by Amy Bratley
Alan turned off the engine and pulled the keys out of the ignition. He bunched them into his palm and got out of the car. Over the roof, he spoke to Katy. ‘I don’t think he knows what a prison is yet,’ he said with a deathly serious face. Then, much more quietly, ‘Although I’m beginning to get an understanding.’
‘What does that mean?’ she snapped, slamming the passenger door and opening Rufus’s. ‘You think you’re in prison being married to me?’
Katy looked at Alan. Dapper, in dark trousers and shirt, his sleeves were loosely rolled up to his elbows, showing tanned forearms. She remembered the call to Lexi. She hadn’t yet mentioned it to Alan, because she wanted to trust that he was the good man she married – but was he? Perhaps he’d got fed up with her. She wiped tears from Rufus’s bright pink cheeks, unclipped his belt and picked him up. She held him against her chest and walked towards Erin’s house, not waiting for Alan’s answer. Glancing back, she saw him leaning against the car, his hands linked on the top of his head in exasperation.
‘What do you want me to do, Katy?’ he called out, his voice breaking slightly. ‘Because I don’t bloody well know any more!’
Ah, Katy thought. I’ve pressed his button. He’s had enough. He’s seen through me. He’s going to tell me I’ve failed him now, as well as Rufus. He’ll probably leave. She braced herself, ready for him to hurl abuse at her, which she probably deserved, when the door opened and Erin greeted her, in a beautiful pale lemon lace dress, and wearing bright red lipstick that contrasted wonderfully with her hair, which was gathered up. Katy looked down at her own black clothes and frowned. Why hadn’t she changed?
‘Hello, Katy. Hello, gorgeous boy,’ Erin said, opening her arms wide and hugging Katy and Rufus in one go. ‘How are you both?’
Katy opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out. Alan, immediately by her side, took over, complimenting Erin on how wonderful she looked. It was as if a different person had been born with Hope. Erin was stunning. Alan guided Katy into the house, his hand on the small of her back.
Sorry, he mouthed, when Erin wasn’t looking. Katy smiled at him gratefully and he put his arm protectively over her shoulders, which were shaking, despite her being too warm.
‘Yes, we’re good,’ he said. ‘Tired, maybe. How about you?’
Katy, carrying Rufus as if he were made of porcelain, followed Erin as she moved through her house with the posture and grace of the dancer she was. In the kitchen, she felt a glass being thrust into her hand. Moving into the garden, she was aware of Erin’s voice, so light and happy and bright, telling her about Hope. Katy was nodding, but couldn’t really hear her words because she was too focused on holding Rufus properly. He felt awkward in the position he was in and his skin was getting sweaty against hers, so she tried to move him, but he cried out, crossly.
‘Oh,’ said Erin kindly, stroking his cheek. ‘What’s wrong, little man?’
Voices filled Katy’s head. She imagined Rufus answering Erin: My mummy doesn’t love me properly. My mummy’s scared of me. My mummy cries on my head in the night when she holds me. She thinks I can’t hear her thoughts, but I know everything.
‘Oh,’ Katy said, the words sticking in her throat. ‘He’s just hungry, I think. Alan, do you want to take him? I need to use the bathroom quickly, then I’ll prepare his bottle.’
Erin smiled at Katy and offered to show her where to go. They walked side by side through the hallway, their shoes clipping on the hard stone tiles, to the downstairs bathroom.
‘Is everything okay?’ Erin asked, resting a hand on Katy’s arm. ‘You don’t seem yourself.’
Katy forced herself to laugh. ‘I’m knackered!’ she said. ‘That’s all.’
Erin smiled a small smile, as if she didn’t believe her, then Katy locked the bathroom door and leaned against the sink, her hands gripping each side. She breathed deeply but felt a familiar feeling of dread wash over her. She deliberately avoided the mirror, and turned on the tap, watching the water swirl down the plughole. Swallowing, she tried to tell herself that she would be fine in a few moments, that the trembling would stop and the sensation that she was choking would fade. She closed her eyes and saw the same image of Rufus on the backs of her eyelids, the image of him when he was born. She hadn’t known if he was dead or alive, she wasn’t even allowed to hold him. She had failed to progress. Was anything going on with Alan and Lexi? She glanced at her reflection now and hardly recognized the woman who stared back. I’ve failed. I’m cracking up, she thought. Tears dripped down her cheeks and she sank down on to her knees, leaning against the cold stem of the bathroom sink.
‘And this one,’ Erin was saying, as she scrolled through pictures of Hope on her iPad, ‘was when we went down to the seafront. I’m sure she’s aware of the sea, because she instantly calms down when we go to the beach.’
Rebecca and Lenny (holding Elvis) were standing beside Erin at her kitchen table. They exchanged a comical look, their eyes sweeping to a happily sleeping Hope in the baby-bouncer seat.
‘Hope seems pretty chilled out as it is,’ said Lenny, helping himself to a cracker heaped with cream cheese and smoked salmon. ‘But, yeah, maybe it’s the sea.’
Erin turned to him, smiling, her eyebrows raised. ‘Are you making fun of me Lenny?’ she said. ‘I know I can go on a bit. I’ve posted two hundred pictures of Hope on Facebook and I think my friends are getting bored! But look at our babies. They are so adorable. Oh, I’ve had an idea. Let’s line up the babies on a rug outside and take a photo of them! We can send it to Ginny. Let me find a rug.’
Erin went into another room, so Rebecca and Lenny moved into the garden, where they heard Edward talking Leo through the flowers that had come into bloom. Lexi, who had come with Gary, was standing with him, and Alan, too.
‘Look at the body language there,’ whispered Rebecca to Lenny, gesturing at Gary and Alan. ‘I’m guessing Gary doesn’t rate Alan for some reason.’
Rebecca giggled, but the tension between Gary and Alan was almost tangible. Gary’s face was set in a cold stare and he wasn’t saying anything, just sipping on a cold beer, while Alan and Lexi talked flirtatiously about their various adventures going out and about with the babies.
‘Have you heard from your mum again?’ asked Erin, sweeping past with a rug and throwing it down on to the lawn. ‘You said she was going to visit after the letter you sent?’
Rebecca took a deep breath, laughed nervously and looked at Lenny. He stuck his tongue out, turned Elvis round and lifted him up so he could talk directly to his face.
‘Lady Granny Dragon-face is coming to see you this week, Elvis,’ he said. ‘So you’ve got to be on your best behaviour. No farting, burping, throwing up or shitting yourself in her company. She will be appalled.’
Erin laughed, and Alan, who had moved away from Lexi and Gary, was now listening in.
‘Is she that bad?’ he asked, creasing his eyes at Rebecca. ‘You seem too nice to be the daughter of a dragon.’
‘No,’ Rebecca said. ‘She’s not a dragon, but we parted on pretty bad terms. She’s a GP, and very well respected in the village I grew up in. I had a strict upbringing of shiny polished shoes, Sunday school, Girl Guides and studying. I longed to be in the woods on my bike, smoking with the boys. I felt completely trapped as a teenager and was never allowed to do anything I wanted, which probably explains why I want to go travelling so much now. I don’t know what to expect of her visit. My dad is coming too but he’s always kept himself to himself.’
‘Yes,’ said Alan. ‘I guess we’re all products of our childhoods. Apparently, everything that happens before you’re seven years old moulds your personality type for the rest of your life. Scary, huh?’
‘I don’t stand a chance then,’ said Lenny. ‘My parents were nuts. All I remember from my early years is moving from place to place with my dad’s band, helping him unload the van like a mini-roadie. Saw them all doing drugs and drinking too much, so I’ve done the exact same thing.
Basically, I’m screwed!’
Everyone laughed, Rebecca a little nervously. Erin looked about the garden.
‘Where’s Katy?’ she said. ‘Not back from the bathroom?’
‘No,’ Alan frowned. ‘She never came back. I’ll go and check on her.’
‘I hope she’s all right,’ Mel said to Rebecca, so only she could hear. ‘She seems to get a good hand from Alan. Leo could do with a lesson from him.’
‘I know,’ whispered Rebecca. ‘I’ve had to tell Lenny to help more, because, as far as I can tell his life hasn’t really changed at all and mine completely has. I need him to know we’re in this together, you know?’
‘Yeah,’ said Mel. ‘You need to know it’s a shared thing, don’t you? It’s hard not to argue about what you’re both doing. Leo and I had a pointless row about who was doing more housework yesterday. I mean, Jesus, what’s that all about? Thank God for my mum staying down here for a few weeks, though. Without her, we’d be in even more of a zombie-like state.’
‘Have you had sex yet?’ asked Rebecca. ‘Lenny keeps pestering me.’
‘God, no!’ said Mel. ‘I couldn’t cope with anyone else pawing me right now. Maybe next week.’
‘Yeah,’ said Rebecca. ‘Maybe next week.’
They stopped talking when Erin stood up and clapped her hands together. At the same moment, Alan came back into the garden with his arm around a very pale Katy. She sat down heavily on a garden chair, shaking Rufus’s bottle of milk in her hand.
‘Everyone,’ said Erin. ‘This is a photo-opportunity. I thought we could line up all the babies in a row. What do you think?’
They lay the babies on the rug while Edward took some pictures and talked about their varying sizes.
‘Rufus is the clear winner!’ said Erin, grinning. ‘He’s such a lovely, chunky baby. Followed by Mabel.’
‘That’s what bottle-feeding does, isn’t it?’ said Lexi. ‘I mean, babies normally put on weight more quickly when they have formula.’
‘Mabel seems massive!’ said Mel, giggling. ‘But I’m not sure she wouldn’t be exactly the same if I’d carried on breastfeeding!’
‘Yeah, well, I couldn’t breastfeed,’ said Katy, speaking up for the first time and handing Alan the bottle of milk so he could feed Rufus. ‘Whatever those women from La Leche League think, I’m afraid the pain just was not worth it.’
‘It’s harder for some people than others, isn’t it?’ said Lexi kindly. ‘Some women can do it easily, others have to persevere, and others—’
‘I did persevere,’ said Katy defensively. ‘So don’t criticize, okay?’
‘I wasn’t saying you didn’t, Katy,’ said Lexi. ‘I was going to say that breastfeeding isn’t for everyone. Some women just can’t do it at all. Mel said she found it impossible after those first few days—’
Katy’s face was white. Her lips were trembling and her hands, down by her side, were clenched into tight fists.
‘Thank you, Lexi,’ she snapped. ‘For pointing out that I am one of those women who can’t do it at all. Just like I couldn’t do natural birth and just like I can’t do being a good mother—’
‘Oh, Katy,’ said Lexi. ‘You know I didn’t mean that.’
‘Didn’t you?’ Katy spat, her eyes shining. Everyone else was silent. No one knew where to look. Alan put his hand on Katy’s arm.
‘Calm down, sweetheart,’ he said. ‘Lexi didn’t mean anything by it.’
‘You would say that,’ Katy said, bending swiftly down to pick up Rufus and clutch him to her chest. ‘Because you’re screwing each other!’
There was a sharp intake of breath, and Katy stormed out of the garden and into the house then out of the front door, slamming it behind her. Rebecca watched Alan and Lexi, who were ashen-faced. Alan, still holding the bottle of milk, rested his hand on Erin’s shoulder, made a brusque apology and followed Katy. Everyone else was silent. They looked at Lexi, waiting for an explanation.
‘Before you think anything,’ said Lexi to the group, ‘what Katy said is completely untrue. Alan and I had a one-night stand, a few years ago, before he got together properly with Katy. Nothing else has happened since. I need to speak to Katy. Do you think I should go now, or let them be together?’
Still no one said anything, then a voice came from the edge of the garden.
‘Let them be together,’ said Gary, stubbing out his cigarette. Rebecca had forgotten he was still there. Everyone looked at him. He was staring at Lexi, a grim expression on his face. ‘You don’t belong with him,’ he said sharply.
‘I don’t belong with anyone,’ said Lexi, deliberately turning her back on Gary to talk to Rebecca. He stood up, thanked Edward for the drink and left. Rebecca smiled doubtfully at Lexi.
‘I cope alone,’ she muttered.
‘Are you all right?’ Rebecca said. She’d never seen Lexi looking stressed before.
‘What a nightmare,’ Lexi said, dropping her gaze to the ground.
‘What was all that about with Katy?’ said Mel. ‘You kept that close to your chest, didn’t you?’
‘But what was there to say?’ said Leo, clearly defending the right to remain silent about big life issues. ‘Why should she announce to everyone that something happened in ancient history?’
‘Well, you would say that,’ said Mel.
Erin tried to jolly the dwindling numbers along with proclamations about the food that was on its way: Sausages! Salmon! Salad! Rebecca watched her tip back her head and finish the contents of her glass.
‘So, let’s talk about something fun,’ said Erin cheerfully. ‘What about your wedding? I was wondering if you wanted me to teach you and Lenny a dance?
Rebecca looked at Lenny, who laughed so hard that wine shot out of his nose. Mel, Leo and Lexi were pleased to laugh after the previous tension.
‘That sounds like a great idea,’ said Leo. ‘What sort of dance? I can see Lenny doing a Bavarian waltz.’
Lenny laughed and slapped his thigh theatrically. ‘Actually, I’d like that,’ he said. ‘Wouldn’t you, Becs?’
‘Um,’ she said, pulling a face. ‘I’m not sure.’
‘Think about it,’ he said. ‘I think we could pull it out of the bag. So, you’re really good, are you, Erin?’
‘I haven’t danced since before Josiah was born, but I was once very good,’ she answered. ‘I miss it, I really do.’
Edward went into the kitchen and, seconds later, music burst out of the speakers that were on the patio. He strode towards Erin, his back straight and head held high. Rebecca shared looks with Mel, who was giggling.
‘Care to dance?’ Edward said, holding his hand out to Erin. Rebecca and Mel slow-clapped their hands together in anticipation. Erin took hold of Edward’s hand and grinned.
Watching Erin and Edward dance blew Lexi away. They moved so beautifully together, as if their limbs had been hand-stitched together. Lexi felt hungry for something she realized she had never found, not even with Alan, the man she had put on a pedestal as being The One Who Got Away. Placing her glass on the wooden garden table, she lifted a rose from a vase and held it under her nose. Love. Why was it so elusive for her? Why had she placed so much at Alan’s feet when she barely knew him? Was it some kind of defence mechanism set in place to keep herself from becoming involved? Had she known, in her heart, that what she felt for Alan was fantasy and would never actually materialize into anything? Is that why she had chosen to focus on him? She shook her head. I’m more like my mother than I like to admit, she thought. Fucked up. Thinking of her mother sent a shiver across her neck. She looked at Poppy, whose eyes were droopy.
‘I need to see Katy,’ Lexi told Rebecca and Mel. ‘I’m going to walk around to her house and get Poppy off to sleep on the way.’
Thanking Erin and Edward, she put Poppy into her pram and left the house, moving up the street, past houses and gardens, their lights flicking on one after another in the dusk, like a flame catching. Poppy quickly fell asleep and Lexi pause
d to tuck her in. Walking down Katy’s road, she watched the outline of people moving inside their houses, weaving stories from room to room. Everyone had a story, didn’t they? There was one house that was still in darkness, though: Katy and Alan’s house. For a moment, Lexi thought they weren’t there, but Alan’s BMW was parked outside and the windows were open. She approached the house and knocked, not wanting to wake Rufus with the bell.
‘Do you mind if we talk?’ she asked Katy, when the door opened. Katy didn’t reply but silently showed her in. Lexi wheeled Poppy into the hallway and left her sleeping in the pram before following Katy through to the living room, which stretched from the front to the back of the house. She saw, through the French doors, that Alan was on the phone, walking back and forth, his arm wrapped around his chest. She felt herself blush. She barely knew him really, did she?
‘He’s speaking to his family,’ Katy said. ‘Pretending everything is great. Rufus is asleep. Today wore him out. What was it you wanted to talk about?’
Katy’s eyes were dull, her blonde curls flattened and, when she flopped on to the sofa, her slim frame seemed stick-thin underneath the black dress she wore.
‘After what you said at Erin’s house, I wanted to assure you there’s nothing going on with Alan and me,’ said Lexi, speaking in a low, calm voice. ‘I admit that we had a one-night stand years ago, as you know, but that was before you were together. I got a bit excited when I saw him again, but he’s never been interested in me. Not remotely. I’m not exactly his type, am I? I don’t think so. Seriously, Katy, nothing happened, nothing ever would happen.’
Katy looked up to the ceiling and blinked. ‘Oh, I know,’ she said, in a resigned voice. ‘I never really thought anything was going on between you. I trust Alan, and he’s been really good since Rufus was born. I just wanted to lash out. I’m sorry.’
Lexi lifted her hands as if to acknowledge the apology. ‘But, look, I’m not here to talk about him,’ she said.
‘What then?’ asked Katy, looking blank.