‘I persuaded the baker to make them for you,’ he admitted with an embarrassed smile.
That he’d gone to so much trouble to think of her when she had been so selfish and stupid caused the tears she was trying so hard to contain to spill free.
Nathan cursed, pushing the tray aside as he slid closer and handed her a tissue. ‘Don’t cry, please. I didn’t mean to upset you.’
‘You haven’t,’ she refuted as she wiped her face, amazed he could think that.
‘But…’
‘I was just surprised. Overwhelmed.’ She bit her lip, not sure what to say, wondering how something as simple as doughnuts could hold such significance. ‘Nathan—’
The ring of the doorbell interrupted her. Nathan sighed and rose to his feet. ‘That will be the district nurse. I’ll go and let her in. We’ll talk later,’ he promised, pausing a moment to trail the fingers of one hand down her cheek before he picked up the tray and left.
Annie had only a few moments to wonder what later would bring before the district nurse bustled into the room.
Nathan stood at the window in Annie’s bedroom and looked at the view. He hadn’t been in Strathlochan long, but from all he had seen and learned he could understand why Annie had chosen to settle here. She was a country girl at heart, and had felt stifled in a big city. During their years of training in Manchester they had often escaped into the countryside during rare time off. Annie was fond of sport and outdoor activities, and Strathlochan would provide all she needed in that respect. The town was large enough to cater for necessities and comforts, but rural enough for tranquillity and quality of life, surrounded as it was by lochs and hills and forests. With its sense of community, natural beauty and excellent facilities, he could see that Strathlochan was a great place to live and raise a family. A place he could feel at home for the first time in his life…if that home was with Annie…
Nathan turned towards the bed. She had fallen asleep as soon as the district nurse had left. Crossing the room, he sat for a while in a chair beside the bed, just watching her, feeling an ache inside him at her paleness, and hating her discomfort, but grateful that her pain was lessening each day. He couldn’t bear to see her hurt. But at least she was alive.
The love he felt for her threatened to swamp him, but despite all he had found out from his talk with Will he still felt uncertain and racked with nerves. Annie was as skittish as a fawn around him, and he was concerned that she didn’t care about him and wouldn’t be prepared to give him a second chance. If he didn’t feel so anxious and unsure of himself her outrageous deception and her plan to keep him at bay using Will as a shield would be funny. He could only hope Will was right, and that her desperation to manufacture a non-existent relationship had been because she still cared about him, was scared she’d let him get close again and give in to temptation.
Now he understood their relationship and friendship, he was grateful Annie had had someone as caring and kind as Will in her life. It was just as well he liked the other man. He knew Will would always be a part of Annie’s life—of both their lives, if Annie gave him the opportunity to prove to her how much he loved her. But if he hoped to succeed in winning her back he had to do the thing he found most difficult—expose all the raw and hidden places within himself, the part of him nobody knew. He had to open himself up to scrutiny and judgement and possible rejection.
Annie stirred, a frown creasing her brow as she began to move and encountered soreness. Edging closer, Nathan took her hand, stroking her warm, soft skin with his fingers, noting that the bruises from the insertion of the cannulas in her arm and the back of her hand were fading.
‘Hello, sleepyhead.’
‘Hi.’ Sooty lashes parted and slumberous blue eyes focused on him. ‘Sorry. I can’t seem to stop napping.’
He shook his head, swift to reassure her. ‘Your body has been through a huge trauma. It’s going to take time. Are you still feeling up to a change of surroundings?’ he asked after a moment, knowing they couldn’t put off their talk much longer.
‘Yes,’ she agreed, but the edge to her voice made it clear that Annie was equally aware of what was to come.
It took a few minutes to help her off the bed. Knowing that it was important for her to take short walks, he helped support her as she stepped gingerly across the bedroom and along the corridor. Once at the stairs, however, he wasn’t taking any risks, and he insisted on easing her down with the utmost care. On reaching the bottom, he carried her through to the south-facing sun room at the back of the house, where he gently seated her in a comfortable armchair. The room was very warm, but he tucked a rug around her and opened the patio door, so she could enjoy the feel and taste of fresh air as he had promised, thankful that the February day was unseasonably mild.
Sitting in the chair next to her, he knew the time had come. ‘Annie—’
‘Please,’ she said quickly, forestalling him. ‘I need to say some things first…things I should have said long ago.’
‘All right.’
‘I was very wrong five years ago,’ Annie told him, rushing ahead before she lost her nerve. ‘I didn’t realise at the time that I’d been left with so many insecurities after Dad died.’
‘I knew how unsettled you were, and grief can have many effects,’ Nathan told her, understanding even now, in spite of what she had done to him.
‘Yes, but I somehow translated that in my mind to a desperate need for security, convincing myself that I had to get you to commit or I’d lose you too.’ She sucked in another breath. ‘In the end I did just that, by pushing so selfishly for marriage and a baby.’
Nathan nodded, and the hurt and confusion in his eyes tore at her heart. ‘We were both too young, and not ready for that kind of responsibility, Annie. I said not yet—you heard no.’
‘I know. And I’m sorry I behaved so badly and hurt you. Sorry, too, that I somehow twisted reality, burying my own culpability and blaming you. A coping mechanism, I suppose. Self-delusion?’ she added, trying a self-mocking smile but failing.
‘It wasn’t all you, Annie,’ Nathan announced into the silence.
Clasping her hands in her lap, she looked at him, noting the wary anxiety on his face as he continued talking.
‘Some of the blame was mine. If I had talked more about myself in all the time we were together you would have had a better idea of my caution, why I wasn’t able to undertake that kind of commitment at that point.’
‘What do you mean?’
Annie was all too aware of how remiss she had been in never asking about his background. It had been such a shock when both Nathan and her mother had recently pointed out just how little she really knew about him, and she felt guilty that she had been so negligent, so lighthearted, taking life and Nathan for granted. Hearing his deep sigh, she read his tension, noted the strong angles of his handsome profile as he stared out at the small back garden, where clumps of snowdrops were indeed blooming, with the promise of spring to come.
‘Nathan?’
‘I was twelve when my father died. He was in construction and he was killed in an accident on site.’
Even though his husky voice was devoid of emotion, and he appeared outwardly calm, Annie could sense that there was turbulence underneath. Almost holding her breath, she waited for him to continue.
‘My mother, never strong emotionally or physically, went to pieces. I was the eldest of four children and it fell to me to keep things together. I had to make sure we had clothes to wear and food to eat, that the three younger ones got to school…and I had to care for my mother, who was in poor health and had a drinking problem.’
He paused again, as if gathering himself, and Annie clenched her hands into fists. There had been so much left unsaid, but now she could read between the lines and see the image all too clearly in her mind—a lost childhood, a boy burdened by responsibilities, growing up too fast, shouldering things no one his age should ever have to face. No wonder he was so serious, so alone, so uncomf
ortable in social settings. He must have missed out on so much…on friendships, and on all the kinds of things a teenager should experience.
‘I somehow managed to keep up my own education, and I held on to my dream of being a doctor,’ Nathan continued. ‘Not that I believed it would happen. I had to stay at home until the others were of age and able to fend more for themselves…that’s why I started medical school when I was twenty-two. By then my twin brothers were nineteen and in apprenticeships, and my sister was eighteen and starting at art college.’
‘And your mother?’ Annie managed, concerned not to push too far and stop him talking.
‘She was holding her own. Enough that she could go to day care. My sister was still living at home, and with outside help she could manage at night and weekends.’ He flicked her a quick glance and looked away again, too swiftly for her to catch his expression. ‘I felt guilty taking up my place at med school, even though it was the closest I could find to home. I popped home often in my time off to check on things,’ he added, surprising her again, as she had never noticed, never questioned his absences. ‘As much as I loved them, I resented the pressure, the lack of freedom, all I’d missed out on. And I selfishly didn’t want to lose my chance to be a doctor.’
Annie was speechless for several seconds. ‘How can you possibly consider yourself selfish when you gave everything you had—all your life—for them?’ she demanded, almost shaking with anger on his behalf that he had been put in that position, that there had been no help, no other way out for the boy he had been.
‘I felt trapped, Annie, and I wanted to be free. Med school was my escape from that life. It was the first time ever that I had been able to do something I wanted that was purely for me. And then I met you.’ Annie sensed some of the darkness leave him as he said the words and it humbled her. ‘I didn’t want to think or talk about home. I didn’t want the responsibilities and worries of my family to intrude on either my training or on my relationship with you. You never asked questions about me, and I was so relieved that I let it go, leaving the real Nathan at my family home and becoming your Nathan in our home. I wanted to enjoy you. Us. I thought there would be time enough for explanations and deep discussions.’
‘And then I spoiled it all,’ she whispered, fighting another threat of tears.
Nathan reached out and took her hand. ‘All I had known growing up was the burden of responsibility, others making demands on me, putting everyone else’s needs before my own. I loved you, Annie, but the thought of going from one dependent home-life to another, of taking on marriage and children when we’d barely qualified…well, it scared me. The idea of rushing into that kind of commitment was terrifying—but I never wanted us to break up, never wanted you to leave.’
‘And I never gave you the chance to explain,’ she added, giving up the hopeless task of stemming her tears. Tears for him—the lonely boy and the man so alone. ‘I thought you were rejecting me, that you didn’t care about me. I behaved so stupidly, Nathan. I’m ashamed at how selfish and immature and foolish I’ve been. I can’t understand how you could ever have put up with me, far less have loved me.’
‘You were the joy and colour in my grey, joyless life, Annie. You gave me fun and love and friendship—things I had never really known before,’ he told her, the sincerity of his words taking her breath away. ‘Your life was so different from mine and you shared it with me—shared your home with me. I envied you your parents, and I loved them for accepting me, making me feel welcome and part of you. You are all I’ve ever wanted, the only person who has made me happy. You’re the most special thing that ever happened to me, but I was scared of committing too soon. Especially when I wasn’t totally free.’
Annie’s fingers tightened around Nathan’s while she wiped her eyes with her free hand. ‘You mean because of your mother?’
‘Yes,’ he allowed, falling quiet again, and a bleakness shadowed his eyes before he looked away from her again.
‘What happened?’
‘After you left I tried to come after you, but you wouldn’t see me or talk to me.’ Fresh waves of shame and guilt crashed through her but she kept silent, needing to hear his whole story. ‘Your mum was wonderful—I was a bit of a mess,’ he admitted, shaking his head, and Annie bit her lip at the thought of all the pain she had caused him. ‘I confided in her—a carefully edited version—and she advised me to give you some time. I didn’t expect it would be anything like five years. But my mother deteriorated and I ended up having to spend more and more time caring for her. I managed to get placements in hospitals as close to home as I could, but I had to take a year out when she became so ill that she needed me full-time.’
So that was why he’d been held back and had yet to become a specialist registrar, Annie realised, a sick feeling in her stomach as she realised what must have happened to allow Nathan to resume his career. ‘How long since you lost her?’ she asked softly.
‘Nine months. Her liver was too damaged.’
‘I’m sorry—that sounds so trite and inadequate.’ She cursed herself, wishing she knew how to give back a fraction of the understanding and support Nathan had shown her when her beloved father had died.
Nathan sighed, a wealth of feeling in the small sound. ‘It was a kindness to her. She suffered too much. We had a family meeting afterwards and I explained to the twins and my sister that I needed to get away for a while, to focus on myself and my future. We’ve never been close. I think they resented my move from brother to father-figure.’
‘They should appreciate and admire all you gave up and did for them,’ she interjected, incensed on his behalf.
‘Now they are older I think they are beginning to understand more,’ he allowed, ever gracious in excusing the failings of those who had wronged him. ‘They are able to stand on their own feet, and I can pursue my own life, but they know I am here if they need me.’
‘What did you do?’
‘I took a job in London—a six-month stint in A and E to break me back in, plus a few courses to catch up and refresh my skills.’ He turned to look at her then, the expression in his eyes raw and compelling. ‘But there was something missing. Something I knew I needed to take care of if I ever hoped to move on with my life.’
Annie swallowed, her throat suddenly dry. ‘And that was…?’
‘You.’ The pad of his thumb traced circles on her skin, firing her blood. ‘I had to see you. I found out where you were, and that there was a temporary placement here. So I came. And the second I saw you again I knew.’
‘Knew what?’ she whispered, barely able to force the words out.
‘That I still loved you, Annie. I never stopped. I’ve been miserable without you.’
‘Oh, Nathan.’ Tears slid down her cheeks. How could he still care about her after all she had done? She couldn’t believe she had been given another chance with the only man she had ever loved. She froze, choking on a sob when she realised she still hadn’t confessed the extent of her deception since he had come to Strathlochan. ‘Nathan, I’m so sorry. I—’
She what? Nathan worried as Annie’s words snapped off abruptly and she pulled her hand from his. He felt the loss keenly, terrified she was going to say that she no longer felt the same way.
‘Sweetheart, what is it? Please don’t cry.’
She shook her head as another sob escaped. ‘I have to move.’
‘OK.’ Disappointed, Nathan rose to his feet, ready to help her. ‘Are you in pain?’ he asked, frowning when she shook her head again. ‘Where do you need to go?’
A hint of pink tinged her pale cheeks. ‘I need to be closer to you.’
‘I think we can manage that.’ Relief coursed through him that he hadn’t chased her away. Carefully taking her in his arms, he sat down and settled her on his lap, his arms around her, ensuring he wasn’t hurting her. ‘How’s that?’
‘Much better. But…’
‘But what?’ he encouraged, knowing she was still troubled.
; ‘I have to tell you something.’ Her words were soft, and her chin was tucked down as she hid from him. ‘I’ve done so many stupid things—many of which I can’t even understand myself. Nathan, I lied to you—I’ve been lying to you ever since I saw you again,’ she told him in a rush, and he felt a shiver ripple through her. ‘I panicked that first day. I have no idea what was driving me, how I could have shut out the reality of my part in things five years ago, but I just reacted when I saw you. I felt vulnerable and scared and so confused. So I—’ She took a shuddering breath and bit her lip. ‘I freaked out and I—’
Again she broke off, and Nathan took pity on her. ‘You persuaded Will to pretend you were a couple,’ he finished for her.
Her head came up, her eyes wide, her perfect, kissable mouth rounded in an ‘O’ of surprise. ‘You know?’
‘Will and I had a chat before you left hospital. He told me what had happened…and why.’
‘He did?’ Her cheeks flushed a becoming pink as he tipped her face up to meet his gaze. ‘Will told you everything?’
‘Pretty much. But there is one thing I want to know,’ he told her, his tension easing now, allowing him to tease her.
‘What’s that?’
‘What does GAG mean?’
Laughter bubbled from within her. ‘Gay and gorgeous. And now Will and Anthony are seeing each other, so I did something right.’
‘I hope they’ll be happy.’ Nathan smiled as he kissed her. ‘As happy as we’re going to be.’
‘Are we? Do you think we can?’
Some of his doubts returned. ‘Don’t you?’
Annie wanted it more than anything else on earth, but…‘How can you forgive me after all I’ve done?’
‘What we had was special, Annie.’ Nathan’s expression was serious, earnest, as he cradled her against him. ‘It’s still special. I was scared I’d arrive in Strathlochan and find you married with a bundle of children, just as you’d always wanted.’
The emergency doctor claims his wife Page 16