by Ronica Black
Howie didn’t respond, just sipped his coffee.
Krista stared at the back of his head, unable to stand the sight of him, injured or not. She wouldn’t be able to relax until she’d seen him get into the ambulance. “I will send you your paycheck, paying you for the work you did do,” she said. “I will also be filing a police report on your behavior.”
He whipped his head up but Rae closed her hand in on his shoulder, her jaw clenched. “I think you owe Ms. Wyler an apology for all the trouble you caused.”
Howie seemed stubborn for a few seconds, but then relented. “I’m sorry.”
Rae released her grip and crossed the room to collect her duffel bag. Krista watched her disappear down the hall and heard the soft click of the guest bathroom door closing. Still hurting and confused, Krista turned back to her coffee and found Sonja focused on her. She didn’t speak but her eyes honed in on Krista’s neck.
Krista raised her hand to her neck, remembering the aggressive lovemaking. She didn’t know Rae had left a mark.
Sonja’s mouth turned down and she sat down at the table. “Mmm-hmm,” she let out, making Krista blush. But Sonja let her off the hook, at least for the time being, instead shifting her focus to the slumped cowboy. “So what’s your story, John Wayne? I heard you can’t keep your brain in your pants.”
Howie narrowed his eyes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Isn’t that just like a man? They want nothing more than for the entire world to focus on their penis, but then when they get caught whipping it out, suddenly they don’t have one.”
“I’m sick and tired of hearing all you women talk,” Howie grumbled.
Krista glared at him. “Well, you’re in luck. Because if you’ve got prior offenses, my little report will send your ass to jail, where there’s nothing but men.”
She didn’t wait for a response. She’d allowed Howie to distract her long enough, and she was impatient with herself for procrastinating. She stood.
“You ready to see her now?” Sonja asked.
Krista looked down at Jagger and felt her eyes begin to water. She wanted to move, but her feet remained where they were.
Sonja touched her arm. “Go on, honey. You need to do this. Just go on in there and sit next to the bed. Hold her hand and talk to her. She can hear you.” She paused, gazing deep into Krista’s eyes. “She’s waiting for you.”
Krista nodded. Not wanting to cry in front of anyone, she walked quickly away, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. As she entered the hallway she passed by the guest bath where she could hear Rae showering, but she kept her eyes forward. The morning light drifted into the hall, seeping in from windows of the other rooms. Krista was surprised to find Judith’s bedroom equally bright, the blinds open, the white light warming the room. She stood at the door for a long while, letting her eyes sweep around the familiar furnishings and colorful paintings. In her mind, she’d imagined a darker, sadder space, with a funeral feel to it. But the room was tidy and warm with fresh flowers on the dresser. It smelled like it always had, like Clinton’s Stetson cologne.
Slowly, and fighting back tears, she released a shaky breath and allowed her gaze to settle on her aunt. Judith was lying on her back in the bed, covers tucked in around her, her long braid trailing down her shoulder. Her breathing was slow and steady, her skin pale but her face peaceful. She looked as if she were taking a nap.
Krista approached carefully, afraid to wake her. She covered her aunt’s hand with her own and bent to kiss her. Her skin was soft and cool. Next to her, the IV machine worked like a silent guardian.
Krista whispered, “Hello, Aunt Judith.” She pulled up the chair from the wall and sat down. Holding her aunt’s hand, she said, “I’m back from the trail. Our first run is a big success.” She smiled, trying hard to sound positive. Her voice shook as she fought off tears.
“The group, they're still out, Cody's with them and they've all done real well.” She watched Judith's face for some sort of reaction but saw nothing. Pained, she rose and tucked in Judith’s blanket. Keeping busy seemed easier than sitting and staring and…expecting. “I think the whole thing's going to be a success. It's really going to work, Aunt Judith. As soon as you wake up you can see for yourself.”
The words burned her throat. She lowered the back of her hand to stroke Judith's face. The beautiful, sparkling blue eyes didn't open. The witty laugh didn't rise up from her throat. Krista fought back sobs. “You will wake up, won't you, Aunt Judith? You have to.”
Krista broke down then, the sobs squeezing her ribs. Oh God, she was too late. Judith wasn't responding, she was already gone. Krista covered her mouth to try and stifle the sobs and sank down into the chair. She kept talking, desperate, hoping. “And I did just fine on the horse. I know we both had our doubts but you were right, all I had to do was climb back up in the saddle.”
She brought Judith’s hand to her face and closed her eyes. Suddenly, she could no longer pretend. She was scared. Terrified. “I need you," she confessed. “All these years…I've always needed you.”
She squeezed the limp hand and remembered how strong it had always been. Hot tears flamed up from her belly to her chest to her throat. She held the hand clinging to life and cried so hard it hurt. All the guilt, all the regret, it came surging up out of her. She thought of her own life and how she’d realized she’d wasted it on moneymaking and material things. She had no one. No one to share anything with, no family of her own. And then she thought of Rae and the rejection and how she’d finally found the romance and sparks and love, and yet it wanted nothing to do with her. More sobs came, hot and sharp; they hurt, badly. She swallowed hard and breathed deep, unable to take any more.
“Oh God, Aunt Judith, I should have done so many things differently.”
Her body shook with pain and she felt hollow and bruised from the inner exertion. She focused on Judith. The constant feel of the soft, cool skin against her heated cheeks comforted her enough to calm. She continued to control her breathing and examined Judith’s hand, massaging the pale skin that slid easily over the bone. Brown freckles from the sun showed Judith's age, just as the scars and rough feel of her knuckles mirrored a lifetime of hard work.
Krista smiled slightly and kissed it. She linked their fingers and reached out with her free hand to stroke the loose hairs away from Judith's forehead. As she stroked her aunt’s face she began to hum. The sound was comforting, so soothing that she nearly put herself to sleep.
The restless nights and hard days on the trail, the confusing emotions over Rae, and the stress over Judith—all of it suddenly seemed to have drained her. She was beyond exhausted, but still, she didn't want to leave her aunt's side. She wanted to be there in case Judith woke up.
With heavy eyes, Krista leaned forward on her elbows. Still holding Judith’s hand, she lowered her head and closed her eyes.
*
Sometime later Krista felt a hand on her shoulder.
“Krista, wake up.” It was a whisper and Krista opened her tired eyes to find Sonja tending to her aunt, taking her pulse and examining her eyes.
Feeling heavy and sore, Krista pushed herself up. At some point her head had fallen to the bed and she’d fallen asleep, yet she couldn’t remember it happening. “How long have I been in here?” She pushed back her hair and wiped her face, trying to stir up some blood. Judith lay sleeping quietly, looking the same as she had earlier.
Sonja wrapped her stethoscope around her neck and adjusted the wrinkled blanket. “Two hours or so.”
Krista groaned. “I must’ve fallen asleep but I didn’t want to leave her.”
“She’s not going to get up and run away.”
Krista nodded, studying Judith’s pallor and pressed faded pink lips. “I know. I just don’t want her to…” The mere thought of the word tightened her throat, so she considered the other possibility. “I mean, what if she wakes up and I’m not here?”
Sonja sighed and lo
wered herself to a chair. She seemed to think for a long while before she spoke. “She’s not going to wake up. Not at this point. She’s comfortable now, and she will pass on.”
Krista lowered her eyes, refusing to hear. “My aunt, she’s a strong woman. She might wake up and I want to be here when she does. To tell her how much I love her, and to tell her I’m here for her now and that I’m sorry I stayed away so long. So very sorry.” She covered her mouth as the words began to strangle in her throat.
Sonja folded her hands in her lap. “Krista?”
Krista met her eyes.
“You just told her. She heard you.”
“But—”
“It doesn’t matter, Krista. You have to say your piece now, while she’s still somewhat with us, and then let her go. It doesn’t matter that she’s not awake. She’s still here, and that’s all that matters.”
Krista said nothing. She just sat and allowed the tears to slide down her face. After a while, Sonja spoke again.
“Why don’t you go get cleaned up and get some breakfast?”
Krista wiped away the tears. “I don’t want to leave her.”
“She’s not going anywhere.”
“What if she dies? What if she dies and no one is in here with her?” The thought terrified her. She wasn’t going to let that happen.
Sonja stood and came around the bed to Krista’s chair. She reached out for her hand and helped her to stand. “She’s going to go when she chooses to go. She’s comfortable, not in any pain, her family is here…she’ll probably go very soon now. And she may slip away while she’s all alone. Or she may wait and go with all of you by her side. There’s just no way to know for sure. But you’ve said what you wanted to say. You’re here and she knows that. She heard you and that’s all you can do.”
Krista felt like melting under Sonja’s kind touch. She was so tired. So confused. So torn up inside. Sonja seemed to sense this.
“Go take a hot shower. Get cleaned up and get something to eat.” She smiled. “Besides, you know darn well that Mrs. Wyler wouldn’t want you in here clinging to her, wet and dirty from the trail, catching cold.”
Krista managed a soft laugh.
Sonja patted her arm. “Go on, now. Someone else wants to see her, so she’ll be looked after.”
Krista nodded and bent to kiss Judith on the forehead. She gave her hand one last squeeze, then headed for the door. Just before she walked out, she turned and asked, “Who wants to see her?”
“Dr. Jarrett.”
Krista felt herself twitch slightly at the name. “Oh.”
Sonja seemed to have noticed something odd in her reaction. Her mouth lifted on one side as if she knew darn well that there was definitely something going on between them but she wasn’t quite sure what. “Yes. She’s been waiting all morning.”
The information stung and Krista knew her emotion was evident on her face. “Why didn’t she just come in, then?”
“She didn’t want to disturb you.”
Krista looked away, unable to speak. Torn between confusion and grief, she turned and slipped out the door.
*
Rae listened carefully from the living room as Krista left the master bedroom. She stroked the little coyote in her lap and kept an eye on Clinton. He tossed more logs into the fire, talking to himself as he worked and occasionally even whistling, somehow managing to do so with the pipe in his mouth. He’d already forgotten that Howie had been taken away by the fire department in an ambulance. Every so often he asked where the surly cowboy had gone.
“Mr. Wyler, why don’t you go with Dr. Jarrett to look in on Mrs. Wyler?” Sonja asked from the entrance to the hallway doorway.
“Sure.” Rae placed the pup on the floor and stood.
Clinton turned from the fire and puffed his pipe. He looked dazed. “Judy’s still sleeping?”
“Yes, Mr. Wyler.” Sonja’s calm expression sent a signal Rae recognized from her own work. Judith was probably going to go very soon.
Rae’s worries surfaced again. She didn’t know how well she was going to handle this herself, and she knew how rough the loss was going to be for Krista. As she thought about Krista and the powerful feelings she’d stirred, Rae suddenly felt like she might not be able to handle anything anymore.
Rae knew she’d done wrong by Krista. But she didn’t know how to make it right or even if she ever really could. How could she tell her that she was afraid to love? Afraid to lose? Especially when Krista would soon be dealing with the Judith’s death.
Sonja crossed the room to the fireplace to snatch up one of the countless books of matches they routinely took from Clinton. They’d tried hiding the lighters and matches, but when he wanted to smoke he always found the means.
Clinton ambled after Sonja as she and Rae walked down the hallway. Rae gently pushed open the door and allowed Clinton to enter ahead of her. He paused when he caught sight of his wife, and Rae had to place an anchoring hand on his shoulder to get him to move again. He approached the bed quietly, as if he might wake her. When he looked at her face, a genuine look of surprise overcame him and he staggered a bit before Rae helped him sink into the chair.
“Judy?” He reached out and patted her hand. The concern, shock, and sadness in his eyes was almost more than Rae could bear to see. When Judith didn’t respond he tried again. “Why won’t she wake up?”
“Because she’s ill. She needs her rest.” Rae walked around the bed and took a seat opposite Clinton. She held Judith’s hand and clenched her jaw to fight off tears. The hand was smooth and still and cool. Just like Shannon’s had been by the time she’d managed to crawl to her. Cold and wet, lying lifeless in the grass.
Rae forced the thought from her mind and let her gaze roam from Judith to Clinton, asking herself what she could do for her close friends now, when she was most needed. Clinton puffed his pipe, confused, his eyes continually sweeping over his wife, searching for answers Rae knew he would never find. Why was her hair gray? When did she grow old?
“Mrs. Wyler,” she croaked. “It’s me, Rae. And Clinton’s here too. We’re going to sit with you for a while, okay?” Rae concentrated on controlling her emotions. It was difficult to see her longtime friend in such a state. Weak, almost hollow. Just skin and bones. And Clinton didn’t look much better, wondering where his vibrant young wife had gone.
Rae breathed in and out, soothed by the slow, steady pulse in Judith’s hand. They sat in silence for a long while until Clinton began to talk. He spoke directly to Judith, surprisingly as if nothing at all was wrong. Rae watched and listened and reasoned that to Clinton nothing was wrong. His mind was taking him to all sorts of places in the past. He spoke of the ranch and the new 1962 Chevy he wanted. And did Judith ever make up her mind about how many chickens she wanted? And how they needed to finish the bunkhouses before winter.
Rae listened quietly, moved by his memories and by the life they’d had together. She thought of Krista, and then of Shannon, and then of Judith passing on. Her chest ached in horrible pain. Her head swam in thick darkness. Nothing could make any of it better. Nothing.
Frustrated, she wiped angrily at her tears.
*
Krista stood at the door, unsure about entering. She’d done as Sonja suggested, taking a long hot shower and then eating some eggs and toast. She’d been surprised at her hunger and she already felt a little better just from having eaten.
“Go on in.” Sonja placed a gentle hand on the small of Krista’s back. “I was just about to check on her.”
Krista hesitated. Rae had allowed her to spend time alone with Judith and she thought that maybe she should do the same. She also wasn’t sure how she felt about having to sit near Rae, or speak with her. “I think they may want their privacy.”
Sonja gave her a look that let her know she wasn’t fooling anyone. “You can’t avoid Dr. Jarrett forever.”
Sighing, Krista followed Sonja into the room. Clinton was chatting away about the new pipe Judith had gi
ven him for his birthday. Krista’s heart melted; it had probably been years since the gift. Judith had been trying to get him to quit smoking for some time. Rae stood to let Krista by and glanced nervously at her, but then offered a small smile.
Krista returned it, unsure what it meant, but she reasoned that Rae was probably being polite just as she always was. She waited at the foot of the bed as Sonja examined Judith.
“How is she?” Krista smiled at her own question, thinking for the briefest of moments that her aunt would open her eyes and sit up and say, “I’m just fine, damn it! Don’t talk like I’m not here!”
Clinton finally realized she was there. “Krista!”
“Hi, tío.” Her voice was low with pain and she didn’t think she could hold it together long enough to explain once again how long she’d been there. “How’s Aunt Judith?” she asked, trying to change his focus.
“She’s sleeping,” he said matter-of-factly. “But she’ll be up soon. We’ve got an auction to go to.” He began digging in his pockets. “I can’t find my damn truck keys.”
Krista lowered her head. “I’ll help you find them later, tío.”
Sonja straightened from listening to Judith’s heart. As she rounded the bed, she patted Krista’s shoulder and left the room.
Clinton stared after her, his expression one of confusion. “Who is that?”
Krista struggled for a response and Rae sensed this and spoke for her. “She helps to take care of Judith. Her name’s Sonja.”
Clinton looked back to his wife and his eyes once again clouded with the mist of confusion and sadness. “What’s wrong with her?” He seemed so childlike, so innocent and naïve.
“She’s ill,” Rae whispered.
Clinton searched his pockets again, this time for tobacco. When he came up empty he went to chewing on his pipe. They stood in silence as Judith began to make soft sounds. Krista straightened, and she and Rae stepped up to her and studied her face. The noise continued, small whimpers that soon turned into words.