And so began his vigil.
CHAPTER NINE
‘ANNIE, open your eyes.’
The voice seemed to come from a long way off, fighting its way through the layers of pain gripping her body and the fog of confusion muddling her brain. Annie had heard the voice calling to her before. Nathan’s voice. Warm and husky, concerned and cajoling.
‘Come on, sweetheart, you can do it. Look at me.’
She frowned as the command sounded louder and more focused, urging her to obey. Struggling through the darkness, she tried to remember where she was, what had happened, but she couldn’t seem to catch hold of anything tangible. Her thoughts were random, scattered, hazy. Time had no meaning. But for long minutes, or maybe it was hours, she listened to that voice. Several times she thought she heard her mother calling her, too, but Annie felt too lethargic and too far away from them to reach out.
If she tried to move her whole body screamed in protest. She groaned. Or thought she did. But her throat felt so raw she wasn’t sure any sound emerged. It felt as if an elephant was sitting on top of her—an elephant that had first skewered her chest with a red-hot sabre and smacked her on the back of the head with a tree trunk.
‘Can you hear me, Annie?’ Fingertips feathered across her forehead and down her cheek. She was aware of the sensation, and tried to turn her face towards the touch. ‘That’s it, sweetheart. Come back to us. Can you squeeze my hand, Annie?’
She felt the warmth and strength of Nathan’s hand holding hers. It took almost more effort and concentration than she could muster, but she compelled her fingers to close over his.
‘Good girl!’
She basked in the praise, then felt her hand being lifted before lips and warm breath brushed across her skin. Drawing on her flagging reserves, she tried to prise stubborn eyelids apart. For a moment Nathan’s face swam muzzily into view. He looked drawn and tired, a shadow of stubble darkening his jaw. Somewhere inside her she knew that he shouldn’t be here with her, but she was very glad he was. Lips that felt dry and unwieldy parted, but his name sounded more like a hoarse, whispery moan than anything else.
Overwhelmingly tired, she allowed her eyes to close again. Her head was throbbing, and moving it made her feel nauseous. She was aware of other voices in the background but she tuned out the words, focusing on Nathan’s nearness, on the reality of his fingers linked with hers. Then she felt the brush of something cool…an ice cube on her parched lips. She parted them, welcoming the blissfully chilled melting water drizzling over them and into the rawness of her mouth and throat.
Why did she hurt so much? Why couldn’t she move? As she grappled with the disorientation a single tear welled from the corner of one eye. She felt it escape and track down her face, and then the pad of Nathan’s thumb was there to catch it, gently soothing across her cheek before his hand moved to stroke her hair.
‘You’re going to be fine, Annie.’
Nathan’s words and his calm, compelling voice reassured her, and she clung to him with all her will, as if he was a lifebuoy keeping her safe and protected, holding her head above water in a stormy, turbulent sea.
‘I’m sure you’re confused and hurting and feeling scared, but everything will be all right. Your mum’s here, sweetheart, and so is Will, and your friends…and me.’
The last sounded hesitant, unsure, but she was too weak to question or protest. The gentle massage of his fingers relaxed her and she felt herself slipping away again.
‘We’re looking after you. Try not to worry about anything. Sleep now, and get well.’
Wondering what it was she had to get well from, and why all those people were coming to see her, Annie sighed and allowed the darkness to reclaim her.
Nathan had lost track of time. The first hours had passed in a blur of anxiety as he maintained his vigil at Annie’s bedside, refusing to leave her until he knew that she was out of danger.
Eve had arrived, worried sick about her daughter, and he had done his best to hide his own fears and reassure her. She had moved in to the spare room at his rented flat close to the hospital for the duration of her stay, but, like him, most of her time was spent at Annie’s side.
It had been a huge relief for everyone when Annie had begun to come round, and those first moments when she had opened her eyes, squeezed his hand and tried to say his name were impinged on his memory. He had been so full of joy and gratitude, and so emotionally and physically exhausted after the endless hours of living with fear and without sleep, that he had needed to shut himself in the men’s room to compose himself.
Annie had made good progress since then. Although she continued to sleep for long periods, she gradually became more awake and aware, and she had left the ICU after two days and been moved to a quiet room on the surgical ward. Which was when another problem had reared its head. Annie had no recollection of the assault, or the hours leading up to it. A second precautionary CT scan had been done, but Annie had been given the all-clear. There was no swelling of the brain, no bleeding, no clot, no hidden fracture…nothing physical to cause concern.
‘Post-concussion syndrome and post-traumatic amnesia,’ the doctor sent to assess Annie had diagnosed. ‘It’s not uncommon, but no one can say how quickly she’ll remember the missing hours.’
The last thing she remembered was driving down to visit her mother. Which meant she had no recollection of making love with him, or of the difficult situation between them afterwards when she had left his bed to return to Will. Hurt pierced him even now. Although he knew that it was unlikely to have changed what had happened in A and E later, he felt guilty for not listening to her when she had wanted to talk to him. Now, though, as Annie asked more questions and became more alert, her lack of memory made things awkward, and Eve, Will and himself were trying to be careful what they said.
The police had come to take statements. Nathan had given his, as had the other staff who had been present in A and E when Annie had been stabbed, but it would be a while before Annie was well enough to speak to them…if she regained her memories of the incident. Thankfully the man who had assaulted her had been caught and charged and was now in custody.
Many of Annie’s friends and colleagues had been to visit and encourage her recovery, and her hospital room was awash with flowers and fruit and chocolates. Aside from Eve, Will and himself, the most regular visitors were Gail from A and E, Holly Tait, who popped down from the children’s ward during her breaks, and Francesca, who came in from the radiology department and spent some time sitting with Annie before leaving for home so that whoever was with her could have a break and get something to eat. Gina and Seb had visited several times, as had Callie and Frazer, all worried about their friend. And Nathan had met self-harm specialist Cameron Kincaid for the first time, when he had called in with his wife and partner in the Ackerman Clinic, Dr Ginger O’Neill, who ran the eating disorders unit.
Nathan was grateful for their kindness and concern, as well as being both touched and puzzled by their support of him. Everyone had rallied round, and his colleagues in the A and E department were making it as easy as possible for him to take time off to be at Annie’s bedside. Chief amongst those smoothing things over and covering his workload was Will. Which Nathan still couldn’t understand. Surely Will and not him had the right to priority treatment where Annie was concerned? But even Eve deferred to Nathan, seeking his advice about any medical decisions and placing him as important in Annie’s life, although she was also clearly friendly with Will.
As Annie regained her strength, and started to spend spells each day sitting in a chair and taking short walks aided by the physiotherapy team, Nathan knew the time was coming when reality had to be faced and decisions made. Any day now she would be discharged to convalesce at home, and what would happen then? Would Will take over once more, relegating him to the margins and excluding him from Annie’s life? Would Annie remember their lovemaking and what had happened between them? The more alert she became, the more nervous and g
uarded she appeared around him. Any moment now she could choose Will, and Nathan would find himself out in the cold once more.
‘I’m so confused about everything.’
Sitting in an armchair beside the bed in her hospital room, Annie sighed, grimacing as even that small action tightened her chest with pain. Her head felt much better now, the concussion having abated and with it the feelings of nausea and dizziness, but even with the medication she was on the rest of her remained uncomfortable.
‘Are you remembering more now?’ her mother asked, a guarded expression on her face as she glanced up from her task of peeling and coring an apple.
‘Some things,’ Annie admitted, equally cautious, because the snippets of things she did recall made her ashamed and embarrassed and very scared. ‘I still don’t have any memories of what happened in A and E.’
The worry that had been etched on her mother’s face for days was still apparent as she frowned. ‘Maybe that’s a good thing?’ she suggested, handing over some slices of apple.
‘Maybe.’
Annie plucked a piece of fruit from the plate and nibbled at it, lost in her thoughts. The overriding concern that plagued her was Nathan. Fragments had come back to her over the last few days. Enough that she could piece events together and remember how terribly she had behaved—not only five years ago but more recently. Lying to him, making love to him, and letting him believe she was involved with another man. Despite everything she had done to him Nathan had saved her life, had selflessly been by her side the entire time, urging her to live, to get well, helping her mother, generally making everything more bearable, driving himself to the point of exhaustion.
She would never forget listening to his voice, or the way he had made her feel safe and grounded, her light in the darkness. As she had dozed and drifted during those first couple of days he had talked softly to her of the happy times they had shared in the past, relaxing her, soothing her, reminding her of funny incidents from medical school, warming her with tender memories of their life together. She would never forget the other things he had said to her, too—things that were slowly making sense…
‘I love you, Annie…so much,’ he had whispered, while she had still been disorientated and in ICU. His words had been heartfelt and sincere, so soft she’d barely heard them. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t listen when you tried to talk to me. If you want Will and not me I’ll go away and never bother you again. Just get better, sweetheart.’
Now, when she was nearly ready to go home, she sensed Nathan putting more distance between them—pulling back from her physically and emotionally, as if he believed he wasn’t welcome or wanted. He did more hours in A and E-which meant less time spent with her. What terrified her was that once she left the hospital Nathan would leave her and Strathlochan. There had been no opportunity to talk, with so many other people coming and going, and only in the last day or so had she sorted through all her scattered memories and faced the truth. A truth she still hadn’t told him.
Annie closed her eyes as tears stung them. She couldn’t seem to stop crying just lately, but she knew much of that was reaction to all she had been through. Whilst she might not remember all that had happened, she had been told the details. She knew she had been stabbed, knew she would have died if not for Nathan’s quick thinking in getting her to Resus and starting to treat her before Robert Mowbray had taken over to do the thoracotomy.
‘Are you all right, love?’
She swallowed down the foolish tears and opened her eyes, trying to smile for her mother without success, unable to force any words past the restriction in her throat.
‘Oh, Annie.’ Her mother inched closer and took her hand. ‘I wish I could stay longer—or take you home with me.’
‘We’ve discussed this. Your job is important. You have to go back. I’m just grateful you’ve been here through the worst of it.’
‘I know, but—’
Annie gently forestalled her protests. ‘Really, it’s all right. And as for when I leave here, I just want to be in my own place. I have loads of people who will help me. There’s Will, of course, and…’ Her words trailed off, and she battled down a fresh welling of emotion as her thoughts turned once more to Nathan.
‘And Nathan,’ her mother added gently.
‘No.’
‘Why are you so stubborn, love? How can you doubt his feelings when he’s almost made himself ill in his devotion to you these last days, refusing to leave your side?’
Annie shook her head, the tears finally breaking free. ‘You don’t understand. He’s a dedicated doctor and he probably felt obligated.’
‘What nonsense!’
‘You don’t know what I did to him, Mum. He told me it was finished between us. When I go home I know he’s going to leave, and it’s all my fault. I don’t deserve him. I realised too late the mistakes I made and how I really feel about him.’
‘Annie, love, don’t do this to yourself,’ her mother protested, wrapping her arms around her. ‘Tell me what you think you’ve done—what you think I won’t understand.’
Allowing herself to be hugged, Annie sobbed out the whole sorry story.
After finishing a shortened stint in A and E, Nathan had a quick shower and changed his clothes in the men’s locker room, then made his way up to the ward. However foolish he was being, setting himself up for heartbreak all over again, he couldn’t keep away from Annie. He wanted to make the most of whatever time he had left with her, to know she was going to be all right. Despite the fact that she had broken his heart—not once, but twice—he didn’t know how he was ever going to walk away…or survive without her in his life.
As he approached her room he heard sobbing and the murmur of voices. Cautiously he peeped through the small window in the door and saw Annie in tears, being held in her mother’s arms as Eve spoke gently to her. Part of him wanted to rush in, to know what was wrong, to comfort her. But he held back, knowing he had to distance himself, respecting that maybe it was Eve who Annie needed most right now.
‘Are you going or coming?’
Will’s voice sounded behind him and Nathan jumped. ‘Not sure,’ he replied, turning to face the other man and gesturing towards the door.
‘Ah,’ Will murmured after a quick glance through the window. ‘Looks like they need some time.’
‘That was my thought.’
‘Good. Then now is the perfect moment for us to have that talk,’ the man who had become both friend and adversary decreed.
Uneasy, Nathan reluctantly followed Will to the stairs. ‘Where are we going?’
‘The Strathlochan Arms. You need a good meal after days of neglecting yourself,’ he added, understanding mixed with a hint of chiding in his tone. ‘We can have a drink and something to eat.’
A short while later they were in the large but homely pub, a favourite haunt of many of the local medical and emergency personnel. Nathan found a table near a roaring log fire and sat down, worrying about what Will was going to say, puzzled anew at the man’s friendliness when they were, effectively, rivals for Annie’s affections. Or were they? Could Will afford to be so generous because he was secure about his place in Annie’s heart?
Before he had time to sort through his troubled thoughts, Will crossed from the bar and set two pints of Guinness on the table.
‘The food won’t be long.’
‘What are we doing here, Will?’ he asked, after they had both taken a drink from their glasses.
‘Annie could be allowed home tomorrow, and she’s going to need someone with her for the foreseeable future. For a start we need to work out a rota,’ Will stated, as if he’d given the idea much thought. ‘We can make sure we co-ordinate our shifts so one of us is always on hand for her. And I know her friends will want to help, too.’
Nathan rubbed a hand across his jaw, filled with myriad emotions. Predominant amongst them was guilt—guilt that he had made love with Annie, was still in love with her. Will knew the latter—Nathan had told h
im straight out how he felt about her and why he had come to Strathlochan—but the former…? Despite everything, he liked Will, and he didn’t want to be the cause of hurting him.
‘Will—’
‘Look, Nathan,’ he interrupted, a serious expression on his normally jovial face as he dragged the fingers of one hand through his spiky blond hair. ‘It’s past time we cut to the chase here. There are things you need to know.’
Nathan sucked in a breath and tried to keep calm. ‘What things?’
‘I love Annie.’
Will’s words caused Nathan’s heart to plummet as he saw all his hopes and dreams turning to dust, and the prospect of losing Annie once more a stark reality. ‘I know,’ he murmured, staring into the flickering flames of the nearby fire without seeing anything and remembering his promise to Annie…that he would walk away if she chose Will. How, he didn’t know. He did know that he would never recover from her.
‘I don’t think you do. She’s my best friend and I’ll love her for ever,’ Will said now, sincerity evident in his voice. ‘But I’m not in love with her.’ The qualification had Nathan’s gaze snapping back in time to see amusement flash in Will’s eyes before being replaced by wary uncertainty as he continued, his voice low, ‘Annie and I have never been involved that way-we couldn’t be, because I’m gay.’
Nathan was in the process of taking a fortifying drink as Will spoke, but the shock of the words he was hearing caused the liquid to go down the wrong way. As he choked, struggling to return his glass safely to the table, Will chuckled and helped by slapping him on the back. His eyes were still watering as their food arrived.
For several moments Nathan forced himself to eat something, but he tasted little of the chicken, leek and broccoli pie. All he could think about was the fact that Annie had been lying to him from the first day he had met up with her again. So had Will. Why? He was confused and hurt, but he gave himself time to think, stopping himself from rushing in and saying something he would later regret. He needed to know the full story.
The emergency doctor claims his wife Page 14