"We're choosing the music for the show. We'll need to have about eight songs in all. And they have to fit our theme."
"Let me guess, the 80s?"
"Pretty close," Ellie said, rolling her eyes.
"John Hughes?"
Haddie's cheeks grew crimson as she closed her eyes tight. That grimace made it obvious. My guesses were really close.
"The theme is Soundtrack of the 80s. All of the songs will be from the 80s and many of them will be from movies of the decade. And there may be a song or two from John Hughes' movies."
"Of course," I said with a grin. "Simple Minds is a must."
"Absolutely," Haddie said, typing on her laptop.
"Who are they again?" Ellie said, looking confused.
"'Don't You Forget About Me'?" Haddie asked, pretending to be irritated. "It's the song at the end of Breakfast Club. It's genius."
"Oh…right," Ellie said. "What else should we have?"
"'If You Leave'," I suggested and Haddie stopped dead in her tracks. This was the second time Pretty in Pink had come up in our conversations. I wasn't trying to put her on the spot…well, maybe I was. It worked. She tucked her hair behind her ear and looked back at her laptop without making eye contact.
"Yeah, that could be a good one," she said softly, glancing quickly in my direction before staring back at the screen, completely dodging my stare. It was a good time to change the subject.
"I'm guessing you're not a huge fan of the 80s?" I asked Ellie.
"That's right. Because I'm a normal 25-year-old. I'm a child of the 90s. If it was up to me, the entire show would be Counting Crows music."
"Yuck," Haddie said. "They're depressing. This show needs to be fun and upbeat. Music that makes you want to dance."
"Fine, whatever," Ellie said. Just then, her husband Nick popped his head in.
"Ells, I need you for a minute."
Ellie hopped up from her seat, gave us a wave and followed Nick out the door. Their voices trailed off as they walked down the main hall of Sunnyside, leaving Haddie and me with the silence lingering between us.
"How've you been?" I asked, leaning in towards her. More than anything, I hoped to break her shyness with my persistence.
"Fine," she said with a nod, avoiding eye contact. Maybe I pushed too hard at the dance. Maybe I'd invented the connection between us. Maybe I was making her uncomfortable. The thought made my stomach churn.
"'In Your Eyes'?" I asked, getting back to the task at hand.
"Huh?" She looked flustered as she put her hands up near her eyes.
"The song," I said, unable to hide my smirk.
"Oh." She laughed. "I guess I misunderstood," she said, looking back down at her keyboard, shaking her head at herself.
"Your eyes are gorgeous. But, when I'm talking about them, you'll know."
Haddie lifted her chin, so her eyes locked with mine. My pulse was surprisingly calm as a satisfied smile crossed my face. She opened her mouth to speak, but said nothing. The tension was palpable. I could hear the soft rise and fall of her chest. She was trying her best to hide it, but I knew I'd rattled her. And in the best possible way. None of this was in my head. None of it.
Ellie returned just as Haddie's cheeks returned to their normal porcelain shade. We brainstormed the list of songs to use and, I had to admit, we had a really great program planned. I could practically see Bryce, Warren and the other guys dressed up like Ghostbusters singing, "Who ya gonna call?"
At three o'clock, it was time for me to go. I wanted to stick around, to spend just a few more minutes with her. Haddie and Ellie had bus duty though, so I packed up my things and threw my backpack over my shoulder.
"I'll walk you out," Haddie said, finally rising to her feet. She wore a flowing shirt and leggings. She looked gorgeous, but even more self-conscious than usual. She grabbed her notebooks and binders, and pressed them to her chest. Did she think I would try to check out her boobs in the middle of Sunnyside? I was into her, but I was no pig.
We walked in silence towards the exit. Before I lost my nerve, I took her hand in mine. Haddie looked down at our joined fingers and didn't pull away. It was a start.
"Auden told me," I paused. Her eyes widened and her mouth opened. I waited for her to speak, but no words came out. So, I continued, "About you and Tucker."
"Oh," she said, looking relieved. Her reaction left me confused. What else would there be to tell?
"Do you have plans this Saturday night?"
"I—um…" Haddie said, looking around her, her cheeks blushing again.
"I know you haven't been single for very long—"
"That's…um. That's not it."
"What am I missing?"
"Are you sure Auden didn't tell you anything else?" She looked serious…and terrified.
"Absolutely. Is there something else I should know?" I asked, suddenly nervous as I gazed into her eyes. God, she was so beautiful. I wanted to go back to the seventeen-year-old version of myself and punch him in the face for letting her slip through his fingers. Idiot.
"Hadley Foster, you're needed in Area C," a voice said into the intercom above us. Damn it.
"I have to go, I'm sorry. I'll see you next week."
And with that, she turned and walked down the long hallway of Sunnyside. I'd come here, determined to ask her out, get answers, and have something to look forward to. But, I was leaving more confused than I'd ever been.
Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. The large clock in Dr. Myers's office was the only thing I could focus on. My heart was pounding so fast and I had an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach. When the doctor called and asked that I come in this morning, I knew something was wrong. I had a normal appointment last week. I heard the heartbeat, and everything measured normal. My vitals were okay and there seemed to be nothing to worry about. So, why the hell did they need to see me?
Dr. Myers entered the office, a grim look upon her face. I forced myself to take a deep breath as I shifted back and forth in the uncomfortable chair.
"Good morning," she said, sitting in her chair and opening my chart. "Hadley, I asked you to come in this morning so that we can discuss the results of your triple screen."
"My what?"
"At your last appointment, we did several standard blood tests for this stage of your pregnancy. One of those tests is the Triple Screen. You signed off on it on your first visit. We use it to classify a patient as either high-risk or low-risk for chromosomal abnormalities and neural tube defects like Down Syndrome and Trisomy 18. After your first trimester neural tube screening, it was recommended that you have the triple screen. Do you remember?"
"Yeah, I, um…I guess I forgot. It's been a lot to take in." My mouth was dry and swallowing was difficult. Had I put my baby at risk? I remembered the phone call. I remembered the nurse explaining that they'd be drawing more blood. But, I didn't understand why. I should've asked questions. I should've done more.
"I understand," she said. "All of this can be very overwhelming." She stared at me for a moment, her mouth open slightly. "You're very pale. Can I get you a glass of water?"
Shaking my head no, my eyes began to water.
"My baby is sick?" I asked, my heart exploding in my chest.
"No, not necessarily. This test just showed that you are at a high risk for a diagnosis of Down Syndrome. We'll know more in a few weeks when we give you another ultrasound. You also have the option of an amniocentesis."
"That's dangerous, right?" I'd watched enough Grey's Anatomy to know what an amnio was, and that it wasn't an ideal test for the mother or baby.
"There are risks, yes. But, then you'd know for sure and can make a decision."
"A decision?" God, I felt so naive. Everyone was hinting that I consider terminating the pregnancy. Yet, I walked around like a deer in headlights, not even considering it an option. "I don't understand. I'm in my second trimester."
"It can still be done. In fact, many women choose to terminate…after careful considerati
on, of course."
"Many women…?" I stammered, unable to put a coherent thought together.
"We can schedule an amnio at the hospital and then you can make a decision."
"Or?"
Dr. Myers's lips formed a tight line. She inhaled deeply before speaking, "Or, we can wait a few more weeks and give you an ultrasound. It's not as definitive as an amnio, but we can measure the skin on the fetus's neck as well as the length of his femur. There are many soft signs of Down's that can be indicated on an ultrasound. But, I must warn you, Hadley. It's not 100% accurate. Just last week, I delivered a baby whose ultrasound showed he'd be at least ten pounds. That baby was barely 8 pounds. Ultrasound is a beneficial tool, but it is not diagnostic."
"Okay," I said, my hands sweating and my mind racing. "Can I think about it?"
"Of course. Call the office by Monday, please. If you want an amnio, it's best to get it as soon as possible."
"Thanks," I muttered, walking out of the office and into my car. Sitting in silence, I was unable to focus. I couldn't even begin to wrap my mind around everything she said.
The baby may have Down Syndrome.
But, then again, the baby may be just fine.
The baby could have neural tube effects—I don't even know what that means.
The baby may have Trisomy 18. I don't know what that means either.
I can find out what those things mean if I agree to an amnio.
I can also find out if my baby is okay.
I work with developmentally disabled adults.
I love my job. More than I ever imagined I could.
And yet the thought of raising a developmentally disabled child terrifies me to my very core.
Can I handle this? Am I good enough to handle it?
Am I a hypocrite for wanting a healthy baby?
When did my life start spinning so out of control?
And when will it ever make sense again?
So many thoughts, racing through in the swirling mess that was my brain. I glanced at the clock, knowing I needed to get back to work. As much as I wanted to take a sick day and curl up in my bed for the rest of the morning, I was certain that would only make me feel worse. I needed to be where things made a little bit of sense to me…and that was at Sunnyside. It was a perfect distraction.
I was so frazzled, I couldn't even remember how I got back to work as I pulled into a parking spot at the center. I parked the car and somehow made it to my office without breaking down. Closing the door behind me, I sunk into the couch, leaning my elbow on the soft fabric; my head perched on my hand as I gazed out the window. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I wiped them away with my sweater as I watched the tree branches bump against the window. I was so focused on the branches being pushed back and forth by the wind that I missed the sound of my office door opening.
"Haddie?" a familiar voice said, shocking me back to reality. I wiped my face and turned to see Jason.
He's here. Why on earth is he here?
"Hey," I managed to say.
"I shouldn't have walked in, I'm sorry. You weren't in the conference room, so…"
"Oh God. It's Thursday, isn't it?" I said in a panic. Of course Jason was here. He was here every Thursday to help with the show. When my doctor called early that morning, I completely lost track of everything else, including the day of the week. Mortified at my gigantic oversight, I covered my face with my hands. I didn't want him to see me like that.
"What's going on?" he asked, sitting next to me on the couch, placing his hand on my knee. His fingertips stroked my kneecap back and forth as he peered into my eyes. And suddenly, I felt safe. I felt like I could tell him anything, share anything, confess everything.
"I'm having a baby," I said, pressing my lips together to keep the tears from spilling from my eyes. Jason's eyes widened for a second. He opened his mouth, but then closed it again and continued to stroke my knee.
"I had no idea," he said. The sincerity in his voice was unmistakable. Auden didn't tell him. It was still locked up tight in her vault.
"One of the screenings came back positive. And I don't know what to do," I said, looking into his eyes, hoping he'd have an answer for me.
"Positive? For what?"
"Down Syndrome or something called Trisomy. I don't even know what that is. But, something could be wrong with my baby," I choked on the words. Jason jumped up from the couch, grabbed the box of tissue from Ellie's desk and sat back down, handing me a tissue.
"I'm so sorry," he said, stroking my knee once again.
"What am I gonna do?" Pulling on the neck of my shirt so hard, I was afraid the top button might pop.
"What did your doctor say?" Jason asked, gently prying my hand from my shirt and holding it in his own.
"She wants me to have an amnio. But I don't think I want to."
"So, don't," he said matter-of-factly.
"It's not that simple."
"It's not?" Jason asked. His voice was gentle but confident. He was pushing me to figure this out for myself.
"What if the baby is sick?"
He looked me dead in the eye before he spoke, "Will you love the baby any less?"
"I don't know," I replied, shaking my head.
"I do." He nodded. "I've seen you with these clients. You're a natural. You're patient and kind. And they all love you for it."
"But, that's not the same. I get to go home at the end of the day. Being a mother is all the time. Twenty-four, seven."
"I have total faith in you. But, really think about this…will you love this child less if it had Down Syndrome or some other health condition? Will this baby be any less a part of you if that should happen?"
"No," I managed a weak smile as a fresh tear rolled down my cheek, "I won't love it any less."
Jason nodded as he pressed his hand to my scalp and smoothed down my hair, tucking it behind my ears.
"You can handle this, I feel it in my gut. You can do this."
"Thanks for having faith in me," I replied, overwhelmed at how kind and gentle Jason Kelly continued to be. "I just keep thinking that I'm only twenty-two."
Jason chuckled. "My mom was nineteen."
"Really?" Auden never mentioned how old her mother was when she became pregnant with Maya.
"Yep. And I think we all turned out okay," he said, nudging me gently in the arm. "Look, age doesn't matter at times like this. What matters is character. And I have no doubt about yours."
"Wow, I don't know what to say," I said, looking into his deep green eyes. His demeanor changed slightly and he cracked his knuckles. I'd made him uncomfortable. What on earth was going through his head?
"Can I ask you something?" he asked finally, shifting a little in his seat.
"Sure. I don't have anything to hide anymore." I laughed.
"Last week, when I asked you out…you said no. Is this why?"
"Yes." I nodded.
"That makes me feel a little better," he said with a shy, lopsided grin.
"I'm sorry," I said. Jason shook his head and glared at me.
"No…don't be sorry. You've done nothing wrong. That's my stuff, not yours."
"It's just so overwhelming…I mean, I waited years for you to ask me out. Literally, years. And now, I can't possibly do it. Not that you'd want to anymore, anyway."
He tilted his head and licked his lips, placing both of his hands on my knee.
"It doesn't change anything—not for me," he said.
"What?" My hand flew to my chest.
"Maybe it sounds crazy, but I still want to take you out on that date."
"I don't know…"
"Think about it. I'll respect whatever you want. I've been waiting to ask you out for six years, though. I'm not giving up so easily."
"You're kidding, right?" I laughed. I couldn't believe he was able to make me smile and laugh at that moment. This man had a power over me that no one else ever did. That was clear.
"Not at all. But, I'm not going to pressure you."
/>
"Thanks. That means a lot."
"I just want to know you better." He shrugged.
"I want that, too," I said. My resolve began to slip away.
"Just think about it and let me know. If you want to be friends, then that's what we'll be. I want to spend time with you no matter what. We've spent too much time apart already," he said with a chuckle.
"That sounds nice."
Somehow, Jason managed to keep my tears from returning. Eventually we made our way to the conference room to meet with Ellie about the show. And as we discussed the performance, the music and the props, I found myself getting lost in Jason's handsome features. The two little freckles on his neck that I always fixated on when he'd sit on the couch in his basement, reading a book or watching a movie…I loved those two little brown flecks on his pale skin. Being friends with Jason wouldn't be easy, but the thought of not having him in my life scared me to death. He believed in me. He had faith in me. And that gave me hope. Maybe I could handle all of this. Maybe…just maybe.
Allison Foster's mouth was agape as she stared at me from the couch across the small living room. The silence that hovered over us was killing me.
"Say something. Please, Mom…"
"I—I don't know…" Her face was puzzled, conflicted…and full of emotion. Wow. Who knew that all I had to do to get my mother to feel again was to get pregnant?
"Something, anything, please," I pleaded.
"You're so young…you had plans, I—"
"I know."
"And you're so far along. Why didn't you tell me? Why?" Her forehead creased for the first time in years.
"I didn't know what to tell you and I didn't know how you'd react. But, now, with these test results…I'm overwhelmed. I need you, Mom."
She breathed in deeply, staring off into space for several seconds before standing up. My heart ached with dread. Was she going to walk away from me now when I needed her the most?
A concerned expression spread across her lips and she crossed the room to sit next to me. She placed her arm around me in an awkward motion, almost like that of a marionette. But, I embraced the gesture and leaned into her shoulder, tears spilling from my eyes. I hadn't felt the safety of her arms for so long…since before Dad died. Before she retreated into herself. Before she stopped being the mom I knew and loved so deeply.
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