‘Ensnared?’ Nathan queried.
‘Julia makes Olivia seem like Mother Teresa,’ Annie filled in, her tone derisive. ‘She’s done this to Holly before, and is a real bitch to her.’
Will nodded, taking up the story again. ‘This time Julia managed to marry the man Holly wanted.’
‘Only because she trapped him by getting pregnant without his knowledge. He did the decent thing, but Julia doesn’t give a damn about Gus…and you can see how miserable they all are. I just don’t understand how Julia could do such a thing,’ Annie raged, her disgust and indignation evident.
Nathan felt as if all the air had been sucked out of his lungs. As sympathetic as he was for Holly’s situation, it was his own remembered pain and confusion that was uppermost in his mind once more. Aware of the quiet in the room, he stood up, his gaze focused on Annie, on the puzzlement in her face as she looked at him. Could she really not know? Had she buried her memories so deep that the irony just didn’t occur to her?
‘Don’t you, Annie?’ he asked, keeping his voice deceptively soft, managing to mask the sudden anger licking through him if not the welling of hurt. ‘I would have thought you’d understand perfectly. It’s what you planned to do to me, after all.’
CHAPTER SIX
SHE was a coward. That was the only explanation, Annie admitted, as she lay alone in the dark bedroom at her old family home in Yorkshire, listening to the wind rattle the roof slates and the darts of rain dash against the window. She had run away—again.
After Nathan’s devastating bombshell, she had no longer been able to suppress the truth—the reality she had somehow managed to twist around in her mind in order to survive the full horror of what had happened five years ago and her part in it. Overwhelmed with confusion, and swamped by guilt as Nathan had walked out of the staffroom, she had been left alone with Will, who had all but marched her from the hospital and taken her home.
The conversation that had followed made her groan even now.
‘Annie, you know I want to help you, but this can’t go on. It was one thing pretending we were a couple for a day or two, but things are getting out of hand,’ Will stated, sitting her down, his expression serious. ‘How long are you going to punish Nathan? You are deliberately hurting him, and it’s just not like you to be cruel. It’s time to deal with it. What happened? You told me Nathan dumped you, rejected you.’
‘It felt like that.’ She cringed inside at the lameness of her answer, hating that she sounded so juvenile and knowing Will wouldn’t let her get away with it.
‘Come on, hon. Nathan wouldn’t have said what he did in the staffroom if you hadn’t hit a nerve with your comment about Julia.’
A flush warmed her face and she looked away, finding it hard to come to terms with her actions, shocked by the way she had so successfully blanked out her own selfish mistakes and blamed Nathan for everything. ‘I felt a desperate need for security. I panicked and demanded that he marry me. I urgently wanted commitment and…God, Will, I threatened to stop taking the pill and get pregnant,’ she whispered, forcing the horrible confession out into the open, ashamed it had taken Nathan’s painful accusation to make her acknowledge her responsibility.
‘Where did that desperation come from?’ Will asked, sitting close and taking her hand in his.
‘I don’t know. I’ve never thought about it before. My father had died six months earlier…’ She paused, affected even all this time later, pained to remember that her rock throughout that terrible time of grief had been Nathan. His support and understanding and care had been unwavering. And how had she repaid him? ‘I was devastated. Lost.’
‘Oh, Annie…’
‘I loved Nathan. I told him that if he really loved me he’d agree to what I wanted.’ She closed her eyes, embarrassed to even look at Will as she faced the truth she had avoided for five years. ‘Nathan said it was too soon—that we couldn’t get married and start a family.’
‘You were just on the point of qualifying, weren’t you? Surely it was better for Nathan to be honest than to take such an important step for the wrong reasons? What did he say?’ Will prompted with damnable calm.
‘I don’t know.’
‘Sorry?’
Annie bit her lip. ‘I was hurt, and I saw Nathan’s refusal as a rejection of me and what we had together. I left—him and the hospital—and I never saw him again until this week.’
‘So you never gave him a chance to explain?’
‘No.’ The edge of censure in Will’s voice had stung, even though she’d known she deserved it.
She felt guilty when she recalled Nathan’s efforts to talk to her these last days—efforts she had blocked at every turn. Deep in her subconscious she must have known she was at fault and was evading dealing with it. How or why she had behaved in such a way was a mystery to her, but seeing Nathan again had made things she had buried for so long inexorably rise to the surface. Now that they had, and she could no longer ignore them, she felt even more frightened, even more uncertain about what to do.
‘I think we’ve become too comfortable with each other,’ Will had said then, his words shocking her from her troubling thoughts.
‘What do you mean?’
‘We’re best friends, and I love you to pieces, but whilst we may have started out with the best of intentions we’ve let the situation drift and become convenient.’ Will wrapped an arm around her shoulders and drew her close. ‘I think it’s time for us to re-evaluate things.’
‘But—’
A finger to her lips silenced her protest. ‘I’m ready to start living again, Annie. I really like Anthony and I plan to see him. But this isn’t just about me. I went along with your charade at the beginning, even though it didn’t feel right to me, but it’s wrong. We have to stop. I think you need to deal with these issues about Nathan once and for all. It’s time to move on. You have to talk to him.’
‘I can’t.’ She shuddered at the thought of facing him, knowing she had wronged him. But it was more than that…it was the inner knowledge that she was still vulnerable to him.
‘You can. You have to. He cares about you, Annie. He hides his feelings well, but I see the pain in his eyes when he looks at you and when he thinks we’re together. I really like him, and I feel guilty doing this to him. You need to set the record straight.’
‘Will—’ She broke off, seeking the words to explain. ‘I can’t hurt like that again.’
He tightened his hold, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. ‘I know you’re scared. The fact that you are just proves how much you still care. If you were truly over him what happened five years ago would no longer matter to you. You can’t blame Nathan for everything. And you can’t use me to stand between you and the rest of your life. You’re hurting Nathan and you’re hurting yourself.’
‘It doesn’t change the fact that he didn’t want me.’
‘He said it was too soon for marriage and a family. That isn’t the same thing,’ Will pointed out, breaking down her defences with his arguments. ‘You are different people now, Annie. Older, wiser, more settled. Maybe Nathan made a mistake. Maybe you asked for too much too soon. But you have the opportunity to make things right. Are you going to stubbornly deny yourself the possibility of real happiness because you are too frightened to take a chance and admit your own part in what went wrong?’
She had pushed away from him, confused, unsettled, unable to think. Most of all unwilling to face that much of what he had said might be true. Because if she did she’d have no defences left. If she allowed Nathan in, opened herself to caring for him, loving him, then she would be hurt all over again. Because he’d made it clear he didn’t want marriage and a family, and she didn’t think she would ever pick herself up from that a second time. But Will had been through the wringer, too, and he deserved his chance at happiness. She loved him too much as a friend, as the brother she had never had, to stand in his way. It wasn’t fair of her to use him as her emotional shield.
&
nbsp; ‘You need to think long and hard about what you want, Annie, and settle this once and for all.’
After Will had gone up to bed, telling her he had plans with Anthony during his time off, she had tried to grab a few hours’ sleep for herself. Feeling unsettled and unrested, she had risen scant hours later, written a note to Will, and then driven to Yorkshire to see her mother, hoping the warmth and security of home would help to calm her.
Time and distance had done nothing to dull the effect of Will’s words, which continued to ring in her ears. Annie sighed, turning over again and thumping her pillow, unable to rest as she tried to consider all that had happened in the past with an open and honest mind.
Losing her father had been the most terrible blow. They had been so close, and he had been her hero. A rural GP, his love of medicine and care for his patients had been her inspiration, and she had been determined to follow in his footsteps and to make him proud of her. He had supported her every step of the way when she had chosen emergency medicine—both her parents had. His sudden and unexpected death had devastated her. And Nathan had been there, seeing her through every moment.
Had she ever thanked him? Had she ever given him anything back? No. All she had done was cling to him, make demands. Unaware of the tears tracking her cheeks, she recalled those terrible last moments when she had pushed and pushed him, with no conscious thought or understanding of what was driving her on…
‘We can’t have a baby now, Annie,’ Nathan had explained patiently, sighing when she’d evaded his attempt to hug her. ‘It’s too soon, sweetheart. We’re financially unstable and at a crucial point with our careers. We don’t even know where we’re going to be living when we move on to start training in our specialties.’
‘I’m going to stop taking the pill.’
She felt his withdrawal from her at the threat. ‘No. I won’t be blackmailed, Annie.’
‘I want us to get married, Nathan. I want a baby. If you really loved me…’
She buried her head under the duvet as she recalled her whingeing demands, saw again his set face, the unwavering expression in his implacable dark eyes. Nathan hadn’t rejected her. He had been cautious and responsible. She could see it now, with painful clarity. And he had never said it was over—just that it was the wrong time for both of them to take the step to marriage and a family. He had been right, but at the time she had been blind to reason.
Behaving out of character, riddled with insecurities she had never experienced before, something self-destructive had snapped inside her and she had flown off the handle—accused him of not caring, of not loving her, not wanting to be with her, and she had walked out and never seen him again. Clearly she had hurt Nathan as much as she had hurt herself. God, what a mess. Was it too late to put things right? And even if it were possible how could she do it? She had dug an even bigger hole for herself by deceiving Nathan and using Will as a shield. How could he trust her again when he found out?
As uncomfortable as it was to admit, Annie recognised that she had been selfish…so young, so unrealistic, so demanding, so insecure, planning her perfect life without considering Nathan’s needs and wants. Without even understanding her own.
After a sleepless night, she went for a walk along familiar paths, instinctively taking routes she had shared often with her father. Today she had her mother’s enthusiastic Springer spaniel, Todd, for company, but for once she was blind to the bare beauty of the wintry countryside around her. Filled with confusion and mixed emotions, she returned to the house and had a late lunch with her mother, knowing they needed to talk before she drove back to Scotland. She had work the next day—and she could no longer ignore Nathan and the confrontation that must inevitably come.
‘Nathan turned up in Strathlochan last week,’ she began, unsure of herself, and knowing her mother had disagreed with her actions five years ago, although they had never discussed it since.
‘I know.’
Her mother’s calm reaction shocked her rigid, and it took a moment for Annie to find her voice. ‘You know? How?’
‘Just because you decided to cut Nathan out of your life it didn’t mean I had to. I always cared about him, and he was wonderful when your father died.’ After pouring herself a glass of water and taking a sip, her mother continued. ‘We’ve kept in touch these last five years. And he’s never forgotten Christmas, my birthday or your father’s anniversary.’
Annie was unable to process all her mother had said. She felt unsettled by the feelings welling within her, which ranged from anger to sadness to a sliver of ridiculous envy. How could she be so contrary? She had pushed Nathan away, refused to have contact with him or even mention his name for the last five years, so how could she begrudge or feel jealous of her mother’s friendship with him?
‘You told Nathan where I was?’
‘No.’ Her mother paused to stroke Todd, who gave up his fruitless vigil for a treat from the table and crossed to his doggy duvet by the Rayburn to curl up for a sleep. ‘I had no idea Nathan had gone to Scotland until after the event. But I’m not surprised. He’s at a turning point in his life and I suppose he needs to take care of the unfinished business between you. We’ve never discussed you, Annie,’ she added gently. ‘It was a kind of unspoken agreement so we didn’t make things difficult for each other. I’ve never volunteered information and Nathan has never asked.’
Sudden and unexpected hurt ripped through her at the knowledge. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘You told me not to, love.’ Her mother sighed and shook her head. ‘From the moment you left him and came home, announcing you were moving to another hospital, you were adamant that I was never to mention him. Even when he was phoning here, coming to the house, desperate to talk to you, you refused to listen. What was I supposed to do? You broke his heart, Annie. You’re my daughter…I love you and I always will…but I wasn’t about to abandon Nathan when he needed someone.’
Annie sat frozen, trying to make sense of it all. She had never known that Nathan had come after her. She had simply assumed he hadn’t cared—another terrible error on her part. And all this time her mother and Nathan had remained friends, had shared things without her, had acted as if she didn’t exist.
‘I never could understand why you set Nathan up for a fall and tested him like that,’ her mother continued, piling on more guilt and refusing to allow Annie to back away from the reality of her mistakes. ‘What did you expect him to do, love? You tried to trap him into committing to you by threatening to get pregnant against his wishes.’
‘I don’t know why!’ Annie cried, overwhelmed, battling back the tears that stung her eyes, unable to take any more. ‘Somehow I blocked it all out. I’ve only just acknowledged what I did, but I can’t make sense of the way I acted.’
‘Annie…’
‘I loved him so much, Mum, and I was scared he didn’t love me back—scared I would lose him unless I tied him down, had a proper commitment.’
As her voice broke, her mother came around the table to sit next to her, placing a protective arm around her shoulders. ‘He loved you, too. It was just the wrong time to even be thinking about a baby.’
‘I couldn’t see that then.’
How could she ever have been so foolish as to think for a second they could have coped with their pressured jobs, starting out as junior doctors, changing posts and hospitals, struggle to make ends meet and still brought a baby into the world? Why had she backed Nathan so far into a corner that he had had no option but to push back against her?
She voiced the questions aloud. ‘Why, Mum? Why did I do that?’
‘You were understandably rocked by your dad’s death.’
The explanation mirrored her own thoughts, but it still shocked her to hear it out loud. ‘But that was six months before my row with Nathan.’
‘There’s no time limit on grief, Annie. And it can drive us to do strange things. You weren’t yourself after he died.’ Her mother’s eyes held deep sadness. ‘You
think I don’t still miss and yearn for your father five and a half years on? I know what he meant to you, how close you were—he loved you so much and he was incredibly proud of his little girl. He always thought of you that way,’ she added with a smile. ‘But he was my life, too. My world changed for ever, love, just as yours did.’
‘Mum…’ Fresh tears welled in her eyes at the thought of her mother, home alone, lost without the man who had been by her side for twenty-five years.
Her mother took her hand, her smile gentle and kind. ‘I know, Annie, I understand. You have a lot of thinking to do to face the reality of the past and your own role in it. Don’t judge Nathan so harshly without understanding his side of things.’
‘But—’
‘Talk, Annie, but listen, too,’ she advised, with a mix of firmness and sympathy. ‘You have another chance—don’t make the same mistakes again. There’s so much you never bothered to know about Nathan…his family, his childhood, what shaped him to be the person he is. He’s such a special man—but a very lonely one. He keeps so much locked inside him. You were the only person he ever let close to him or trusted with himself. And I don’t think you have any clue how important you were in his life. You were his anchor, his joy. He’s never recovered from losing you.’
By the time Annie left her old family home after her impromptu visit, she felt as if she had been through an emotional wringer. And she knew worse was to come—because, as crazy as it seemed, she had to go to Nathan. She was compelled to do so, drawn to him, consumed with the need to see him.
Armed with his address, which her mother had given her, she drove north towards Strathlochan. Having spent so long in denial, so long pushing him away, she now wanted to talk, to explain, to apologise…to learn about the man who still remained a mystery to her in so many ways, despite the intimacies they had shared.
The emergency doctor claims his wife Page 9