by Amy Bratley
‘It takes me ages to change Poppy’s nappy,’ said Lexi, breaking the silence. ‘Locating the changing mat, filling up a bowl of warm water, finding the cotton-wool balls and then gingerly opening the thing to find that unbelievable explosion of mustard seeds inside! My advice to you all is: don’t have curry. I had one the night before last and have regretted it ever since. Although, for you, Mel, a curry might help get things started.’
The women groaned, grateful to laugh. Katy sighed and wiped at the tiny beads of sweat which, Rebecca had noticed, had formed on her top lip.
‘I’ve tried curry,’ Mel said, shrugging. ‘Nothing happened, obviously. Maybe I’ll have to drink a litre of castor oil.’
‘Nice,’ said Lexi. ‘That’ll do you good!’
Mel and Lexi shared smiles but then lapsed into silence again, their eyes flicking to Katy, who wasn’t reacting or responding to any of the conversation. Rebecca checked her watch. She’d been there for fifteen minutes. In another ten, she’d make an excuse and go.
‘Are you using disposable nappies?’ said Erin, clearly trying to help the conversation flow. ‘Because I am, even though I said I’d try real ones. I must have got through a hundred already.’
Elvis started to wake up, so Rebecca lifted him up on to her chest and patted his back while he snuffled into her. His trousers were much too big for him and came up to just under his armpits.
‘I’m using real nappies,’ said Rebecca. ‘And I’m not convinced they’re so much better for the environment. The number of washes I have to do in a day and the amount of detergent I use that gets flushed down the drains is probably just as bad as a sackful of disposable nappies. Still, I’m going to stick with it, as it’s a lot cheaper and the landfill is reduced. How about you, Katy?’
It was the first time any of them had addressed Katy directly, and there was a sudden hush in the room as they waited for her to answer. She smiled a watery smile and answered in a bored, quiet voice.
‘Disposables,’ she said. ‘Pampers.’
The room fell silent, except for the snuffling sounds of the babies and everyone shared concerned glances, once again.
‘How’s your buggy, Katy?’ said Lexi, smiling at her. ‘Don’t you have a Bugaboo? I was thinking of using my sling until the baby gets a bit bigger, then I’ve got a Maclaren my friend gave me, but it’s a bit knackered. I might splash out on a new one. Are Bugaboos as cool as they look?’
Katy sighed and rubbed her eyes with her palms. Rufus started to cry. She didn’t pick him up but turned up the vibration setting on the bouncer chair. Rebecca started to feel impatient with her. Why had she invited them all over, if she didn’t want them there?
‘You’ll have to ask Alan about that,’ she said. ‘I haven’t been able to go out yet with my scar. The doctor told me it’s the same injury as having a car crash. That’s exactly how I feel, like I’ve been in a car crash.’
‘Oh dear,’ said Erin. ‘I don’t feel like that after my caesarean, but I know it was different for you—’
‘Yes,’ snapped Katy. ‘It bloody well was.’
Everyone held their breath. Lexi pulled her lips back in an apologetic smile, apparently regretting that she’d asked the question.
‘Sorry,’ Lexi said. ‘It can’t be easy for you. How long before you’re back to normal?’
‘Six weeks,’ said Katy automatically. ‘So that’s another three or four weeks.’
‘It’s six weeks until you can resume all your normal activities, like exercise classes and more strenuous things,’ said Erin. ‘But look at us, Katy, we’re already doing most things just fine, aren’t we? I don’t feel too bad at all. I was up and about after three days.’
‘Well, I’m not waiting any longer anyway,’ said Katy.
For what? Rebecca had the thought but dared not ask. She and Mel were eyeballing one another. Rebecca pulled an exasperated face and Mel widened her eyes.
‘It’s six weeks for everything, isn’t it?’ Mel said. ‘Six weeks for a C-section scar to heal. Six weeks before you can have sex again.’
Rebecca didn’t say that Lenny had already requested sex but had been firmly sent away with his tail between his legs, which he hadn’t liked at all. But, honestly, what did he expect? She was exhausted beyond belief and still nowhere near back to normal down below. One day, she’d told him, generously. But not yet.
‘Six weeks seems far too soon,’ said Mel. ‘Anyway, I don’t think I’m going to have sex ever again, now or after the baby is born. Leo has set it upon himself to bang big nails into that particular coffin.’
Her eyes filled with tears, but she blinked them away, rubbing her pregnant bump rhythmically. Rebecca made a mental note to go over to Mel’s fiat on her own, to cheer her up.
‘You won’t believe what’s happened,’ she continued. ‘I found out a couple of days ago, and I’m still in shock. I don’t know how to feel about it, I’m just sort of numb.’
All eyes were on Mel.
‘Why?’ Rebecca asked. ‘What has Leo done?’
Rebecca listened open-mouthed as Mel told her about Leo’s child with Coco and about her coming to the fiat.
‘Wow,’ said Rebecca, shaking her head. ‘You must feel so pissed off.’
Mel looked at her as if to say, That’s an understatement. Rebecca smiled apologetically.
‘I think,’ finished Mel, smiling, ‘that, after hearing all that, my baby doesn’t want to come out of the womb, where it’s all warm and safe. I don’t blame it.’
‘Jesus!’ said Lexi. ‘That’s a massive thing to have to deal with right now. You must be furious with Leo for not telling you sooner.’
‘Sure am,’ said Mel, shifting uncomfortably. ‘I’m fucking crazy mad with him. I didn’t want him to be a cliché, but looks like he is. Anyway, enough about me. I’m trying to be as cold as I can about it so I don’t get stressed out and upset the baby. Rebecca, did you speak to your mum?’
Rebecca nodded. She thought back to the conversation. Her mother had gone from being shocked and clipped about the baby to suddenly being really emotional and actually crying down the phone, begging to visit. Rebecca had been blown away.
‘She wants to meet Lenny and Elvis,’ Rebecca said. ‘I’m not sure what to expect. It’ll probably be a nightmare. I haven’t actually told her that I’ve called the baby Elvis yet. She’ll think I’m insane. Do you think we are?’
The women didn’t reply for a long moment, which made Rebecca laugh.
‘Yes, then,’ she laughed, lifting up Elvis for a feed. ‘Poor little man! Everyone’s going to laugh at you!’
Katy stood up and, without saying where she was going, abruptly left the room, leaving Rufus on his chair, moving his limbs like a crab on his back. Rebecca, Mel and Lexi shared a worried look, and Lexi shrugged, moving closer to Rufus, who began to cry.
‘What’s wrong with Katy?’ Mel asked in a low voice. ‘Has she spoken to any of you?’
Before anyone answered, from the kitchen came a loud bang, like a cup being slammed down on the table. The women exchanged concerned glances, hearing Katy and Alan talking urgently. Alan raised his voice. Though the words were indecipherable, he was definitely angry. Rebecca and the others started to pack up their changing bags and gather together their things. Rufus began to grizzle, and Lexi gave the now sleeping Poppy to Mel, so she could pick him up. She stood up and bobbed him up and down by bending and straightening her legs. Not wanting Katy and Alan to think they were listening, Rebecca started to chat.
‘Do you think you can forgive Leo, Mel?’ she asked quietly. ‘For the sake of the baby?’
All of the women were watching Lexi trying to calm Rufus down. He began crying more loudly.
‘I’m not sure,’ said Mel. ‘There’s too much going on to work out how I really feel. I’m just so angry with him. His timing has been awful. You know, I would have been completely understanding about him having a son if he’d just told me at the beginning of our relationship. But
to leave it until now and bring the bloody child and his mother to our flat, it’s just stupidity—’
Mel’s words trailed off, as she heard the front door slam shut.
‘Do you think we should go now?’ she asked the others.
Just then, Alan appeared at the door to the living room, sweeping his hair back with one hand, his expression bleak. It looked as if he were deciding whether or not to collapse. He moved towards Lexi, holding out his arms to take Rufus, who emitted a small posset of sick on to his navy jumper and then stopped crying. Alan looked completely defeated. Lexi, reaching for a pack of wipes, cleaned it away. He smiled gratefully, and Lexi blushed.
‘Katy’s had to pop out,’ he said with a sad smile. ‘I’m sorry.’
Outside, Katy passed determinedly by the bay window, looking straight ahead. Rebecca caught Mel’s eye, and they both nodded at Alan, as if they understood.
‘We should go,’ said Lexi, clipping Poppy into her sling and collecting together her bag.
‘How is Katy feeling?’ asked Erin, but Alan didn’t immediately answer. He looked dismayed, all out of energy, and sat down on the sofa, leaning back into the moleskin cushions.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘I really don’t know.’
‘Do you know where she’s gone?’ asked Mel.
He opened his eyes and looked at her. ‘She says she’s going to the office,’ he said, shaking his head in disbelief, ‘but she needs to be here, with Rufus. It’s like she’s gone into this state of denial that she’s actually had a baby at all. It’s so unlike Katy. She’s the most capable person I know, and she was so looking forward to having a baby.’
‘Do you think it was the shock of the birth?’ Rebecca asked. ‘It must have been pretty stressful when the heartbeat almost stopped. Awful! Or the baby blues? I know I’ve had them. Three days after Elvis was born, I cried all day.’
‘It was stressful,’ said Alan. ‘But the baby’s here now, and the birth is over. I don’t understand what she feels. She doesn’t cry. When I bring it up, she says that she wants to get back to normal.’
‘Perhaps she needs to sleep,’ said Lexi. ‘She’s probably not getting much. I know what sleep deprivation can do to your mind.’
Rebecca watched Alan and Lexi exchange some kind of meaningful look and wondered if Lexi knew something about Katy that the rest of them didn’t.
‘She’s getting sleep,’ Alan said. ‘I’m taking Rufus most of the time, so she can sleep. You, Lexi, on the other hand, you’re doing this all alone, which is amazing.’
‘Yes,’ said Rebecca, agreeing with Alan. ‘You are amazing, Lexi.’
But Lexi shrugged off the compliment. ‘Don’t say that to Katy, for God’s sake,’ she said. ‘And I’m not amazing. It’s probably easier for me in some ways. I don’t have the added stress of a partner. No offence, Alan! But I can just get on with it – have to just get on with it. I’m sure Katy will improve in a few days. Sometimes the baby blues can last a bit longer. Just go easy on her, and if you want some company to go for a walk with the baby and give Katy some time alone to have a bath or sleep or whatever, give me a call. We could meet on the seafront.’
‘Yes,’ said Rebecca, not knowing whether she was invited. ‘Good idea. Let’s meet the same time next week on the seafront. We should do a baby-massage class as well. There’s one at the centre I work at which is really great. Cheap, too. Plus, I need to talk to you all about this wedding on a shoestring I’m supposed to be arranging. Lenny still wants to have it at the end of summer, which gives me a few months to slim down again. I thought, after the baby came out, I’d deflate.’
‘No such luck,’ said Lexi, pointing to her own body. ‘Apparently, breastfeeding helps, though.’
By now, the women were all packed up, feeling awkward and ready to leave. Alan was just standing, wearily, to show them to the door when they heard the front door open and bang shut, followed by the sound of footsteps climbing the stairs to the bedroom. Alan sighed.
‘Do you want me to go and see her?’ asked Lexi, but he shook his head.
‘I’ll talk to her,’ he said gently. ‘You go. Thanks for coming over. Sorry it was a little . . . strained.’
The women and babies were all ushered out of the house, and let out a collective sigh of relief as soon as the front door closed behind them. They all looked at one another, bemused.
‘That was awful,’ said Lexi, voicing everyone’s exact thought. ‘I think Katy needs some help. We’ll have to do something, but I’m not sure what.’
‘We just need to be there for her,’ said Erin. ‘Even if she doesn’t seem to want us, she needs to know we’re here.’
Chapter Twenty-eight
Mel hadn’t meant to break Leo’s fingers. But, seven centimetres dilated and in the labour ward on the bed on all fours, sucking the life out of the gas and air canister, Bella calling out instructions on panting techniques – and demonstrating them – Mel decided enough was enough. She told Bella to ‘for God’s sake, shut up’ and decided that Leo should be there to witness this incredible, indescribable agony first hand.
‘Where the hell is Leo?’ she’d roared at the midwives, and Bella, who calmly responded by telling her that, previously, she hadn’t wanted to see Leo until after the birth.
‘Fuck that,’ she said, suddenly furious with the entire world, but especially with Bella. ‘If he’s with Coco, I’ll kill him! Get him here now!’
When Leo eventually skidded into the room, his Adidas pumps squeaking on the vinyl flooring, breathless and pale, carrying a ridiculous, wilted bunch of yellow flowers bought from the hospital shop, she was relieved, but growled at him and gripped hold of his fingers. As each contraction came, she couldn’t believe how unbelievably painful it was. She’d had a shot of pethidine early on, but that had long since worn off. She had never before imagined such pain, and wondered why on earth, in a world where you could practically fly to the moon on a weekend break, women were still going through this white-hot pain in order to reproduce.
‘Are you okay?’ asked Leo, clearly and loudly, as if speaking to someone who couldn’t understand his language. ‘Do you need an epidural?’
‘Too late, I’m afraid,’ said the midwife. Mel sucked even harder on the gas and air. It barely touched the sides.
While Leo looked sheepish, Bella told her to push and the midwives cheered from the sidelines, from somewhere deep inside Mel there came a realization that it was her, and her alone, who had to endure the pain and get her baby out of her body. She felt herself mentally curl up into an intensely personal place and cope as best she could. At every contraction, she squeezed Leo’s fingers with the strength of Atlas. He let out a strange, strangled sob, but made no other complaint, gritting his teeth and beaming at Mel in encouragement, even when she shouted obscenities at him for getting her pregnant and generally being an absolute arsehole. It was only afterwards, when baby Mabel had been born and Leo and Mel had burst into tears in a rush of love and emotion and hugged one another, Mel rashly forgiving him everything, apologizing for shouting at him, apologizing to the midwives for being rude, instantly forgetting the pain, that he showed her his swollen index finger.
‘I think it’s broken,’ he said, trying to wiggle it. ‘I can’t move it.’
Nobody seemed to care, really. Mel did feel terrible, but not so bad she could tear her eyes away from Mabel for longer than a couple of seconds. Mabel looked like a delicate, tiny version of Leo. She had a shock of dark hair, gorgeous lips and a small, pointed chin that made Mel think of a forest imp. She felt and smelled like a warm loaf, straight out of the oven. On her wrist she had on the identity band which the midwife had immediately put on her, with ‘Baby Holden’ and the date written on it.
‘This is the happiest day of my life,’ said Bella from the side of the room. Mel had almost forgotten she was there. Mascara was running in rivulets down her lined face. ‘Your father would have been so proud.’
Mel beckoned for her m
um to come over, and they hugged, three generations of females together.
‘Please forgive me,’ said Leo, as Mel was wheeled under bright lights to the ward with Mabel in her arms, wrapped in a blanket and wearing a little hat, ‘for everything wrong I have done. I want to be a good father and partner. I want to get it right with you, Mel. Please forgive me. Let me back. I want to get it right. I love you.’
Mel didn’t know how she was going to feel later – the last few days, she had been so angry with Leo she hadn’t wanted to see him – but, right now, streaking along the hospital corridor in a wheelchair, dressed in a none too fetching hospital gown and not much else, clutching her new baby, more relieved than she’d ever known it was possible to be, she wanted Leo with her. Bella followed on behind, carrying pillows, bags and the wilting flowers, wearing a beatific smile. What was the point in blighting Mabel’s first moments with negative emotions about Leo’s past? Now, Mel thought, as she settled in to the ward bed and breathed in the warm bakery smell of Mabel’s newly born skin, the whole issue seemed far less important. The four of them together huddled behind the blue-and-grey checked hospital curtain was what mattered, whatever the hurdles they had to leap over in life. This was the beginning of their new life as a family. Who said it should be easy? Family life wasn’t meant to be easy. Mel concentrated on committing these first few moments in the hot hospital ward, the faint sounds of women chattering in the ward all around her, her knot of family looped around the bed, to her memory. Her baby had been born healthy. Seven pounds seven ounces. She’d scored top marks in the APGAR assessment. Everything was good. Those who loved her and Mabel were there. Mel was ecstatically happy. She channelled positive feelings into her baby, visualizing the tiny girl’s future filled with love and achievement and sunshine and fun. Mabel began to cry. Mel stared at her, confused. Why was she crying? Everything was great, wasn’t it?