Beautiful Boy

by Leddy Harper

  I waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. Instead, he kept his sight above him, only mindlessly twirling my hair between his fingers with lazy gestures. Finally, after I couldn’t take the silence any longer, I asked, “I was right about what?”

  His gaze locked on mine again, and a soft grin toyed at lips. “When you said something other than the war held me back. I hadn’t realized it before, because I’d been so blinded by the more prominent tragedies in my life. But you were right. Had I not gone into the Army, or lost my leg, I still would’ve been bounded by the issues with my dad.”

  The muscles behind my eyebrows ached from how tightly I knitted them together. “What happened? I know you had a hard time after meeting with him for breakfast, but you never told me anything about it.”

  “I think it’s always been obvious, if I’m being honest. I guess I never paid too much attention to it until it became too painful to ignore. And by that point, I already had something else in my life to blame it on.”

  I shook my head, pulling myself up more until our faces were closer. I could see his eyes better this way, and I found comfort in it. “I’m not following.”

  “I’ve already told you about how I grew up—always his trophy, doing exactly what Daddy Dearest asked of me. I’ve always lived my life in his image, never living for me or doing things I wanted. National Junior Honor Society, honor roll…hell, football had even been his idea as long as I made captain and could lead the team. Leader,” he said with an incredulous laugh. “That’s all he wanted me to be. A leader like him.”

  I knew he had issues with his father. I had picked up on it the night we went to the junkyard. I knew there had to have been more holding Nolan back other than his most obvious reasons, and I’d even suspected it had something to do with his dad, yet I never wanted to assume. Nor did I want to put the thought in his head. I wanted nothing more than for him to figure it out on his own—come to his own conclusions.

  “I knew of this growing up…I mean, I couldn’t wait to get out of the house because I couldn’t stand living under his thumb. But then he shipped me off to war and everything else happened. It’s hard to rewind the events of your life when you’re stuck on pause—you know?” He shifted to stare into my eyes, waiting for something from me.

  I nodded and then bit my lip, wondering how much I should say. Deciding to go for it—holding back would never do either of us any good—I said, “So then how exactly did you come to this conclusion? You said the dinner was three nights ago, right?”

  The last thing I wanted to do was make him think I doubted him; however, I couldn’t hide the uncertainty. Not in my voice and not in my face. The way he watched me with blinking eyes, the way his hand completely stilled in my hair…it all proved how I’d failed at keeping my hesitation from becoming evident.

  “I had an unexpected conversation with a stranger.” He shrugged, acting as if it meant nothing, yet I knew better. He wouldn’t have mentioned it had it not held importance to him.

  I waited patiently for more, but never got anything else from him. “That’s it? You met someone and now you have such a clear understanding of everything? Some random person made you finally see how the root of your problems stem from your dad? I don’t get it, Nolan. What am I missing?”

  “Sometimes, things can be right in front of your face, yet you can’t see it until someone else points it out. That was all I needed—someone else, a stranger, forcing me to acknowledge what I was too blind to see. And then I talked to my mom. But the biggest turning point for me that night was hearing what my dad had to say. After talking to a random stranger and then getting some things out with my mom, it was as if I was able to hear my dad’s words with new ears.”

  “What did he say? What made you finally see things differently?”

  “It was a lot of little things—like how my support wasn’t good enough for him because I wasn’t out campaigning. It made me realize just how unsupportive he’s been of me. In front of a roomful of people and reporters, he embellished every accomplishment I’d ever made, and it made me realize he’s never been proud of anything I’ve done. I’ve never been enough for him.”

  My heart broke—shattered—at his admission. I couldn’t begin to understand how that had made him feel. I had very encouraging parents. No matter where life had taken us, or how many miles my father’s retirement had put between us, they were always undeniably supportive of me and my choices. I had no idea what it was like to have such a demanding parent.

  “However,” he continued, “it only served to make me understand things better. What really forced me to stand on my own two feet and move forward, forcing me to overcome my hurdles, had been when I realized he’d somehow gotten into my head. I’d said something to my mom and she wasted no time setting me straight. That’s when it became clear it hadn’t been my words I’d repeated, but my father’s. And to make it worse, I hadn’t even agreed with them, yet I said them anyway. I decided right then and there I would no longer allow him to control me. I needed to take control of my own life, and starting that night, that moment, it’s exactly what I did.”

  “What happened after that? What did you do?”

  He swallowed harshly, his Adam’s apple dipping deep. “I wanted to come here. I wanted to run straight to you, but I knew I shouldn’t. I needed to do things on my own, or at least get started on my own. I had to show you and myself I could do this, I could be the man you believed in. That’s when I made the decision to give myself more time. But I couldn’t stop from reaching out to you. I wanted you to know I was okay. And I felt a need to share things with you, so every time I consciously found something beautiful around me, or something that made me happy, I told you about it. The one thing I hadn’t expected was to acknowledge those things without even trying. I didn’t wake up each morning or step out of my house each day looking for something to give me peace…it found me. And before I knew it, I’d called Mike and took him up on his offer to go cage diving.”

  My eyes grew wide and my stomach dipped. “You went? Today? On the boat?” I wanted to slap myself for asking such stupid questions—of course it had been today, and obviously it was out on a boat.

  His teasing smile only served to elevate my desire to rewind time and take back my absurd questions. “Yes…I went today with Mike. I called him yesterday from work and told him I was interested as long as there was still room for me. And then I went out and bought one of those GoPro cameras.” His grin stretched impossibly wider on his face. “I felt like a kid at Christmas. I can’t even begin to tell you how excited I became. And that’s when I knew I was on the right track.

  “Being on the boat today, seeing things I’ve never allowed myself to see before…it gave me peace. It offered me strength and I honestly don’t think I ever would’ve gotten there without the push you gave me.”

  “That’s not true, Nolan.” I leaned closer and gently pressed my lips against his. “You just told me about your revelations at your father’s dinner. I didn’t do that. I didn’t even know about it. Some stranger got through to you, as well as your mother. And the rest was on you. You did this…not me.”

  “You were right when you said I’d used you as a crutch. Had you not pushed me away Sunday night and left me alone to deal with the fallout from dinner on Tuesday, I don’t think I would’ve been able to come to those conclusions on my own.”

  I didn’t believe a word of what he said. He never gave himself enough credit. However, I didn’t want to waste any time arguing with him over it. I knew the truth. I knew he would’ve done what he needed to simply because he had the strength and capabilities to do it on his own, whether he wanted to admit it or not.

  I rested my head against his chest again, folding my body into his. “I like this. I could get used to being like this with you.”

  Nolan rolled to his side and engulfed me in his arms, swallowing me whole with his bare, warm body. “Me too. Just like this…no clothes. They’ll only get in the way in the
middle of the night.”

  “Oh, should I be prepared to wake up and perform before the sun comes up?”

  “You don’t have to perform…I’ll be quiet.”

  I laughed, loud and full, until he rolled on top of me again, his mouth silencing me.

  Twenty-Four

  Nolan stayed true to his word. At some point during the night, I woke up to his hands and lips on me. Then a little bit later, I’d gotten up to go to the bathroom, and after crawling back in bed, I woke him up with my hands and mouth on him. By the time the sun peeked through the window, waking us both up, we took one look at each other, and without speaking, decided to spend a little while longer tangled in the sheets—and each other.

  None of those times were like the first, but that didn’t mean they weren’t equally as amazing or fulfilling. I pulled myself from bed believing Nolan had a newfound love for sex on a mattress, and in other positions besides from behind.

  A smile tugged at my lips anytime I thought about it. Just remembering the way he touched me or how his body moved over mine caused my core to tighten in anticipation. Every time I sat down, stood up, moved, I could feel the evidence of our night together. And with each deep ache, my grin grew wider.

  Nolan left shortly after breakfast. I’d wanted to spend the day with him. After five long and torturous days without him, I was ready to attach myself to his hip so I’d never have to be apart from him again. But he said he had things to do and would see me later. He acted very secretive, which normally would’ve put me on edge, but after our night together, I started to think nothing could bring me down.

  Finally, at almost eight—hours upon hours of no word from him—he sent me a text inviting me over. The message didn’t say anything about staying the night, but I packed a bag just in case.

  Excitement danced in my stomach as I gathered my things to head over to his condo.

  By the time I made it halfway there, nervousness had caused my insides to clench, my stomach threatening to turn into stone.

  Once I pulled into the parking lot, I began to beg for the knots and constricted chest, because they would’ve been better than the jittery hands and legs that left me with the sensation of walking on wet noodles.

  Every nerve ending seemed to have been fried by the time I made it to his front door. It didn’t make sense to me where this nervousness had come from. He’d been the one who came to me; he made love to me, letting go of his vulnerabilities with me. I didn’t understand why I’d grown so anxious to see him, especially after he’d opened up so much the night before.

  I swallowed down the lump in my throat just in time for Nolan to open the door with a wide grin on his face. It was all I needed to see. Instantly, the nerves vanished, and in its place grew excitement.

  Butterflies swarmed my gut.

  The weight lifted off my chest.

  And angels sang somewhere in the distance.

  “Oh, good, you brought a bag,” he said as he took it from my hand and let me in. “I wasn’t even thinking about that. I’m glad you thought of it.”

  He acted so casual, so calm and collected. But it quickly became obvious that it was nothing more than a front. Once he closed the door behind me, he started to walk away and then shook his head as if forgetting something before turning back to me and pressing a chaste kiss to my lips.

  That did not help my state of mind.

  Even though his outer appearance showed a calm person, his actions screamed of someone highly edgy. He walked around the kitchen in a full circle before setting my bag down at the entrance of the hallway to his bedroom. And even though his smile seemed permanently etched on his face, his hands fidgeted at his sides as he asked if I wanted anything to drink.

  “Just talk to me, Nolan.” I walked up to him and wrapped my arms around his neck, hoping the contact would ease us both. “You opened up so much last night. We talked so easily. I don’t know why you’re so uncomfortable now, but I’d like it if we could get past it.”

  He sighed and it seemed to alleviate some of the weight on his shoulders. His arms went around my waist and his forehead fell to mine. “I’m not uncomfortable. I just have something to show you. It’s something I’m really excited about, but I guess I’m scared to say it out loud. Like showing you and admitting it makes it real instead of just a desire I have.”

  My insides warmed at his confession, and I wanted nothing more than to ease the fear for him. “Show me. I want to see what’s put that infectious grin on your face.”

  He nodded, stepped backward, and took my hand in his to lead me down the hall. After a few strides, he stopped and turned to me. “I need you to tell me if this is a ridiculous idea, okay? Your opinion means everything to me, and I need you to be honest with me. I plan to put it into action tomorrow, but if you don’t think I should, it’s not too late to stop it.”

  I squeezed his hand for reassurance. “I promise I’ll be honest with you. But you have to show me first.”

  With that, he took one more deep breath and then continued down the hall until we made it to his darkroom. He hesitated for a split second at the door, and then he opened it wide and ushered me in.

  The room was void of any light once he closed the door behind us. I couldn’t see anything. I was about to ask him where the light was when his hands settled on my hips, pushing me farther into the room in silence.

  The warmth of his hands vanished, and so did the air around me when seconds later, the light flicked on above us. My eyes scanned the room, noticing sheet after sheet of picture paper hanging on every wall. One row of pictures circled me.

  I tried to cover my gasp with my hand over my mouth, but it did no good. It slipped through my parted fingers and echoed around us. My gaze briefly met Nolan’s before continuing to observe the images surrounding me.

  I’d never seen anything like it.

  My feet moved, taking me closer to one of the walls in order to get a better look. My fingers itched to touch the paper, and I had to hold my hands against my chest to keep from doing so.

  A man sitting on the edge of a boat with a scuba tank attached to his back. A mask covered half his face and he had a snorkel in his mouth, but I knew it was Mike. Two legs ending just above the knees became the focal point until my gaze reached the ropes of muscle that wound up his arms as he gripped the ledge he sat on, holding himself up.

  I craned my neck to see Nolan, and the pride on his face settled deep within my chest, warming me from the inside out. He jerked his head, somewhat of a nod to encourage me to keep looking at the photos. So I did.

  Mike was in a lot of them, but there were a few of another person I’d never seen before. He had darker skin than Mike and slightly longer hair. But the biggest difference between him and Mike was the fact he had both legs, yet his left arm ended right below the elbow.

  “There were other guys on the trip?” I asked without taking my eyes off the pictures in front of me.

  “Yeah, a couple of Mike’s friends.”

  I wanted to ask if they’d all been wounded, but I kept my question to myself as I gradually went from shot to shot, taking in every detail I could. I didn’t want to rush it, to miss anything.

  Halfway down the line, I found myself frozen in front of one. It was of Mike with a man on either side of him. His arms were around their shoulders as they held him up, his body dangling between theirs. It wasn’t a posed shot, meaning Nolan had captured an action in still form, and I assumed it’d been taken as they carried Mike to the back of the boat in preparation for his dive.

  Vulnerability embedded in strength.

  I had to force myself to move on. The emotions that one photo evoked were too much to handle, proving just how talented Nolan was.

  Finally, toward the end of the line, I came to several nudes. I’d never seen such elegance before. All were tastefully done, each photo taken with such care. Instead of his assets being the main focus in each shot, Nolan managed to capture the humor in Mike’s eyes, the way they li
t up. Even without seeing the widespread grin on his face, the creases next to his eyes made it obvious.

  “He wanted to take a piss off the boat,” Nolan said behind me, capturing my attention. “He wanted to prove the only body part you needed in order to accomplish that was a dick.”

  The way Nolan’s face lit up as he recalled his memory showed a very different man before me than a week ago. Even after the revelation my own lost photos brought forth, he hadn’t seemed this content. The thought of him finding true happiness filled me with excitement and ease.

  I spent a little extra time observing the last photo, not wanting it to end. But once I finished taking in every detail, I slowly turned back to the center of the room where Nolan had been standing.

  Except he wasn’t standing there any longer.

  At some point, he’d lowered himself to the floor on one knee. I quickly moved to him, unsure of what had happened. But just as I began to kneel down in front of him, he grabbed my hips to restrain me, to keep me upright.

  “What’s going on?” My voice came out shaky, full of panic and fear. Yet it all vanished once I allowed myself to take him all in.

  For the first time ever, Nolan seemed at peace.

  “My whole life I’ve done what everyone else has asked of me. I’ve been the person everyone has seen. I was the son of a senator, an academic, the star of the football team. You were the first person to see something else in me. Later, I was the war hero. The wounded soldier. The cripple who couldn’t manage to get it together. You saw something different. I went to school, got a degree, and started my own company. No one besides you noticed the complete lack of passion in me. I love my job because it’s mine. However, you were able to see my love for something else. Not only did you see it, but you encouraged it. When everyone viewed me as a man, you never stopped seeing the boy—the boy who loved the camera, the boy who found happiness in the littlest things…the boy who had fallen in love with you.”