“Sounds like the life to me,” I said, squinting against a ray of sunshine peeking through the trees as I glanced at Graham. He looked so happy there on that park bench, watching the same little boy I was watching before. I wondered if he was thinking what I had the first time I’d been to the park, if he was picturing his life as a father.
“No kidding. But, I have a feeling you didn’t ask me to come here to talk about Christina,” he said, still watching the playground. “So, go ahead, little sis. Spill.”
I chewed my thumbnail, almost laughing at how easy he made it sound. “I don’t even know where to start.”
“Dad always says the beginning is a good place to start.”
“Yeah, well, Dad would have a heart attack if I told him the beginning of this story — or any part of it, for that matter.”
Graham looked over at me, but I couldn’t meet his eyes. And I was glad I kept my gaze in my lap when the next words left his mouth.
“You’re having an affair.”
My thumb dropped from my mouth, and I gawked at my brother, at the calm, cool way he sat there and stared at me after what he’d just said.
“With Reese, right?”
My jaw dropped farther.
“It’s okay,” Graham said. “Seriously, save the time being ashamed or embarrassed or whatever and just talk to me. From the second I got into town, I’ve known something was eating you up from the inside, and as soon as I saw you and Reese in the same room together, I knew what it was.”
“How?” I asked when I finally found my voice again. “How did you know?”
Graham uncrossed his ankles, sitting up a bit. “Well, first of all, you both basically shit bricks when you saw each other. Secondly, Cameron looked like he wanted to murder Reese and you left immediately when Blake came into the room. And thirdly, you’ve had a crush on Reese since you were eight,” he said easily. “Honestly, when I found out he was back after all that time? I was worried how it would affect you.”
I shook my head, crossing my arms over my middle. “I never knew you knew I liked him.”
Graham scoffed. “Oh, come on. Everyone knew — Reese included. And he liked you, too.” Graham cracked his neck. “He just knew I’d kill him if he touched my baby sister.”
I smiled, shoving his shoulder, but then an awkward silence fell between us.
“Cameron knows,” I said. “About me and Reese. I tried to leave him, and he asked me to give him the same time I’d given Reese. He asked for two months.” I swallowed, looking back at Graham. “Today marks the end of that time.”
“Wow,” Graham said. “I can’t believe he didn’t murder Reese when he found out, but I’m not shocked he didn’t let you go right away.”
I tilted my head in question, and Graham looked at me like I was the stupid one for not seeing what he’d seen.
“Come on, Sis. I’ve never seen anyone love a woman the way Cameron loves you. It’s fierce, like a fire, and I can’t imagine any scenario where he bows out without putting up a fight.”
“Yeah, well,” I said, eyes finding a girl on the swing set. “He fought, alright. And just like I felt when Reese first got inside my head, I have no idea which way is up anymore.”
Graham was silent a moment, watching the same girl on the swing.
“So, are you supposed to make some sort of decision today?”
I nodded.
“Jesus…” Graham breathed. “Cameron I could see that from, but I’m surprised Reese waited around.”
“You’re not the only one. And honestly, I think it’s been driving him insane. I think knowing I’m with Cameron makes him crazy, so when he does get me alone, he gets so desperate for me that he loses himself.”
“That’s Reese, though, isn’t it?” Graham said. “If Cameron’s love for you is a fire, then Reese’s passion for anything he desires in life is a bomb. It’s intense, all-encompassing, and, sometimes — most times — out of his control. I mean, here is this guy who has wanted you for years, who lost his family and any semblance of home he ever knew, and he comes back to find you here married. But you let him in, you gave him a glimpse of what life could be like if you were together.” Graham shrugged. “I bet he’s clinging to that. And honestly, Charlie, from what he’s told me about his life after his family passed, I bet it’s the only ray of light he has to hold onto.”
I shut my eyes tight, letting out a long, tired breath. “There’s more.”
“More?”
I nodded, folding my hands over my stomach. “I’m pregnant.”
At that, Graham popped to sit up straight, turning to face me. “You’re… oh my God, Sis.”
Tears pricked my eyes. “I know.”
“That’s amazing,” he quickly said. “Are you… happy?”
I nodded more intensely, smiling through a laugh that could have been mistaken for a cry. “I’m so, so happy. But also terrified.”
“Because you don’t know who the dad is.”
Graham sighed, running a hand through his dark hair before sitting back on the bench again. We sat there in silence, listening to the wind rustle through the trees, both of us lost in our thoughts.
“Look, I’m not the best at advice,” Graham said after a moment. “Hell, I’m about to be a dad and I can’t even make a pancake without burning it.”
I chuckled.
“But the one thing I know after hearing what you just told me is that you can’t let the fact that you don’t know who that baby belongs to affect your decision today.”
“How?” I asked. “How could I possibly not let it affect me?”
“Regardless of which one you choose to be with, or if you choose to be completely on your own without either one of them, that baby is going to be born, and it’s going to live, and it’s going to have the happiest life any baby has ever had because you’re its mother.”
I smiled, rubbing my belly as my brother searched my eyes.
“And if you do decide to be with Cameron, or with Reese, I know without a doubt that both men would step up and be a great father right alongside you.”
“But what if I choose the man who isn’t the baby’s father,” I counteracted. “What then?”
“If you’re upfront with the man you choose, then they will have that decision to make, just like you had this one. And, if it’s the right man, then he won’t give a damn.”
I sighed, blinking away the tears. “I can’t believe this is my life. I can’t believe this is me, Charlie Pierce, sitting on a park bench telling her brother she had an affair and is pregnant with a baby whose dad can’t be determined.”
“Yet,” Graham said. “Can’t be determined yet. But you can take a test, Charlie. And you’ll know one day. And until then, you need to focus on what you want — on who you want. Which man do you see the rest of your life with?” He tapped my nose. “That’s what you need to figure out.”
I shook my head, my heart aching with the tear in it stretching longer and wider. “I can’t believe you didn’t berate me when I told you. I can’t believe you didn’t call me a cheating floozie.”
“Well, no one says floozie,” he said, and I laughed, shoving his shoulder again. “But also, you’re my sister, and we all make mistakes. I’m not judging you, I’m just here to listen. And to hopefully help a little.”
I sank down on the bench, resting the back of my head on the top of it as I stretched my legs out in front of me. It had to be a dream. It couldn’t possibly be my life I was talking about.
It couldn’t possibly be Charlie Pierce who was having an affair, who had to choose which man to be with and which one to break, who was pregnant by one of those men — who didn’t know which one.
But it was. I was living in what would have been a nightmare to me only months before, an unthinkable nightmare, and it was my reality now whether it was just as terrifying or not.
I rubbed my stomach, picturing a little boy who looked like Cameron, his same wide smile and sharp-edged nose. Would h
e play soccer, or hockey, like his dad? Would he be afraid to use his words, or would we bring him up in a loving home that showed him he could always be open and honest and communicate?
Or what if it was a girl, one who looked just like Reese — her eyes bright green, her hair long, curly, and unruly just like his. Would she play an instrument, possibly the piano, like him? Would she brighten up the world with her laughter and love? Would she be a little trouble maker, one who eventually grew to teach — just like her parents?
I smiled, still rubbing my stomach, loving both of those possibilities. I could never know which would come true, which child I would give birth to, but there was one decision I could make. There was one path in my life that I would set forth, that I would make happen — all by a choice I would make by the end of this day.
I still loved them both, Cameron and Reese, and I felt as torn between the two of them as I had before I’d even given in to Reese, at all. Maybe it was even more so, now that Cameron had opened up and let me in, now that I’d had a snapshot of what my life could be like with Reese.
How was it possible that they both loved me, that they both wanted me, desired me? They wanted me so much that they put themselves through what I imagined to be the most torturous months of their lives, knowing when I was with the other, still waiting for me, for my choice.
But, Cameron had stormed away from me last night, and we hadn’t spoken since. I hoped to see him later at the groundbreaking of Jeremiah’s new house, but I couldn’t be sure. And I had pushed Reese away, begging him for space, for time, only to discover this morning that my suspicion of being pregnant was true.
Would either of them even have me now? Now that there was more at stake, that there was an unborn baby with an unknown father… could they love me still?
Graham’s hand on mine brought me back to the park, and I sighed, squeezing his in return.
“So, did I?” he asked. “Did I help at all?”
I nodded, a slight smile on my lips before it fell away. “You did, big bro. You did.”
But the truth covered us there on that bench like a hot, weighted blanket — one too heavy to ignore.
I could talk to as many people as I wanted, and I could torture myself with thoughts and memories, with my “what ifs” and “almosts,” but I still had a decision to make.
I still had a heart to break.
And no one could help me now.
Reese
The morning of Charlie’s decision, I sat on my couch with Blake, staring at my hands while she stared at me.
It had been a long night. I’d figured after the gala, Blake would have packed up her things and left. But instead, she was waiting for me when I got home with a bottle of gin and about a million questions. Neither of us had slept more than a few hours, and those hours had been spent tossing and turning through fitful dreams.
I couldn’t guess what hers were about, though I imagined her father and I both were present. In mine, though, it was Charlie. It was only Charlie, just like it had been since I’d shown back up in Mount Lebanon.
In my dreams, it always came back to us. No matter how bad the fight, or how long the distance, or how persistent her husband was — she was always mine in the end. I’d dreamed of this day so many times in the past two months, and every time, it ended with her in my arms.
I just couldn’t imagine another option, another way for the day to turn out. Charlie was meant to be mine since we were kids. We were born for one another, destined to find a home in the other, and I couldn’t picture a world where we didn’t work out. It had to be us.
It always had been.
But, my heart still broke for the woman sitting beside me, the woman who had also been a home for me at one time. She was a temporary home, one I took advantage of and moved away from too easily. She’d given me all of her heart, all of her trust, and I hadn’t known what to do with it because it wasn’t what I wanted.
There was no excuse to be made. I had treated her poorly, and it had hurt her.
Every now and then, when her eyes would drift to the far side of the room, I would look up at her. I would trace the edges of her slender face, marvel over the brightness of her hair, and remember a time when seeing those things was the only joy in my life. It wasn’t difficult to close my eyes and remember the darkness, the depression, the long, drunken nights and even more painful mornings where she was my only saving grace.
Blake had put me before herself in every way possible when my family had passed, and she’d shown me the first love of my life. She’d loved me when I was completely unlovable, when most of my friends walked away. She’d helped me stand when I was weak, when I had no will to even crawl, and I would be eternally thankful to her for that.
I’d told her that, over and over, all night long. I did love her, I always would, but not in the way I loved Charlie. It was just that simple — but though it was easy for me to say, it was torture for her to hear. That’s why she couldn’t let it go, why she couldn’t leave, why all her bags were packed and in her car and yet still, she sat there, on my couch, unable to move.
Blake cleared her throat, dragging her gaze back to me, which always led to mine falling back to my hands or the floor.
“Any sane person would have left by now,” she said. “And yet I’m still sitting here, waiting for something. I don’t know what.”
I just swallowed. There were no words for me to say — none that hadn’t already been said.
“I’m sure I already know the answer to this,” Blake continued, squaring her shoulders to face me fully. “But I need to ask, anyway. I need to hear you say it.”
I lifted my eyes to hers, giving her the respect she deserved in that moment. It hurt to look at her when I knew I was the cause of the pain she endured, but I needed to take it. I needed to accept what I’d done.
“If it came down to it, and you had to choose between us… between me and Charlie… who would you choose?”
She asked it as if it were a hypothetical question, a scenario we’d never be in, but we were already living it. We were already at that apex, at the point where she was asking me to choose her, to be with her, and we both knew I couldn’t.
Charlie was the woman my heart beat for, and I couldn’t change that any easier than I could change how the moon revolved around the Earth. It would always be true, no matter the time, no matter the distance, no matter the circumstance.
I shook my head, knowing Blake already knew the answer just like she said she did.
“No, damn it, Reese,” she said, voice louder now. “I need to hear you say it.”
I sniffed, looking down at my shoes before I found her gaze again. The way her blue eyes bore into mine, begging me to prove her instinct wrong, killed me — especially when I knew I wouldn’t.
“It’s Charlie,” I whispered. “I’m sorry, Blake… but it always has been.”
Her eyelids fluttered at my words, her eyes glossing, but she sniffed back her emotion and pulled her long hair over her shoulder as she ripped her gaze away.
For a while she just sat there, and I watched her while she looked around the house, as if she was deconstructing every dream she’d had for what would happen inside those walls. Maybe she saw herself moving here permanently, saw us building a home and eventually a family. Maybe she really hadn’t seen this coming, hadn’t felt how distant I’d been since she’d arrived, how different it had been from when we were in New York together.
It was like watching an entire kingdom crumble in her eyes, and I was the one holding the hammer that took down the first wall.
Finally, Blake stood, snatching her keys off the coffee table and crossing her arms as she looked down at me.
“Let me ask you this last question,” she said, her voice soft but steady. “If she doesn’t pick you, would you want me then?”
I grimaced, stomach turning with even the thought of it.
“There’s no right answer to that question.”
“I didn�
�t ask if there was a right answer,” she said. “I asked what your answer is. If she doesn’t pick you,” she repeated, this time waiting until my eyes found hers again before she finished. “Would you ever want me, Reese?”
There had been many times in my life when I’d recognized that I could sometimes be a shitty human. I’d broken many girls’ hearts, pulled pranks that went too far, saw disappointment in both my mother and my father’s eyes too many times to remember them all. But in that moment, with Blake looking at me like I was tossing her heart in a paper shredder right in front of her — that was the worst.
I didn’t look away when I shook my head in answer, and the pain on her face when she registered the meaning was an image I’d never forget.
Blake closed her eyes, forcing a breath before the mixture of a laugh and a cry left her lips. She shook it off, running her hands back through her hair, and then her eyes found mine.
“Rot in hell, Reese Walker.”
She turned on her heels, and I stood to watch her go, suddenly wishing I could reach out for her and comfort her. But how could I, how could I be the solvent when I was the poison, too?
Blake shoved through the front door, and when she did, she toppled right into Cameron.
He caught her before she fell, and she straightened herself, looking back at me once more with tears in her eyes before she shook her head and stormed toward her car. Cameron watched her with me until she whipped out of the driveway, and once the car was gone, he turned.
The husband of the woman I loved was on my doorstep, and there wasn’t any doubt in my mind that I wouldn’t like the reason he was there.
“We need to talk.”
I stepped out onto the front porch, guard up and ready for whatever fight Cameron had brought with him.
“What do we need to talk about?”
Cameron nodded toward the door I still held. “Maybe I should come inside.”
“Maybe not.”
He laughed, shaking his head like my answer didn’t surprise him. “Fine. Doesn’t matter where it happens, but we need to talk about Charlie.”
What He Always Knew (What He Doesn't Know Duet Book 2) Page 20