The only way I knew to make her feel my love was to use my hands, my lips, my body to show her I was there. I was always going to be there.
A small sigh left Charlie’s lips when we made it to our bedroom, and she pulled all the rings from her fingers, save for the one I’d given her the night I proposed at her parents’ house. She unclasped her pearls next, and as she set them on her vanity and made to move for her zipper, I slid up behind her.
“Let me,” I breathed, and my fingers covered hers momentarily before she conceded, letting me undress her.
I took my time, sweeping her hair away from where it had fallen back and pulling the zipper down slowly. Charlie stiffened when my fingers grazed her lower back under the fabric, and I swallowed, just the sight of her skin eliciting that same carnal reaction in me that it always had.
Chills raced down her back next as my hands moved up and over her shoulders, sliding the straps of her dress down, and when she let her arms rest at her side, the entire dress fell into a puddle of silk on the floor.
She hadn’t worn a bra, and I let my fingertips trail leisurely over her shoulders and across her thin collarbone before they dipped just a little lower, grazing the small swell of her breasts. We were standing in front of the same vanity mirror I’d watched her get ready in before dinner, and my eyes found her in the reflection just as she closed hers.
She was still stiff under my touch, but I took my time warming her up, stepping closer as my lips found the back of her neck. I kissed her gently at first, my lips tender and feather-light against her skin, but when her lips parted, a sigh leaving the space they left, I palmed her breasts in my hands and softly bit her neck.
Charlie arched her back, leaning into my touch, and the reaction I had to that movement, to that sigh, was automatic. I hardened instantly, pressing that arousal into her backside to let her feel me. She gasped again, but then she leaned away.
“Cam…”
I spun her, hand finding the back of her neck and pulling her mouth to mine before she could say another word. My lips devoured hers greedily, tongue sweeping in to claim her as my hands tightened around her waist. The way she fit there in my arms, the way her mouth moved with mine, it was like the sweetest, most familiar dance. We both knew the music well, and it sang straight to our hearts, bringing us back together, if for only that small moment.
My hands swept up into her hair, tugging gently, just enough to make her head drop back and allow me better access to her mouth. I kissed down her jaw, up to the lobe of her ear, across her neck, her collarbone, before crawling my way back up to her lips once more.
She was fighting it, fighting me, but the more I kissed her, the more she melted.
Yes, I thought, come back to me.
I pleaded with her to do just that with every touch, every kiss, every moan. Steadily, carefully, I wrapped my arms around her until I could lift her, carrying her to our bed. She hit the comforter with a soft whoosh, her legs spread for me, and I slid between them with my lips still fused to hers.
When my left hand slipped between us, trailing down until I felt the wetness of her core on my fingers, she sighed. I plunged one finger inside her, soft but deep, and her hand shot out to wrap around my wrist.
“Please…”
Her request fueled my fire, and I slid another finger inside her, growling against her neck.
But she shook her head, gripping my wrist harder.
“Please, Cameron,” she said again, this time waiting until my eyes met hers. “I’m tired.”
And with those two words, my blood ran cold, draining the heat from me in a slow, torturous current.
I still held her there, my fingers inside her, my eyes searching hers for what those words truly meant. It was the first time Charlie had ever rejected me, the first time I’d ever known the feeling, and I realized then how badly I must have hurt her all those nights I’d pushed her away.
But it was only because I didn’t know how to touch her, anymore. Not after what happened.
Not after I filled her with love, love that became our babies, babies that were never born.
Slowly, carefully, I withdrew my fingers, wrapping her in my arms as I watched her.
“Okay,” I said after a moment.
“I’m sorry.”
Her cheeks tinged pink, her eyes falling to my chest, but I just shook my head.
“It’s okay, sweetheart.”
Say something, I urged myself. Tell her you love her. Tell her why you love her. Tell her everything she means to you. Tell her you’ve been hurting, too. Tell her the truth about what she thinks she knows. Tell her it’s killing you that she’s in your arms thinking about him.
But the words wouldn’t come.
Charlie forced a small smile, one that fell quickly as she lifted to plant a quick kiss on my lips. Then, she rolled out from under me, grabbing a nightgown from her top dresser drawer and disappearing into the bathroom.
I wasn’t sure how long I laid there, but it was long after Charlie had come back from the bathroom, long after she’d turned down the lights, and long after her breaths had steadied out as she fell asleep. I was still there in that same spot, fully dressed, and it felt like the first time I’d blinked in hours when I finally came to around midnight.
The thoughts that swirled in my head during that time were like the nastiest tornado, sweeping me up at the granular level before funneling me up into the catastrophic tunnel above. I thought of the time I had left, the time I’d wasted, the woman I loved, the woman who didn’t just love me anymore. Up and up I went, further into the storm, each thought worse than the one before it as I let the worst-case scenarios play out in front of me.
I could try as hard as I could, and still lose her.
I could lose her to him.
And the worst part was that I felt helpless, like even though I’d asked for time to bring her back to me, there was no possible way to do it. How could I make her stay when I couldn’t open my mouth and give her the reasons, when I couldn’t tell her all the things she needed to hear?
I climbed out of bed quietly, careful not to wake Charlie as I changed into sweatpants and a t-shirt and made my way downstairs. I slipped into my office after making a cup of tea, and the steam was the only thing that warmed me as I pulled up the search engine window on my computer.
If I was to lose Charlie, I’d be damned if I’d do it still holding onto words I needed to say, to truths that could possibly make her stay.
So, for the first time in my life, I buried my pride and faced my fear.
I booked an appointment with a therapist.
Reese
A week and a half after the disastrous night at The Kinky Starfish, I drank coffee at my kitchen island while Blake packed up her things for the weekend.
“I’ll be back Sunday afternoon,” she assured me again, stuffing her tablet into her backpack. “Call me if you need me to get anything on my way home.”
Home. I hated that she called my house that.
“I will.”
“Are you sure you can’t come with me?” she asked again, pulling her long blonde hair over her shoulder as she assessed her bags.
“Sorry, I’ve got a couple of tutoring sessions tomorrow afternoon,” I lied.
The truth was, I’d cleared my schedule for the weekend in hopes I could steal Charlie away. It had been nine long days and nights since we’d fought, since she’d found out about Blake, and I was so desperate to get her alone I was ready to lock her in the janitor’s closet at school.
She’d barely said two words to me since that night, and it was slowly killing me from the inside out. I had no idea what Cameron was doing when he had her alone, but I knew it wasn’t anything working in my favor.
Charlie and I had had the most perfect weekend together. We’d figured everything out. She’d finally admitted that she loved me, and we were going to be together. We just were. It didn’t even scare me that Cameron wanted two months — not really — bec
ause I knew there was nothing he could say or do that could erase how Charlie felt for me.
At least, I hoped.
But then, everything went up in flames the night of the dinner. Blake had thrown the biggest, ugliest wrench in our plan to be together, and now everything I’d built was in danger of crashing to the cold, hard ground below.
Charlie was right — why should she believe me when I’d kept the biggest secret of all from her? Why should she trust me with her heart any more than she trusted Cameron?
The more the days dragged on without her feeling that connection from me, the more time Charlie spent with Cameron and away from me, the more worried I became. And I realized that it wasn’t just two months for Cameron, it was two months for me, too — to make that rocky foundation we’d started on a more sound and solid one, one she could depend on.
I loved Charlie, I needed her, and I missed her.
I wondered if she missed me, too.
With Blake going out of town for the weekend, I finally had a chance to see Charlie — to have a night with just her and me. I didn’t plan to waste that opportunity.
“Okay,” Blake said, and with a sigh, she rounded the kitchen island until she was standing in front of my barstool.
She wrapped her arms around my neck, finding my eyes with hers.
“I guess I’m all ready to go then…” She swallowed, her voice lowering to a whisper as vulnerability slipped over her. “I’m scared.”
At that, my heart cracked.
I pulled Blake into me, smoothing her hair with one hand as I hugged her close with the other.
The night after the Reids came to watch me play at the restaurant, Blake had finally told me the reason she’d come into town — the real reason.
Her father had fainted at work, and when he’d been admitted to the hospital, they’d found a tumor on his brain.
Blake didn’t seem to know much about what was going on, other than there was a hospital in Pittsburgh that specialized in the specific kind of issues her father was facing.
So, when he’d flown out to check into that hospital, she’d flown out to stay with me.
She’d told me that the very same night I’d planned to tell her to leave.
It’d been impossible then.
She’d broken down in my arms, so scared to lose her father, and here I was the same man she’d helped survive the loss of his father — and entire family — just three years ago. There were too many nights where Blake had peeled me off my bathroom floor and out of my whiskey-stained clothes, putting me to bed and holding me while I cried. She’d seen more of me in those few months of grieving than most people had in my entire life.
I remembered one night waking up, not remembering how I got home, how I got to bed, and there she was. She was sleeping right next to me, still completely dressed, and she was holding me. Her legs wrapped around mine, her hand on my chest, her hair sweeping up and over my own pillow.
And in that moment, I remember being overwhelmed with gratitude that she hadn’t left me alone. Everyone else had. Everyone else had moved on with their lives after they sent me flowers or brought me casseroles. But not Blake. She stayed.
And the simple truth was that Blake needed me now, and I would be there for her.
I knew, eventually, I’d have to tell her about Charlie. I’d have to clear up what Blake and I were — and what we weren’t. But with Charlie giving Cameron his two-month time-frame, I didn’t feel the need to rush that. For now, I could be Blake’s friend.
I owed her that.
“It’s going to be okay,” I told her, holding her a little tighter. “They’ve been running tests and I bet you’ll all get good news tomorrow. There’s a reason they moved him here, right? To these specialists?”
Blake just shrugged in my arms.
“It’s because they know what they’re doing. He’s in good hands, just trust that.”
She pulled back, sniffling a little as she nodded. “You’re right. I just don’t know what I’ll do if… if…”
“Don’t think like that,” I said, cutting her sentence short. “Positive vibes, okay?”
“Okay.”
Blake smiled at me, her blue eyes still glossed with unshed tears.
“Thank you for being here for me,” she said. “I don’t know how I would do this without you.”
I swallowed, guilt simmering low in my gut as I squeezed her hand in mine. “You could, but I wouldn’t let you.”
Her smile grew at that, and she leaned in, pressing her lips to mine before I had the chance to stop her.
I’d been careful with my actions around her, steering clear of any kind of affection that went past friendship. Every now and then she’d steal a kiss, but I’d always end it early, and I did the same on that Friday morning.
“I better get going,” I said, pulling back with my hands on her arms, but Blake pressed into my space more.
Her lips latched onto mine, her tongue sweeping inside my mouth as she gripped me hard over my dress slacks. And it didn’t matter that all I could think about was Charlie, or that it was her I wanted to rush to that morning — when Blake touched me like that, my body responded.
“Blake,” I warned, grabbing her arms a bit harder to push her back. “I really need to go.”
“Please, Reese,” she begged when her eyes found mine again. They were still shiny and wet, her face twisting with the pain from the trip she had to make into the city. “I need this. I need you. Please.”
I closed my eyes tight as her hand ran the length of my hard-on again, her little body rolling into mine as she kissed my neck.
“Not right now,” I tried, my hand stopping hers from where it was undoing my zipper.
“Why not?” Blake searched my eyes. “You haven’t touched me since I’ve been here. Do you not want me, anymore?”
“It’s not that,” I breathed. “It’s just…”
“What?” she probed, and her hand was already working under mine again. “Please, just let me make you feel good. I need to feel good, too. Just for a little bit. Please, Reese. Please.”
“Jesus Christ,” I cursed as she wiggled her hand under my pants and over my briefs below. I gritted my teeth, trying to find a way to get her to stop, but unless I told her the truth, I had nothing.
And I couldn’t break her heart. Not yet. Not today.
So, I relented, dropping my grip on her wrist and letting her take what she wanted.
I let Blake fuck me as I sat on that barstool, working herself to a release in my lap that would take away whatever pain she was feeling. I hated myself so much as I drove myself to school afterward that I considered taking my car right off the bridge.
Because I’d taken Blake’s pain, but I’d also given more to Charlie, in return.
She would hate me when she found out, and she would find out — I’d tell her that day. I had to. I owed her that honesty, and that respect.
Once I explained, she’d understand. Once I got her alone, she’d feel me again. Once I had her again, I’d never let her go.
I just needed one night.
I couldn’t get Charlie alone until after the last bell rang that Friday.
I tried before school, but I’d been too late, and she was nowhere to be found at lunch, either. I wasn’t surprised, not after a week and a half of her avoiding me. She was pissed, and she had the right to be.
But I would change that this weekend.
I rapped on the doorframe of her classroom once the car pool was clear, watching as she tidied up the tables.
“Need some help?”
She stiffened at the sound of my voice, one hand sweeping up to tuck a fallen strand of hair behind her ear, but she continued working without so much as a glance in my direction.
“Nope.”
The word left her lips with a pop, and I grimaced, sliding into the room like the snake I was.
“Okay, how about some company, then?”
“I prefer to work alone, actual
ly.”
I chuckled, taking a seat at one of the tables, my knees riding up comically high as I tried to fit into the tiny chair.
“How long are you going to stay mad at me?”
“Forever.”
“Charlie…”
She huffed, finally looking at me as she stood straight with the new pile of workbooks tucked under one arm. “What do you want, Reese?”
“I want to explain.”
“Explain what? Your girlfriend? Like I said, I think I’ve got the picture.”
“I don’t think you do.”
“Blonde hair, big boobs, legs for days. You guys met at a bar on karaoke night, you’ve been dating for years. I think that’s plenty of knowledge.”
“She was there for me,” I said loudly, cutting Charlie’s rampage off. I paused, watching her eyes with my own, begging them to hear me. “When… after my family died, she was there. She saw me at my worst, Charlie, and yes, I loved her. I still do. I always will. But not like that.” I swallowed. “Not like you.”
“And how do you love me?”
“With every beat of my stupid, fucked-up, irresponsible heart.”
I held her gaze, but no sign of warmth passed her features. She simply watched me until I patted the tiny chair next to me, signaling her to join me.
She blew out a sigh, shaking her head as she let the workbooks hit the table with a slap. Then, she sat next to me, though she looked like she actually fit in the chair that made me look like an overgrown clown.
“What were you going to do?” she asked. “Did you just… leave her in New York City? Did you just assume she’d know it was over?”
“Honestly?” I asked. “In a way, yes.”
Charlie grimaced, but I reached for her hand, and when our skin finally connected after so long of being apart, I know she felt the spark, too. She calmed, waiting for me to continue as my thumb rubbed the palm of her hand.
“Look, Blake and I… we were always complicated. For years, it was so casual I honestly just thought we’d always be friends. We hooked up sometimes, but even then, it was primitive. It was just… I don’t know, there were no feelings attached. We took what we needed from each other, and then we’d go months without even so much as a text message.”
What He Always Knew (What He Doesn't Know Duet Book 2) Page 5