by Leddy Harper
I cradled her face between my hands and lowered my forehead to hers. I needed to tell her something to ease her worry, but I wasn’t sure what to say. Admitting it’d been because of her orgasm would’ve been devastating to her, and I couldn’t do that.
So I said the only thing I could—the partial truth. “No. I’m just…I’m not used to that.”
“To what?” Her wide eyes met mine. She leaned away from me and read my expression like an open book.
I hated it.
I loved it.
I shook my head, hoping my next words formed correctly and made sense. “Being face to face with someone… I can’t…” A growl surfaced, proving how hard it was for me to explain without scaring her off.
“Talk to me.” She wouldn’t let it go, and my thoughts were too disorganized to come up with anything that would make sense. “Don’t shut me out, Nolan.”
The way she whispered my name did me in. It invaded me, consumed me, and left me with an ache deep inside my chest, reminiscent of an exploding bomb.
“I haven’t been able to…be intimate like this in a very long time. The only way I can is if I’m not facing the person.”
“Why?” I knew that’d be her question, and I wished I had a normal answer for her, but I didn’t. And the way she asked, the scratchiness of her voice, was enough to force me to answer her question.
I stared at her and let the words come out. “It’s hard to stop my mind from wandering when I’m being touched. The scar tissue prevents me from feeling anything. I mean…I can feel pressure, and a sensation of something touching me there, but it’s like I have ten layers of clothes on. Plus, I can’t stand the thought of being watched—scrutinized. My leg. My scars.”
Her eyes closed and her long exhale covered my skin. Then she dropped her chin and whispered, “I really wish you’d stop using your injuries as an excuse. You act like you’re incapable of doing things, when you’re more than capable of doing anything you want.”
“It’s not that…I just don’t want anyone to see them while we’re together. I don’t want you to see them.”
She tilted her head, studying me. “So facing me, with me touching you…kept you from getting off? You didn’t like it?”
How did I tell her I loved it? That even as strange as it was for me, I loved every second of being inside her, in front of her, her hands on me? How did I say that sort of thing without contradicting everything I’d just put out there? I couldn’t. The only thing I could do was shake my head and drop my gaze to the floor.
“What about a bed? Would that be easier?”
I shook my head harder, more adamantly. “No. It’s not practical with a metal rod for a leg—not to mention, uncomfortable. And taking it off isn’t a viable option. It’s too…personal, and I can’t do it.”
Novah took my hands and drew me one step closer, into the small space between us. Her eyes never left mine as she began to stroke my softening erection, bringing it back to life. And just when my eyes started to close, she turned around and leaned onto the table, offering herself to me.
“No, Novah. Don’t do this.”
Her spine straightened and she turned her head to peer at me over her shoulder. Her brow was tight and heavily creased. “If this is the only way you’re comfortable being with me, then I’m okay with it.”
I grabbed her hips, dug my fingers into her soft skin, and pulled her to my chest. Having her spine so close to my heart made it easier to say the things I needed to say.
“I can’t do that to you, Novah. I know what you did the last time we were like this. And I can’t do that to you again.”
Her posture stiffened.
“I know you didn’t…enjoy it. I could tell by the way you reacted tonight. But what I don’t know is why. Why did you make me believe you got off?” My whispered question was muffled by her hair just before I pressed a kiss to the back of her head. I needed her to know I wasn’t mad, and I didn’t hold it against her.
Her quiet voice floated through the air as she said, “It wasn’t what I expected.”
I wanted to turn her around, to see her vivid eyes when she spoke to me, but I couldn’t. Fear rooted me in place, and it seemed to do the same to her, as well.
Her shoulders slumped slightly and her head fell forward, away from me. “It was our first time together, Nolan. The very first time I fully gave myself to you. The time before, when I’d given you a piece of me, ended disastrously. So I automatically had some apprehension going into it. But then… I don’t know.”
She sniffled quickly before continuing, not giving me the chance to interrupt.
“Instead of acting like a man who’d just spilled his heart to someone, you acted like a boy who couldn’t wait to get off. Instead of treating me like someone you cared about, you made me feel like nothing more than a warm hole to stick it in. It wasn’t because what you were doing wasn’t good enough…I just couldn’t get out of my own head long enough to enjoy it.”
Her low, sad words penetrated my soul and stole my breath. The weight of it all made my forehead drop to her nape, and I had to fight to hold back the tears of pain threatening to break free.
“That’s how I made you feel?” My stomach curdled over her reason, which was worse than what I’d originally thought.
She finally turned around to face me, and then she slid her hands up my arms to my shoulders. She waited until my gaze met hers before speaking so soft, yet so serious, it made my heart hurt.
“I was against a desk, Nolan. Not in a bed. You weren’t making love to me, you were fucking me—from behind no less. I couldn’t see you…I couldn’t touch you. It was like I could’ve been anyone to you. I don’t want to be just anyone to you. You’re not just anyone to me; you’re everything.” Tears lined her lower lashes. They didn’t fall over the rims; they simply gathered there and held steady.
My body grew cold and hot at the same time, like I’d been thrown into a pool of ice water. I had no idea she’d felt that way, and my stomach soured even more at the thought of her keeping this to herself all week.
“W–why didn’t you say anything?”
“You weren’t physically hurting me, or violating me in any way. There was no need to say anything. And yes…I faked the orgasm. You needed me to get off so you could. But no matter how hard I tried to get there, I couldn’t.”
No man likes to hear how he is unable to get a woman off. It bruises our egos and leaves us feeling like less of a man.
For me, I already felt like less of a man.
Less of a person.
Hearing how I couldn’t satisfy Novah only solidified that self-deprecating thought. And she must’ve seen it in whatever expression I’d given her, because a sigh slid past her lips. Her hands moved to frame my face, forcing me to focus on her.
“Stop, Nolan. Whatever you’re thinking, stop. It was amazing—my inability to get off last week had nothing to do with your efforts. Clearly, because you just made me come harder than I’ve ever come before.”
I couldn’t move or speak as I digested her every word. I was humiliated—not for me, but for her—and the longer I stared into her softening eyes, the more disgusted with myself I became. I was with her…in her. I couldn’t fathom how I didn’t know something was off, couldn’t tell she was disconnected.
She ran her fingertips over my eyes, down my cheeks, to my lips, and then held them there as she commanded my attention with her forgiving gaze.
“Listen to me, Nolan. I don’t know what makes you tick, or why you need things a certain way. I don’t pretend to understand the things you do, and I’d never presume to. But for whatever reason, you needed me that way, and regardless of my feelings about it, I gave it to you. Just like I’d faked the orgasm, because you needed me to come. So I got off the only way I could—for you.” Her voice lowered even more when she added, “I’d do anything for you.” Then she kissed me with so much passion, all my blood ran to my rapidly growing erection.
“I
don’t want you to do that,” I said into her mouth. I opened my eyes once her lips left mine. “I don’t ever want you to sacrifice anything for me. I don’t deserve it.”
“You deserve everything, Nolan. One of these days, you’ll make love to me. I know that. You may not yet, but I do. And I’m willing to do whatever you need me to in the meantime.” She slid her hands to my bare chest. “I’m already yours, remember?”
I stared into her eyes, wanting nothing more than to tell her again that I love her. I wanted to see her reaction this time. But I couldn’t. The words turned into knots in my throat and choked me.
“Be with me, Nolan—anyway you can.”
I lifted her onto the table and fit between her legs again. I sucked her bottom lip into my mouth and then released it roughly. “Never—and I mean don’t ever—fake another orgasm with me. And if you need anything from me that I’m not giving you, sexual or otherwise, tell me. Do you understand?”
She breathed out her answer just as I slid back into her. And then I brought her to another body-shuddering orgasm before claiming my own.
With her hands on me.
Fifteen
It didn’t matter how many days came and went since that Saturday afternoon in my dining room. My body still buzzed with electricity every time I thought about it. And beyond the mind-altering orgasms he’d given me, he’d taught me a lot.
First, I learned how nothing regarding Nolan is predictable. Nothing. He’d proven that to me after his little test with his friends—which had given me insight into the real reasons he couldn’t find anything beautiful in the tragically disfigured. Our meeting in his office, our first “dinner” at his condo, and even the junkyard proved just how unpredictable he was. Anytime I’d relax and finally believe we were getting somewhere, he’d flip a switch and change the game on me.
Second, I learned how deep his insecurities ran. Just looking at him, you’d never guess. He came across as a strong yet quiet person who knew what he wanted and went after it. But that couldn’t have been further from the truth. Hearing about his inability to engage sexually in a normal manner helped me see how things would be with him. And I had to question if it would be enough for me. But I trusted Nolan, and I had faith he wouldn’t always be this damaged and would eventually open up.
Our biggest obstacle at the moment was his humiliation over his injuries—namely, his leg. It’s what kept him from fully relaxing around me. Even Saturday night after we’d had sex, he couldn’t partake in the kind of after-sex bonding most women preferred. I’d never needed it before, but with him, I did. Yet I couldn’t have it. It also prevented him from making love to me the way my heart longed for. But I knew in time, it’d happen. And that belief is what kept me grounded through the whole thing. I couldn’t focus on it too much, otherwise, I knew I’d end up pulling back, and that’s not what he needed.
But no matter what he’d taught me that day, it didn’t take away how I felt about him. And those feelings were only confirmed when he’d told me he loved me. Granted, I didn’t say it back, and I still hadn’t, but not because I didn’t believe the words to be true. I hadn’t said them because I knew if I did, everything would change. And until he found his place in this world, I couldn’t give in to change. I couldn’t allow myself to go there before I knew, without a doubt, he was ready for it.
I didn’t question his love for me. In fact, I believe I knew it before he even uttered those three words. It’d been in his expressions, his eyes when he gazed longingly at me, in his touches. Actions do speak louder than words. But just because I had an inkling about it doesn’t mean it hadn’t shocked me to have it confirmed. I was in no way prepared to hear that come from him so soon, mostly because he seemed to hold so much back from me all the time. But it had warmed my heart and soul.
I found a parking space in front of Nolan’s office building and grabbed the bag from the front seat before heading inside. An idea had come to me Sunday morning, but I hadn’t decided how to go about it until last night. I’d previously checked his schedule, and when I found out he’d be in his office all day today, I couldn’t find a reason to wait any longer, so on my lunch break, I headed up to his office to see him.
I walked right past the receptionist and down the hall to Nolan’s office. She muttered something, but I blocked it out. I’d been confident every step of the way until I found myself standing in front of his office door. His voice carried into the hallway, and I could only assume he had company…or was on the phone. My fist paused in the air, seconds away from rapping my knuckles on the hard wood. If he were on the phone, he wouldn’t be able to answer. However, if I just walked in and he had company, it would be rude. So I settled on knocking first, and then opening the door.
I hadn’t even fully walked into his office by the time he slammed the receiver down on the phone. His face burned with heated flames as he ran his fingers through his short hair.
It was obvious he didn’t know I was there, so I closed the door with slight force, which finally caught his attention. Then his eyes met mine, and I could physically see the tension fall away from his stiff posture.
That was the unspoken love he held for me.
“Moving from lunch texts to lunch visits?” he asked with a growing grin stretching across his face. Then his gaze moved to the bag over my shoulder and his brow creased. “What’s that?”
I didn’t have to tell him what it was; it was obvious. But I pulled the strap from my shoulder and walked to his desk before setting the black bag down on the edge. “It’s a present for you.”
“Novah…”
“Before you object, hear me out.” I waited until he relaxed in his seat, and then I moved around the desk to sit on the edge in front of him. “After hearing everything you had to say this weekend about cameras and pictures…I believe your disconnect stems from it. You’ve somehow separated yourself into two people, and the divide is the camera.”
“The divide is what happened because of the camera. Not the actual device itself.”
I held my hand up to silence him. “Regardless, it’s because of this.” I pointed behind me to the bag on the opposite edge of the desk. “And I believe the only way to bridge that gap is by putting a camera permanently back in your hands again.”
He shook his head and closed his eyes, as if he were exhausted by our conversation. “You don’t get it, Novah.”
“Oh, I think I get it perfectly fine. You’re the one who doesn’t get it, Nolan.” I added extra emphasis to the first syllable in his name, forcing his eyes to open and focus on me. “You told me taking pictures again reminded you of the boy you once were.”
“Yeah.” His interruptions began to irritate me, but I allowed him the time to finish his thought before I went on. “And it isn’t pleasant. Do you think having a reminder of exactly how shitty my life has turned out is a good thing?”
“That’s just it…you’re looking at it all wrong. You see the person you used to be—you’ve said it yourself…he was carefree. But instead of seeing him, all you do is compare that boy to the person in front of me right now. Stop comparing. I could look back on my former self from high school and compare her all day long to who I am today. Everyone can. It’s part of life. We grow up, we move on from our childhoods, we become adults. We make bad decisions from time to time. We fuck up and make mistakes. But guess what? We learn and accept. We adapt. And that’s your problem—you refuse to adapt.”
“I’ve adapted just fine, thank you.” He didn’t say it maliciously or rude. It was actually spoken rather sadly and it made my heart ache. His tortured eyes and sorrowful tone sank into my chest and left it raw as if his torment and sorrow lived inside me.
I placed my hands on his chest, crawled into his lap, and straddled his thighs so his eyes were level with mine. “You refuse to make love to me because you don’t know how to be with someone on a bed, using your leg as an excuse. I understand your hesitation to remove the prosthesis, and I’d never push you on
that issue. But you can’t even let go enough to see how it is possible.”
“I have a metal rod for a leg. I have no knee.”
I ran my hands down the front of his shirt to his belt buckle and unfastened it, and then I continued to work on the button and zipper as he stared at me in silence.
“You don’t need your knees when someone is riding you.” I balanced myself on the edge of his chair and pulled his pants down just enough to release him, and then I resituated myself on his lap. “It’s called adapting, Nolan.”
“Oh, is that what it’s called?” His words were airy and strained, which matched the desperate grip he had on my waist.
I tugged on the knot in his tie until it loosened enough for me to pull it off. Then I unbuttoned his shirt. “Yes…and so is allowing yourself to be seen.” Once I had his dress shirt fully opened, I worked on pushing his undershirt up, revealing his torso enough to explore it with my hands. “And touched.”
His breaths turned shaky and his nostrils flared. His eyes grew darker as his jaw clenched, his muscles ticking beneath the short hairs on his face. I couldn’t tell if it was restraint caused by our position, or panic due to my fingertips tracing his scar tissue.
“I wouldn’t call that adapting.”
My mouth closed over his, preventing him from speaking any more, and then I took his erection in my hand. I’d purposely left my panties in my glove box in the event I had to go this far. Like I said, he was unpredictable, but it’d taught me to expect everything. I lifted my hips and lined him up beneath the flow of my skirt.
I sank down slowly on him, prepared to torture him if needed until he conceded to my point. My gaze locked with his as I held onto him by his shoulders. His respirations quickened through his nose.
“Call it whatever you want, Nolan. Paint stripes on a dog, but it doesn’t make it a zebra.”
“Why are you talking?” He used his grip on my hips to try and move me, but I held firm, causing his eyes to widen in surprise.
“Because I need you to listen to me.”