by Leddy Harper
“Welcome to Cape Security, how can I help you?” the young, buxom woman asked from her seat behind a massive desk outside the elevator banks.
I tapped my fingers against my thigh, nervous flutters spreading through me. “I need to see Nolan Richards, please.”
“Do you have an appointment?”
I shook my head, not trusting my unstable voice to come out properly. The longer I stood there, the worse my panic became until I was left with the sensation of choking.
“I’m sorry, but Mr. Richards meets by appointment only. I can help you schedule one if you’d like.” The woman seemed nice, but I wasn’t about to let her stand in the way of me and my retribution. This had been building over the last couple of days, and I wouldn’t let anyone get in the way of the justice needing to be served.
I slowly began to back away, and then darted down the long corridor, hoping the doors had nameplates on them. Her voice rang out behind me, reiterating that Nolan didn’t see walk-ins, but I ignored her.
I picked up the pace in case she came after me. Without a care in the world that he could be in the middle of a meeting or have guards surrounding him, I frantically searched for his office. I had something to say, and no amount of protection would keep him safe from my wrath.
Finally, at the end of the hallway, I found a silver plate etched with the name “Nolan Richards.” Before I allowed my fear or panic to halt my actions, I turned the handle and pushed through the door. I stopped dead in my tracks, causing the receptionist to run into my back.
“I’m so sorry, Mr. Richards, I tried to tell her—”
“It’s quite all right, Tanya.” Nolan cut her off and rose from his chair, buttoning his coat before walking around the large oak desk. “She’s okay. I’ve been expecting her.”
Time stood still.
Sounds vanished around me.
And thoughts fled my mind.
I didn’t register Tanya’s response, nor did I realize she had left, closing the door behind her, trapping me in the room with the boy who had shattered my life. No…not boy. He most certainly was not a boy anymore.
Nolan had on a suit, and he looked as if he’d come straight out of a GQ magazine. His hair—which used to be shaggy—had darkened to an almost black color over the years, and he wore it short, cut closely to his scalp. He had always been tall, but he seemed to have added about forty pounds of muscle mass, distributed evenly throughout his entire body. His arms, chest, and shoulders filled out his suit quite nicely, and I attempted to stop gawking.
But I couldn’t. Nolan most definitely wasn’t the same kid from high school.
Not at all.
My gaze roamed the smooth skin on his face. His eyes were still the familiar hazel that had haunted my dreams over the years, except they seemed to have lost all the luster they once held. Other than the slight humor I noticed in them as he peered at me, they were lifeless and dull.
Emotionless.
“You’ve surprised me, Novah. Although I had expected you’d come here, I didn’t think it would’ve been this soon.” His deep voice flooded the air around me and filled me with…
Hatred?
Lust?
Disgust?
Desire?
Whatever it was, I didn’t want it. The thought of falling into the same trap I had found myself in fifteen years ago didn’t appeal to me. All I cared about was being vindicated and making it out alive.
Intact.
Whole.
“The sooner the better. This way, I can walk away and never have to deal with you again.” My hands shook around the file I clutched in my grasp, but my words came out calm and direct.
“Then by all means, show me what you have.” He moved away from me and gestured to a long conference-like table against the far wall.
I hesitantly followed behind him, attempting to get a firm hold on my increasingly erratic nerves. When he stopped and turned toward me, I placed the folder on the table and waited for him to pick it up.
“I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this, but I will anyway. You do not hold the rights to these copies, and I’ll be taking them with me when I leave. I only brought them here to show you.”
“I paid you.”
“You paid me to take the photos, yet I still hold the rights to them. And I am not going to—nor will I ever—sign them over to you,” I said with authority edged by distain.
He quietly observed the photos in his hands, not once turning his attention to me. I thought he’d flip through them quickly, dismissively, yet he didn’t. He studied each one with narrowed eyes and pursed lips. What I wouldn’t give to know his thoughts as he carefully scrutinized print after print.
“So, tell me, Novah.” He closed the file and casually placed it back on the table with indifference. “How disgusted were you when they came into your office?”
“Are you serious right now? I’m disgusted standing here, in front of you. Nothing about those people disgusted me.” No matter how hard I fought to keep my composure, I lost. My voice rose and my fists balled at my sides in anger.
His head tilted to the side, observing my reaction with intense curiosity. “A woman missing an ear, a boy so depressed he refuses to take care of himself, a man missing two legs—which I see he kept on the prosthetics—and a guy without an arm…none of that bothered you?”
“Not at all. Regardless of what you see, I saw them as unique, strong fighters. People with history. Beautiful people. You’re the hideous one, judging others based on appearance alone.”
“You’re lying,” he accused with clipped words. “You’re only telling me what you think I should hear. It’s not how you really feel.”
“Oh, it’s not? Please, Mr. Richards, tell me how I really feel. Since you apparently know me so well.”
He took a step toward me, closing the gap between us, and my heart skipped a beat. “You pity them. You’re sad for them. You saw people whose bodies have been altered due to gruesome circumstances, and you wanted to make them better. You think I don’t know you? The Novah I remember never wore makeup. She never styled her hair other than to throw it up in a ponytail. And she never wore designer clothes. Face it, you’re no better than anyone else now. You stand here with your salon styled hair, painted face, and expensive clothes, trying to prove how you’re better than me. You’re not better than me, Novah.”
I wanted to scream and argue, but I couldn’t. Over the years, in order to be professional, I had changed my appearance. I began to fit into society’s mold of perfection. But he was wrong about one thing.
“Yes, I wanted them to feel better about themselves because no one should hate the way they look. No one. I believe everyone should be comfortable in their own skin. But I do not pity them. And the only sadness I have for them is over someone like you thinking they’re so ugly I wouldn’t be able to illustrate anything appealing in them. People like you are disgraceful. You should be ashamed of yourself. People like you make me sick.”
I grabbed the file off the table and spun on my heels to walk away, but his firm grasp on my arm halted my steps. It filled me with rage and warmth all at the same time.
“Take my picture,” he whispered in my ear from behind. “If you think I’m so repulsive, take my picture. Find my beauty.”
Four
I turned back around, ready to slap him across his face, but his expression stopped me. His eyes were wide and bright, staring painfully into mine. His fingers twitched against my upper arm, yet his posture remained tight and rigid.
“Are you kidding me right now?”
“I’ll pay you anything. Name a figure.”
“I don’t want your fucking money.”
“Then what will it take?” he asked as he finally released his grip on me. He took a step back and ran a hand over his short hair before dragging his fingers down his face.
I shouldn’t have said anything. I should’ve simply refused his offer and walked away, but something in his eyes made me continue.
“I want an apology.”
“For what?”
I blinked a few times, hoping I had heard him wrong, but his sincerely confused expression convinced me I hadn’t. “Seriously? For what? How about for taking something from me fifteen years ago? How about for spreading inappropriate pictures of me around school and ruining my reputation? How about for hurting me more than any other person has ever hurt me before? Take your pick, Nolan.”
“That’s what you want? I apologized fifteen years ago. I’ve fucking paid the price for it already, Novah! But if another apology is what you want, then fine. I’ll do it.”
“No. You never apologized to me. You read me a letter your daddy typed up for you. You said the proper things to convince a roomful of people to turn the other way while your father cleaned up your mess.” My entire body shook from adrenaline, rage, and pent-up hostility. “Not once did you ever genuinely apologize for anything you did to me. I want to hear you say it, and I want you to mean every fucking word.”
His gaze avoided mine while his chest heaved with every strained breath. After long seconds, he finally looked into my eyes and took two steps closer to me.
“You said I took something from you… What do you mean?”
I swallowed hard, straining to push my saliva past the lump in my throat. “You were the first guy to ever touch me. The first one to ever see me or do anything like that to me. It was my first experience, and it wasn’t a good one.”
“I’m sorr—”
“No!” I put my hand on his chest to stop him from moving closer. “I’m not done. You have no idea what happened back then because you left. You didn’t hang around to see the looks. Hear the vicious rumors. I allowed you to see me. You! And in a matter of a few days, everyone saw me. Humiliation doesn’t even begin to describe what it was like walking through those halls for four years. That’s what you took from me.”
“Then I’m sorry, but I can’t give you the apology you’re looking for. Not for taking something from you. I can only apologize for how it turned out. I can’t take the blame for the pictures being spread around, but I can take the responsibility and apologize for my part in your reputation being ruined. And I can sincerely tell you how unbelievably sorry I am for hurting you. I never wanted to hurt you.”
“You don’t get it, Nolan. You’ll never get it.” I shook my head in disgust. There was no use explaining things to a brick wall. He’d never understand the turmoil he’d unleashed in my life.
“Trust me, I get it more than you think. Just because I didn’t have to deal with it for four years in high school doesn’t mean I don’t walk around every fucking day with my own humiliation.”
So many confusing questions rattled off in my head. I didn’t even know where to begin before opening my mouth and responding. “Why can’t you take the blame for spreading them?”
“Because I didn’t do it!” His sudden outrage startled me. “I already told you. I told everyone, but no one believed me. I. Didn’t. Do. It.”
“You took them, Nolan! You did! You had them in your possession. How else could they have gotten into everyone’s lockers?” I couldn’t contain my own anger. Words roared out of me with years of restrained frustration.
“Yes, I took the pictures.” He shuffled closer and clutched my shoulders. His face loomed above mine. “Which is why I had to take the blame. Legally, I was an adult, and you weren’t. So in the end, how they got out for the world to see never mattered, because I was the one who took them in the first place.”
“You still didn’t answer my question, Nolan. How did they get out if it wasn’t you?” My words came out in a whisper, breathlessly falling from my lips.
“Some of the guys from the team came over that weekend. I had the prints on my desk. I didn’t even think about it. Most of the prints were of the flowers for our project, so I didn’t think to hide them.”
“Why did you develop them in the first place?”
His hands fell away from me, then he backed up and turned around. I wanted to move, but I found myself frozen in place. My breathing ceased as I anxiously awaited the answers I never thought I’d get. The real truth from his mouth instead of the words he’d read to me so long ago.
As the seconds dragged on, the air in his office became stiff—thick and heavy. My nerves were so fried I worried I’d start crying if I had to wait much longer. And crying in front of him wasn’t an option.
“I wanted them, okay? I know you don’t believe me, but I really liked you back then. I never intended to kiss you, let alone go down on you. I hadn’t even planned to take your picture. But once I had you in front of me…I couldn’t let you go. And I needed those pictures to remind me of the experience, to remind me I’d finally gotten you, even if it was only for a few minutes. You were mine in those photos.”
The room began to rotate and shift due to the lack of oxygen to my brain.
I couldn’t breathe.
I couldn’t think.
I couldn’t move.
“You didn’t even know who I was. You were Nolan Richards, son of US Senator Douglas Richards. Star quarterback of the high school football team. You caught the attention of every girl in school. I don’t believe for one second you wanted me—Novah Johnson, invisible freshman. The loner with only two friends. The girl who ate lunch alone in the courtyard. Why would you?”
His feet carried him farther away until he reached the wall of windows overlooking the canal behind the building. He pressed his forehead to the windowpane and took a deep breath. “You used to twirl your hair when you concentrated on something. For some reason, every Friday you wore the color purple, and you always wore flip-flops no matter what the weather was like outside. If you sat next to a window, you always stared outside, lost in a daydream. And whatever you dreamed about, I always knew it was something good because you’d smile to yourself. Derek Matula sat in front of you in photography, and even though everyone knew he smelled like bad BO, you always sniffed your shirt every time he sat down. I more than noticed you.”
The only reason I knew I had started to cry was because when Nolan turned around to face me, his figure became fuzzy around the edges. His words all true. Every single thing he said was honest.
But I had no idea if they were genuine.
“I didn’t lie all those years ago when I told you how beautiful I thought you were. I meant it then. And I mean it now. No matter what you think of me, you’re still the most stunning woman I’ve ever seen. You’ve grown up, and even though I didn’t think it possible, you’ve become even more impressive.”
My inner voice yelled loudly in my head, reminding me of what had happened the last time I chose to believe him.
I couldn’t go through it again. Nolan Richards was a sweet-talker. He could convince a nun to disrobe and let him have his way with her.
A real Casanova.
“If what you’re saying is true, why didn’t you ever tell me? You knew you could’ve had any girl you wanted, so if you wanted me, how come you never asked me out?” I knew my question would catch him in his lie.
“I didn’t care about the attention. I played football because I loved the game and I wanted to play in a big stadium one day. I wanted to get to the pros. The attention just followed me, whether I wanted it or not. I envied you. I was jealous of how you could so easily go to school every day, do your work, keep to yourself, and then leave. It was exactly what I wanted for myself. But I also knew if I went after you, you wouldn’t have the luxury of being invisible anymore. And I didn’t want you to change. The last thing I wanted was for you to conform to the rest of the girls in school in order to fit in.”
“That’s bullshit,” I uttered before he could get out another word. “You think you were so special I would’ve changed who I was?”
“You came to school Monday and your hair was styled. You even wore makeup. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t have changed had I gone after you.”
What he said wasn’t a lie. I’d spent all weekend
thinking about seeing him and rehearsing what I would say when I ran into him in the hallway. I had obsessed about how I would act in the classes we had together, and if I would make the first move or wait for him to do it. And then on Monday morning, I’d woken up extra early and dressed in the outfit I’d carefully picked out. I had styled my hair in curls, burning my fingers a few times on the curling iron, and had even applied a little makeup.
Only to wish I’d never gotten out of bed.
“It doesn’t change what happened.”
“No. It doesn’t,” he agreed. “And for that I sincerely apologize. Every day for the last fifteen years, I’ve done nothing but wish it had turned out differently.” He stopped directly in front of me, leaning over slightly to bring his face closer to mine. “Every damn day.”
“I don’t understand. Why has it taken you this long then? You clearly had no problems finding me…getting my phone number and email address. You could’ve reached out at any time. You could’ve told me this already instead of making me live half my life angry over those horrible memories.”
“I couldn’t. I’ve only been back here for six months. And I didn’t know how to reach out to you. It’s not as simple as you make it sound. You’re not the same person you were in high school…and neither am I.” His sincerity grew more restrained, as if holding back his emotions, stoning them.
I hated hearing him point out how I wasn’t the same person. Because I was. So what if I wore fancier clothes and makeup, and styled my hair every day? And I may have grown colder over the years, starting that fateful morning in high school and continuing through many men like Nolan, but beneath it all, I was still the same person.
“So we got a deal?” His soft features turned rigid as he made his way back to his desk. All the warmth had vanished from his voice. All the softness had hardened in his eyes. The boy had once again transformed into the cold man before me.
“I don’t even understand what the deal is, Nolan.” I spoke with the same harshness he had given me. “You want me to find something special in you, even though I don’t think you have anything. And who’s to judge? You wouldn’t admit it even if I did succeed. So is there a clear winner, or would we walk away with a difference of opinions?”