by Sue Watson
As much as I loved being there, I was very young and without Gina in the bedroom I soon became homesick for Mum and Dad, but the Ovaltine always helped.
I remembered this as I rummaged around in the cupboards and after a while I came upon a catering tin of the stuff just like Sophia used to have at the café. I had to laugh, it was bright orange, enormous and still bore the trademark picture of the farm girl holding a wheatsheaf on the front. This had to be about forty years old, so I wouldn’t be drinking it, I couldn’t imagine what the Ovaltine would be like inside. It might send me to sleep, but would I ever wake up again? I reached for the tin with both hands, expecting the weight of this huge can of powdered drink to be something to grapple with, but was surprised to feel no weight at all. I brought it down from the shelf, looking at the long-forgotten label that resurrected those bittersweet memories of being soothed by my aunt when I was little and homesick.
I assumed the can was empty, but this was a piece of history and it might make a nice container for something. The retro style was very popular and perhaps I could use it at the café – a memento of Sophia perhaps? So I tried to open it. After breaking a knife on the lid, I tried the handle of a spoon and eventually managed to prise off the lid. Peering inside, instead of emptiness, I saw layers of faded pink tissue paper, which I peeled away gently, like rose petals, until my fingers reached the centre. There sat a tiny pair of pink knitted bootees, which I touched gently then lifted out from the crisp paper, puzzled and enchanted by these exquisite little woolly shoes. Then inside the paper scrunches, I spotted a little square card edged in silver which read;
19 October 1973
To my little girl on her 1st birthday. You’ll never know how much I loved you. I may be far away, but know that I’m thinking of you every day and you’ll always be here in my heart.
Love Mummy
Xxxx
I held the bootees to my chest, my heart beating. They weren’t from my mother to me because Mum had never been ‘far away’ but something had been buried very deep in this family – because 19 October 1973 had been my first birthday.
26
Bruised Knees and Broken Hearts
‘But… but if I tell you, I’ll lose you,’ my mother was saying as I stood in her bedroom holding the bootees. I’d gone straight up to Mum’s bedroom and thankfully she was still awake, because I couldn’t wait until morning to ask her what the hell this was about.
‘Mum… I won’t judge you, whatever it is. You’re my mum and I love you.’
‘I always knew this would happen, that you’d find out in the end. I wanted to tell you but Sophia said it would be best to make a clean start, your dad and I should move. “Just go…” she said, but you can’t escape it can you, however far you run?’
‘Mum, you’re scaring me, escape what?’
I held my breath as Mum sat up in bed and put on her dressing gown.
‘Is this about you and Sophia?’ I asked.
‘No, love, it’s about you and Gina.’
‘What is it, Mum? I don’t…’
‘The bootees,’ she whispered, as she touched them lightly, like they might break. ‘They’re from Gina.’
‘Gina? To a baby… her baby…?’ I suddenly felt the ground move under me. ‘Oh God… am I Gina’s baby?’
Mum nodded.
I felt the earth tilt, everything I knew or thought I knew was suddenly washed away. ‘My dad?’
‘Some lad she was seeing…’
Then I realised, it must have been the boy Gina had told me about earlier that evening. Her first love, the love of her life – they’d had me and that’s why it all became such a mess.
‘She can only have been… sixteen, seventeen?’
‘She was sixteen when she had you. It was a long time ago, she wanted to keep you and Sophia thought it could all work out. But times were different – oh the shame, I felt so sorry for our Sophia, good Catholic family, well-known local business, but Sophia said if she wanted to keep the baby she could…’
‘So why? What…?’ I sat on the end of the bed, my whole world had changed in a matter of seconds, my whole life had been a lie. Was I still me? And who was ‘me’ anyway now?
‘Gina struggled, she was so young she couldn’t look after a baby, and she still had a life to live. Sophia didn’t want the father involved, said it would make everything more complicated. But Gina fought her to see him, I think he left, his parents sent him away – and then once you were born, she didn’t want to sit at home all day with a new baby. Gina was young, she wanted to be out with her friends, drinking, dancing. I always knew it would be difficult, and Sophia was busy with the café, so as me and your dad lived nearby I offered to help. I was recovering from losing my own baby and when Gina had hers I was ready… so ready, I remember holding you in my arms for the first time and knowing I loved you instantly, as if I’d given birth to you myself. I started looking after you, until Sophia stopped it, she said it was preventing Gina from “bonding with her baby”,’ she said this in Sophia’s voice, she’d obviously been hurt by this comment. I just sat on the edge of the bed listening, unable to move or think, just trying to take it in.
‘Then one evening I noticed Gina had forgotten to take a blanket with her when she’d picked you up from mine earlier – I still looked after you when Gina wanted a break, we just didn’t tell Sophia. So I popped to the flat over the café to drop it off – I was worried you’d be cold. Sophia and Reggie were both busy working so I just went up the stairs, but when I got there Gina wasn’t around. At first I worried she’d taken you out with her – she’d done that before. But no, not this time, she’d gone one worse and actually left you alone, just lying in your cot. You were screaming, really distressed and hungry and judging by your nappy she’d been gone a while. I had to tell Sophia, she was furious and when Gina came back that night Sophia was waiting for her. She gave her an ultimatum, she said Gina had made her choice and she had to take responsibility, and if she didn’t then Sophia would kick her out.’
‘And so what happened?’ I heard myself ask, a cracked raw voice coming from somewhere deep inside, still seeking answers.
‘Well Gina was only seventeen, she wanted to meet friends and go dancing… always loved the nightlife did our Gina,’ Mum added, in an aside, unable to resist making the point that Gina’s priorities were, in Mum’s view, rather skewed. Even in all this I realised I’d never heard her refer to Gina as ‘our Gina’ before.
‘So, what happened?’ I said, again, the only sentence I could come up with, my head devoid of any words other than the ones needed. My mouth was dry, and I could feel my pulse beating in my head.
‘Well Gina did what she does best – she kicked off didn’t she? The minute you try to pin down someone like Gina she rebels, and Sophia and Gina were both fiery, and both pig-headed. I see it in you sometimes,’ she said.
Oh God, so this meant Sophia wasn’t my aunt any more, she was my grandma. I was desperate to listen to Mum but was finding it hard to concentrate as the implications became clear. I tried to recalibrate my life and the relationships in it, unable to comprehend the changed family dynamics this news had brought with it.
‘Anyway, things limped on for a few weeks, but Sophia and I were worried about you and about Gina. I would spend most days with you when Sophia was working and she would be there in the evenings, but Gina was like a caged lion pacing up and down all the time. In the end she realised what keeping her baby meant – and though she loved you, she couldn’t look after you and she just ran. I’ll never forget Sophia calling me in tears, it was just before your first birthday, Gina had gone missing along with money from the till. I went straight round there to look after you so Reg and Sophia could search for her, they got the police involved and everything. But Gina had planned her escape, she’d met a photographer who said she looked like a film star and he took her to London. From there they got passports and the next thing we knew she’s calling from America and reversing t
he charges.’
‘And that was it?’ I wished I could say I felt something, but I couldn’t. I was numb, just waiting for all this information to hit me so I could begin to work through it. Everyone around me had changed, my mother was my aunt, my cousin was my mother. Did this mean I wasn’t me any more?
I looked at Mum… at the woman I knew as Mum, and she continued. ‘Are you okay, love?’
I nodded, ‘Yes, just tell me what happened next.’
‘Well, Sophia was inconsolable at losing Gina, and there was I with three miscarriages behind me… and then Gina called one night to ask how you were. And out of the blue she asked if I’d take you.’
Oh God, it was all becoming clear now.
‘It made sense, love – it was like fate – me without a baby, Gina with one she couldn’t look after. Sophia had the café and Reggie took ill around that time, probably from the stress of it all.’
‘And so Gina gave me away?’
‘Gina parted with you because she loved you and wanted you to be safe and happy. She knew I had the time and all the love, and asked only that I let her have some time with you whenever she came back to Appledore. But when your dad got the chance of work in Manchester we moved. Sophia wasn’t happy, she felt I was taking you away from her and also making it difficult for Gina to see you if she came back to Appledore and you were miles away up North. Sophia agreed to us moving, but it caused bad blood between us and she resented me for taking you away. But your dad and me wanted a fresh start and in a new city we didn’t have to tell everyone you weren’t ours; people just accepted us as a little family. That was all we ever wanted. And we were happy, for a while – but when Sophia told Gina she was furious we’d taken you away from Appledore. She and Sophia then came up with this idea and insisted we bring you back each year. They said if we didn’t they’d call Social Services and get you back. We didn’t know how serious they were, but they’d talked to Ronald Shaw about getting you back through the courts, so we didn’t dare risk you not seeing her.’
‘So that’s why you allowed me to visit alone each year?’ And that was why Mum didn’t like Ronald Shaw, Ben’s dad and told me not to listen to gossip in Appledore.
‘Yes, we had no choice, but we didn’t want solicitors involved, she just had to trust us that we’d bring you every year. Part of the agreement was that I wasn’t around, Gina wanted you all to herself.’
I realised then just how much it must have torn Mum apart to leave me here every summer. ‘You must have been distraught, worrying each time that she might want me back… run away with me even?’
Mum nodded; ‘It was agony, not only did we miss you, we worried Gina would suddenly take you back to America… that was my greatest fear. I think the stress of it all killed your dad in the end, he loved you so much and Gina was always a dark shadow hanging over us. Even on the happy days – your birthday, Christmas, a holiday – it was there in our minds, if this might be the last time. As Gina grew older I could see how you two bonded, she was always fun, young, sparkly. She didn’t have to tell you to do your homework, she could just be the fun “cousin”. And of course you were like a moth to a flame, which is why I worried that if you knew the truth, you would choose to be with Gina. So I went from worrying she’d take you when you were little, to worrying you’d want to leave us…’
‘Oh Mum…’
‘I know it wasn’t fair on you, I never gave you a minute’s peace or freedom to make your own mistakes – because for me the price was too high.’
I understood in a way, and as a mother myself I think I’d have behaved in the same way Mum had.
‘But my birth certificate… it has yours and Dad’s name on it?’ I said, still questioning this, still unable to really believe.
‘It was the seventies, love, there were no computers, so forms went missing, or were processed without too many questions. Your dad knew someone at the registry office who was happy to put our names on the birth certificate for a few quid. It was all fine, until the thing we’d feared most happened – Gina wanted you back and this time she meant it.’
Mum wiped her eyes with a now well-worn tissue and continued.
‘As bad as Gina could be, there was no doubting her love for you, Ella. She just had this unrealistic idea about motherhood, she wanted the pretty dresses, the birthday parties with pink candles, holidays by the sea. But she had no idea about what being a real mum entailed. I think by the time you were twelve she thought you’d fit into her life. You were a pretty little thing and I just knew she saw you like an accessory, a nice new handbag to show off to her friends. I knew she’d soon get bored with the responsibility, she’s always done exactly what she wanted to do without any recourse. I blame Sophia – she spoiled her, allowed her to run wild while she was building up the business.’
I could see now why Gina ran away, she followed the brightest star, enjoyed the new toys, but abandoned everyone and everything when she’d had enough.
‘So is that why I stopped coming here when I was twelve, you thought she was going to try and take me back?’
‘Yes, she went to see Ronald Shaw and he talked to her about taking your dad and me to court to get you back – and she’d have done it too. My own sister was prepared to have my child taken from me – just because her daughter wanted a new trinket to play with. Like I say, she’d never said no to Gina and even now with the café, when she knew Gina wouldn’t be consistent, that she was likely to walk away, she still backed her.’
I shook my head, this was wrong on Sophia’s part, and as much as I’d loved Gina, it would have destroyed me to suddenly be taken from my mum. I sighed. ‘What a mess.’
‘I felt such betrayal, when it suited them I’d looked after you. I’d brought you up, loved you, made you safe, I’ve been a good mother, haven’t I, Ella?’
I nodded, the need for reassurance now clear. ‘Oh Mum that must have been terrible, so what happened?’
Tears were now falling down her cheeks. ‘Well, your dad stepped in… he knew what Gina was like and he wasn’t as easily swayed as Sophia. I was in a terrible state and he arranged for me and Gina to meet and he sort of mediated. He told me to be honest with Gina and I was, I said as one mother to another she knew the pain of losing her child, so how could she do this to me? I loved you as much as she did, but more than that I had been prepared to change my life to accommodate a child. I said you were loved and happy and settled, you had friends and a life up North and no mother would tear you away from that. I pointed out that Gina had given you away as a baby out of love – but how would she explain that to you? Typical Gina, she hadn’t thought it through – she hadn’t considered your feelings in all this. In the end your dad had the final say, and before we left he just said, “Gina, if you love her, let her be,” and that was the last time we saw her. Until now.’
‘So that was it?’ I knew the right thing had been done, even now in the early hours of knowing it was clear Gina wouldn’t have been able to care for me like Mum had. But still it hurt to discover my story was that my mother had given me away without a fight.
‘About six months after that she called me. I almost died, I thought she’d changed her mind again and I felt sick when I heard her voice. It was late at night in America, I think she’d had a drink, and all she said was “Please don’t ever tell Ella about me, I couldn’t bear it if she hated me.” She said she didn’t want you growing up thinking badly of her… “just let me be her cousin,” she said.’
I sat holding the bootees, working out the Rubik’s cube of the past, of my life. Only now did all the letters make sense – they weren’t Sophia’s letters to Gina, they were Gina’s letters to me.
Mum went on to tell me how Gina had lived for my holiday visits, often going without, so she could afford the airfare home to wait in the Ice Cream Café for her daughter. The last fortnight in August – every year.
‘But the year after all the trouble, I told her you didn’t want to visit any more, that you ha
d a life at home and were bored in Appledore. I couldn’t risk her changing her mind again and wanting you back and I know it broke her heart, but I had to choose between your heart and hers. You were my priority, because I was your mum… I am your mum. I couldn’t trust Gina again, or Sophia, and it would have destroyed both you and me to be parted. Even if Gina stood by her word, you were now a teenager, and you might be seduced by Gina’s lifestyle, her glamorous ways, I couldn’t risk it. She would have broken your heart, love – and mine.’
‘I can’t believe I didn’t know.’
‘Know what? That I’m not your biological mother? Would it have made any difference? I learned the day I took you home, it isn’t about giving birth it’s about being there and keeping you safe and fed and loved and happy.’
And I knew just what she meant. It was those first days at school when you leave your child at the door in tears, the bruised knees, the mean girls in the playground, the nasty colds and broken hearts. She was there for all that – keeping me safe, a box of plasters and a glass of milk – always there making sure I lived a good life…
‘I hope I was a good mum?’ she said, her voice small, almost a whisper.
‘You were… you are. The best, Mum, the best,’ I said the familiar line smiling through my tears.
I’d been trying to find me while I was in Appledore, but I didn’t expect to find another mother. Was this the reason I’d always felt so drawn to the place, drawn to Gina? I’d always known there was a secret, one that had crushed my family like a huge, cleaving wave. I thought it might be about infidelity, lost love, even murder – and yes, for a while back there in the nineties I thought it might have actually been about teabags. But never this. Never a secret about me.
‘I feel so guilty,’ she said, tears now filling every crack in her face. ‘But I couldn’t risk losing you. It was my worst fear… I just wanted to be your mum, Ella.’