The smell of garlic hovered in the air and I heard the sound of oil sizzling in a pan. At least she's cooking.
I placed my purse near the door, taking a puff from my inhaler as I walked into the kitchen. The stone face of my mother greeted me.
"Hello, honey." The words fell from her mouth with a half smile. The half smile that I had seen for about two years, ever since she became heavily medicated so as not to be a danger to herself anymore. The medication was effective, but the result was a woman drained of almost all emotion. No opinions, no tears, no anger. Nothing. I'd learned to let it roll off my shoulders as best I could. But, most days I felt like an orphan. The woman who raised me, who supported me the first nineteen years of my life, had vanished.
I tried to see her as a roommate rather than a mother. And sometimes that helped. But, most of the time I found myself yearning for the mom who used to sit at the edge of my bed and talk to me for hours about boys, friends and movies. I missed the mom who called me every week my first semester at college and sent care packages every chance she got. But, that was before our world was turned on its side. Before my dad's diagnosis. Before everything in our lives seemed to change for the worse.
"Hi, Mom. How was your day?"
"Same," she replied, shrugging her shoulders. My mom worked for a local library. It seemed to be the perfect job for her since losing him. Every day she worked in the quiet. It was peaceful and placid. It helped calm the destructive voices that used to loom in her brain.
"I got my 90 day review at work today," I offered, knowing she wouldn't take the initiative to ask anything about my day. She stirred the onions and garlic in the saucepan. I saw a slight nod and realized that was all the recognition I would get. Shaking my head, I took a deep breath and walked towards her, rubbing my hand on her back lightly. She turned to me with another small smile.
Her doctor once told me that despite her lack of emotion on the outside, I needed to give her time. That she'd eventually adjust to her medication and be the Allison Foster that I grew up with. So, I wouldn't give up on her. I still showed her kindness and affection in the hopes that one of these days, she'd place her hand on mine and give me the warm smile I had missed for so, so long.
I waited another minute, even though I knew she wasn't going to congratulate me. With a sigh, I shook it off and took two plates from the cabinet, carrying them with me to the table.
"What's for dinner?" I asked, trying to hide the disappointment in my voice.
"Taco salads," my mom replied as she added flank steak to the sizzling pan.
"Sounds great," I replied, placing assorted fresh vegetables on the granite countertop. This place was relatively new. The doctors suggested we move out of our old house. Too many memories. For my mom, it was too much, too much of him. Too much loss. But, for me, this place was sterile, foreign and not my home. It only made me miss him more.
The only sounds to be heard were the clinking of forks against the ceramic plates as my mom and I picked at our salads.
"Tell me about your review," Mom said in between bites.
Doing my best to hide the shock from my face, I answered, "Pamela, my supervisor is really happy with my work so far. She said the clients have grown attached to me. She wants to review me again after the huge musical performance in a few months, but overall I was given an excellent rating."
"Congratulations."
"She wants me to get started on planning the show later this week. I need to come up with a theme, but that shouldn't be too hard. Plus, we have a spring dance and I'm in charge of that."
"Sounds like you'll be busy," she said.
"Yeah, sounds like it," I said, pushing the taco meat around my plate.
"I'm happy for you." My mom's half smile pinches more than normal on her cheeks.
"Thanks," I said, unable to look up from my plate, afraid my sadness would show.
"I'm…I'm trying, Hadley. I know things aren't the same. But, I'm trying."
Mom ran her fingers through her hair as I looked up into her eyes. This was the first time she had ever said anything at all about what we used to be, what we used to have. It had always been left unsaid, packed into a little box that neither of us was comfortable opening. But, she'd lifted the lid and I was grateful.
I nodded, smiling softly and wishing I could jump up from my seat and hug her. But, this was a big step for my mother and I didn't want to scare her.
So desperately, though, I wished the old Allison was sitting in front of me. I needed to talk to that Allison about the thoughts running through my head, since I saw Jason at Beans coffee shop. I couldn't get him out of my head. I needed my mom to reassure me that it was nothing. That I was just being transported back to a time of innocence, when Jason was my infatuation. She'd remind me that I'd been with Tucker for years because he was a good match for me. We had similar ambitions and determined personalities. She'd remind me of how much he was there for me when Dad received his diagnosis. But, this Allison didn't do that. This Allison just wanted to get through the day. I had lost my dad and my mother was unrecognizable to me. But, as she tilted her head and looked me in the eyes, I saw a small glimmer of the Allison Foster I used to know and it gave me hope, the tiniest bit of hope. And that was enough for now.
Later, when Tucker called, I felt hopeful. We'd been drifting apart and I wasn't sure how to feel about it. Part of me was clinging to the boyfriend I'd had for six years. The boy who held my hand as they buried my father. The boy who held my hair when I was so suffocated by my grief that vomiting was the only way I could express my sadness. But, that boy changed. He was focused on his career and was not as patient as he used to be. As a result, we were disconnected. Part of me knew that he no longer saw me as a part of his future. And I couldn't help feeling like I was hanging on to something that might no longer exist.
"Any New Year's plans yet?" Tucker sounded upbeat.
"You know I wouldn't plan anything without you."
"Well, I have something planned."
"Excuse me?" It was impossible for me to hide the irritation in my voice. Was he planning to spend New Year's without me? Maybe this was the beginning of our end. Just as I was about to speak my mind, he interrupted.
"I was thinking we could stay at a bed and breakfast in Lake Geneva. We could stay for two nights and celebrate New Year's at one of the restaurants near the marina."
"Oh," I paused, "that sounds nice."
I was placated, feeling grateful for his thoughtfulness and hopeful that maybe a weekend away was all we needed to be former versions of ourselves. The ones who fell hopelessly in love.
Confusion spread through me though, as I had to be honest with myself. I was thinking about a certain best friend's brother and I was terrified of what Auden would think. Not that I thought she'd disapprove of my having feelings for her brother again. But, I worried she'd think I was just being silly—that I was using this rough patch with Tucker as an excuse to escape to something simpler, to someone who reminded me of childhood. A time when everything made more sense.
"You sure?" Tucker asked after a long pause. Guilt consumed me when I thought of letting him down. I had to give us a chance. I had to know for sure what fate had in store.
"Of course I'm sure. It sounds perfect," I replied gently. He sighed into the phone. I'd calmed his nerves and I was hoping our New Year's escape would bring us back to who we used to be.
"Tucker, this is amazing," I said, looking around the cozy yet modern room of the bed and breakfast. It was New Year's Eve and we'd arrived for our time alone together. Our drive up was pleasant, listening to music and laughing as we reminisced. Memory after memory made us laugh and smile and the thought of that tugged at my heart. I missed who we were and I hoped we could get back there again. I felt like we'd found ourselves in a gray area of disconnect. Both wanting to savor what we once had, but both afraid it was no longer possible. If we weren't talking about the past, we didn't talk at all. Thank God for the distraction of smar
t phones.
"You like it?" he asked casually as he placed our bags next to the king-sized bed covered in gorgeous gray and turquoise linens. A fireplace in the corner of the room had been lit for us. The room glowed from the soft flicker of burning flames and I felt myself being swept up in the romance of it all.
"Like it? I love it," I said, running my hands down the soft cotton of the pillowcase.
"Good," Tucker whispered into my ear as he wrapped his arms around my waist. His nose pressed against the skin behind my ear and he moved it back and forth, nuzzling the sensitive part near my earlobe. He knew the most sensitive and ticklish spots of my body. He knows me so well.
Placing my hands on top of his, I turned to face him, pressing my lips to his and looking him in the eye. My breath hitched.
Why am I so nervous?
Tucker and I weren't virgins. We'd done this many times. But it'd been quite a while, and this occasion held tension and pressure that I was desperate to remove from our strained relationship.
Tucker took a deep breath before kissing me lightly on the tip of my nose.
"Our dinner reservation is in about thirty minutes. Probably better to wait until later for this," he said, turning away and walking into the bathroom. Pulling nervously on my sweater, I waited for him to finish. I'd like to say that I was disappointed he stopped things from getting more intense, but relieved was probably a better word. Dinner sounded like a great icebreaker and, if I was being honest with myself, I desperately needed a cocktail to loosen up. Make that two.
Several hours and many cocktails later, Tucker and I stumbled from our cab outside the bed and breakfast. Tucker paid the driver and led me to our room. Dinner had been awkward at first, but with each empty glass the conversation grew easier. Before long, Tucker managed to draw me into him like he did years ago. Lightly caressing my arm with his fingers, whispering into my ear at midnight, telling me how much he loved me. Like most couples who have been together for awhile, we said the 'L' word all the time. So much that it had become routine. We said it before saying goodbye and when we were ready to hang up the phone. But, nothing was routine about these 'I love you's. I was left craving Tucker and the physical compatibility we'd shared for years. Before we started to move in different directions.
"C'mon, baby, let's get you upstairs," he said, taking my hand and leading me to our room.
Once inside, I removed my coat and scarf, feeling really tipsy and warm. Glancing in the mirror, I saw the effect of the alcohol on my now scarlet skin. Every bit of me tingled and I felt amorous. So amorous. No matter how many issues Tucker and I may have had, I wanted him.
"Tuck," I said, pulling my hair out of its bun.
"Yes, baby," he said, walking to me, his hands reaching out to touch my arms. He stroked the skin until goose bumps rose up to meet his fingers. I shivered and Tucker chuckled, loving the reactions he got from me. Our bodies started to fall into the routine we set a very long time ago.
He kissed my neck, creating a light trail marked by his lips. I gasped and shivered as chills ran down my spine. Running my fingers through his black hair, I pulled him up to me, pressing my lips to his. Gentle at first, he bit my lower lip, increasing the intensity and making me squirm as his teeth threatened to pierce my skin. He laughed as he crushed his lips back on mine, easing his tongue into my mouth. Together our tongues stroked one another in a comfortable rhythm. I heard the familiar sound of my zipper as Tucker removed my little black dress. He'd always been smooth with that. There were times in college that I didn't even realize I was half naked. I'd be standing there, kissing him, so into it and clueless that my top was off as well as my skirt. Tucker had skills.
As I stepped out of the dress, I leaned against the bed and removed my bra. Tucker looked me up and down like a predator. I felt hunted. Desired. Ready.
Tucker guided me down onto the bed, removing his shirt and pants as we kissed, stroked and nuzzled on top of the down comforter.
"I want you," Tucker said, easing my panties down my legs. When I said nothing in return, he asked, "Do you want me, Hadley?"
Although I had no idea why, this tiny voice in me said no. I ignored it, though, allowing my hormones and lust to take over completely. I want this. I do, I do.
"Yes…yes, I want you."
"Good, that's what I thought," he said, plunging his tongue into my mouth once again, this time not nearly as gentle. He wasn't holding back. He was taking what he felt was already his.
Within seconds, Tucker was inside me. I gritted my teeth as my muscles struggled to relax. Normally, Tucker would sense my discomfort and slow down, knowing it'd been a while. But, not tonight. Tonight he was urgent and determined. Tonight his thrusts were harsh and fast and I found myself holding on to his shoulders, just trying to keep up with him.
Just as a familiar pressure was building inside of me, Tucker cried out and sank into my arms. Sighing, I lay there, staring up at the spinning ceiling.
What the hell was that?
"Fuck." He ran his fingers through his dark hair and leaned back. "Sorry, that didn't last so long."
"It's all right," I said casually, attempting to blow it off as the room spun in circles. But, I couldn't help it. My body was disappointed. As much as I'd hoped he'd give me the release I was seeking, I knew it wasn't going to happen.
"That's what happens when we go so long without having sex," he said, pulling out of me and walking to the bathroom. For a moment, I lay stunned, my stomach flipping uncomfortably. It was true. It had been a long time since we'd had sex. But, even though he was right, his words stung. His tone was harsh and detached.
Hoping to calm the twisting and turning of the room, I kicked my leg over the side of the bed and planted it on the floor. Do not throw up, do not throw up.
In between being coherent and completely asleep when Tucker came back to bed, I turned my body toward him, hoping for some resolution, some comfort, something. But, within moments, he was snoring and I lay there, unable to drift to sleep, wondering what had happened to the man next to me. He was no longer the boy I once loved.
I woke up shivering, teeth chattering, skin covered in goose bumps. Even though Tucker had gotten himself underneath the covers, he'd left me on top of the comforter without a stitch of clothing on my body.
Damn him. I deserve better than this.
Tucker was a selfish man. Why had it taken me so long to really see him? Had he always been like this? Or had something changed in him? Was this why I'd avoided being intimate with him the last few months? Because I knew he didn't deserve me?
Pain pounded in my forehead as I stumbled to the bathroom. A white terrycloth robe hung from the door. I put it on my body and felt slightly better, but still shivered from the cold. I was chilled to the bone, but mad as hell. I wanted to wake Tucker and demand answers. Demand to know why I was treated this way. But, I knew where that would lead…and I didn't want to have that conversation in the middle of the night, only to wake up next to one another in the morning. It would have to wait. But, something in the pit of my stomach told me this was the beginning of the end. We weren't going to make it. I felt it in my gut.
Climbing back into bed, I eventually stopped shivering as I listened to Tucker snoring next to me. As I lay there, though, a memory crept into my brain. I must've buried it, but all of a sudden, it felt fresh, as if it'd just happened. As if I was trapped inside of it.
"Where is he?" Auden snipped. "He was supposed to be here an hour ago. Try his cell again."
"He's not picking up," I said with a shrug.
"Then, let's go without him."
"No…I mean, not yet. Give him a minute."
"He does this all the time, Had. He expects you to wait on him. Aren't you sick of it?"
"He's not always like this. Sometimes he's sweet."
"He was in high school, but not anymore."
She was right. Since our first semester of college had begun, Tucker was different. He'd pledged a fraternity, one of
the most elite on his campus in Champaign. Auden and I were "GDIs" (Goddamn Independents) according to him. He seemed disappointed in both of us for not going Greek. What he didn't get was that Auden and I didn't want that. We'd made several friends on campus and didn't feel the need to join. The Greek system wasn't popular at our tiny college in Peoria. We were content; we didn't need or want it. But for Tucker, it was his world. And the more he was wrapped up in that world, the more we drifted apart.
My cell remained silent as Auden tapped her foot on the hardwood floor.
"Shit. C'mon, Had. We only have another week left of break."
"And?"
"And I don't want to spend all that time waiting around for him."
Sending a final text to Tucker, I resigned myself to not seeing him for New Year's Eve. Oh well. Two minutes went by before my phone rang. I pressed the speakerphone button. Auden would get pissed if she didn't get to say her piece.
"Now you call me," I said, the sarcasm dripping from my words.
"Hey, baby," he slurred into the phone.
"We've been waiting for you for over an hour. Where are you?"
"Dave's place."
"Oh," I said, my heart plummeting into my belly. Dave was a friend of Tucker's who also pledged with the same fraternity. They'd become inseparable and Dave was always making sarcastic jokes around me. He thought it was ridiculous that Tucker and I stayed together long distance. But, we were less than an hour away. We saw each other a lot (at least we did before his frat had constant parties during the fall months) and Tucker had a car, so we didn't really view it as long distance.
Picturing Perfect Page 4