I head into the kitchen and root around in the freezer for an ice pack. But I don’t have any. The doctors told me not to use ice for my shoulder, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s not in fashion anymore. Now they seem to use heat packs. Although once they did have me sit in an ice bath after practice. It’s hard to keep track of what’s supposedly good or bad for you these days. It all seems to change so far… kind of like my life.
I grab a bag of peas that I’m definitely never going to eat, since I’ve always hated peas.
“Here you go,” I say, tossing the bag at Jack, as I come back into the living room.
He misses the catch. The bag crashes into his face.
“Ow, shit,” he says.
“Sorry,” I say. “You OK?”
“I’m fine,” says Jack, wincing. He takes the frozen bag of peas and holds it up to his face. “You delivered the punishment and the medicine in one swoop.”
“I don’t even know what that means.”
“So you didn’t answer my question,” says Jack. “I’m your older brother. You can tell me. Maybe I can help.”
“You didn’t ask me a question.”
“Oh, right. Well, I was going to, before you left.”
“And that was?”
“What’s your plan now?”
“My plan?”
“Yeah, like are you going to be in the kid’s life or what?”
“Of course I am!” I say indignantly.
“Well, it doesn’t seem like you’re taking any steps in that direction.”
“That’s because Lia… well… I don’t think she could take it. She left, twice…”
I can feel myself getting angry.
“You seem like you haven’t resolved your feelings about her.”
“I have,” I say. “I know she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me.”
“You’re the one who seems angry,” points out Jack. “Listen, these things don’t go down the way you want them to. That’s not how shit works out. So she left you a voicemail and that was it. So maybe she made a mistake. But she was doing the best she could. Do you think she wanted her kid to grow up without a father? And do you think it was easy for her to tell you after all these years? She probably feels horrible.”
I fall silent. Part of me realizes that what Jack is saying is right.
How does he have so much insight into this?
“Remember the story of Mom and Dad?” says Jack.
I shake my head.
“They weren’t expecting me. I don’t know if you knew that.”
I shake my head. “It’s news to me.”
“Well,” says Jack. “I shouldn’t know the story, but one of Dad’s friends told me once when I was drunk.”
“Who?”
“You remember Mr. Masters?”
I nod my head.
“I stayed with him once when I got out of jail. Turns out he was a huge drunk and couldn’t keep his mouth shut. Anyway, he told me how Mom and Dad had actually broken up when Mom realized she was pregnant. They had a huge fight or something… a big blow out… but the news of me got them back together.”
“Really?” I say.
Jack nods.
“Hm,” I say, not knowing what to say.
“So what you going to do?” says Jack.
“I don’t know,” I say. “I need to think about this. Oh, and you can stay here. There’s a spare room upstairs. But just don’t get your blood all over the sheets. Clean yourself up before going to bed. There’s food in the fridge. I’m going to take a walk. I need to do some thinking.”
“Thanks, bro,” says Jack, looking visibly touched.
I nod at him and head out the door, letting it close loudly behind me.
I’ve got some serious thinking to do.
Right now I know two things: that I want to be Will’s dad, and that I want to be with Lia.
I just don’t quite know how…
How am I going to do it?
Can I really go from being single to being a family man?
24
Lia
It’s been nice having time off. I’ve been watching the money in my bank account drop lower and lower. But I’m still glad I quit my job.
I know I’ll find another one. Maybe something even better.
But as of right now, there haven’t been any offers. I’ve dropped my résumé off, and I’ve even sent it into some offices by email. Of course, I doubt I have much of a chance at the offices. These days, a college degree doesn’t guarantee you a good job. You’ve got to spend that money to get an advanced degree, specializing in something.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to spend so much time with Will.
“You don’t need your stroller, do you Will?” I say to him, as we’re getting ready to go for a walk.
Will shakes his head.
“You don’t like it anymore?”
Will shakes his head.
“That’s good,” I say. “You’re strong, right Will?”
Will nods his head.
Even when he’s a little tired like this, he still likes walking by himself.
There’s a park nearby that I plan on walking to. That way when he gets tired we can rest on the benches or on the grass.
I’ve been trying not to think about Shane. But that’s hard. I see his face partially every time I look at Will. I see him in Will’s eyes. They look so much alike.
And I dream about him. Every night when I fall asleep, I imagine the two of us in all sorts of scenarios. Some of the dreams are wonderful, and we’re relaxing on a tropical island together, soaking up the sun. Some of the dreams are nightmarish realities that I can’t even begin to describe, that’s how horrible and horrifying they are.
Will looks cute in his fall jacket, and I take him by the hand and we start walking down the sidewalk. Slowly, of course.
Some kids Will’s age are still riding around in strollers. That’s fine. But it’s not Will’s style. He wants to be a big boy already. I’m sure he’s taking after his dad.
“You’re doing good, Will,” I say, trying to encourage him more.
He’s looking around intently studying everything. That’s what he does. He wants to know what’s going on outside. He wants to understand things. He’s incredibly inquisitive, even for a child his age.
We get to the park and there are a few other people there.
It’s not a long walk, but Will’s a little tired.
“You want to sit down on the bench?”
“No, the grass,” he says, pointing to a patch of grass.
“Sounds nice,” I say. “I like sitting on the grass too. That looks like a great spot.”
The sun is shining but the air has a bit of that fall chill to it.
Will sits cross-legged on the grass, and I sit next to him. I’m wearing old jeans and I don’t care if they get grass stains on them, or a little dirt.
Across the park, there’s a gymnasium, and some older kids play on it while their mothers sit and chat on a nearby bench. Although I notice that they tend to look at their phones more than chat with each other. I guess that’s the way things are these days. We’re all becoming less and less connected.
Will’s amusing himself by picking at the grass. It’s amazing to me how kids his age can have so much fun with such simple things. As adults, it takes more and more to amuse us. We get bored more easily as we age. That’s just the way it is, and it’s sort of sad.
I have a heavy heart. I don’t know what’s going to happen with Shane. I’ve been hoping he would call, or send me an email or something. But I haven’t heard anything. Maybe he doesn’t want to be in my life… Maybe he doesn’t want to be with me…
The worst possibility is that he doesn’t even want to be Will’s father.
Instead of feeling angry, I just feel horribly sad. It’s like there’s a deep well of depression drilling its way down through me, drilling right through my heart, digging out a horrible tunnel…
/>
From the nearby street, the sound of screeching tires comes.
I turn to look, as does Will.
“What’s that?”
The car looks familiar.
It’s a Jeep that doesn’t have a top on it. Nor does it have doors.
The driver is big and muscular, and handsome.
For some reason, it takes me a moment to recognize him.
He’s got a look of pure determination on his face.
I see Shane spot us, his eyes locking onto us.
He parks the Jeep quickly, and it rocks on its suspension as he throws on the brake.
He gets out of the Jeep jauntily, moving through the absence of the passenger door.
He walks right towards us, his gait quick and steady. His face is frozen in determination. But other than that I can’t read it.
I don’t know what he wants.
My heart is beating in my chest like crazy.
Will is looking up at Shane expectantly. He doesn’t know it’s his dad. I can see the similarities in their faces so clearly. Will has seen Shane before. He knows he’s my friend.
Shane walks right up to us. He stands just a foot, maybe a foot and a half away from us.
His face is completely unreadable.
To my surprise, he doesn’t say anything.
I don’t say anything either. I’m waiting for him to speak first.
But instead of opening his mouth, Shane gets down onto one knee.
He takes my hand, which feels numb with surprise, in his.
“Lia,” he says, looking me right in the eyes. “I’m sorry about what’s happened between us. It made me realize that there are a lot of things I’m unsure of. But I’m sure of one thing, and that’s that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you, Lia. I know we haven’t spent much time together. But we have something special. We have a special bond that I know we can both feel. I’m not doing this because of Will, but because I know that I want you and that I’ll always want you, no matter what. Lia, will you marry me?”
Shane pulls out a small box from his pocket and opens it up. Inside, there’s a gorgeous engagement ring, the most gorgeous one I’ve ever seen. I vaguely think to myself that the ring and the speech were out of order, but who cares about that. That’s not what’s important here.
I swear to God I almost faint. This is not what I was expecting.
My mouth feels frozen, like it’s hard to speak. But the rest of my body suddenly feels light and free, impossibly happy, as if I can viscerally feel the joy rushing up through me. This is what I want. This is what I want, even though I didn’t know it.
“Mom?” says Will, apparently confused by what’s happening.
“Yes!” I say, my mouth finally moving. “I love you, too Shane. Of course, Shane, I’ll marry you. Yes!”
Shane slides the ring on my finger carefully.
I bring it up closer to my face.
“It looks incredible,” I say. I can’t contain my smile. I simply feel so happy.
Shane rises to his feet and his mouth comes towards mine. His lips touch mine and I feel an electric sensation running through me. It’s the feeling of intense happiness that just won’t leave, ever.
We finally break apart from the kiss.
I look down and Will is standing there, looking up at us.
“What’s happening, Mom?” says Will.
I smile down at him.
“Will,” I say. “This is your father. Your dad.”
Will looks shocked. Maybe a little confused.
“Hey there, big guy,” says Shane, bending down on one knee to get closer to Shane’s height. “I’m your dad. I’m sorry we haven’t spent time together, but that’s going to change. Here, give me a hug.”
Shane hugs Will, and for me the moment seems to hang in eternity, a moment of extreme happiness.
Tears of joy are rolling down my face.
25
Lia
The last few months have gone incredibly quickly. Things seem to be happening at a pace so rapid that I can’t even comprehend them. Everything has changed, and it’s all changed for the better.
Normally in the winter I feel depressed, at least mildly. The cold weather and the lack of sun starts to get to me and there’s nothing I can do about it. But this winter was different, completely different. I felt constantly filled with a warm joy that just wouldn’t leave me. And that joy came from Will and Shane.
Having Shane in my life is incredible. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, by far. There’s simply no comparison. Well, maybe Will is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ll simply say, I guess, that the two of them are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. It’s sort of a chicken and the egg situation, where I’m not sure which came first. You know what I mean.
After a month of getting engaged, Will and I moved in with Shane, to the house that he already has.
There was a bit of cleaning up to do to make it livable. Or at least up to a woman’s standards. It was a nice place, but it was set up like some kind of bachelor pad. Men just don’t seem to have that homemaking instinct.
For the first couple weeks, Shane’s brother, Jack, was staying there too. Eventually, though, he moved out. He had just recently gotten a job as a delivery driver for one of the big shipping companies. It’s a good job, with a pretty high hourly pay, especially considering that Jack had been in and out of prison. It was kind of interesting having him there, and Will seemed to like him a lot, but in the end I was glad when he moved out and the three of us had the house just to ourselves.
Some people say you shouldn’t move in together before getting married. But I’m finding that that’s less and less a popular opinion. Now a lot of people say you should move in before getting married. Me? I don’t really know what’s best. I figure that’s for everyone to decide on their own. In our case, I was running out of money. But that wasn’t the real reason. If I’d wanted to, I could have stayed living on my own, just me and Will. The real thing was that it just seemed natural. Shane had been spending almost every night at my apartment, and it just felt better to live together. After all, we already had a son together, so why not live together, as one happy little family?
I’m going back to school. Finally, I get to study my passion. I’m going to be enrolled in a PhD program for physical therapy next fall. It’s good that I’m going to finally get to go, because it turns out that I might actually have some real talent for it. Shane’s shoulder has gotten better. So my diagnosis was correct, about the way his shoulder was moving in its socket. It turns out that all the sports doctors and everyone else he’d gone to completely dropped the ball on that. A permanently injured shoulder could have completely destroyed his career.
The wedding is scheduled for this spring, the first day of April, when we hope against hope that the sun will be shining down on us and the weather will be pleasant and warm. Part of me wanted to just rush down to the courthouse and get married as soon as possible, but we talked about it, and in the end we agreed that it would be a lot more special if we waited a few months and planned a proper wedding.
It’s so nice to be able to be a stay at home mom for once. I’m going to enjoy it while I can, since school next year will take up a lot of my time. I get to spend a lot more time with Will, and it’s fun to see him growing daily, getting smarter and learning more things. He’s getting better at walking, talking, and just about everything.
Shane spends as much time with Will as he can. He’s trying to make up for lost time. I think it was kind of a shock to him to suddenly become a father. He had to deal with it on his own terms, and by the time he had decided what he wanted to do, that he wanted to propose to me and marry me, he was completely ready to be a dad. But he still had a lot to learn. Unlike me, he hadn’t seen Will grow from an infant into the kid he is now.
I couldn’t be more proud of Shane and the effort he’s making. Not only does he spend time with Will, and the three o
f us, but he spends a lot of his free time reading up on child development. He wants to understand everything and be the best possible dad that he can be. I’m more than impressed.
Shane went on to do very well in the football season. Thankfully, football season is over, and he won’t have to do any football related things during the time leading up to the wedding.
26
Lia
The big day of the wedding approached faster than I thought possible.
I was incredibly nervous, practically trying not to shiver with nerves in my white bridal dress.
Will was the ring bearer of course, although we didn’t exactly want to entrust him the entire time with the real ring. So he held a replica, and was handed the ring at the last moment.
Shane calmed me down. Just seeing him standing there, solid as a rock, kept me from being too nervous. Gradually, I began to enjoy myself, and by the end of the procession I was just so happy that tears were coming out of my eyes.
My parents came up from Mexico. That’s the first time they’ve done that since they moved down there, and I could barely believe it when my mom told me the news. My dad seemed pleased to walk me down the aisle. Honestly I think they’re thrilled to have a super famous football player son in law.
Now it’s the party after the wedding. We’ve kissed and taken our vows. That’s all over. Jane gave a ridiculous speech at the wedding that had everyone cracking up in laughter. And Shane’s brother, Jack, gave a solemn speech about how Shane is helping him turn his life around, and about how Shane was acting like the big brother between them. It was incredibly touching.
“Can you believe it?” I whisper to Shane.
We’re slow dancing to one of Shane’s favorite songs, “Numb as a Statue” by Warren Zevon. It’s quickly becoming my favorite song too.
He’s holding me close to him. People around us are dancing as well. My parents are somewhere nearby. Shane’s brother is dancing with Jane, and I don’t know whether she’s pleased or not about that. But I don’t have time to worry about that kind of thing. Nor do I have the interest. I know Will’s safe at the kids table. My parents are going to take care of him while Shane and I head to our honeymoon. It’s about time that they spent some time with their grandson.
Quarterback's Baby: A Secret Baby Romance Page 15