by Leddy Harper
“I guess I have you to thank for that. If you hadn’t sent me to Novah’s studio, I probably never would’ve met Shari.”
Nolan nodded slowly, his expression contorting into something unfamiliar. He didn’t appear to be confused, yet questions danced in his eyes as the rest of his features fell slack.
I wouldn’t really call our dinner conversation uncomfortable, but it certainly wasn’t easy and carefree. While Shari and I talked like normal, it was almost as though Mike had to pull words from Nolan. I didn’t understand it, but I didn’t dare question him while we were at the table. I simply held his hand and hoped he could relax like he had been all day.
Eventually, I stopped holding side conversations with my friend and joined in with the guys. I thought if we all were involved in the same topic, it would be easier for Nolan to talk. Yet it proved to do the opposite. Instead of being involved in the conversation, he sat back and listened as everyone else spoke, nodding a few times but not really participating in the discussion around the table.
“So what’s new with you, Mike? Shari told me you have some trip coming up next weekend? Where are you going?” I finally gave up trying to include Nolan and decided to do my best to enjoy my evening.
“Yeah. My buddy hooked me up with this amazing chance to cage dive in the Keys. We’re taking a boat down there early Friday morning and coming back sometime that night.” He winked at Shari, which earned him a giggle from my friend. “I don’t wanna be away from my girl for too long.”
“What’s cage diving?” I asked, sincerely interested.
“Well, you put on dive gear, but instead of free-diving on your own, you’re lowered down in the water in a cage.”
I nodded, trying to pretend I understood the point of it, but then I gave up and asked, “Why would you do that?” Heat instantly ignited in my cheeks at my own stupidity.
Mike must’ve seen it because he laughed. “Aside from the obvious, it’s because they take you out in shark-infested waters. That way, I can swim with the sharks without losing any more limbs.” He wagged his eyebrows in jest.
“Yeah…we don’t want anything happening to those hands of yours,” Shari teased.
“You should come, Nolan.” Mike suddenly became excited at the idea of bringing Nolan with him. “It’s gonna be a lot of fun. I think you’ll really enjoy it.”
“I don’t think so. I have work to do. I was out a couple days last week, so I can’t take more time off.” His words were believable, but his tone didn’t seem to match. It sounded as if it’d been an excuse.
“Well, if you change your mind, let me know. There’s plenty of room on the boat. I think he’s only taking a few of us out.”
I watched as Nolan’s shoulders fell slightly. Had I not paid attention, I would’ve missed it. Everything about his posture made my chest ache for him. It was clear his thoughts weren’t with us at the table, like he’d gone somewhere else in his mind. I no longer wanted to be in a roomful of people, and I wished we could’ve been alone where we could talk.
“How do you do it?” Nolan asked, his question barely a whisper yet it could be heard around the table. His eyes seemed lost and his voice sounded uncertain. And the way he sat in his chair with his hands in his lap showed just how vulnerable he was in that moment.
The grin on Mike’s face fell instantly, and silence consumed the three of us as we all turned our full attention to Nolan.
“How do I do what?” Mike asked carefully, keeping his tone low as if his question would scare Nolan off.
He shrugged and then flitted his gaze around the room, avoiding looking right at any of us. His respirations had turned shallow, and I worried he might be on the verge of a panic attack. But then he focused on something in front of him on the table and took a deep breath, regaining his composure before speaking.
“You’re so fucking happy…all the time. Nothing brings you down. Nothing. You go cage diving with sharks, and then joke about losing more body parts. You don’t have legs, Mike. How do you do it?” Nolan’s voice had turned harsher, more condemning the longer he went on, and I could see the anger building behind his eyes. “How do you find the courage to laugh when you can’t even walk on your own? Why would you even think of diving when you can’t even swim?”
I worried Mike would lose his temper over Nolan’s misplaced anger. I could understand where the frustrations had come from, but it didn’t excuse his attitude, nor did it give him the right to attack Mike. But instead of losing his patience or showing any sign of being offended, Mike just sat there with soft, sympathetic eyes.
“That’s what’s holding you back, Nolan,” Mike said, keeping his voice even and calm. “You see me as a cripple, someone without legs, while I see myself as a man. You see my limitations and assume they hold me back, but in reality, they’re nothing more than obstacles for me to conquer…hurdles for me to jump. You say I can’t walk. Well, I walked in here just fine on my own. No one carried me. And maybe I can’t swim, but that clearly hasn’t stopped me from getting in the water.”
Nolan began to shift uncomfortably in his seat, and I knew Mike’s words had gotten to him. I just didn’t know what effect they’d have or what the outcome would be.
Mike leaned forward, closer to Nolan. “At some point, man, you have to stop letting your weaknesses hold you back. Make them stronger, be stronger, and overcome them. Yes, you lost a fleshy leg, but you gained a new one. And we’ve both seen some shitty-ass things, some of it so fucked up, I still wake up in the middle of the night screaming. But no one said you can’t laugh or find happiness in the life you’ve been given. You’re the one who’s told yourself that. You’re the only one stopping you from being fulfilled.”
Chatter and noises went on around us, but nothing other than complete silence filled our table. We all seemed to hold our breath, waiting for Nolan’s response.
“You act like you’re not damaged,” Nolan finally said, his words so full of dark emotion it made my chin quiver as the familiar burn of tears struck my eyes. You could feel the pain in each word he spoke.
I glanced over at Shari and noticed the same expression on her face. Her eyes were lined with unshed tears as she, too, watched Nolan start to crumble in front of us.
And for the first time, I witnessed Mike become angry. He didn’t yell or cause a scene, but he made sure Nolan knew how he felt with his hardened tone and precise words.
“I act that way because I’m not damaged, Nolan. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I don’t care what you or anyone else thinks of me. I don’t care if someone looks at me and sees a legless man. Or if you think I’m delusional because I laugh or smile. I know the truth. I know how I feel. I’m not out of touch with myself. I know I have bad days, nightmares, and times I’m too hard on myself, but I don’t let it get me down. I’ve seen death…I’ve seen men go home in boxes, leaving their family to grieve their loss. I’m thankful for the life I have—the second chance I’ve been given. And I refuse to waste it. I will not take it for granted.”
Nolan turned his attention to Shari. With not an ounce of aggression in his tone, he asked, “Does it bother you at all that he can’t fuck you like a real man could?”
“Enough, Nolan.” I wanted him to stop this attack. It had become personal by his last question. I knew he didn’t ask because he was interested in our friends’ sex life. It had to do with me, and needing insight from someone else about how I must feel being with him. It didn’t matter I’d already given him this answer, because what I said would never pacify him. It would always be a concern in his mind.
“It’s okay, Novah.” She stared right at Nolan and answered his question with soft, sympathetic words. “Everyone has limitations in the bedroom, even people with both legs. But regardless of any restrictions someone might have, it doesn’t mean they can’t please another. I know you didn’t ask because you’re curious about what happens between us behind closed doors, but I’ll tell you anyway. I’ve never been more taken care
of or felt more adored than I have with Mike. There hasn’t been another man who has ever made me feel the way he does, and”—she turned to look at Mike—“there isn’t anyone else on this planet I’d rather be with.”
Nolan excused himself from the table and headed in the direction of the bathrooms. I became extremely uncomfortable and didn’t know what to do. I wanted to go after him, but I knew he needed a moment alone. I also didn’t think it would be right to leave my friends.
“Go, Novah. He needs you, and if he says he doesn’t, it’s only a matter of time before he will. We’ve got the check, so don’t worry about it. Take care of him.” Mike offered me a gentle smile, but I could tell it was forced. Nolan’s actions seemed to put a damper on everyone’s moods.
I thanked them both and then I headed in the direction Nolan had gone, hoping he hadn’t reconstructed his wall again.
Twenty
Thoughts churned in my mind until the room began to spin around me. I had to get out of here. I had to leave. But I needed to get my head straight first, so I went to the bathroom, hoping a break from the table would help.
I stared at my reflection and wondered why I’d said any of the things I did—to Mike and to Shari. They didn’t deserve the way it had come out, and I knew that. But no matter how hard I’d tried to keep it in, I couldn’t.
I hadn’t been angry with either of them. That wasn’t the intention of my questions. If anything, I was jealous. I sat there and watched him smile, heard him laugh at the appropriate moments, cracking jokes as if he were the happiest man on earth. I wasn’t incapable of finding humor around me, but I simply couldn’t comprehend what he found to be so fucking funny. Even as he ordered his food he had a smile on his face. And all I could think about was, what’s so funny about ordering your steak rare?
I’d known Mike since moving back. I’d met him at one of the support group meetings I’d attended when first getting into town. I’d promised my counselor I’d go, so I kept my word and went to a few before giving up. Mike was one of the few people I kept in contact with—even though we hadn’t really talked other than when I’d asked him to pose for Novah.
One of the first things I’d noticed about Mike was his enthusiasm. I never understood it. Here was this man who’d lost not one but two legs, yet he acted as if he’d never lost a damn thing in his entire life. I thought for sure it was nothing but a front he put up around other vets, wanting us to believe he was okay and didn’t struggle. It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility.
However, being around him tonight made me question my theory. It made me wonder just how happy he genuinely was. And more importantly, why I couldn’t seem to find that for myself.
I hadn’t meant to attack him, or his relationship with Shari. And I certainly didn’t intend to question their sex life. It had only been my desperate attempt to find out what I had been doing wrong—why I couldn’t be more like him.
Novah had helped me work through a lot over the short time we’d been together, but comparing myself to Mike only left me feeling more inadequate than I already did. My quest to find answers had come out all wrong, and the deeper I dug, the worse I felt about everything.
I’d embarrassed myself, and more than likely I’d pissed Novah off. I knew I had to go back out there and face the destruction I’d left in my wake, but I didn’t have the courage to do it. Just the thought of facing them twisted my stomach and forced bile to rise, the acids burning my esophagus.
After staring at my reflection for far too long, I finally managed to tuck my tail between my legs and leave the restroom. Yet I never made it back to the table, because I found Novah waiting for me at the end of the hallway. She barely glanced at me before leading the way through the restaurant to the front door.
It would be a long drive home.
After enduring her silence for so long, it surprised me when she decided to speak up not long after we pulled away from the building.
“Care to enlighten me about what happened back there? Everything seemed to be going well all day, so I’m a little baffled where that came from?”
It suddenly began to sprinkle, which only served to dim my mood further. I couldn’t answer her, mostly because I didn’t fully understand it myself. I didn’t see how I could possibly explain it.
“I thought you and Mike were friends… Why would you attack him like that? And what was the point in asking Shari about their sex life?”
The rain began to come down harder, forcing me to turn on the wipers in order to see. It provided me enough of a distraction from her questions.
“Nolan!” She slapped her hand against the dashboard in front of her. “What the hell happened? Huh? You just told me this morning about your breakthrough. We’ve spent all day together, and not once did you show any signs of aggression or some sort of hint at a nearing downward spiral. I am so lost at what I witnessed back there.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Like hell it doesn’t! You verbally attacked our friends—my friends!”
I gripped the steering wheel hard, painfully wrapping my fingers around the leather. My teeth gritted together and my jaw ached. I didn’t want to lash out at her. She didn’t deserve it. Hell, Mike and Shari hadn’t, either. But I seemed to be having a hard time expressing myself.
I tried to relax as much as possible so my words wouldn’t come out hard and cold. “I told you, Novah… I can’t promise I won’t have hiccups along the way. Just because I had an epiphany last night doesn’t mean I’m magically cured and will never have moments of uncertainty again.”
“Moments of uncertainty?” she practically screeched as she turned in her seat to face me. “Listen, Nolan, I know this can’t be easy for you, but I’m sure you know the difference between having a moment and going after good people for no reason.”
I figured she wouldn’t understand, but I tried anyway. “He’s so fucking happy all the damn time. I don’t get it. It doesn’t make any sense to me.”
“And it will never make sense if you continue to live this way.” Her voice lowered to a more sympathetic tone as she placed her hand over my arm in a show of comfort. “Mike was right, you know. You’re never going to be happy if you don’t allow yourself to be. You’re the only one standing in the way. I can only do so much to show you what you should be thankful and happy for.”
“Do you think he takes pills?”
She was quiet for a moment, and in those seconds of silence, I wished I hadn’t said anything at all. “Maybe. But should it really matter?”
“Yes!” I hadn’t meant for it to come out so loudly, but the fight inside wouldn’t die. “It most certainly matters, Novah. If he’s this way because of some magical happy pills, then he really isn’t happy, now is he?”
“That’s how you think of it? No…you’ve got it all wrong.”
“If he were to stop taking them—”
“You don’t even know if he is.”
“If he is on medicine, and he stops taking it, then he would be just as miserable as I am. So if you think about it like that…he’s really no different than me.”
Novah leaned back in the seat and covered her face with her hands. I couldn’t decipher how she felt any more than I could understand my own emotions. They seemed all over the place. I wasn’t mad, angry, or upset. I was simply lost.
And now, alone.
Alone because for the first time since Novah came back into my life, it seemed as though she didn’t understand me at all.
“Have you tried medication?” Her question was so quiet I barely heard her over the wipers and the rain. But the pain in her voice could’ve been heard through a tornado.
“Once. But I didn’t like it. I felt like it was a Band-Aid, and I wanted to fix the problem instead of just covering it up.”
“It doesn’t always work that way, Nolan.”
“I know. But it doesn’t hurt to try, right?”
She was quiet, and I worried what it meant. Fear burned so bright
, so hot inside my chest, I was sure it’d obliterate my heart, leaving me with nothing left. If she walked away from me…I’d be nothing. I’d have no reason to push forward. Novah was the only one on my side, helping me get past this pain running through me, and without her, I’d never survive.
“My issues have always stemmed from what happened between us. Going off to war. That’s what lives inside my head, and what causes me this agony that follows me everywhere. With you, I’ve been able to work through it. I’m not all the way there, but I feel like it’s working. Especially after yesterday. I think I have a better understanding of why I am like this.”
“After your display tonight, I don’t think you understand anything, Nolan. You think you do, but in reality, you have no idea.” Instead of saying anything else, she turned her head and stared out the window in silence.
I waited for her to continue, hoping the longer I remained quiet, it might push her to speak. But it didn’t. The only sounds filling the car were the windshield wipers and the rain pounding against the glass.
“How can you say that? I told you I realized how blaming myself for all these years has affected me, and I’ve turned it around. I’ve learned a lot since being with you. You even said you’ve noticed a change in me. So why are you suddenly changing your mind now? Why are you going back on that and saying I’m just as lost and confused as I was before?”
She turned her head to look at me. When I chanced a glance in her direction, I noticed the pain written all over her face.
And I died a little more inside.
“You have shown signs of improvement. I can tell you’re overcoming a lot. But I think…especially now… you have yet to uncover the real roadblock.”
“What do you mean?”
“You say you’re like this because you lost your leg. You use that as an excuse all the time. You went after Mike tonight because of it. Yet no one would even know if you didn’t show or tell them. I had no idea you walked around on a prosthetic leg until you dropped your pants in the middle of my studio.”