mine."
"I want a holiday with my new boyfriend."
"Do your other boyfriends know who you're going with?"
She let out a bitter laugh. "Just because I didn't want to stay faithful to you doesn't mean I don't have it in me. Are you going to give me the money, or do I need to give the journalists a call?"
I rolled my eyes, and refused to clench my fists or kick something like I wanted to. "You'll get your money."
Her smile was nasty. "Good. I'm glad to hear it."
I didn't bother telling her not to come back to my work, or to get lost, I just walked out and left her standing outside the studio. My face was like thunder, and I wanted nothing more than to tell Den I was going home and drown my sorrows in a glass of good whisky.
But I couldn't, because when I went back into my dressing room Ellie was still there, and she'd fetched me a cup of coffee and a muffin while I'd been outside. "Hey," she said softly, looking more than prepared to get a telling off from me.
So, I forced myself not to be harsh, and took the muffin with an attempt at a smile. "Thank you."
She fidgeted, and eventually said, "If you want to talk to me about it you can, but I understand if you'd rather not."
She vacated my chair and let me sit down. I did so heavily, head in my hands, and then the words came tumbling out of me. "My ex-wife is blackmailing me."
Ellie's eyes widened, and her grip tightened on the cup of tea she'd made herself. "How? What does she have on you?"
"She doesn't actually have anything on me, other than the fact we were married for ten years. She can tell journalists things that create problems for me."
Her face twisted. "That's horrible. How could she do that?"
"She's a nasty person."
"But to do that to someone you've been in love with? I can't even imagine how someone's mind could work like that."
I laughed, long and bitter, and I hated how much that made me sound like Mindy. She was the sarcastic, nasty, bitter one, not me. I shouldn't be letting myself be dragged down to that level. "She didn't ever love me, she loved my money, and right now she's doing everything she can to keep that money."
Ellie looked like she had no idea how to respond to that. She put down her tea and linked her fingers together, her bottom lip worried between her teeth. She was thinking something through, hard, and I had no insight into her mind.
"I just don't get it," she finally said. "I just don't understand how someone could feel that way about you." She stepped forward and pressed a kiss to my cheek before slipping from the dressing room, as though she was embarrassed by what she'd just said.
I was left to stare at the door, every part of me in turmoil.
I liked her.
I liked her so much that I'd stopped filming a scene because I needed to fuck her, and then I'd actually talked to her about Mindy.
I couldn't have imagined myself doing either of those things before Ellie.
But then there was the threat of the tabloids looming over me. Just like Mindy could go to the papers and scandalize me enough to affect my career, being caught fucking Ellie could do the same.
She was a poisoned chalice, but I wanted her so badly it was painful.
I could stop myself, though. I needed to stop myself.
More than that, though, I needed to tell Ellie my decision. I was playing games with her right now, and it wasn't fair. She was new to acting, and I was toying with her, even if I didn't mean to.
After filming tonight, we'd have a conversation and set our relationship straight, and then we could go back to how things had been in that first five minutes we spent together.
5.
ELLIE
I was exhausted by the end of the day.
All the feelings I'd ever felt in my life seemed to be trivialized by the past week.
It had been a complete roller coaster, and I was sure I wasn't even close to getting off yet.
Aaron was gorgeous; he was gorgeous and charming and he made my skin burn just by looking at me, but he was far from perfect. Or, our situation was far from perfect. He had a vindictive ex-wife, a media following that kept track of his every move, and a career that he obviously valued above everything else in his life.
But it wasn't just him. I had a promising career. Just twenty-two and I'd already landed a big budget role. I had job security for the rest of my life as long as I didn't make myself unappealing to people.
The problem was that if people thought I was fucking my way to the top, it might make me too appealing to some people, and I didn't want that burden.
It wasn't just the situation with Aaron that was tiring me out, though. The whole acting thing was draining my energy so rapidly I felt like I could barely stand up when I got home, never mind get through any of my paperwork, or deal with the PR things that Dana was constantly shoving in my direction. Talk shows and radio appearances. I just couldn't stomach looking at it.
By the end of the day today, all desire had disappeared, and frustration had replaced it.
Aaron, as much as he'd tried to get his head back in the game, was still angry about his ex, and he couldn't stop it affecting the filming. His anger only got worse the more we had to retake the scene, and I was surprised Dennis made it go on for as long as it did. It was inevitable that we were going to use one of the first three takes in the end.
The ones before we'd hidden in his dressing room and I'd sucked him off.
I gnawed on the inside of my cheek as I scrubbed the makeup off my face for the day. I must have looked terrible, on my knees with bruises and cuts painted onto my face, but he hadn't seemed to care. He'd been looking at me as though I was the most beautiful girl in the world, and the sound he'd made when he came still made a shiver run down my spine.
When he subtly asked me back into his dressing room at the end of the filming day, I was torn. Part of me wanted to just ignore him, pretend that I'd missed the cue and get home to a glass of wine and a takeout meal where I might finally be able to relax.
I knew this wasn't a booty call. He was still mad, and I had a feeling this was finally going to be us having a conversation about how unrealistic a relationship was between us, and that we should stop taking risks. Neither of us believed that having casual sex with each other was more important than our careers.
And I refused to believe that this was anything more than casual sex, because if I did it all became that much more tra
gic, and therefore that much harder to deal with.
He shut the door behind us, and I didn't bother trying to hide just how tired I was anymore. I practically slumped against the wall, pinning my hair back in a bad attempt at a bun.
Aaron frowned. "You okay?"
"Just tired."
"Yeah, I feel that. Tomorrow will be a better day."
"What is it you wanted to talk about?" I didn't feel like going over the details of my doubts and fears, not tonight, when I was already so tired. I just wanted to get this conversation over and done with, and put Aaron and I behind me.
He cleared his throat, and almost couldn't meet my eyes. I never thought that I'd see Aaron Palmer look awkward about something. It was incredibly endearing, and that wasn't helping anything. "I wanted to talk about us."
"Yeah, that's kind of what I guessed."
"I don't want to sound cold or selfish, but—"
I chuckled, cutting him off. "We're on the same page, don't worry about it."
His shoulders sagged, and I was sure it was relief not disappointment. "Good. It's not you, it's just with everything with Mindy, if the press got a hold of this it could be a disaster, and this is my first gig in two years. I don't want to risk making it my last."
My stomach was in knots, even though this should have been an easy conversation. A simple agreement between two people who hadn't even fucked yet that it was the right thing to do. But it hurt. It hurt so much that I felt tears stinging in my eyes, and that made me feel like a stupid, silly little girl who was in too deep too quickly. I'd let myself be naïve. "It's bad enough that I only got my part because my agent was fucking the director, I don't want people thinking I got it because I was fucking you, too."
His lip quirked, but he didn't look pleased. His anger had dissolved into dejectedness.
"I hope it doesn't make things too weird."
"It'll work itself out in a couple of days." After all, it had only taken us a couple of days to get to this point, why couldn't we go in the opposite direction?
"And I hope I haven't made your first filming experience too bad."
"You definitely haven't."
There was an awkward silence, and I hated it. Things had never really felt awkward between us before.
"Okay, well, I'm going to take off. I'm exhausted. I'll see you tomorrow, though?"
His smile was tight. "See you tomorrow."
I caught a cab home instead of driving. My head was in the clouds, and I was scared I'd crash if I got behind the wheel. I grabbed a fresh bottle of red from the cupboard and an oversized glass. Then I picked out an extortionate amount of food from the Chinese menu and found some trashy TV to waste my evening on. I had a missed call from Dana, but I ignored it. I didn't check my emails.
When the phone rang I only answered because I was expecting it to be the delivery guy telling me he was outside. When my mom's cheerful, "Hi, sweetie," came out of the receiver, I regretted answering at all.
"Hey, mom." I was forced to stand up and hover in the window to watch for my food now since my mom was on the line.
"How is it going? We haven't spoken since filming started."
I stared out of the window, waiting for my excuse to hang up to arrive. "It's going well. We've already gotten through quite a few important scenes. We're going to film on-location in two weeks."
"Where will that be?"
"New York."
"Exciting!"
My smile was weak, and I was glad she couldn't see it. "Yeah, it really is." I'd never actually been to New York, and I should have been excited about it, but if it was anything like filming now I'd be too exhausted to actually see any of the city anyway.
"You don't sound like you're very excited."
I held in a sigh, and stopped myself from spilling everything. It was everything my mom had always wanted, and saying that I was having doubts would be like rubbing that into her face. "I'm just tired today. You caught me at a bad time, that's all."
My mom hummed, but didn't question me further. "Okay. I know how stressful filming can be sometimes. Just remember that it's always worth it. I'll talk to you later then, sweetie."
She hung up just as the takeout guy stepped out of his car, and I slammed the phone down on my couch after putting it on silent.
I wasn't going to be disturbed by anyone tonight.
6.
ELLIE
New York was everything I'd expected it to be: beautiful, busy and bustling.
I was also everything I'd expected me to be: exhausted and demotivated.
As much as I hated to admit it, my relationship with Aaron had been strained. We'd been friends, but it hadn't been a clean two weeks of tension-free conversation and smiles. It had gone from one extreme to the other: intense attraction that built to something so big that we had to ignore each other for a few hours to calm down. There were such big highs and lows that I was exhausted.
I'd been hoping for something stress-free. A bit of flirting and tension. It should have been easy.
Only it wasn't.
Take after take of us standing next to each other, either wanting to jump each other or wanting to run in the opposite direction.
It wasn't just Aaron that was taking its toll, though. I was seriously starting to doubt how cut out I was to be playing a big role in a top film. Instead of getting better each take, I knew I was getting worse. Instead of getting there early, trying to make sure I networked and met people, I was always getting there at the last minute, and praying that I needed to spend a long time in hair and make-up so that I could spend less time behind the camera.
More than anything, I just wasn't finding it fun. I didn't enjoy it.
And if I wasn't enjoying acting when I'd been given every opportunity, what was I going to do with my life?
So, it was in tears in an expensive hotel suite in New York that I gave my mom a call.
"Hello, sweetie," she answered. "How are you? How is New York? I'm very jealous."
I swiped at my eyes, and tried to make myself sound normal. Of course she was jealous, I was doing everything she'd always wanted me to achieve. I had no idea how I was supposed to tell her that I might actually hate it. "Hey, mom. I'm just... I'm having a bit of a crisis, actually."
There was a beat of silence. "What about? I'm sure we can talk it out."
"About acting. This whole thing. I'm really not enjoying myself filming this movie."
Another beat of silence. This one was longer. "You always knew that this was going to be a difficult profession. I tried to prepare you for that."
There was no doubt that my mom had prepared me for it. Ever since I could remember, watching a movie at home had never just been watching a movie. It had always included a running commentary about which actors were doing good and bad and why. There was always a snide tone about how she could have done better if she'd been in that part.
I'd been taken along kicking and screaming to my acting classes sometimes, with a slap on the back of the legs telling me to stop being a spoiled brat. That these were costing money and I wasn't going to squander my potential career like she had.
My stomach was in knots now as I struggled to stop myself shouting down the phone that her preparation had made her a shit mom; that I saw her as a teacher, not as a parent.
"I'm really just not having a good time, mom." This was where she could redeem herself. Tell me that if it wasn't what I wanted to do, then I shouldn't do it. Tell me that my happiness was what mattered most.
"You've worked your entire life for this."
"I know I have."
"You shouldn't be willing to give up the opportunity of a lifetime like this."
True again. So many people would kill to be where I was, and I was ready to quit after a month of filming. My parents had paid for my entire education with money they'd been saving since they first got married.
How selfish and stupid was I being?
"I know, mom. I'm sorry. I'm just having a bit of a ro
ugh patch, that's all. I'll figure it out, I promise."
"You know that you can always call me or your dad if you need to chat."
"I know." But right now my mom wasn't the person I needed to talk to. I needed to speak to someone who was going to motivate me, not make me feel bitter and guilty. "I'll give you a call if I need to. I'll talk to you later, mom. Love you."
"Love you too, sweetie."
When she hung up, I hovered over Aaron's number, wondering if I could really do this; if it was really a good idea.
He was the only person I could think of that would be able to convince me, without a doubt, that my mom was right, though. I didn't know any of the other actors well enough to talk to them about this, and I didn't want to give anyone in the production team reason to doubt me. People talked, and even if this movie was a success, there would still be a question mark over my head. I was still very new.
I took a deep breath, and then dialed the number.
He answered on the second ring. "Ellie?" He probably thought there was something seriously wrong if I was calling him when we'd agreed that seeing each other outside of work was a bad idea, but in a way something was seriously wrong.
"Hey," I said, feeling sheepish. "I was wondering if I could chat with you about something. Feel free to tell me if you're doing something else, though." I didn't want to force this conversation on him, either. He hadn't volunteered to be my mentor.
"You can talk to me about anything. What's up?"
"I think I might hate being an actress, and I don't know what do to about it."
I was surprised when he laughed. "I think that might require something a bit more face-to-face. Do you want to grab a drink?"
I didn't hesitate before telling him I did. I was probably going to have a breakdown rather than making a move on him. I wasn't very worried that this would lead to something sexy.
"Sure. I'd love to."
7.
AARON
I tapped my phone against my thighs, wondering if I was being an idiot.