Mother Melusina seemed to understand her sentiment anyway. “Fine. I will give you what you seek, Daughter of Sedna. In order to get what you want, you must first determine whether you can handle getting what you want.”
The corners of Elandria’s eyes wrinkled in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“I mean to say that you shall have your family returned to you. I will give you this and nothing more—you will soon learn to be careful what you wish for.”
Having been replaced by Visola in training Glais, Trevain left the poor boy to his fate and headed to the library. There, Dr. Rosenberg was directing a casual counseling session with Aazuria and Varia, focusing on the particulars of the young girl’s unusual upbringing. Leaning against the doorframe, he watched and listened to their conversation with keen interest.
“So, I’ve been reading your blog,” the doctor said, “and I was surprised by your username: MissAntarctica. Do you mean like in a beauty pageant?”
Varia laughed. “I don’t think there would be too much competition among girls born in Antarctica. There have only been a handful of people born there at research stations, maybe a dozen or so. Way more people have died there. But no, that’s my username because I actually do miss Antarctica.”
“What was your favorite part of growing up there?” the doctor asked. “As I understand, you were trapped in a submerged lake?”
“Yes. The lake was so beautiful,” Varia said nostalgically, “with the loveliest little creatures glowing in their shells. Even Mother didn’t know their names, so I made some up. We harvested them for food, and we fashioned jewelry and weapons out of their shells and bones. It was so much fun. I wished I could stay in the lake forever instead of the small cabin, but Mother said that breathing water consistently would slow my aging down too much. She wanted me to grow up faster.”
“Physically or mentally?” Dr. Rosenberg asked.
“Both,” Aazuria answered. “It was necessary.”
“Did you feel pressure to be an adult before you were ready, Princess Varia?” the doctor asked.
“No,” Varia answered. “I wanted to learn everything, and Mother told me all the stories she knew. There were new stories every day. I wanted to get physically larger as fast as possible, and have my body catch up with my mind—I wanted to be strong enough to go out and see the world!”
“What do you mean by strong enough?” the doctor asked.
Varia hesitated. “We nearly escaped once. But I had never seen the sunlight or felt the harsh cold air, and it was too much for me. I instantly got so sick and felt so weak and feverish, and Mother tried to carry me across hundreds of miles, but I was too heavy. I was five… the same age that Ivory and Ronan are right now,” she mused. “Those two would have been able to handle the trek, but I couldn’t, and it was my fault that we couldn’t escape.”
“No, darling,” Aazuria said, reaching out to grasp her hand. “You were amazing—you did your best. You were so strong.”
“So the pressures of that journey were entirely physical, Princess Varia? When you think back, you only remember your body aching?” the doctor asked.
Chewing on her lip, Varia turned in her chair to look over her shoulder at Trevain. “Actually, the most important part of that trip for me, was the day I learned my father’s name. I was so cold and tired that I couldn’t move or speak, and Mother thought I was dead. She was crying, and I was so frozen and sleepy that I couldn’t even manage to tell her I was alive. Can you imagine being so cold? I’ll never forget that. And Mom kept saying this word, over and over. I had no idea what it meant; I had never heard her say this word before. Trevain, Trevain, Trevain, she kept saying. I honestly think it was curiosity that kept me alive, because I really wanted to know what it meant. And then she told me that it was my real father’s name, and that she would tell me everything that she had kept hidden before. I had been waiting forever to know, and suddenly the world opened up for me.”
Varia glanced from Trevain to the doctor. “That was the day I grew up.”
Aazuria had pressed a hand to her forehead in distress at the memory. “Did I make a bad decision, doctor? Should I not have told her?”
“No, Queen Aazuria. You did the right thing. It seems like Varia valued the information.”
“I did,” Varia said, nodding. “I didn’t know who I was before that day. I didn’t know where I came from, or where I would ever end up going. It was easier to be strong after that.”
“Not many people have such a keen memory of events that happened when they were five years old,” the doctor commented. “You have a very sharp mind, Varia.”
“How can you forget the first time you’ve seen the sun after five years of darkness?” Varia smiled. “It was so bright it was painful. But even if I had died, it would have been worth dying for.”
Trevain moved across the room to sit beside his daughter. He reached out and took her hand, and looked down at the slender digits thoughtfully before lifting his chin to meet her eyes. “I didn’t know all this, kid.”
Varia nodded, turning away from him slightly.
“Why didn’t you know?” Dr. Rosenberg asked. “It seems like these are the most important formative events of your daughter’s life. Why shouldn’t you know what she’s been through?”
Surprised by this question, Trevain frowned. “I guess I was worried that it would bother her if I asked about it more. I felt like it was too painful a memory to casually bring up, because thinking or talking about it would be similar to going through it all over again.”
“Is it too painful for you to talk about, Varia?” the doctor asked. “Or you, Queen Aazuria?”
The young girl shook her head, and her mother did the same.
“It seems like your wife and daughter are comfortable with accepting the details of what happened to them,” Dr. Rosenberg observed, “which leads me to believe that it’s too painful for you to think about, King Trevain.”
Drawing a deep breath, Trevain looked at the doctor. “You’re right. I still feel enraged about it every day. Do you understand how powerless I was, and how much I hated myself? This man stole my wife and daughter from me. I thought they were dead. So I fantasized about killing him every night for ten years. I would lie awake and pray for the opportunity to reconcile my rage.” Trevain found that he was suddenly having difficulty breathing. “And after I learned that he was dead, the fantasies intensified. I wanted to kill him even more.”
The doctor nodded in acknowledgment. “So you admit that you have never ‘reconciled your rage.’ Do you think that’s healthy?”
“Maybe not, but how could I get over something like that? How can I get back what that man took from me? How can I ever get revenge on him?”
“Trevain,” the doctor said with a smile, “from what I understand, you shot his father in the head.”
“I did that to protect Aazuria,” he said stubbornly. “Not that it worked.”
“From what I hear, after discovering that Aazuria was dead, you went on a rampage and killed every member of the Zalcan family,” the doctor said.
“The emperor killed my wife,” Trevain said through gritted teeth. “So I killed his. Along with all of his children. And his nieces and nephews, and cousins.”
The doctor smiled. “You devastated that family. You crushed and conquered their empire. Why isn’t that enough reconciliation? Why can’t you just accept and appreciate that your wife and daughter have returned to your life, and focus on the future instead of being angry about the past?”
“Because I’m jealous,” Trevain admitted. He was quiet for a moment, allowing this confession to hover in the air. “I’m jealous that an important part of Aazuria and Varia’s life was taken from me like that. I was excluded from their world, and I can never share that with them.”
“Aha!” the doctor said, snapping his fingers. He began to scribble in his notebook so viciously that it was a wonder smoke did not rise from the burning pages. “Now we’re gett
ing somewhere. Excluded from their world… can never share part of their lives… this is important!”
Trevain nodded, looking at his daughter sadly. “I’ll always be the outsider in this family.”
Varia shook her head violently. “Is that how you feel? It’s not true. I’m sorry if I made you feel that way.”
“You don’t even like me, Varia.”
“I—I do. I do love you, Father. I’ve just been upset,” Varia said softly. “I know it’s wrong, but I blamed you for everything. You couldn’t protect my mom from being abducted. You couldn’t save her from being killed by Emperor Zalcan. I know you worked really hard to try to bring her back to life, but I still blamed you. I thought, what’s the point of having a wonderful, nice father if he’s useless? He’ll never be able to protect me or anyone I love. I have to focus on making myself strong so I can protect myself.”
Trevain gulped and began speaking. “I’m so sorry, Varia—”
“No,” Aazuria interjected. “It was not his fault. He always tried his best.”
“I know!” Varia said angrily. “I just couldn’t help feeling that way. I’ve been so angry since you died, Mother. I’ve had difficulty caring about anything that happens anymore. Everyone else went on living just fine. And when you woke up, everyone else was so happy, as though you weren’t even gone for a day. But you were gone for so many days; I counted them. And each day changed me into a slightly more bitter and hateful person. That’s who I am now, and I can’t do anything about it. I’m sorry.”
“Why do you think you’re bitter and hateful, Varia?” the doctor asked.
Varia thought about it for a moment, looking around the room in confusion. “I had to force myself to accept that she was gone. That she was never coming back. That was the hardest thing I ever had to face. And then I was wrong. You would think that would give me hope, and make me believe in miracles, but it only makes me afraid. How can I force myself to accept that she’s here and that everything’s okay? Once I accept it, I will be wrong again. It will change again. So I float somewhere in the middle of every scenario. I try to be prepared for the possibility of anything; the possibility that I could lose both of my parents, and that I would have to be responsible for Adlivun. I keep the likelihood of that happening always in the back of my mind.”
“I see,” said Dr. Rosenberg, nodding in fascination. “Well, Varia—we will have to work on that. All those reservations and qualms, using your head to restrain your heart from being happy—you’re a lot like your mother.”
“Thank you, Doctor,” Varia said graciously. “My mother is the best person I know, and I want to be more like her.”
“I’ve made so many mistakes, dearest,” Aazuria said softly. “You will be far better than me.”
“Well!” The doctor rubbed his hands together. “I think you’ll all be interested to know that I have made a breakthrough. I have a genius idea that will help you all to move forward and let the past rest behind you. Trevain has inspired me with his words.”
“What did I say?” Trevain asked curiously.
“It’s quite simple,” the doctor said cheerfully, the excitement radiating from his face in a visible glow. He held up a finger as if calling attention to the idea that was floating in the air around them like a tangible substance. “You want to share the part of your wife and daughter’s lives that was taken from you. You are jealous of being excluded, and so we must include you. We must show you what you missed, and you must feel what they felt. We must go there.”
Varia sat up in her chair very suddenly, leaning forward in wonder. “Do you mean to say—”
“Yes,” said the doctor triumphantly. “So that Queen Aazuria and Princess Varia can revisit this place and time in their history—so they can collect the part of themselves that they left in that tiny cabin at the bottom of the world—and so that they can finally close the door and move forward into the brave new world that awaits them, we must return to Antarctica. And I promise, Trevain, that when we leave, you will feel a bit more included in their lives.”
Aazuria’s usually calm face displayed how stricken she was at this concept. “You want us to go back…” As she repeated it out loud, trying to process the proposition, she knew at once that it was necessary. Just from the blazing, screaming alarms of terror that began sounding in her chest, she knew that she needed to face it one final time in order to conquer her dread. Turning to look at Trevain, she saw that his expression resembled the way she felt. She nodded. “Yes. I’ll go.”
“Excellent!” said the doctor gladly. “This will be superb. Difficult, but rewarding.”
Varia was sitting on the edge of her chair, gripping the cushions tightly with her fingers. “Can Glais come along?” she asked in a whisper. “Please.”
The doctor hesitated. “I’m not sure we should share this experience with too many people. I feel that your home in Antarctica was sacred for you Varia, and we should keep it special in allowing only your father to see it. It will be like letting him into a private room partitioned off in a corner of your mind. It should be a family affair.”
Trevain saw how his daughter’s face fell in disappointment, and he reached out to pat her knee reassuringly. “Hey, kiddo. Don’t worry; of course Glais can join us! He is family.”
Aazuria looked at Trevain thankfully. It was moments like these that she remembered how much she used to feel toward this man. He had never been stingy with his love, always eager to open his heart and home to a stranger. She had once been one of those strangers. If it were not for his devoted pressure, and his willingness to overcome all obstacles to be with her, they never would have become family. Despite all that had happened, she had never once regretted her decision to love him.
Chapter 9: Part of Her World
“It looks different than it does on the maps,” Glais commented as he stared through the window of the plane. “It looks so… big. I’ve never seen so much ice.”
“For a while, I thought that all the land, everywhere, looked like this,” Varia said quietly. “I was so stupid. When I first saw how many people there are in a city, I was so terrified.”
“People are pretty terrifying,” Glais agreed, leaning across her to put his face near the glass. “Gee, look at how pure it is, Vari. It feels like a different planet down here; I can see why you liked it.”
“I used to have time to think,” she told him. “I could imagine things, dream about things. The way the world was in my mind ended up being so much better than it really is. Now, I have every minute of the day scheduled for me. Now I have guards outside my bedroom tweeting about me. It’s so great being a royal princess. Yay.”
Glais nodded. “Well, maybe for a few minutes, while we’re down here, we can relax. We can take a breather, and listen to ourselves think. And it will be super private. No one to tweet about you, and even if there was someone and he tried, there wouldn’t be any cell service. Kind of like a camping trip! We’re getting away from it all.”
Varia smiled. Glancing over at her parents and the psychiatrist, she saw that Trevain was sleeping while Aazuria and the doctor were reading. She adjusted herself in her seat so that she could whisper in Glais’ ear. “My tattoo is finally healed. It looks so pretty! Thank you so much.”
Feeling his cheeks flush, Glais turned to her with insecurity in his eyes. “Are you sure? You really like it? I was so worried I wouldn’t do a good job.”
“I love it,” she assured him. “I’m glad you did it instead of someone else.”
“Can I see?” he asked shyly.
She glanced to the front of the plane where her parents were and she nodded. Shifting in her seat, she slid her shirt up her back a few inches to reveal her inked skin. Glais reached out tentatively to skim his fingers along the edges of the design.
“Whoa, that’s awesome,” he said. “I can’t believe I drew that.”
“Why not? You’re really good.”
“But it’s on you,” he whispered, “forever
.”
“Does that seem like a long time to you?” she asked curiously, peering back over her shoulder.
“Yeah. I know it’s only a couple hundred years at most,” he told her as his fingertips grazed over the lines of ink along her spine. “Do you think we’ll still know each other, even when you’re all wrinkly and the tattoo gets faded? Maybe you’ll even get fat.”
“Fat?” Varia said in surprise. “Shut up. You’re going to get fat.”
They were interrupted by the psychiatrist clearing his throat above them, and Varia nervously pulled the back of her shirt down while Glais jumped away from her. Both teenagers tried to awkwardly pretend that the doctor had not seen the tattoo.
“Well,” said Dr. Rosenberg, giving them a knowing look which silently communicated that he would not spill their secret. “We just started our descent, kids. We’re going to be landing in a few minutes, so… buckle up.”
“Yes, Dr. Rosenberg,” Varia said politely as she fastened the belt around her hips. She gave the man a sweet and obedient smile.
He looked at her suspiciously before turning to walk away, and moving back to the adults.
“I swear to Sedna’s pantyhose,” Glais muttered, “your father is going to kill me.”
Varia shrugged. “Maybe he should try. At least then you’d actually get a good fencing lesson in learning to defend yourself.”
“Do you like to see me get hurt?” Glais asked with a groan. “Is that why you’re always getting me into trouble?”
“Physically, yes,” she answered with a smile. “It’s kind of funny. But don’t worry; I haven’t even begun getting you into real trouble yet.”
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