“Well, your plot worked in the end, Professor,” said Judy, stepping forward. “She wanted to attend your send-off tonight. But I’m telling you right now that the picture up there is going home with us. So, how much?”
I interrupted. “Thirty-eight hundred, wasn’t it?”
He turned toward my mother. “Mama Mia! These two daughters of yours...? It’s a miracle you survived!”
Mom’s eyes glowed hot. The lioness had returned. “Didn’t need a miracle, Professor. My girls are perfect just the way they are.”
“But of course, of course. I would not say no.”
Mom smiled. “In fact, you’d say yes. I’m glad you recognized Claire’s talent, Professor, and the woman behind it. Thank you for saving the picture. You took a financial risk, and I’m happy to repay you. You did the right thing.” She thrust her check into his hands.
His skin turned from olive to ruddy to red; he’d been embarrassed twice in one night. My mother could still shake things up.
“I’ll be ready to try again soon.” To spare him from further discomfort, I hesitated giving him a quick hug. But he had no compunction about his good-byes, and I found myself being kissed first on one cheek and then on the other.
“There’s only one thing left to do,” said my mother.
“And what’s that, Signora?”
“Put a SOLD sign on it.”
A perfect ending to the evening. Girl with Secrets would have a loving home, but it wouldn’t be mine. I wanted to see Jack. More than want, I needed to see him. But I couldn’t and wouldn’t jolt him with any more surprises.
At midnight, I moved the soccer painting out of Kayla’s bedroom and into the studio. I’d dropped Mom and Judy off at their homes, watched my dad tear up when he saw Girl with Secrets, and then made my way back to Bluebonnet Drive. Despite the emotional evening, I wasn’t tired. My thoughts were spinning. If I wanted my family back, I had to come clean with them, but first, I had to come clean with myself. And that meant talking to Kayla—which was not a problem.
I’d kept her alive in my mind, heart, and on canvas. I’d kept my dreams alive of watching her grow up and share her life. But I knew now that my dreams for Kayla had come at a price. Not only the loss of Jack and Ian but the guilt that rode on my shoulders, the constant irritant that wouldn’t let me heal. If I gave up my guilt, it would be easier to let Kayla go. And I couldn’t do that.
But was I truly responsible for Kayla’s death?
No.
I removed the drape from the canvas and looked again at my daughter exulting in victory. No false modesty if I said I’d done well. And I did say it, finally. I pulled over a chair and sat in front of my daughter.
“In my heart, in my thoughts, you are so full of life, Kayla, and yet you’ll never grow up to be the woman you should have become. By now, we would have argued about texting. Or tweeting. But we would have been laughing, too. I miss you dreadfully. But I can’t go on this way.
“It wasn’t your fault that you ran into the street; it wasn’t your brother’s fault that he played ball with you; it wasn’t the driver’s fault that she happened to be there; and it wasn’t even my fault. Not really. Had I arrived home five minutes sooner, you and Ian might have still thrown a ball while I went inside the house for a moment. Who knows? Ian was right about randomness. But oh, how I hate that it happened. So unfair to you.
“All I know, darling, is that I can’t bring you back, and I can’t ruin Dad’s and Ian’s lives anymore. The only direction for me to go is forward, Kayla. And I’m so very, very sorry.”
And that’s when I broke down. That’s when the tears wouldn’t stop flowing. And that’s when I heard Jack’s voice calling my name from outside. No hallucination. He stood in the doorway, focused on me.
“Your mother phoned and demanded I come over. Since I don’t mess around with Barbara, here I am. What are you doing?”
I looked up at him, smiling through my tears, mascara probably all over my face. “I’m making peace with our daughter. I’m searching for hope.”
He glanced at the painting, his love and longing as clearly written as a poem. I heard his deep exhalation before he met my eyes. “And?”
I stood and approached him. “And you’re next on my list. Right here. Right now.”
“Peace? Hope? You must have had quite an evening at the big shot’s party.” He sounded suspicious.
“You can judge for yourself.” I took his hands and pulled him toward a chair. “Sit, please.”
My heart beat like a bass drum. I wanted that new beginning with Jack, the one I’d gone after the night of the anniversary party. I was ready to open up to him. To talk! And I hoped Jack would listen and believe me. I refused to consider the alternative.
I plunged in. “Judy and Mom went with me to the champagne reception for Professor Colombo earlier tonight. That big shot you just mentioned.” I described the scene, the people, the gallery exhibition, and my mom’s excitement at being part of it.
“Do you remember me calling you in tears a couple of months after Kayla died with the news that Colombo sold my painting without permission?”
He nodded slowly. “I was willing to get our lawyer involved.”
“Good, you do remember. Here’s the point. Tonight, we were browsing the displays at the galleria when Mom decided to go off on her own.” The memory of what happened next had me perspiring and made my legs feel weak. I pulled a chair over and sat down across from Jack.
“Suddenly, Judy and I heard her scream.” I leaned toward Jack and grabbed his hand. “In the middle of this fancy gala reception, we heard my mother shouting, ‘That’s my granddaughter.’ And her voice echoed throughout the entire place. Everybody heard. Everybody looked.”
My fingers ached from gripping him so hard. “I ran to her, and when I got there, I understood everything. As if a wave of light passed through me, the secrets of the world. I saw what she saw, and I screamed too. Looking at Kayla, at Girl with Secrets, I wanted to howl. My world tilted and went awry. What was real and what wasn’t?
“Jack, Jack...This is one of the things I need to tell you. I now understand how you felt that night of our anniversary party. I really get it. Back then, I was only thinking about myself and how the painting made me feel better. I’d assumed the same for you. I was wrong, Jack, and I’m so sorry. So very sorry.”
Silence. I watched his Adam’s apple move up and down a couple of times. My grip loosened, but I continued holding his hand. He coughed, a clearing-the-throat type of cough.
“Thank you for that.”
“You’re welcome.” I took a deep breath. “But I’m not finished yet.”
“It’s enough for me. Validation is everything.”
I stood, held up my hand. “Wait. There’s more. Tonight I’m putting everything on the line. I know I’m taking a chance, but it’s better than being in limbo. I don’t want us to be the only couple in the support group whose husband and wife don’t support each other.”
Jack leaned forward in his chair, head cocked, eyelids slightly closed. “What do you want?” he asked softly.
“Everything. I want everything, but I can’t have anything until I confess all my mea culpas.”
“Oh, please, Claire.”
When he seemed about to stand up, I placed my hand on his shoulder and pressed. Like trying to move a boulder. “No, sit and listen for a minute, like you used to.” I’m sure he complied out of courtesy rather than curiosity. It was good enough for me. I took a breath.
“I’ve been blaming everybody else for Kayla’s death. Certainly Sarah Levine, and the cop who stopped me, then poor Ian. But all the time, I really believed the accident was my fault. You didn’t think it made sense to blame myself when I wasn’t even on the scene, but you didn’t know everything that happened beforehand.”
I started to pace then stopped myself. Jack deserved to see me straight on, eye-to-eye. Nothing to hide.
“With Colombo on that day in class.
..I felt like a teenager. He loved my work—his compliments overflowed—and I thought maybe it was more. The other students gathered round also; their awe of my work kind of surprised me. But Colombo held my attention, and I stayed late, not because I was actually painting, but because we were having a-a repartee. A flirtation. And I was flattered at his interest. I ate it up like I was a starving child.
“But I saw the truth last night when he bragged about me to a roomful of art patrons and art lovers. I understood that, in class, he’d been talking only about the feelings between the artist and her art. He’d fallen in love all right, but only with my blossoming talent, with what he saw on my canvas.
“But the big question is, how could I have gotten so carried away when I love you so much?”
I collapsed into the chair again, but before he could speak, I gripped both his hands. “I believed Kayla died because...because I was basking in his compliments. And I wa-wanted to know him better. That’s the reason I was l-late. In the end, I believed she died because of me-e-e.... That I destroyed everything I treasured. You and Ian. Us. Our family.”
I’d used up my last drop of courage and was sobbing now. To my surprise, tears streamed down Jack’s face too.
“But you don’t blame yourself anymore?”
I shook my head. “I have to let it go. If I don’t, there’s no hope for a future.” I stared at the man I’d loved for more than twenty-five years, tried to get myself under control. “Do you want a future...with me? Can you forgive me?”
“For what? A marriage involves two people, Claire. I pace the floor at night wondering where I went wrong with you. Maybe I buried myself at the office too much. Maybe I should have taken your art more seriously. Maybe I wasn’t strong enough for you to lean on. If I’d been a better listener, maybe you wouldn’t have been compelled to paint that exquisite portrait in the first place. So I’m not guilt-free either. Mea culpa.”
If he was trying to make me feel better, I wasn’t having it. “You were the sane one. I was the crazy one. I closed myself off from you and Ian. But you? You’ve been there for me and for our son. For God’s sake, you even conspired for an intervention. How many people do that?”
“Hmm. I guess the desperate ones do. And I was desperate to have you back with me before it became too late. I wanted the real Claire.”
My breath hitched. “Do you still feel that way?”
He stood, opened his arms, and I stepped inside. “You’ve always been the one for me. In sickness and health. And everything in between. A new beginning will be our salvation, Claire. Yours, mine, Ian’s...everyone’s.”
Wrapping myself around him, I said, “So, come home, Jack. Please come home.”
His arms tightened around me. I felt his kiss on my cheek. “Aren’t we there right now?”
Yes. Yes, we were. ClaireAndJack. JackAndClaire. As long as we flourished, anywhere was home.
I’d married a very smart man.
Chapter 39
IAN
January
Thankfully, the holidays were over. In my opinion, Tina’s first Christmas was just too much. Too much fuss, too much running from one house to the other. Grandma Barbara’s on Christmas Eve, Grandma Pearl’s the next day. The baby and I actually slept at Grandma Barbara’s. Funny that Mom didn’t host, but it was good to know my grands hadn’t slowed down. As for the presents...well, just too darn many. I wondered if the doting grandparents believed I couldn’t provide enough for Tina.
I was happy to return to normal routines. Yesterday, Ben Parker called me into his office. After a year and a half with the company, I’d gotten a raise and continued to do my work well—at least, I thought so—and couldn’t imagine what Mr. Parker wanted. He’d had a gleam in his eye as soon as he saw me, and I didn’t have to wait long to find out why.
“Full tuition paid by the company,” my boss said. “Just like a scholarship. Now you’ll be a real college boy. Take as many courses as you want each term at night or even Saturdays. Can’t beat that, can ya? Told you I’d pull out all stops.”
The man looked as proud as a new dad, eager for his “boy” to jump up and down with excitement. And all I felt was overwhelmed and exhausted. How could I work full-time days, attend school at night, and be a good daddy to Tina? But I tried not to let my doubts show. One thing I’d learned from my own dad was never to burn any bridges.
“Wow, Mr. Parker. Thanks. Thanks a lot for recommending me. It’s a great opportunity...and it’s a lot to think about right now.”
“Figure it out, Ian. And don’t take too long. You’re a young man. You’ve got the energy. Think about your future and where you want to be in five years.”
This time I couldn’t hide the grin. “Five years? I’m lucky if I can see ahead five minutes at a time.”
He waved away my lame joke. “Hire a babysitter. It’ll be worth the investment. Later on, you’ll be able to support that daughter of yours without a worry in the world. The industry offers real opportunities for a smart guy like you. With the right education, the sky’s the limit. You’re a science guy, aren’t you? Geology, earth sciences, chemistry.... Heck, boy, I never had those kinds of chances. Grab it while you can.”
Parker’s sincerity rang true. The schooling sounded good. Tempting. But I wasn’t ready to sign any paperwork for the Human Resources Department or apply to the university yet. I needed time to think. Being responsible for Tina had me thinking two and three times about every decision I made. Truth was, I didn’t dream about my own future too often. I was buried in schedules and chores and trying to get through one day at a time. Which seemed like a reasonable goal to me.
When I left Mr. Parker’s office, however, his enthusiasm grabbed hold. I found myself hoping that my tomorrows held more than changing diapers and sleeping whenever I could.
I wished Ben Parker didn’t remind me so much of my dad.
“Hey, Barnes. We’re going out for drinks and some fun. Wanna come?”
In the locker room the next day, I looked up at the new guy offering the invite.
“Sorry, Pete. Can’t make it tonight. Maybe another time.”
“Ian can’t make it any night,” chimed in one of my teammates. “Now that Colleen’s gone, he’s on the mommy track.”
I couldn’t take too much offense. What he said was true. I hadn’t gone out with the guys after work since Tina’s arrival, but still, the words stung.
“I’d call it the daddy track. Next time give me some advance warning, and I’ll arrange extra daycare. But last-minute is out.”
Leaving the plant, I thought about how I’d never connected with Danny in person during the holidays after all. He may have been on vacation, but I wasn’t. A telephone call was all we’d managed. The daddy track had won out again. But Tina was my responsibility, and I couldn’t take a risk of something terrible happening to her like with Kayla.
I drove directly to Tina’s daycare center. Despite my mother’s concerns, I thought the place was terrific. Finding it had been a major victory, one that I'd managed without anyone’s help. Most importantly, my daughter seemed happy there. The moment she spotted me today, her arms started waving, and her verbalizing got louder.
“Hey, little girl,” I said, scooping her up. My heart pumped bucketfuls of love every time she cuddled in that sweet spot under my neck. “Ready to go home?”
Legally, she was now one hundred percent mine, and having sole custody scared me, so I pushed those thoughts aside. Dad’s lawyers prepared the paperwork. Dad said he and Mom had walked on eggshells until they saw the final documents. They simply couldn’t imagine a young woman giving up custodial rights to her child. Well, they’d never known Colleen, never heard her sing or heard about her plans. If Mom ever looked in the mirror, she might see some of Colleen there. Babies might be more helpless and cuter, but I was still a kid in high school when she gave me up.
Once at home, I tossed the mail on the counter except for the small, flat package postmarked Nashville
, TN. I put that one aside. Anytime Colleen got in touch, whether with a rare phone call or a letter, I needed quiet time to give her my full attention. As Dad had explained to me over our occasional dinners, Colleen and I would always be connected to each other because of Tina, regardless of legalities. A happy, successful, and independent Colleen could only be good for all of us, including her.
Tina came first. Before my supper, before Colleen’s package, before cleaning the kitchen. All the books on divorce said the child needed stability and routines. I could provide that better than Colleen. Even Ted Willis didn’t dispute that fact when he found out about the arrangement. “It’s best for little Tina,” he’d said while giving the baby a kiss on the forehead.
Between facing Kayla’s death and Tina’s birth, there was no going back to being a boy again. My childhood was long over; my teenage years were over too. Sometimes I thought I’d skipped them altogether and that I’d never been a happy-go-lucky kid. I’d graduated to adulthood as soon as I became Tina’s daddy.
After I got Tina down, hopefully for the night, I took Colleen’s slim package into the living room. When I slit the cardboard, a jewel case with a CD fell onto the couch. The enclosed note said:
Dear Ian,
The final version of the song on this CD will be released next Tuesday as a single. (Every new song in the music industry is released on a Tuesday). If anyone finds out I’ve sent this, I could get into trouble. I thought you deserved a heads-up because the song’s about us. I hope you like it and aren’t embarrassed. It will be part of my first album, which I think will come out next Christmas. Woo-hoo! Can you tell I’m excited?
Colleen
P.S. I’ve got my own computer now. Here’s my email address.
Please write and tell me what you think of “Late October.”
Embarrassed? That’s the word I was stuck on. What the hell had she written? I liked my privacy, but if she’d used my name in the song, I’d be hearing from everyone I ever knew. Dang, dang, dang. I looked at the jewel case as if it were Pandora’s Box. Yup. That’s what it was, but I had no choice except to open it. Tuesday would come, and I’d need to be prepared. Heck, my whole family listened to country music as well as rock and everything in between. I’d have to prepare them too.
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