by Ronica Black
“Krista, hey! How are you?”
Krista stroked Jagger’s fluffy head. “I’m okay, how are you?”
“Busy. Thanks to my best friend, I’m beating clients off with a stick.”
“Good, I’m glad.”
“So when are you coming home?”
“I’m going to have movers move my things next week,” Krista said.
“So you’re going to stay at the ranch?”
“Yes.”
“Well, when can I see you?”
Jagger suckled noisily and Krista couldn’t help but smile at him. “That’s why I’m calling. The service is tomorrow.”
“Where?”
“I’ll e-mail you the directions. It’s at a small church.”
“I’ll be there.”
“Suzanne?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks again for everything.”
“You got it, babe. Can’t wait to see you.”
“Me too.”
The call ended and Krista tightened her arms gently around the one being in her life she could truly, truly love without fear of rejection.
Chapter Twenty-One
The church was small, white, and quaint. Rae crossed the parking lot and sank her nervous hands in her pockets. The sun had just set, casting pinks and oranges on the front of the church, as if Judith herself were signaling the way.
Rae breathed deep and glanced down at herself. Black dress slacks and a blueberry-colored dress shirt. It wasn’t exactly fashion attire but she hoped it was good enough. She held open the door as several people exited, whispering quietly. She knew the service had ended and she tried to relax a little when she saw the red felt pews nearly bare. As she walked down the aisle, her chest tightened and she knew she never would’ve made it through the funeral service itself.
She approached the shiny oak casket with fresh wildflowers strewn across it. Judith’s favorite. Surrounding the casket were several other large flower arrangements. Rae inhaled, and as their strong scent filled her head, she began to feel dizzy. Trembling, she rested her hands on the sides of the casket.
“Judith,” she tried to speak clearly, to share what she felt, but the words escaped her.
Judith lay in the center of the white satin cushions trimmed with lace. Her face was thin and drawn, but not pale like before. She looked peaceful, like she was resting, her long braid draped over her right shoulder. A light yellow cotton dress covered her body and her hands were folded neatly over her abdomen, with her wedding ring reflecting the light from the stained glass windows.
A vision of Shannon laid out exactly the same way flashed in her mind. Shannon’s mother screaming from the front pew. Her family glaring at Rae, blaming her. And Rae had let them. Taking on all the guilt. Tears welled in her eyes. It was all too familiar. First Shannon, now Judith. Death didn’t make any sense. It seemed to have no rhyme or reason. How was she supposed to cope?
“Doc,” Dwight greeted her softly, standing next to her, hands clasped in front of him. He looked nice in a dark blazer, bolo tie, and dark jeans.
“Dwight,” she rasped.
“You doing okay?” He clasped her shoulder. His eyes were sad and sincere.
“Yeah.” She looked away. Her breath shook in her lungs. Judith. Gone. Forever. She forced herself to speak, shoving her trembling hands into her pockets. “How is everyone? Clinton?”
Dwight looked around. “Not good. He uh, he got up and ran from the service. The shock of it, you know. Every time he hears it, he’s shocked again.”
Rae swallowed back more fire. Poor Clinton. Dear God, how was he going to get through this? “Krista?” she asked, unable not to.
Dwight cleared his throat.
“I’ve been better.”
Rae turned. Krista stood a few feet away wearing an elegant but simple black dress and pumps. Her green eyes sparkled, but Rae could tell she’d been crying. Dwight squeezed Rae’s shoulder and excused himself, leaving the two of them alone.
When the door to the church closed, Krista pinned Rae with a serious look. “How about you, how are you?”
Rae sucked in a breath to speak but no words would come. She felt her lips begin to tremble just like her hands. Krista’s face softened and her eyes searched Rae’s face hurriedly. Her hand, soft and warm, cupped Rae’s cheek.
“Come here,” she whispered, pulling Rae in for a strong embrace.
The feel of Krista in her arms, the scent of her, the strength of her—all of it opened the floodgates and Rae clung to her, crying. The pain was fire in her belly, in her chest, in her throat. She cried hard. Long and hard. Krista never faltered. She held on to her as if they belonged in each other’s arms and she would never let her go.
The door to the church opened again and Rae caught sight of Dwight, who froze when he saw the two of them. “I’m sorry. I just wanted to tell Krista that Clinton’s in the car.”
Rae pulled away and ran down the aisle.
“Doc!” he called to her as she brushed by.
But she kept on. She ran to her truck and drove away as fast as she could.
She ran and she ran and she ran.
But the pain always managed to catch up.
*
“This is incredible,” Suzanne said, walking with Krista around the property. “I can see why you chose this over city life in Phoenix.”
Krista smiled and eased her hands into her back pockets. “It is something, isn’t it?”
They stopped along the front fence line and stared out over the lush desert landscape. The day was bright and sunny, with high purple clouds that looked like they’d been rubbed into the sky. Krista was enjoying the light breeze, thinking of her aunt, when Suzanne spoke again.
“So what’s going on with you?”
“What do you mean?” Krista asked.
Suzanne’s eyes were full of concern. “Something’s the matter. At first I thought it was your aunt passing, but now I know it’s something more.”
Krista stared back at the blowing sage trees. “I’m fine.”
“Bullshit. You’re skinny and pale and depressed. And don’t tell me it’s stress. I’ve seen you handle stress, seen you eat stress for breakfast.”
Krista pressed her lips together. Her eyes began to well. It had been days since she’d last seen Rae at the church, and she still couldn’t wipe her from her mind. “I think I’m in love.”
Suzanne blinked. “What?”
Krista laughed and wiped away a tear. “I’m in love.”
“Well, that’s wonderful.” Suzanne smiled.
“No, it’s not.” Krista sniffled. “She wants nothing to do with me.”
Suzanne studied her. “Who is it?”
“Remember the woman who ran from the church?” Suzanne and a few others had been in the parking lot when Rae had made her escape.
“The vet? Tall, dark, and running?”
“Yes,” Krista breathed.
“Does she know how you feel?”
Krista started to answer but stopped. “I…I think so.”
“You mean you haven’t told her?”
“She runs from me before I get a chance. She makes love to me and runs. She kisses me and runs…”
“Does she give a reason?”
Krista shook her head in defeat. “All she ever says is that she’s sorry and that she can’t.”
“I see.” Suzanne stared out at the desert. “She’s the one who made love to you, kissed you?”
“Yes.”
“So she made the first moves?”
“Yes.”
Suzanne folded her arms across her chest. “She’s scared.”
“Of what? Of me? Am I that awful?”
“No. No, of course not. It’s something else.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know. But if you really feel how you say you feel about her, you owe it to yourself to find out.”
“I don’t think I can. I can’t handle another rejection. I mean, if she
felt the same about me, she would come and tell me, right?”
Suzanne seemed to think about that. “Maybe. It depends.”
They stared off into the distance.
“You always seem to have all the answers,” Krista said.
“So what are you going to do?”
Krista sighed and thought of her upcoming date with Lindsay. “Try to forget her.”
Suzanne chuckled. “Krista, if it’s love, you won’t be able to.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
Country music blared and women laughed and kissed and held each other close. Rae sat slumped at the bar, staring down into her mug of beer.
“You ever gonna drink that, pumpkin?” the bartender asked, trucker hat on crooked.
Rae examined the white foamy head of the beer. “No.”
The bartender slung her towel over her shoulder and moved away, shaking her head in wonder. Rae inhaled the alcohol and closed her eyes. She wished she could drink. She wished she could just wash all her pain away with a few deep swallows. But she couldn’t. She hadn’t been able to touch the stuff since the accident. The night her whole fucking life changed forever. Why couldn’t it have been her? Shannon didn’t deserve that. Shannon deserved better, way better. Shannon deserved someone who loved her.
Rae rubbed her temples, a headache coming on full force. Sighing, she removed her ball cap and scratched her head, turning to face the crowd. It was Saturday night and the place was packed with cowgirls in Western wear, along with those just out looking for a good time and a good woman at the local country bar.
As she looked from face to face, Rae allowed her vision to blur, not wanting to focus on anyone particular. Earlier a couple of glammed-up femmes had tried their hand at getting her to dance, but she’d turned them down, uninterested. She’d already found the woman she wanted and she’d already figured out that she could never have her. That no matter how much time she could have with her, it would never be enough.
Krista. Thick auburn hair. Voluptuous body. Fiery green eyes. Lips to die for.
Like her.
The one sitting at the table across the room.
The one laughing and drinking Miller Lite from the bottle.
The one with Lindsay.
Rae stood and nearly fell, suddenly feeling like she’d had not one but twenty beers. Her skin flooded with red-hot heat.
“You okay, pumpkin?”
Rae pushed away angrily from the bar. The woman could go fuck herself and her pumpkins.
*
“You’re cracking me up,” Krista said, still laughing.
Lindsay twirled her straw. “I’m serious. She was a petite woman but I swear to God, she was huge. I never did find my wristwatch.”
Krista burst out laughing. It felt good to laugh. Really good. “You are so bad!”
Lindsay held up a hand. “I’m just telling it like it is. Or was.”
She wriggled her fingers and Krista laughed again. Rae must laugh all the time with her. They must have a great time working together. Krista stopped laughing at the thought of Rae.
Lindsay too quieted down, sipping from her drink. “So what about you? You have any funny stories?”
Krista shook her head. “Not like you.”
“Oh, come on. Beautiful woman like you. I know you’ve had at least one thing stand out in your love life.”
Krista took a sip of her beer, her mood altogether changed. “Actually, there was this one.”
“Uh-huh.” Lindsay leaned in, interested.
“I fought it at first, you know. The attraction I felt. She was goddamned gorgeous. Not like any of the women I’d ever dated before. She was different. Raw. Intense.”
“Sounds like a hottie.”
“Hot doesn’t even come close.”
“No?” Lindsay egged her on.
“No.” Krista smiled, suddenly feeling aroused at discussing Rae. She could say what she wanted, what she felt, without any worries. “She was incredible.”
“The sex was good?”
“The sex was phenomenal. Frenzied, passionate, like she couldn’t get enough of me…” Krista met Lindsay’s candid blue eyes. “Actually, those were her words.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. I’d never let a woman make love to me like that before. Ever.”
“Why not?”
“Because I always liked to be the one in control.”
Lindsay nodded. “I know what you mean.”
“But with Ra—” Krista stopped herself but Lindsay didn’t seem to notice. “It was different with her. I gave myself to her. I wanted to.”
“So what happened?”
Krista rubbed her beer bottle. “She ran.”
Lindsay cleared her throat and sat back in her stool. Her eyes were focused beyond Krista. “She ran,” she repeated.
“Yes.”
“Is that a fact?”
Krista looked at her and saw the serious expression on her face as her eyes traveled to the door. Krista turned but only saw the door swinging closed. “Is something wrong? Someone you know?”
Lindsay’s eyes drifted back to her. “Just someone running.”
*
“Good morning, tío.” Krista smiled with difficulty.
Clinton smiled in return and she kissed his cheek. He felt cold and she could smell the strong scent of tequila on his breath.
“When did you get here?” he asked.
Krista held his face, worried. She didn’t know if he meant overall or from the trail ride, or from her morning chores. She’d given up trying to keep up with where his memory left off. “A few weeks ago,” she said, stunned at how so much had changed in her life within the span of a few weeks, especially the past few days.
Clinton nodded, but she could see in his eyes that he had already lost track of their conversation. Instead, he dug in his back pocket for his pipe and began packing it with tobacco. Krista led him out to the porch and they sat. He lit up and puffed away. Krista inhaled the familiar scent and allowed it to comfort her.
She hadn’t seen Rae since the day of Aunt Judith’s funeral. Rae. The black ravens flapping their wings in her mind kept calling out her name.
She glanced down as something yanked at her foot. Jagger tugged on her shoelaces, growling ferociously. Krista smiled down at the fluffy little cub, thankful she had him at this time in her life when she most needed his easy love.
“Is that a coyote?” Clinton leaned forward to get a better look at Jagger who was lying on top of Krista’s shoe, chewing a little too much.
“Jagger!” Krista bent to scoop him up. He licked her face, tail wagging. She stroked his head turned him to face Clinton. “We found him on the trail. His mother had been killed.”
Clinton sat back and puffed. “I had a coyote once.”
Surprised by his memory, Krista said, “Really?”
“Tall, skinny thing.” He stared off in the distance. “Caught him in the chicken coop when we first started the ranch. I was going to shoot him but he sat down and stared at me. Looked me right in the eye. After that, we had an understanding. When he’d wander onto the property I’d feed him and he’d leave the chickens alone.” Clinton chuckled. “Your aunt Judy, she hated that coyote. Called him a sneak. She didn’t trust him. And he wouldn’t go near her either. He knew. He only came around when I was here.”
“I can imagine that.” Krista stroked Jagger as he settled in her lap and closed his eye for a nap.
Clinton stared off, lost in his memory. Then he blinked as if awakening from a trance. “Judy’s fine. Just fine. She’ll be up any moment to make breakfast.”
Krista nodded, her eyes welling with tears. They sat in silence, the smoke of the pipe drifting out into the warm midmorning air. Krista didn’t have the heart to repeat what she’d been telling him ever since Judith passed. Somewhere deep within the labyrinth of his memory, he knew his wife was dead.
*
“I told you, I’m not coming in.” Rae held the phone
tightly, her knuckles whitening.
“Why?” Lindsay sounded irritated but Rae didn’t care.
“Because I’m sick.”
“Bullshit.”
“Don’t talk to me like that,” Rae nearly shouted into the phone.
“I can and I will. You’re being a stubborn ass.”
“I thought I was a dick?” Rae hadn’t forgotten that little stab back at the ranch. She stood and began pacing furiously. Twelve years of dedicated practice and she’d never taken a day off for herself. Sick or otherwise. She was entitled to a break.
“Oh, dick was being kind.”
“What the hell is your problem? If I want to take a few days off I’m goddamned going to!”
“My problem? I’ll tell you what my problem is. It’s you running. That’s my problem.”
“What?”
“When are you going to quit running and hiding, Rae?”
Rae clenched her jaw. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but you better watch your tone.”
“I’ll talk to you how I damn well please. You may be my boss but you’re also my best friend. Now tell me the real reason you’re hiding away again.”
“I’m not hiding away.”
“Rae.”
“I don’t want to talk anymore. I’m hanging up.”
“I know you saw Krista and me!”
Silence.
“At the bar, Saturday night. I saw you. And I know you saw me.”
“So?”
“So that’s why you’re pissed.”
Silence.
“You told me to stay away from her because you like her. Because you’ve fallen for her.”
“No.”
“Yes, Rae! You’re angry and you’re hurt.”
“No. You can do what you like. I don’t care.”
“Rae, listen! It’s not like that. Krista and I, we’re friends.”
“Good, whatever. I’m hanging up now.”
“All she did was talk about you!”
Rae ended the call and sank down onto the couch, head in her hands. The phone call and the emotions it caused only strengthened her need to hole up in her house.