“Okay….”
He turned and left.
Ann stood there for the longest time. Her need for him was so real that she felt tears form in her eyes. Turning, she sobbed and moved into the hut. Sitting down at the table, she buried her face in her hands and began to cry in earnest.
Chapter 12
“Grandmother Alaria…” Ann called out as she entered the elder’s hut.
“Ah, my child, how are you this morning?” She turned slowly, a bowl of bread dough in her floured hands, her eyes crinkled with pleasure beneath her thin, arched gray brows.
Ann clasped her hands nervously. “I’ve made my decision.” She glanced out the window at the clouds beginning to withdraw across the meadow, the sunlight revealing the brilliant colors of the flowers among the knee-high grass.
“I can see that you have.” She set the bowl aside. “You are looking for Michael?”
In the last four days, Ann had grown accustomed to Grandmother Alaria’s ability to read her mind. At first it had scared her, but during their frequent long talks, Ann had realized the elder would never take advantage of such knowledge. Now the old woman’s ability simply reminded Ann that this world was foreign to her and that she needed to suspend her own beliefs. And, because everyone here was like Alaria, it was Ann who felt this great cosmic joke was on her.
“I—yes. Have you seen him?” Ann had seen Houston only twice, and then only fleetingly. Since he’d left her alone at the hut, which stood on the eastern edge of the village, he seemed to have almost disappeared. Around here, that wouldn’t surprise her.
Alaria gently patted her shoulder. “Why, I saw him just a few minutes ago.” She pointed a bony finger toward a well-used trail that led down into the jungle near the village. “I think he was taking Sasha, his guardian, to the waterfalls to bathe her. She dearly loves her playtime with him. It’s rare she gets it, so Michael is taking advantage of that time here with her.”
“Sasha…that’s a Russian name, isn’t it?”
Alaria smiled kindly, her eyes twinkling. “Wasn’t it you who said this was a village of the United Nations?”
Nodding, Ann slid her hand into Alaria’s. The woman felt so old and fragile, yet so timeless. She was beloved by everyone here. And now Ann knew why. Something—a small voice within her heart—had urged her to see Alaria and Adaire after Mike left the hut, to ask them the questions that burned through her. She had needed answers. A lot of them. They’d willingly complied. Ann had lost count of the hours she’d spent in their warm, generous company over the last four days.
Releasing Alaria’s hand, Ann stepped away. This morning she had awakened early after a deep, healing night’s sleep, and had bathed in the hot springs behind the hut. Moyra had brought her a pale pink cotton blouse with short sleeves. Ann loved the tiny bits of lace around the throat and the pearl buttons down the front of the blouse. Nervously, she wiped her damp hands against the white cotton skirt that fell to her ankles.
“Grandmother, I have just one more question.”
“Hmm? Yes?”
“I’m sure you already know what it is.” She laughed a little out of nervousness. Here in the village, she’d observed, few people spoke because they were in constant telepathic communication with one another. Grandmother Alaria had hushed her worries that everyone could read her thoughts by explaining that in the Sisterhood of Light, it was part of the Jaguar Clan code never to enter another’s space on any level without his or her conscious permission. Alaria had revealed to Ann the sensation of someone connecting with her thoughts. Once Ann recognized it, she was able to identify the brief, feathery touch. Because Ann always granted both Alaria and Adaire permission to enter her mind, neither elder spoke to her verbally very often. They usually answered her mentally. She, on the other hand, had no capacity for such a skill and had to use her voice to communicate with them.
“You carry Michael’s blood in your veins now,” Alaria confirmed. “And you wonder what that means. Are you one of us? One of the outsiders? Or neither? Or both?”
Ann moistened her lips and held Alaria’s forest green gaze. “Yes…I wondered.”
Picking up the dough, Alaria said, “Until recently, there was no way to share our blood with another. Michael is one of the first of our clan to have made the decision to do this. It is not against our code to do so, but heavy responsibility falls on the shoulders of the clan member who initiates such a process.”
“Ever since that transfusion took place, I feel different, Grandmother. It’s a little scary. Maybe it’s this place…my imagination…. I don’t know.”
“What is different?” Alaria inquired kindly, plumping the dough on the table.
“I feel things more…more easily, I guess. And I can feel people’s emotions and thoughts from time to time.”
“And does that bother you?”
“Yes and no. Is that how it is with all of you?”
She chuckled. “Oh, yes, my daughter. It is not something we can turn off or on like a faucet. Like the jaguar, we sense and receive impressions that are so subtle that most humans would never be aware of them. But we are, at times, excruciatingly aware of them. All of them.”
Ann shook her head. “It must be very painful to live among us.”
“If your heart is in the right place—if you stand in balance with yourself—that is all the protection you need, my child. When you have compassion, it does affect how you respond to others, but it does not hurt you. Only if you are out of harmony will it tear you apart internally.”
Ann hesitated for an instant. “I am different now? Changed?” she finally asked, waiting anxiously for Alaria’s response.
“You are, let us say, in the midst of a great change.” Chuckling, she pointed upward as a monarch butterfly with huge orange-and-black wings fluttered past the window of the hut. “Like the butterfly which waits within the cocoon until its time is ripe, your gifts will, over time, be revealed to you. But how you will utilize them remains unknown at the present. Michael’s blood has mixed with your own. It is a gift of love, my child. Nothing bad will come of it. Later, you may want to return to the village for further training in the arts of the clan. That choice is up to you, though. There will never be pressure on you to develop your abilities or to come here to train. There is no coercion in the Sisterhood of Light. Not ever. Everything is always free choice.”
Ann nodded. “Thank you, Grandmother.” Now she understood that because of Mike’s blood being transfused into her veins, she was considered a member of the clan as well. And she was the first person ever, according to Grandmother Alaria, to be permitted here without genetic ancestry. Ann had found out earlier from Alaria that clan members choosing to violate the laws of the Sisterhood of Light were no longer welcomed back into the village; and if they came without invitation, their rebel-like energy could destroy everything the clan had painstakingly built here over the centuries. Now Ann began to understand that her being here was a special privilege, granted because of Mike’s actions. Otherwise, he would not have been able to bring her to the Village of the Clouds at all. That was the code. No one without Jaguar Clan ancestry could come and seek safety here.
“Go see him,” Alaria coaxed softly as she kneaded the dough.
“Yes,” Ann whispered. “Thank you, Grandmother.” She saw the old woman nod, her eyes sparkling as she embraced Ann with feelings of love. Ann left the hut and headed down a well-worn dirt path through the village. Moyra had been showing her the many paths, the stream, and just yesterday she had shown her the rainbow waterfall, which had made Ann gasp with delight and awe. It, too, was otherworldly, more like an artist’s rendering of some far-off place. And it, too, was real, for she had dipped her fingers into the warm, healing waters to see if it was. Her left brain, her mental faculties, were always questioning, testing and asking why. Of course, here that question was never asked. The Jaguar Clan members had no such need; they simply accepted. She could not do that, however—at least not yet—an
d perhaps she never would.
Her heart pounded with fear and she forced herself to walk briskly even though she wanted to drag her feet. Mike had suffered long enough, and she knew these past four days had been hell on him as much as they had been on her.
The jungle enveloped her, and as she hurried down the sloped path, bushes and vines swatting gently at her legs, Ann prayed for the right words. She prayed for courage. She was so scared.
The path opened up. In front of her was the hundred-foot waterfall. In the morning sunlight the mist rising from around the tumbling water created a vibrant, colorful rainbow across the large, dark pool at the bottom. She searched for Mike and his jaguar guardian. There! Trying to compose herself, Ann forced herself to rehearse what she was going to say to him. Would he understand?
Mike was standing in ankle-deep water. In front of him, lying down in the water, was the huge female jaguar that Alaria had called Sasha. The cat was powerful, with thick, stocky legs and a broad, massive head. Her coat glowed gold, with black crescents over it. Ann swallowed hard as she realized Mike was stripped to the waist, and that the loose cotton pants he wore clung to his lower body emphasizing his powerful thighs. He and his guardian had obviously just been swimming in the deeper part moments before her arrival. His hair gleamed with rivulets of water. When her gaze fell upon his left shoulder, on the mark of the jaguar, Ann felt fear knotting her stomach once again. She was frightened as never before in her life.
Houston sensed Ann’s approach. He forced himself to continue to sluice handfuls of water across Sasha’s broad, strong back, though his heart was focused on Ann’s presence. What had she decided? Mike had not allowed himself to invade her emotional field or her mind while they’d been apart. To have done so was against the highest code of personal ethics in the Sisterhood of Light. He respected Ann too much to breach that code even if the woman he ached for might tell him goodbye.
Slowly straightening, he turned around and met her shadowed, wary gaze. She stood near the bank, her hands clasped nervously in front of her. The soft breeze caressed her loose hair and the sunlight made strands of it come alive with red and gold highlights. He met her gaze and managed a tender smile of welcome. Sasha slowly rose and stood at his left side, her body touching his leg.
“She’s so beautiful,” Ann murmured, gesturing to the jaguar, which stood gazing up at her.
“What I’m looking at is beautiful to me,” he said huskily. There was no more than six feet between them, but there might as well be a chasm. He saw a flush creep into her cheeks, but she avoided his eyes looking around the clearing instead.
“I need to talk to you, Mike. Can we sit down here?”
He nodded, feeling like a man before a jury as the judge was about to read the verdict. To him, it was either going to be a death sentence or a new life. And if it was a new life, what kind of life would it be? Did he really want to put Ann in danger by sharing his life with her? How selfish was he, really? Selfish enough to condemn her to death at Escovar’s hands, sooner or later? A bitter taste coated his mouth. He reached down and slid his hand across Sasha’s broad, sleek skull. Mentally, he asked her to leave them for a while. The jaguar moved sensuously out of the water and trotted up the trail that led back to the village.
Ann sat down, tucking her legs beneath her and smoothing the cotton skirt over them nervously. Mike sat down no more than two feet away from her, his legs crossed. The sunlight bathed him and he looked so strong and powerful compared to how weak and frightened she felt. Ann saw the ravages, the toll that waiting had taken on him. There were dark rings beneath his eyes and the slashes on either side of his mouth were deeper than usual, as if he were trying to protect himself from bad news. She realized he probably hadn’t slept much at all.
Opening her hands, she forced herself to say, “I’m scared, Mike. More scared than I’ve ever been in my life.” She closed her eyes because she couldn’t stand the gentleness that came to his expression as she spoke. “You are so heroic, in my opinion. And I’m such a coward. You knew the risks you were taking when you brought me here. You could have left me in that apartment. You could have left me anywhere between Lima and this village.” Ann opened her eyes and clung to what little courage she had. “You didn’t have to risk your life to come into Lima, either, when I got ill.” Her hands fluttered in the air. “And most of all, you didn’t have to risk your life to save mine. On top of it all, you gave me blood. Your blood.”
Hot tears stung her lids. Ann looked up and willed them back. “I must have cried buckets in the last four days. More than I’ve ever cried in my life. And then I realized why. Something happened to me a long time ago. It was something I tried to forget. Something I wanted to forget. But now, more than ever, I realized that pushing it away, trying not to feel the pain it created in me, was staining my life in every possible way.”
The tears wouldn’t stop and Ann sniffed. She saw the anguish in Mike’s features as she rattled on, speaking in hoarse undertones. It was so hard to look him in the eye. So hard. Ann knew she’d been a coward all her life and now was the time to meet Mike with the level of courage he’d shown her. “I know this sounds disjointed. I’ve done a lot of thinking about it. I cried so much my head ached, but the deeper I got into my emotions, the more I realized what was really going on inside me.”
Mike forced himself to remain very still, his hands resting on his knees. How badly he wanted to reach out and touch Ann, to soothe away some of the fear he heard in her voice and felt around her. “What did you discover?” he asked her quietly.
Ann shut her eyes tightly and gripped her hands in her lap. “When I was in the Air Force, working as a flight surgeon, I was both a psychiatrist and medical doctor, helping pilots work through their fears after a crash so they could fly once again. But the military is a hard place for women. I loved flying and I liked the pilots, but I began to feel very vulnerable because of the way the men often harassed the women. It got so I feared men—the looks, the catcalls, the innuendos, the subtle and not-so-subtle ways they wanted to control me or any other woman who was in the military.
“I became so wary of men, of what they could do to me, that I put up strong walls to protect myself from them. I know behind my back they called me the Ice Queen but I didn’t—couldn’t—care. I lived inside my head. My world as a doctor was safe because I could weigh, measure, prove and see the different aspects of it with my own eyes. Science became my wall of protection. By remaining there all the time, I could survive.” She sighed raggedly. “And I did survive very well within that reality, Mike.”
Opening her hands, she said, “Then I met Casey Cameron and I found myself beginning to love him little by little…. He worked hard to gain my trust.” Some of the anguish began to leave the region of her heart and Ann knew it was due to Mike’s warm, quieting presence. She ran her hand across his strong, firm arm. “Just as I was ready to trust, Casey died in a jet crash. He was torn from me. I stood there thinking that no matter what I touched or tried to love, it died. And then I had a disastrous affair a year after Casey died. Captain Robert Crane…”
Ann squeezed her eyes shut. “I was so horribly lonely after Casey died…. I had grown used to having him in my safe little life. Casey had accepted my world of logic and science. He didn’t try to change it or me.” Opening her eyes, her voice hoarse, she met and held Mike’s compassionate gaze. “Crane was a manipulative bastard. He had seen me and Casey together. He knew the score, and like a predatory animal, he waited until I was at my most vulnerable and stepped into my life. He had all the right moves, the right words, the right everything. He took my reality and twisted it, used it against me. I’m ashamed to say I fell for it and him—completely.”
Houston took a deep, raw breath. “He got you on the rebound, Ann.”
Quirking her lips, she nodded, too ashamed to meet his gaze. His voice, though, was like a healing balm to her pain. “You could say that.”
“The son of a bitch…”
/> With a helpless shrug, she whispered, “At the time, Morgan Trayhern contacted me and asked if I’d like a challenging position as part of his rescue operation. I leaped at the offer, because to stay in the Air Force would have reminded me too much of Casey—of what might have been with him—and I could no longer cope with the memories. Morgan’s offer got me out of the mess with Crane, too. I just didn’t have the guts to face him down and tell him what I really felt. That’s one thing I’ve left undone. Morgan provided me an escape, an opportunity to move back into the safe little world of the mind. I could still do the job I loved and feel safe from my heart and feelings.” She forced herself to look up at him. “Until you crashed into my life, that is…”
He managed a sour smile in return. “There’s nothing safe about me, is there?” And he realized more than ever how many changes and demands she’d encountered since being with him. And yet, miraculously, she was still here, with him. Houston felt the powerful connection between them. Would Ann be able to reach out and trust him based upon that? Was she willing to leave her safe little world forever for him? For a life that promised her only danger in the long run?
“Last night, Mike, I finally got it. I got the answer I needed about us.” Ann eased away from him and, twisting around, she held his somber gaze. “Your life has been just as rough as mine. People you loved were torn from you, too. The difference between us is that you didn’t let your fear of losing me stop you from reaching out….”
Risking everything, he rasped, “It hasn’t been easy, Ann. My heart wanted to reach out to you. But my head, my experiences, told me I had no right to even try. All I could offer you besides my…love…was the threat of Escovar killing you.”
Her heart bounded with joy and dread. Mike had finally used the word love. She understood clearly why he had hesitated in using it with her and she knew now that he loved her enough to want to protect her from himself, from his dangerous way of living. She, too, had been afraid to use the word—but for different reasons.
Morgan’s Mercenaries: Heart of the Jaguar Page 23