by Amy Bratley
‘Lenny’s father seems quite a character,’ said Harriet from under her wide-brimmed hat, circling a finger around her plastic champagne flute. They all watched Alf get out of the police car parked on the road at the top of the beach and make his way, dressed in shorts, towards them, lifting his arms up in a silent cheer. ‘Hopefully Lenny won’t be quite the same.’
At that moment, Rebecca turned to see Lenny climb up on to one of the trestle tables, accidentally knocking off a small vase of freesias, which Leo caught before it hit the stones, and shaking up a bottle of champagne as if he were Jenson Button at Monaco, spraying the liquid everywhere. Elvis gurgled and began waving his arms around. He adored Lenny, who spent hours playing with him, making him chuckle and smile. Rebecca glanced at the expression on her mother’s face and couldn’t help laughing.
‘I rather think he is, Mum,’ she said. ‘And that’s why I’m marrying him.’
‘They must be Rebecca’s parents,’ muttered Erin to Mel, Lexi and Edward, who had a crying baby Hope strapped to his chest in a BabyBjörn. Doesn’t she look like her mum? Rebecca looks completely gorgeous, and this whole wedding is delightful.’
‘Yes, she does look gorgeous,’ said Lexi, following Erin’s gaze and yawning an enormous yawn. ‘Sorry. Poppy’s not sleeping well at the moment. She’s waking every hour or so. She’s just started to roll but, when she gets on her front, she gets stuck and doesn’t like it, so cries until I turn her back round.’
‘Oh, no!’ Erin said. ‘What a nightmare! How do you cope with that?’
‘I don’t. I just put her in bed with me,’ said Lexi. ‘Probably a bad habit to get into, but I’m so tired, I don’t know what else to do.’
Erin adjusted the strap of her green silk dress and nodded sympathetically. All you can do is get by. That’s what I think.’
‘Definitely,’ said Mel. ‘I’d never realized how tiring this was going to be. Those mums whose babies sleep eleven hours a night have no idea how lucky they are.’
‘Mmm,’ said Erin, feeling guilty and staying quiet. Hope normally slept for ten hours straight these days but, on the nights she didn’t, Erin felt like a zombie the next day.
‘By the way,’ she said, quickly changing the subject before anyone asked her how well Hope slept, ‘you all look really lovely. I’m going to take some photographs in a minute.’
She scanned the wedding congregation. Katy and Alan were just arriving. Katy looked lovely in a red dress, but very thin. She’d obviously lost all her baby weight. And more. They both looked pretty harassed. Alan, carrying Rufus in his arms, bags over both shoulders and dressed in a suit, looked exhausted. Maybe he was doing the night feeds to help out Katy, who looked, it seemed to Erin, a little bit more healthy in her face though not as confident in her manner as she was when they’d first met at antenatal group. To her left was Lexi, yawning again, with Gary, who seemed to be around quite a lot these days, and, on her right, Mel and Leo, who were arguing about what factor suncream they should use on Mabel’s bare arms and legs. None of the mums was paying Rebecca and Lenny a blind bit of notice! Babies ruled. Even if you tried to have your own life, in those early days, the baby came first. Erin reflected how having a baby was the ultimate equalizer among women. No matter how successful, or attractive, or well off you were – or, indeed, the opposite – babies cried and didn’t sleep and needed endless attention, and whoever you were, whatever your circumstances, you had to try to learn to cope with that.
‘Hey,’ she said to the group, ‘I’ve had an idea. Do you think one of us should offer to look after Rufus for the night, so Alan and Katy can have a proper rest together? It might give them both a lift to remember what life used to be like if they stayed in a hotel and had a few treats.’
Lexi looked a bit miffed, digging her toe into the pebbles. ‘I wouldn’t mind a night in a hotel. I’m bloody knackered. But, yeah, it’s a sweet idea. We should do that.’
‘I know you’re tired, Lexi, I’m sorry,’ said Erin. ‘But I was just thinking that, because of how Katy has been and what she’s been through, it might help.’
‘Good idea,’ said Mel, her eyes on Mabel, who was on the pebbles and had managed to grab one. She was about to put it in her mouth, before Mel snatched it out of the way, prompting tears. ‘Oh, God. No, Mabel! Don’t eat stones!’
Erin smiled at Alan and Katy and waved at them to join their group. At that moment, Lenny’s friends cheered as he drank straight from the bottle he’d opened and sprayed everywhere. Gosh, she thought. Edward and Lenny were so different! Erin thought back to her own wedding, where Edward had been the archetypal restrained and traditional top-hat-and-tails groom. He would never, in a million years, have stood on a table top and drunk from a bottle. Her wedding had been held in a small village church near when she’d grown up. What a fiasco that day had been! Her father had driven her in his vintage car, choosing to go through a ford instead of over the bridge. Predictably, the car had broken down in the middle of the ford and she’d sat there in the back seat while the car bobbed up and down on the water and her dad stood, up to his knees in the stream, swearing and tinkering with the engine. Eventually, they’d abandoned the car to the AA and he’d carried her over his shoulder in a fireman’s lift to safety. Her tiara had fallen off and drifted down the stream with the ducks and newts, probably ending up in a nest somewhere. Her memories were interrupted by a louder cry from Hope. She held on to Hope’s hand.
‘What’s wrong, Hope?’ she asked. ‘Are you tired?’
Erin suppressed a yawn and saw Edward do the same. She widened her eyes at him, warning him not to say anything to the other mums. She felt too daft to admit why they were all so tired. They’d been up most of the night debating whether to take Hope to A&E because Edward had sprayed her room with fly spray after finding a mosquito bite on her ankle. It hadn’t occurred to him to put a net over her cot, or to hunt down the culprit and squash him against the wall. A panic read of the mosquito-repellent instructions under a magnifying glass made it clear it should not be used around babies. It was even written in capitals! Calls to NHS Direct ensued, and they were reassured that Hope would be fine, although they should probably put her in a different room. But it wasn’t enough. Josiah was never far from Erin’s mind. The terror of loss never left her. If even the smallest thing threatened Hope’s health in any way whatsoever, Erin could not rest. At two a.m., they went to A& E to get Hope checked over by a paediatrician, only to be sent home with his sympathetic smile and, just when the doctor had thought they were out of earshot, an exasperated sigh and muttered blasphemy. Erin had blushed from head to toe.
‘Is it too bright for her here?’ Edward asked, correcting Hope’s hat. ‘Maybe it’s the breeze. I’ve noticed she doesn’t really like the wind.’
Erin eyed Edward, dressed in a linen suit and straw fedora, jogging on the spot to pacify Hope. He then started swaying from side to side, so Hope’s legs were swinging like pendulums. She burst out laughing.
‘Doesn’t like wind?’ she laughed, incredulous. ‘Don’t be ridiculous. Of course she likes wind. She likes nature in all its guises, don’t you, sweet pea?’
‘I don’t think Mabel likes the wind either,’ Mel said, lifting her up from the pebbles and turning her to face the group. ‘She screws up her face so much it makes me laugh. How about Poppy?’
Erin and Mel waited for Lexi to answer, but she seemed preoccupied with staring over at Alan and Katy.
‘Lexi?’ said Erin. ‘Does Poppy hate the wind?’
‘What?’ Lexi said. ‘Wind? Yes, she has terrible wind.’
‘Much like her mother,’ muttered Gary.
‘Hey!’ said Lexi, nudging Gary.
‘Actually,’ said Mel smiling, ‘I said does she like the wind?’
‘Oh I see!’ Lexi said, laughing. ‘Gary, can you hold my glass for a second, please? I need to change Poppy. But do you know what? Poppy hates the wind.’
‘That’s all the babies agreed then,’ said
Leo with a grin, then he was distracted by the sound of a spoon banging against a glass. Erin followed his gaze to Lenny, who was still standing on the table, now clearing his throat. Erin smiled. He looked so young up there. She ran her eyes over his tanned face and golden locks. He looked dangerously handsome. A fleeting X-rated thought took her by surprise. She widened her eyes and shook her head. Took a gulp of her champagne. What was she thinking of?
‘Hello, ladies and gentleman and babies,’ said Lenny. ‘Thank you for coming today. We’re going to have the ceremony now, then you can get on with eating and drinking at the Pig and Whistle over the road. I’d just like to point out how lovely my wife-to-be looks. I’m so happy she’s my bride, and thank you all for coming. We’re gonna have a great party!’
Everyone cheered, and Erin glanced at Mabel, thinking the noise would probably frighten her. She liked wind, but not sudden loud noises. But under her pink, floral sunhat she had dropped fast asleep, her lips squished against the edge of the BabyBjörn into a cute heart shape. She’d passed the crying baton to Poppy, who needed a feed. Erin watched Lexi push a hand through her hair and take her glass back from Gary to take a swig. Poppy’s cry got louder.
‘Hello, everyone,’ said Ted, Lenny’s friend, and the celebrant of the ceremony. ‘I’m here to talk to you about two people I love. Lenny and Rebecca—’
Poppy continued to cry and a few people turned to stare.
‘Crap,’ Lexi said, swallowing and moving away from the group. ‘I need to feed her, now. I’ll go and find somewhere.’
Lexi, with her sunglasses pushed on to the top of her head, sat on a rug away from the tent and rearranged her wraparound dress until Poppy was happily feeding. She sucked in her tummy. In nearly six months, she hadn’t lost much of her baby weight. Never mind. Being stick thin wasn’t exactly a priority right now. Getting through each day being the best mum she could was her priority. Looking towards the sea, she watched the other people on the beach, most of them sunbathing or sitting around chatting, a few brave people in the sea. Most had given the wedding party a wide berth, but some had set their towels up near the small marquee so they could have a good stare at proceedings. The wedding group had quietened down, listening to Ted. She checked her watch. It was noon and, when the breeze stopped, pretty boiling. With the sun beating down on her head she longed to close her eyes and sleep. That rare commodity: sleep. In her pre-Poppy life, she’d had no idea how much of an indulgence sleeping in was. That feeling, when you woke up naturally and the light was streaming in through the curtains and the sounds of the traffic and people outside indicated it was probably almost lunchtime, felt like a dream. She didn’t miss her old life, but to have one long lie-in, just once, would be fantastic. Bloody fantastic! Pulling down her sunglasses, she closed her eyes behind them, listening to the applause coming from the wedding tent. In spite of herself, Lexi felt glum. How many weddings had she been to in her life? Twenty? And she had always, or almost always, been on her own. Not that she was on her own any more. Poppy was here. Poppy was all she had ever wanted. Still, there was an ache in her heart when she watched Lenny and Rebecca hold one another close and kiss. Or Erin and Edward dance in the way they had that day. Why me? Why did I never meet Mr Right? Why had romantic love always been so elusive? And who was Mr Right anyway? Not Alan. That was very clear. All along she’d waited for someone to tick all the boxes, but did anyone ever do that?
‘Hey,’ said Gary, suddenly by her side. ‘How are you doing? You missed the service.’
She opened her eyes, looked at him and smiled. He was a good guy. Funny, kind and thoughtful, they had become good friends over recent weeks and she’d been happy to ask him to come along to the wedding. But, even though he’d hinted he wanted to be more than friends, she wasn’t going to entertain the idea of a relationship yet. I will just have to endure weddings and be happy for the lucky ones.
‘I know, but I had to feed her,’ she said. ‘I heard some of Ted’s words, from over here.’
Gary sat down on the pebbles next to her. Poppy had fallen asleep, so Lexi carefully put her in the buggy and pulled a parasol over her. ‘Erin was just talking to me,’ said Gary. ‘She said she would take Poppy for a few hours and we could go out together, if you’d like that. I would, so I wondered if I could take you for dinner?’
Lexi smiled. ‘She’s sweet. But I don’t know. I mean, Gary, I think you’re brilliant. You’ve been a real friend to me over the last few weeks—’
‘Not to mention chauffeur,’ said Gary.
‘Yes, and that. It’s just that I’m reluctant to start seeing you in a different light. What I mean is, I really like you, a lot, but I don’t need to complicate Poppy’s life any more than I have already. I don’t need to complicate my life. I’m hopeless at relationships. Always have been. I’m destined to be single for ever.’
‘So,’ said Gary, ‘are you going to take a pledge of abstinence for the rest of her life just because things haven’t worked out before? Or could we just try and enjoy a couple of nights out together? It might do you good.’
Lexi frowned. Might do you good made her feel like he was doing her a favour.
‘I’m not an invalid!’ she said. ‘Just because I’m a single mother, please don’t take pity on me and see me as an easy ride.’
Gary put his hands up in the air. ‘I don’t!’ he said. ‘Christ, Lexi, you’re hard work. All I’m suggesting is a night out. Dress up, eat a tasty dinner, wash it down with a glass of wine and then that’s it. But I’m not going to force you into it! Is it because you still like that Alan bloke? Is he still sniffing around you?’ His face darkened. He bit his bottom lip and narrowed his eyes at her.
‘No!’ said Lexi. ‘Alan was a fantasy. He only wants to talk to me now about Katy, so we’ve had a few conversations about how he can help her out. Which is fine, of course. Actually, since meeting him again, I feel like I almost invented the entire thing.’
‘Maybe you did. You decided to be in love with a man who you couldn’t have, because it was easier than making a relationship work with someone you could have. That’s what some people like you do. They find reasons to destroy every relationship they ever have. You’re not even giving me a chance.’
Lexi shook her head and, though she smiled, tears pricked her eyes. ‘What do you mean, “people like you”?’ she said, her voice hoarse.
‘I mean people who had a shitty childhood. People who didn’t get enough love and attention from their parents and so didn’t get the chance to form a loving, trusting relationship with them. People who protect their hearts at all costs. That’s what I mean.’
Lexi swallowed. No one had ever spoken to her like this before. No one had probably cared enough to speak to her like this before. She tried to laugh him off, but couldn’t.
‘Enough pseudo-psychology, thanks, Gary,’ she said, standing up now. ‘You don’t know what you’re talking about. You hardly know me.’
‘I do know you,’ he said. ‘I’ve seen how loving and devoted you are to Poppy. I’ve seen how much you care about the people you work with and I’ve seen your face fall when you talk about your childhood. I’ve seen how horrible your mum is to you. You care about everyone else and work to make them feel safe and secure, but you’ve never had that yourself. You deserve it, Lexi, and I want to be the man to give you that.’
Lexi’s mouth hung open. Gary’s words stung her, but they were laden with truth. ‘I should get back to the others,’ she whispered. ‘I think we’re all going to the pub now, aren’t we?’
‘Yeah,’ said Gary, his eyes downcast but his face blazing. ‘Look, I might head off home soon.’
‘Oh,’ said Lexi, the lump in her throat getting bigger by the second. ‘Right. See you and – oh, it doesn’t matter.’
Pulling the pushchair over the bumpy pebbles, she felt furious. What? So just because she wouldn’t agree to a night out with him, Gary was going off in a sulk? Typical. He didn’t get what he wanted, so he didn’t want
to stay around. Well, that was fine. He could go home. She wouldn’t care if she never saw him again. She was off relationships, wasn’t she? Sworn against them. And this was exactly why. Women were supposed to be fickle, but it was the men! Gary wasn’t really interested in her, and nor did he know her as well as he claimed. If he did, there was no way he’d go home now. But, then again, she thought, clocking Alan striding towards her, holding two full glasses of champagne, what was there to stay for? Maybe he was right. Maybe she had deliberately decided to be in love with an unavailable man so she wouldn’t have to be in a long-term relationship.
‘Lexi,’ said Alan, now in front of her, offering her a glass. She shook her head crossly.
‘Oh,’ he said. ‘Like that, is it? So, I wanted to speak to you, quickly, before we head over to the pub. It’s about Katy.’
Why don’t you speak to Katy about Katy? Lexi thought. Why did he have to speak to her? Katy was the mum she knew least, because she’d come to very few of the meet-ups. Understandably.
‘I’m really pleased to say that she went to see the doctor,’ he said. ‘And I think it’s really helping. Katy told me that you said something that changed her mind. Something about your childhood.’
Bloody hell. Not again! Why was everyone talking about her childhood? Yes, it was true, her childhood was a cautionary tale for mothers, which she rarely put under the microscope, but she didn’t want to think about it now. Though she was listening to Alan, her eyes were on Katy, who, on the other side of the tent, with her back to Alan and Lexi, was having an in-depth talk to Erin. All she’d done was give Katy a little bit of advice. Why was he making such a big deal out of it?
‘And I just want to say thank you for sharing that with her, because none of her other friends told her what they thought,’ said Alan, taking Lexi in his arms and hugging her tight. ‘It’s helped us both. Katy is such a successful, powerful woman, you know, and I can already feel some of her coming back.’