Beautiful Boy

by Leddy Harper

  She placed her hand on my arm, bringing my attention back to her scrutinizing gaze. “Don’t be upset with her. She’s a strong woman—probably the strongest I know—but it doesn’t mean she is incapable of struggling with things.”

  “I make her struggle with things?”

  She laughed and glanced back to the door. “Yes. And I think it’d be wise for you realize this.”

  “Can you tell me what she struggles with?”

  Her tongue peeked out and wetted her lips before she ducked her head, blocking my ability to fully see her expression. “No.” She glanced back up at me, and her onyx eyes had softened tremendously. “That’s something you have to see for yourself. I’m not going to play the hard-ass best friend and tell you if you hurt her, I’ll gut you. But I will give you some advice. Whatever this is, whatever demons you’re battling, affects more than you. Novah cares about you, which is nothing you don’t already know. But you should keep your eyes open around her. She’s invested in you, and with any investment, it can take a toll on a person.”

  I had so many questions I wanted to ask, but I couldn’t speak. Worries and fears swirled around in my head until they merged, twisted, and became nothing but a muddled black mess.

  “Come on. Let’s get inside before Novah finds us out here chatting. She wouldn’t be very happy about it.”

  “Oh, so she can chat with you all she wants about me, but we can’t have a conversation behind her back?” It was a joke, meant to tease her, but from the way she arched her eyebrow and blinked slowly at me, I could tell the humor was lost on her.

  “You have much to learn about women, grasshopper. And I suggest you learn quickly.”

  “Any tips, oh wise one?”

  My jest earned a smile from her. At least she understood some humor. “All you have to do is watch her. I know you’ve been through a lot, and maybe your sight is a little clouded with grief and pain…but just focus on her. She tells the world her feelings through her eyes. That’s all you need to know.”

  Then she turned around and headed toward the door, leaving me to follow behind. Why are women so damn confusing?

  “Hey! You made it!” Novah met us as we walked inside, and the moment my eyes landed on her, the entire world stopped spinning and gravity no longer existed.

  I always knew she was the most beautiful woman in the world—past and present, and I’d safely bet the future, too—but I swear, she had this insane ability to become even more stunning every day. She wasn’t as dressed down as I’d seen her the last two times, but she wasn’t dressed up by any means, either. Her denim shorts were frayed around her thighs with the material of the pockets hanging lower. Instead of a T-shirt, she wore a tank top and didn’t bother to hide the straps of her bra over her shoulders. It wasn’t a low-cut tank that revealed cleavage, and it hung loosely on her, but it was the sexiest thing ever. Simple, yet more flattering to her body than anything I’d ever seen her wear before.

  “You ready for some fun?” she asked excitedly, snapping me out of my lust-filled observations of her attire.

  “What are we doing?” My voice was rough, as if all my saliva decided to thickly coat each word, and I had to clear my throat.

  Shari ran to the room in the back where the office was while Novah pulled me aside. Her bright eyes met mine with a gleam, like she had some sort of internal light that lit them up brighter than a burning star—a supernova. Excitement burned within her, and I couldn’t stop it from infiltrating me, leaving my body buzzing with the contagious energy.

  “What’s going on, Novah?”

  “So…do you remember how we talked last weekend about finding something to make you happy?”

  I nodded. How could I forget? It’d been on my mind all week and left a cloud of frustration dangling over my head. I’d spent nights staring up at my ceiling, contemplating what used to make me happy and trying to find some small sliver of optimism in anything I had come up with, yet I found nothing. It’d left me feeling like a failure, and darkening my mood each and every day until hopelessness owned me.

  “Well, this may sound stupid, but I thought it could be fun. And all I ask of you is to just try to enjoy yourself, okay?”

  I laughed at her nervousness and realized it was my first real laugh in quite some time. “Are you going to tell me what you planned? Or just force me to make blind promises?”

  “That night at the junkyard, you told me you used to love taking pictures. You were amazing at it in school, and I just so happen to be a photographer with my very own equipment and space.”

  “You want me to take pictures?” I had to admit, the idea didn’t sound like fun at all. Having a camera around Novah would more than likely lead me back down the dreaded rabbit hole to the cause of all my misery. And that I didn’t want.

  “Hear me out before you say no. I thought we could go out back, behind the studio, and goof off. Have some fun with the camera. It’s a beautiful day out, and the sun might do us some good. What do you say?” Her fingers twisted in front of her stomach, showing the anxiety her eyes hid. Her smile was hopeful and her posture screamed determination, yet her fingers gave it all away.

  Shari had been right…all I had to do was watch her in order to see the honesty she’d never share otherwise.

  “So you just want us to go out back and take a bunch of pictures of what? Trees and flowers? The sun? I’ll do it, but I’m going to be honest with you, Novah, it doesn’t sound like fun. Maybe relaxing, or soothing… When I hear ‘fun,’ I think laughing. Or at the very least, smiling.”

  “Well, this was actually Shari’s idea.”

  Before I could ask what she’d meant by that, her friend came bounding out of the office in a purple bathing-suit-looking thing with a pair of bright-yellow spandex pants. White socks scrunched around her ankles and were paired with white Keds on her feet. Sweatbands adorned both wrists, along with one on her forehead, and her hair was pulled back in a ponytail on top of her head. If her attire didn’t scream eighties, then the bright-blue eyeshadow certainly did.

  My stomach rumbled, and then my chest vibrated. Before I knew it, my cheeks ached, and that’s when I heard the roaring laughter fill the room—my laughter.

  “What is this?” I asked, glancing between a smiling Novah and a very excited Shari.

  “It’s a photo challenge,” Shari began, bouncing on the balls of her feet like a child in a candy store. “I’ve always wanted to be a model, but I think I missed my time. The eighties were a way better era for style. You two are going to be my photographers, and when we’re done, I’m going to pick the best picture.”

  I shook my head, my laughter easing up enough to speak. “I don’t have a camera. And I haven’t taken a picture in years.”

  “I have a camera you could use,” Novah offered with a hopeful grin spread on her hesitant face. “What do you say? It could be fun.”

  My idea of fun certainly wasn’t taking pictures of Novah’s friend while she pranced around the yard like a fairy, but I could tell it meant a lot to her, so I gave in.

  I pushed down every worry over getting behind a camera again. Not because I had some sort of traumatic stress or anxiety that became fueled by a camera, but because it had once been something I loved. Capturing a moment in time—even something as insignificant as the wind blowing through a tree—was surreal to me. Like I’d trapped a piece of history on film. And I feared experiencing that again would only make me want it more, and I couldn’t afford the yearning it might offer.

  I shrugged and nodded, incapable of turning her down. I could tell this meant a lot to Novah, and I didn’t want to upset her by declining her offer. Not to mention, she’d been right—it could be fun. When it came to letting go and being free, enjoying life and the people in it, I wasn’t the expert. I’d never possessed the ability to relax and enjoy anything around me. And those thoughts, the gloomy memories of my past, weighed on me while we went outside and took pictures.

  The space behind the stu
dio was impressive. It was large and filled with well-maintained nature. In one corner, there were three low-hanging trees with red blooms. I didn’t know what kind they were, but they reminded me of a swamp with the way they drooped and offered heavy shade. On the other side, weathered Adirondack chairs sat in the rich green grass accompanied by short, dwarf-looking palm trees which grew at an angle instead of straight up. All around the yard were various flowers and shrubbery, random areas of shade, and thick grass worthy of a picnic blanket. It was truly an outdoor photographer’s dream.

  Shari struck random and off-the-wall poses while Novah laughed. Her camera remained steadily in front of her face; she only pulled it away briefly to check the screen. Digital cameras were not new to me, but digital SLR cameras were. I wasn’t used to taking a photo and then immediately being able to see it, so I never bothered to look at the screen between takes. I simply pointed and clicked, sometimes rapidly, other times waiting until I had the right shot.

  It’s amazing how you can put something away for years, only to pick it back up and it seems like no time had passed between. Like a bike. That’s how the camera was for me. Granted, the dials and settings were different from what I’d been used to back when I was a kid, but the function was still the same. So while Shari goofed off and Novah encouraged her dramatic poses, my mind drifted while my fingers and eyes worked on autopilot.

  “Are you purposely trying to ruin me?” My dad paced the living room with his fists on his hips, his steps pounding into the carpet. Even with the heavy padding beneath his feet, the stomping could be heard.

  “No, sir.” It didn’t matter what I had to say, because he’d never listen. So I had no choice but to give the automatic reply and let him finish his lecture.

  “How exactly did you think it would look for a senator’s son to spread nearly naked photos of a teenage girl around school? Did you think you wouldn’t get caught? Did you think just because your face isn’t in the picture, you’d somehow get away with it?”

  “No, sir.”

  “Then what in the hell were you thinking?” He stopped pacing and stood in front of me, his face dark red and his brown eyes turning almost black as he stared at me, waiting for an answer.

  “I didn’t spread the pictures.” It was the only defense I had, because in truth, when I’d taken them, I never once expected this to be the result.

  “Did you take them?”

  “Yes, sir.” I already knew where this was headed.

  “Did you develop them?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Are you eighteen, and a legal adult?”

  “Yes, sir,” I said with a huff of air.

  “Is she fifteen—a child?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Then let me tell you something, son. That is a crime. At any point, from when you took the first picture to when you developed the last, did you even once think about what you were doing?”

  Honestly, the answer was no. I never thought about the consequences or the law, because to me, Novah wasn’t a fifteen-year-old girl and I wasn’t a legal adult. She was simply someone who made me feel different, and around her, I became a real person without an age. There was nothing criminal about the way she made me feel. And not once did I ever expect anyone else to see those prints. They were for me and me alone.

  “Answer me!” He took a step closer, getting in my face as he shouted. His breath blew against my cheek and lit a fire inside.

  I stood up and puffed my chest out, hoping to exude some amount of confidence. I’d never stood up to him this way, but I wasn’t about to let him beat me down any more.

  “I didn’t spread the pictures. I never took them to school or showed them to anyone. They were of a private moment between me and her, and they were meant to stay that way.”

  “If that’s the case, Nolan, then you should’ve never taken the pictures to begin with. Christ!” His hands flailed in the air as he stepped back and turned away from me. “You’ve grown up in this house, knowing exactly how things from your past can come back to haunt you later. I’m in politics, for crying out loud! It’s what we do! We dig up pictures and comments, videos and scandals about our opponents and use them to tarnish their name. How could you possibly think this wouldn’t turn around to bite you in the ass?”

  “I didn’t think—”

  “Exactly! You didn’t think! For such a smart kid, you can really be fucking stupid.”

  “Doug, that’s enough,” my mom said from her seat on the other couch. “You’re upset, and it’s understandable, but there’s no need to be nasty.”

  My dad glared at her before turning his hate-filled eyes toward me. “If I can’t salvage this, and it ruins my career, you’ll see nasty, and this little conversation will seem mild compared to what will happen.”

  If I thought about it, I could probably come up with a handful of times my dad had been truly mad at me. Most of the time, he was simply indifferent. When he was home, he’d lock himself in his office or in his room with my mom. He ruled the house with a stern look and silent demands I knew better than to question, so seeing him like this put the fear of God in me.

  “What are you going to do to salvage this?” My voice was low, fearful of what his answer would be.

  “Well, we have a meeting tomorrow at school with the principal and this girl’s family. You will apologize and then say nothing else. You will leave everything up to me. Hopefully, pulling you out of school for the rest of the year will be enough to make this go away.”

  “Pull me out of school? Dad! It’s senior year!”

  “Don’t worry, you’ll graduate. You can still get credit for studies done at home instead of at school.”

  “What about college?”

  He shook his head and looked to the ground, wrapping his white knuckles around the back of his neck. “I’m up for reelection in two years. And I’ve discussed with your mother about running for president in four. There will be a lot of campaigning and politics surrounding me during that time, and we think it’s best for you to not be in the middle of it.”

  I turned to my mother, watching the way her fingers fidgeted with the edge of her skirt, her gaze refusing to meet mine. Panic struck me deep and forced my frantic breaths to heave in short, desperate pants. The edges of my vision darkened and my fingertips grew cold and prickly like they’d been stabbed with the sharp end of a thousand tiny needles.

  “What does that mean?” I whispered, keeping my stare focused on my mother. But she never responded or even looked my way.

  “You’re eighteen and legally able to do what you want, but your mother and I think it’d be best if you learned some discipline.” My father’s voice was harsh and deep, filled with anger—in complete contrast to my mom’s quiet and sad demeanor. “You clearly need it considering this stunt you’ve pulled. You need to learn responsibility and grow up a little. And we think the Army will be good for you.”

  My head snapped to him, shock forcing my jaw to hang open, practically unhinged. “The Army? You’re going to send me to the Army because I took a few pictures of a girl I really like? Pictures she gave me permission to take?”

  “That’s exactly my point, Nolan. You still don’t see anything wrong with what you’ve done. It was a crime, and yet here you are, continuing to defend it like you’re a casualty in this. That poor girl is the victim; you’re the monster who victimized her!”

  I hung my head, fighting back the tears threatening to consume me when I pictured Novah and the things she now had to endure because of me.

  “You will give me your camera, all your film, the pictures you’ve developed, and you’ll never touch them again. You’ll turn your closet back into a closet and get rid of everything associated with the darkroom you’ve turned it into. It’s about time you grow up and become the man you were meant for and stop wasting your time with foolish things like cameras and pictures that’ll lead you nowhere.”

  “Okay…I think I have more than enough.” Novah’s
sweet and laughter-filled voice caught my attention. “What about you, Nolan? Do you think you have enough?”

  The camera in my hand suddenly grew heavy, weighted down with the memory that had filled my head for however long we’d been outside.

  “Yeah.” I had no idea how many pictures I’d taken or how many of them had actually turned out, but it didn’t matter because I was done taking them and ready for it to end. It was no longer fun for me.

  Shari helped Novah off the ground and they both headed inside, leaving me to follow behind their excitement. I admired the way they seemed carefree and able to enjoy a simple day of laughter. But around them, I became like the flattened third wheel, the one that dragged them down and left their ride bumpy and painful. I needed to get away from them before I ruined everything—and I found the perfect excuse once we made it inside Novah’s office.

  “What are we doing now?” I asked, standing back while Novah sat down at her desk.

  “Now we edit. Shari will pick the best photo, and the winner gets dinner.” She turned and winked at me. “Technically, we’re both winners, because if I win, I’m taking you as my date. And if you win, you can take whoever you want, but if it’s not me, I’m going to warn you now I have full intentions of crashing your date.” She shrugged and smiled at her joke, and it offered a little light to my darkened mood.

  “That all sounds wonderful, but I have no idea how to edit these photos, Novah. I’ve never used a computer program for editing before. I’m used to old-fashioned film and a darkroom.”

  “It’s okay,” Shari said, bouncing into the room with a wide smile and jumping eyebrows. “I’m fantastic at editing. I’ve learned from the best. I’ll work on yours while Novah does whatever to hers, and then I’ll pick my favorite.”

  “No. That’s really not necessary. I’m sure Novah will win anyway. Just pick one of hers.”