You Can Never Spit It All Out

by Moore, Ralph Robert

  Nikolai looked into Tracy's frightened face. Looked back at Vinnie. "The lady says to you to leave. So you leave."

  Vinnie, teary-eyed, snatched up his clothes from the carpet. Took his time dressing. "God will never forgive you for this. I wasn't going to do anything. It's just a game."

  Vinnie didn't have a car, so they drove down to South Carolina in Jessica's car.

  After they checked into their hotel room, not as nice as Jessica was used to, but still clean and carpeted, cable TV, a little coffee carafe so you could brew instant coffee in your own room, Vinnie took her around to Lou's Low Country, where the "gang" traditionally gathered before going on stage.

  He grabbed her hand, leading her under the big yellow and blue sign out front, through the front wooden doors, to the restaurant's vast, noisy, dimly-lit interior, dozens of conversations going on simultaneously.

  The food smells were incredible.

  Vinnie stood up on tip-toe by the hostess' station, with its small lamp, eyes squinting, looking over the hundreds of shadowy heads for his friends. Jessica, standing next to him, in her little black dress, felt shy. She squeezed his upper arm. "I've never eaten with comedians before."

  "There they are!"

  Vinnie started across the floor, Jessica following in his wake, passing tables, women resting their elbows outside their plates, opening their mouths as if to laugh, but not actually laughing, tilting their perfect cheekbones in the candlelight.

  Vinnie's friends were at the back of the immense space, by one of the wide windows.

  Four of them at the table, two men, two women.

  Vinnie stood at the head of the table. "Okay, let's pretend this is my family," he announced to Jessica, with a flourish of his hands, "and I just brought you over to a Memorial Day picnic in the Bronx. That's Michael."

  Michael, freakishly tall, long dirty blonde hair, lazy expression, lifted an oversized right hand in Jessica's general direction. He was chewing on something, lower jaw pushing out like a caveman with each chew, turning homo sapiens with each swallow, caveman again with each new chew.

  "Next to him is his date, or maybe I should say dated, Veronica."

  Veronica was a woman in her sixties, feathered blond hair, in a bare arm dress, wrinkles across her throat. But she put her hands on her hips, cocked her head to one side, like she was still in her twenties. The body had aged, but not the gestures. She squeezed her eyes at Vinnie. "How you doing, Vinnie? Still can't get it up unless there's a dick hanging off the front?"

  "I got it up with your great-granddaughter last week, and she loved it so much she signed over her November social security check to me. That's Dillon, on the other side of the table." A short, slight man with brown eyes, black hair. "Next to him is…?"

  The woman next to Dillon, in her early twenties, maybe even her late teens, not that pretty, Jessica thought, her lips were too big, her nose too long, but with young breasts that stood straight out, and an incredibly thin waist, grinned shyly at Vinnie, then Jessica. "I'm Tilda."

  Vinnie sat on one side of the table, folding his hands in front of him. Leaned his face forward. "Well, I guess I'll be waltzing matilda later tonight."

  Jessica pulled out the final empty chair, next to Vinnie, sat down.

  A waiter came over, passing out menus. "Would you care for another drink while you review your choices?"

  Michael lazily opened his menu, big hands on top, spreading apart the plastic-coated pages. "I guess we will need another drink. While our retarded cousins trail their fingers under each selection, trying to read the words out loud."

  Jessica smiled, trying to fit in.

  Veronica, the older woman, tapped the bottom of her menu on the table to get Jessica's attention. "Have you ever eaten low-country food before?"

  "Honestly? I haven't."

  "Order the shrimp and grits. You'll like it."

  Michael leaned against Veronica's bare arm. "I'd sure love to try that she crab soup."

  She scrunched her wrinkled face. "You want it, it's okay if you order it."

  Tilda held her menu upright in her thin, perfect hands, looking at Dillon. "Is it okay if I get the hot tower, baby?"

  Vinnie leaned forward from the other end of the table. "I'll give you a hot tower. Sauce included." Went back to his own menu. "Hmm, let's see. Shrimp and grits. I gotta grit my teeth to eat these grits. My grits are gritty."

  Dillon looked up. "Needs work. What're you doing here anyway, Vinnie? You flopped every time you came down."

  "In your dreams I flopped."

  "You're a flop. If you were shoes, you'd be flip-flops."

  Tilda laughed, young face merry.

  Jessica watched as Vinnie's face seized up. "How do you fuck her, little man? You gotta bring a stepladder?"

  Dillon leaned back in his chair, pretending to be confused. Cupped his right hand behind his ear. "Can't hear you, Vinnie." Raised his eyebrows, helpfully. " Maybe if you took your mouth off my cock…"

  Vinnie snorted. "Fuck you."

  Dillon wagged a finger. "Behave, or I'll pull up the zipper on my fly, and choke you."

  The next night, Vinnie, Michael and Dillon were scheduled to perform at Yuk You.

  The six of them got there early, started drinking.

  The club was a lot smaller than Jessica expected. Maybe twenty tables. About as big as a basement, but much noisier. The stage was the size of a dining room table.

  She looked at the menu. Hot wings, nachos. Everything else was booze.

  Michael went on first, at nine o'clock. He towered over the microphone stand. "My girlfriend is five foot one. When I fuck her, the head of my cock sticks out her mouth, in case I want to give myself a blow job at the same time."

  A couple of drunk college girls put two fingers between their lips, wolf whistling. "Pull it out!"

  Dillon, as the headliner, went on second. He put his right hand on the microphone, looked around at the small crowd. "I was at the post office the other day. This beautiful clerk behind the counter. I asked for some stamps, and she really humiliated me! Yelled at me! I didn't have the right change. Most guys would think, Get a gun! But I was thinking, new masturbation fantasy!"

  Vinnie went on third.

  Jessica sat at one of the tables, ready to applaud his bit.

  He shared his big grin with the audience. "I just got fired. Yeah! Know what? My boss not only fired me, he raped me! Come on, that joke deserved a bigger laugh. Okay, be that way. I jerked off a dog the other day. Halfway through, he looked up at me and said, Tell me a story where a cat humiliates me. Oh! Come on, folks. I always love a Southern crowd. You took time off from fucking your own mothers to be here."

  After the show the six of them hung out at the bar, drinking until the club closed.

  They were all staying at the same hotel, so they shared a cab.

  Back in their room, Jessica slipped out of her dress, put on pink lingerie. "Want to get in bed?"

  Vinnie, still dressed, sweating, brushed his black hair in the mirror above the dresser. "Yeah, you know, I'm still kinda wired from the show. Maybe I'll take a walk."

  "Can I walk with you?"

  He acted astonished. "Babe, you're in your underwear. Just watch some TV. We got at least three porno channels. I checked. Pleasure yourself, and I'll be back later."

  "Were you really raped by your boss after he fired you?"

  Licking the tips of his middle fingers, he slicked his eyebrows into place.

  "Who are you getting gussied up for? The moon?"

  After he left, she made herself another drink, sour expression on her face. Probably the way she looked a lot of times as a little girl. Sat at the bottom of her bed, in her lingerie, index finger causing the black TV remote to dip, dip, dip as she went around the different channels. Wished she'd brought a book.

  After an hour passed, she got in a blouse and blue jeans, slipped the hotel key in her front pocket.

  She and Vinnie had said goodnight to each of the other c
ouples on their way to their own room, so she knew where they were staying.

  She tried Dillon and Tilda's room first. Knocked right below the brass number screwed on the door.

  Just as she was about to give up, the door swung inwards.

  Dillon, naked, with an erect cock, hair tousled. His sleepy eyes. "Yeah? Is there a fire?"

  "I take it Vinnie isn't inside?"

  He snorted. "No offense? Really? But wander the fuck somewhere else."

  She didn't have to knock on Michael and Victoria's door. It was ajar. Probably the last person in, drunk, had forgot to slam it.

  Michael, too tall for the chair he was sitting in, at the round table found in all hotel rooms, working on a Sudoku puzzle.

  Victoria, naked, and, Jessica had to admit, looking pretty good for someone in her sixties, face down on the bed. Vinnie, also naked, lying on top of her, vigorously fucking her up her ass.

  He looked up. Grinned. "Hey, babe!"

  Jealousy like she hadn't felt in years. So at least there was that. "Hey to you, babe. What the fuck are you doing?"

  Victoria, wrinkled face bouncing under Vinnie's upraised jaw, put a sly look in her eyes. "Believe it or not, this is a business meeting."

  Back in their own hotel room, an hour later, Vinnie, head bending forward, pulled off his sweat-soaked shirt. "What are you upset about?"

  "Really, Vinnie? I caught you fucking some sixty year old bitch up the ass while I'm waiting for you in my lingerie."

  Happy laugh on his face. "Whaddaya want? You think everybody gets to perform at Yuk You? She's Michael's manager. That's how she got him the gig. She pays for this hobby of his, performing in comedy clubs, in exchange for him fucking her. She's got so much money she shits money, and she doesn't even have to scoop her hand into the toilet bowl to get it back. She just flushes it away. But sometimes, you know, she wants a different body type. Or whatever. So last year, she had Michael come to me and say, if you want to perform at a club on the road, you can, Victoria will arrange it, but you gotta fuck her a couple of times each excursion." He raised his big shoulders. "That's why they call it show biz!"

  "So how many times have you fucked her this trip?"

  "Just that one time where you caught us. Of course, I still have to fuck her Friday and Saturday. Sunday, I guess you can call it my day of rest."

  Friday night at the club.

  Michael went on first. "My girlfriend is five foot two. When I fuck her, the head of my cock sticks out of her mouth. Which is nice, in case I wanna give myself a blow job."

  Vinnie went on second this time. "I just got fired! Only, my boss didn't just fire me, he raped me! Which I'm sure goes against some labor law. And then he docked me! Cause I came. My final check was reduced because my sperm ruined his pen set."

  Dillon finished. "Big hand for Vinnie! Vinnie recently came out to his dad. It was a touching moment. He said, Dad, I have to be honest with you. This has been haunting me for years. The truth is, I found out early in my life I don't think of girls the way most men do. Instead, I think that way about boys. And his father, God bless him, he said, Vinnie my son, I accept you for who you are. If you're gay, I still love you. Just be the best gay that ever lived. If other gays suck a thousand cocks, you suck ten thousand cocks. If other gays get boned up the ass five hundred times, you get porked a million times. And Vinnie accepted that challenge from his dad, and lived up to it. He has sucked more cocks and gotten fucked up the ass by more men than any other gay in history."

  Saturday night at the club.

  Vinnie went on first. "I want to express some sympathy for my fellow headliner, Dillon, who will be out here shortly. He just got fired from his day job, and not only did he get fired, but his boss raped him, fucking him up his ass! The good news though is Dillon enjoyed it so much, he agreed to waive his unused vacation time."

  Dillon next. "Let's give Vinnie a big hand. He didn't get any laughs, but what do you want from a retard? Look at us we're walking, look at us we're talking, look at us we're trying to tell jokes. He just came out to his dad. He told his dad, the truth is, I don't want to kiss girls. I want to suck men's cocks. His dad wiped a tear away from his eye and said, Well, son, I kind of knew that all along. Now take your mouth off my cock and give me a big kiss."

  Michael closed the show. "My girlfriend is five foot two. I'm fucking her, and I notice the head of my cock sticks out of her mouth. I'm thinking, Gee, not only can I be fucking, but I can give myself a blow job at the same time."

  Sunday, the final night at the club.

  Michael opens. "I have a new girlfriend. She's five foot two. So I'm fucking her, and the head of my cock is sticking out of her mouth. I'm like, Wo, Mike, you can not only be fucking this girl, you can give yourself a blow job at the same time."

  Vinnie follows. "So, I'm at the park and this dog comes up to me. It's got an erection. And it's looking at me with its dog eyes like, Can you help a fella out? So okay, I been there, I give it a stroke, continue with a couple more strokes, and it lifts its head to me and says, While you're jerking me off, can you tell me a story where a cat humiliates me?"

  Dillon closes the set. "I'm sitting on a park bench, reading the newspaper, when Vinnie, who was on just before me, the big, sweaty Italian guy, crawls over on his hands and knees and says, I got an erection. Is it okay if I masturbate myself while you fuck my girlfriend Jessica and I watch? So I say, sure. Just keep your head down, so your mom and dad can watch, too."

  Backstage in the green room, after Sunday 's final performance.

  There's still a lot of whiskey and vodka left in the bottles they had been drinking from before the show. No one uses glasses. They just pass the bottles back and forth, drinking the booze at room temperature.

  Dillon holds out a cushion. "Jessica, you need this to sit on? After your session with our boy Vinnie?"

  She waves away the cushion.

  Vinnie, red-faced, grabs the cushion from Dillon's offering hand, throws it in his face. "So what's with mentioning my girlfriend's name in your act? Comedy act etiquette, dude!"

  Dillon vigorously rubs his nose, like that'll get him sober. "Just saying. Maybe your girlfriend wants to get fucked up her pussy for a change."

  Vinnie snorts. Turns to Jessica. "You don't like me ass fucking you?"

  She takes a swig. "No. I like it. It's different." Her head wobbles towards him. "You're a different kind of boyfriend. You like to wear my underwear, you jerk off my dog, you only fuck me up my boy ass. I totally, completely appreciate that you aren't sensitive to my needs. You have no idea how sexually gratifying it is when you roll me around in the mud."

  "So, I'm mud? That's what I am to you?"

  Dillon, still sitting, pulled his shirt up over his arms, tossing it away, showing off his muscular torso. "Mud boy!"

  Vinnie blinked. "What, you want to fuck him?"

  "No! I don't want to fuck him."

  "Dillon, you want to fuck my girlfriend?"

  "Wouldn't mind getting a blow job from her." He reached down, rubbed the bulge in his crotch. "That first night? Dinner? That's the first thing I noticed about you. Those thin wrists, those delicate cheekbones, then brakes skidding, those fat lips, just ripe for cock sucking."

  Vinnie kept his eyes on Dillon's crotch. "You want my girlfriend to give you a blow job? I can arrange it."

  The others in the green room looked from Vinnie to Dillon to Jessica.

  Vinnie put a big, happy grin on his face. "Know what? Let's do this thing. Jessica, suck his cock. Let's go!"

  Jessica took another swig. "Seriously?"

  "Fuck straight. My boy wants a blow job from my girl, it's gonna happen. Strip off your clothes. Show him what you got."

  Jessica stood up, the others watching.

  Took her red dress off, down her arms, down her waist, down her legs.

  Down to her bra and panties. Knew she had a cute figure.

  Holding Dillon's dark eyes, she got down on her knees.

  Di
llon got out of his pants, underpants. Walked right up to Jessica's crotch-high mouth, immediately pushed his erect cock between her lips.

  Vinnie stood fully clothed, hands by his sides. "Suck him good. Use your fingers."

  Brown eyes moving from Vinnie's face up to Dillon's eyes, she worked her lips around his tall cock, fingers tickling his balls, asshole.

  Dillon put his hands on the back of her head, owning her, holding her face against his crotch.

  Tilda, Dillon's young girlfriend, unzipped her jeans. Reached a right hand down. Started masturbating.

  Victoria crossed her legs, watching Jessica's lips ride up and down the length.

  Michael, seated at a back table, bent over a Sudoku puzzle. Added a number in pencil.

  After she sucked his cock a few minutes, getting the hardness of it, the taste, Dillon slapped the side of her upper arm.

  Pulled her up to her feet. Brown hair hanging in front of her face, she waited obediently for his next move. He bent her over the back of the couch. Yanked down her panties, which she kicked off. Slid his cock up inside her cunt, from behind.

  As he fucked her, he reached his hands around her front. Unslung her bra, threw it away. Started squeezing the wobble of her breasts.

  Spanked her, lightly, while he pumped.

  Her brown eyes looked straight ahead, registering nothing.

  After a few more thrusts, he rearranged her again. Had her sit her ass on the back of the couch, facing him. Slid his cock back up inside her cunt. Started fucking her face to face.

  This time, at first avoiding his eyes, then after a minute of long, steady pumps, her breath getting shorter, finally looking right into them, she wrapped her long forearms around the back of Dillon's neck.

  Reached up her mouth, put some pecks on his lips.

  Stared into Vinnie's eyes, then stared back into Dillon's eyes.

  Some more pecks, lengthening into kisses.

  She spread her thighs wider apart, to get his cock deeper inside her.

  Hung on, with her forearms, to the strong back of his neck.

  After her head bounced with the force of his fuck a few more minutes, she started planting tender kisses under his big jaw.