by Jillian Hart
“He’s different.”
“Yes.” Nothing she’d ever felt had been like this. “I want to, but I don’t think I can take the risk.”
“Take the risk, Chelsea?”
“It’s the smartest thing. It’s always worked before.” She thought of her parent’s marriage, the way they had been utterly devoted to one another. “I want what Mom and Dad had. True love, happily-ever-after, two hearts, one soul.”
“I know. That’s what I want, too.” Sara Beth lifted Burt into her lap and scooted closer. “But if you don’t take the risk, then you’ll never have a chance of getting it. The only thing you’ll have is your well-planned life. Is that what you want?”
“Hey, there’s nothing wrong with a well-planned life.”
“Right, but there’s only one problem with it,” Sara Beth said as Burt purred loudly. “God is the one who plans your life, not you.”
“Okay, but I live by the proverb, A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.”
“There are many plans in a man’s heart, nevertheless the Lord’s counsel will stand.”
They smiled together in the glow of the Christmas tree. If only she could forget Michael’s kindness and caring. Even now her soul fluttered, wishing for what could be.
He’s not the one, she told her heart and prayed it would listen.
Chapter Fifteen
Monday morning surrounded her in blinding brightness. Sun glanced off snow on the clinic roof and winked off the thin sheet of ice layering the parking lot. Chelsea rolled into the back parking lot, spotted the six other employee vehicles parked in the sunshine and blew out a breath of frustration. Michael’s SUV was not one of them. He wasn’t here, which meant he wasn’t safely tucked behind his closed office door where he usually was this time of day. Which meant he could be anywhere, even turning into the alley this very minute, which meant she was vulnerable to bumping into him.
So much for all her careful planning. She rolled to a stop next to Susan’s SUV while the radio belted out the weather report. “We’re in the path of the jet stream, folks, so batten down the hatches. We’re in for a big blow by the end of the week. I’m dreaming of a white Christmas.”
She turned off the engine, the radio silenced and she unclicked her belt. What were the chances she could get into the building, to her office and close the door for some preclinic hours organizing before Michael pulled in? Maybe he wasn’t even coming to the office this morning, with Kelsey ill in the hospital. Kelsey. That reminded her.
Before she could forget, she yanked her tablet computer out of her bag, cast a furtive glance at the alley to make sure the coast was clear and flipped to her daily to-do list. She typed in, call to check on Kate. This was what she liked best about being a small-town pediatrician, the chance to get to know people and to help them when she could.
A chill crept into the car as she turned off her iPad. Now, if the coast was still clear—
A rap of knuckles on the window beside her made her jump. Michael stared in through the ice-glazed glass. “Hey, are you okay?”
“Fine, yeah.” Flustered, she jammed her iPad into her bag and opened the door. He smelled great, like pine and snow. Why was that the first thing she noticed? It was good to see him. She’d missed him. Two signs she was in deeper than she realized.
She stared at her boots, at her hands, wait—she couldn’t forget about the kitten stuff.
“Here, this is for you.” She reached across the seat and tugged out the shrink-wrapped gift bundle. “I buzzed by the vet clinic on my way here and picked this up for you. All the handouts I told you about are in there.”
“Wow, this is great.” He took the bundle and closed the door for her with his elbow. “Thanks, Chelsea.”
“It’s the least I can do for the guy who had my car fixed.” She locked the door, keeping her back firmly turned to him. No need to let him see how hard this was, knowing she loved him. And knowing if she looked at him she couldn’t miss the gentle caring in his gaze. She gave the key a firm turn. “It’s a starter pack. Kitten food, kitten treats, toys, two fleece cat blankets, two food dishes, which are pink so I thought Macie would like them, and a little litter box with a bag of starter litter. Everything you need.”
“This looks like more than the average starter pack.”
“Blame Meg and Johanna. It’s their fault.” Not that she wasn’t responsible too, but she didn’t want to add that.
“Tell them thanks from me.” He adjusted his longer stride, keeping at her side. “Are you sure you’re all right?”
Ignore the caring notes in his voice, she thought, steeling her spine. She could do this. She could try not to care so much for him. “I’m good, just got a lot on my mind. It’s a busy week with work, ensemble practice and after—”
“—bagging grocery sacks for the needy in our congregation,” he finished amiably, as if they didn’t just breathe in synchrony, but thought alike. “I’m looking forward to that. I’ve always written a check for Steve and brought canned foods to service whenever it was asked, but it feels great to be a part of this.”
“I can’t argue.” See? she thought. This wasn’t terribly hard. As long as she kept her eyes on the ground and her heart closed up like a wrapped present before Christmas, she was good.
She stepped onto the curb. “Do you have all your shopping done?”
“Nearly, just a few things left to do. Hitting the pet store is one of them.” He held the door for her.
“So the basket came just in time?”
“Something like that.”
“The vet clinic’s number is in the basket. You might want to put it in your cell. Johanna and Meg both said they’d be happy to answer any questions. The two of them love to give out advice.” She sailed down the hallway. The agony was almost over now. She only had to hold it together a little bit longer. Keep it light and friendly. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but you don’t look like the kind of man who knows how to pick out a kitty condo.”
“You’d be right about that. Do kitty condos come in pink?”
“No idea.” Don’t laugh, don’t look at him, she thought firmly, fighting with everything she had. She hesitated by the break room door. Time to make her escape.
“Are you coming in?” Michael’s hand landed on her shoulder. She could feel his gaze search her face as tangible as a touch.
“No, I’ve got a to-do list two miles long.” It was nothing but the truth. “I’d better get started on it.”
“Sure.” His fingers gently squeezed, a show of encouragement. “I know how it is.”
He really was a nice man, a good man. Don’t let that sway you, Chelsea. She offered him a shrug, gave a little finger flutter and walked on wooden legs down the hallway. She couldn’t feel her feet. She couldn’t feel anything as she stumbled into her office. When she glanced back, he’d already disappeared inside the break room. She felt bereft without him, which was, well, ridiculous. Proof that her feelings were way out of proportion. Too much, too fast. That could only spell trouble.
Stick to your plan, Chelsea, she told herself, dropping into her chair. She turned on her desktop computer to check her schedule for the day. While it powered up, she spotted the corner of a manila envelope sticking out of her bag. She opened the flap and pulled out the old photograph of her family, the one she and Johanna had found in the attic.
“Here, thought you could use this.” Michael strolled into her office, apparently she’d forgotten to close the door all the way. He set a cup on her desk. “I put in two sugars. I noticed that’s the way you take it.”
“Wow, thanks.” She forgot not to look at him. He wore a white shirt, a deep red tie with Christmas trees on it and gray slacks.
He was the kind of man who wore a Christmas tie. She didn’t know why that rock
ed her. Maybe she had better make a list of all the reasons he was wrong for her. Number one— Okay, she couldn’t think of a reason but there had to be dozens of them.
“That’s some picture.” He leaned close. Too close. Maybe that was the reason she couldn’t think. “You were cute.”
“Is it me, or do you sound a little surprised?”
“I’m not. You look a lot like your mom.”
Why did he have to say the one thing that would try and lasso her heart? “I think we all take after Mom. Sara Beth has her eyes, Johanna has her smile, Meg has her grace. We’re going to get this blown up and framed for Dad’s Christmas present. I’m taking it to the photo shop today and I’ll beg them to get it done in time.”
“I hope they can. He’ll love it.” Michael leaned back on his heels, the cup in his hand steaming. His phone chimed and he bowed his head to read the screen, his sandy hair falling in a shock over his forehead. “Guess that’s the starting bell on my workday. I’m expecting the rest of Kelsey’s lab results. I’d better take care of this.”
“Right. Thanks for the coffee.”
“No problem.” He strode down the hall, whistling “Jingle Bells.”
* * *
“Dr. Mike!” Howie Lansing grinned from his wheelchair tucked in the corner of his hospital room. “I’m goin’ home.”
“Yes, you are.” Michael stepped through the doorway. “You’re doing great, kid. We don’t want you around here anymore.”
“I don’t wanna be here!” The boy grinned wide, fidgeting with eagerness. “Do you know what’s the first thing I’m gonnna do? Pet my dog.”
“What’s the second thing you’re gonna do?”
“Mom’s gonna make pizza for lunch and I’m gonna eat it.”
“Sounds like an excellent plan to me. What about you, Nora?”
“First off, I’m going to pray to God in gratitude.” Nora’s happy smile said it all. She gave the duffle she was packing a zip, her work done. “Then I’m going to make pepperoni pizza.”
“Important stuff. We’d better get you out of here, fast.” No orderly was around, so he seized the handles of Howie’s wheelchair. “Let’s get you home, kid.”
“Okay.” Howie started whistling “Jingle Bells” quite badly, but he wasn’t the only one whistling.
I’m whistling “Jingle Bells,” Michael realized, a little surprised.
“I can get that, Dr. Kramer.” One of the orderlies rushed to take over.
“Thanks, Leo.” Michael ruffled Howie’s hair. “You have a merry Christmas. When I see you back for your checkup, you bring lots of pictures. I want to see what you got under the tree, okay?”
“Okay, and pictures of my dog, too.” Howie waved as the orderly pushed him down the hall toward the elevator bank.
“Thank you.” Nora squeezed his hand. “There aren’t enough words.”
“Just take care of him. No matter what, you call if you have even one question.” Michael meant it. Howie was cancer-free, his prognosis was excellent. He planned to keep him that way.
Nora nodded, too choked up to speak further. She hurried down the hall, the elevator dinged and the doors opened. A tall man stepped out, knelt down and hugged Howie. Howie hugged his father back, Nora hugged her husband and the Lansing family headed off happy together.
His cell chimed, garnering his attention. He waded down the busy corridor and read the text from his mom. Come for supper tonight. I’m making your favorite.
Ok, he tapped in, hit Send and walked into Kelsey’s room. Her color looked better, she was munching on a fast-food taco and fries while hooked up to an IV.
“I hear someone will be able to go home for Christmas.” He slipped his phone into his coat pocket. “I wonder who?”
“Me.” Happiness lit her up. “Mom told me. It wasn’t as bad as they thought. I prayed really hard.”
“I did, too.” He turned toward the family surrounding her. Mom, Dad and Grandma rose to their feet, abandoning their meals, concern marking their faces. “We need to rerun some tests, but it’s nothing to worry about. I just need to confirm a few things.”
“So it’s still definite she’ll be able to come home on Friday?” Kate gripped her hands until her knuckles turned white.
“That’s the plan.” He didn’t want to say anything more because as good as the lab workers were, sometimes mix-ups happened. This was the kind of news he had to be sure of before he shared it. “You keep feeling better, Kelsey. You’re doing an awesome job.”
“It’s cuz I pray.” She bit into a fry, her bunny tucked in the crook of her arm.
He spent time answering parental concerns, reassuring them, and headed out, his rounds done. Nurses smiled at him as he strode by their station. Guess he was whistling again. It was easy to guess why, so he stopped.
He took the elevator to the first floor and wound his way to the small chapel, where candles danced and silence reigned. His movements echoed in the sanctuary as he settled onto one of the small pews. He’d spent so much time here, he couldn’t count the number of children he’d prayed for. He went to bow his head to do so again, this time for Kelsey’s sake, but the faint scent of strawberries and vanilla stopped him.
“Michael.” Chelsea swept up the aisle, more striking than ever with her hair down and tumbling over her shoulders. She looked Christmassy in a green sweater and black slacks. Her boots whispered to a stop beside him. “I didn’t know you were here.”
“Just about to head back to the office.” He had to fight the need to move closer to her. He stayed firmly on the cushioned bench. “The real question is what are you doing at the hospital?”
“It was a quiet morning, so Susan and I snuck out. We’re rounding up the pledge checks from local businesses. Before she left, Steve’s wife managed to wrangle a lot of money, which is great, so there’s a lot of picking up to do.” She shook her head. Maybe she was sounding a little too cheerful. She was trying too hard. “We stopped for lunch at the taco place two blocks away, I texted Kelsey’s mom and brought them lunch.”
“So that explained the tacos in the room.”
“I remember what it was like when Mom was sick. So many of our friends and neighbors went out of their way to help. Just little things, but it made a huge difference. Guess this is my way of paying back. I help where I can.” She fastened her gaze on the toes of her boots, just like she’d done this morning, avoiding him, putting distance between them.
Good idea. He truly cared for her. There was no way around it. “Sit down, we need to talk.”
“Right. I can’t argue with that. Maybe clearing the air is better than trying not to make eye contact.” She set her bag on the floor and eased beside him. “You start.”
“Sure, make me do the hard work,” he quipped.
“Hey, it was your suggestion to talk, so you talk.”
“Okay.” He steeled his spine and prayed for the right words. This wasn’t going to be easy, but it helped to know this was hard for her, too. “We had a good time together yesterday.”
“We did.” She stared fixedly at the pew back in front of her. “We get along so easily.”
“Like breathing.” He stared at the pew back, too. “Things between us feel like they have changed.”
“Are you panicking, too?” She nearly whispered the words, and he understood. This wasn’t easy for her. Once again, they were alike, the same in this.
That made it easier to open up. “A little panic, but mostly I’m not ready for this.”
“Me, either.” She whipped toward him, relief stark on her sweetheart’s face. “I’m so relieved. Whew. I mean, you’re great, Michael.”
“You’re greater.” He liked that she smiled, that she sagged against the seat back, that he’d been able to erase the tension between them. They were both peopl
e of science. They could be logical about this. “I admit it. I really care for you, but I’m nowhere near ready for anything more than friendship.”
“Exactly. I have my work, in case you haven’t noticed I’m really focused on my work.”
“You’re preaching to the choir.” They smiled together, two peas in a pod, more alike than he’d ever realized. “Relationships scare me.”
“No kidding.” No more hesitancy, no more distance, she pinned him with the dazzling force of her gaze. “I just finished my residency, I’ve got a lot to learn as a new doctor, and the school debt. That’s a whole other consideration.”
“Been there, done that.” He rubbed a hand against the back of his neck. “After I lost Diana suddenly, one moment she was driving to get groceries, the next she’d slid on a patch of ice, I decided never to do a relationship again. I’d raise Macie on my own, practice medicine and that would be my life.”
“The loss was too great?” she asked, the only one who could make him open up. Talking to her was as easy as breathing.
“Diana and I married young, and as time passed we grew into two very different people. People who wanted different things from life. She never understood my work, and I never want to feel as if I’ve disappointed anyone like that again.”
“That had to be hard.” Chelsea turned thoughtful. “Your work is serious and your patients need you. It takes commitment to do what you do, at least the way you do it.”
“I want to do it the right way.” He didn’t have to explain it to her. “I guess we’re alike that way.”
“We are.”
“I want to be honest with you.” Concern dug deep in his chiseled features. “I don’t ever want to hurt you, Chelsea.”
“You aren’t. Worrying about this was hurting me. I do care about you.” She hoped the dip in her tone didn’t betray exactly how close he’d become to her heart. “Yesterday was wonderful, but I just—”
“I know,” he finished her sentence for her. “We don’t want to ruin our working relationship.”